Mid-holiday-season blues.

Yes. I like lists.

I really let myself down today.

Tomorrow's another day.

Today was another bad day. I did nothing.

Part of my feeling down is not hearing from one of my sisters during the holiday season. It's really mean of her. She's done this before. I thought I had my mind made up to stop caring and not get upset this year. But it does upset me. Besides the hurt, I feel so angry. I really hate feeling like this. The anger feels worse than the depression.

I try to figure out why I'm so agitated over this. I think it's because I really didn't think she'ld do this to me again. It's making me furious today. It's awfully unfair. I won't make a list of how I've cared about her over the years. The lopsidedness is stunning. Years ago, my parents warned me that I underestimated how selfish she is. I used to think she was just immature and overwhelmed by some stressors in her own life. Now I'm facing that this may be deliberate meaness, which I never thought I would expect from her. I could make excuses for her, which I've done all my life. Instead, I think it may be that it's time I faced a hard truth. She's not the cute little kid that I used to push around in a stroller. I used to warm up her bottle when it was her bedtime. I still see her as an innocent child. I don't want to stay deluded. I want to figure out what is true. It may be that she really is more hard-hearted than I ever recognized. It's awful hard to feel rejected for absolutely no good reason. Somehow I must learn to not care. I don't know how I'll get to that stage.

Wow Rose that is a lot to deal with. You can't change her but you can try to change your reaction to it, but even that takes some time. What can you do for yourself that is positive today. It might be as simple as a hot shower. I always think a hot shower improves a situation by 30%.. Focus on the gift you did receive from family this Christmas. If you can outfit someplace you can see it most of the day.
Try to do something for yourself. When I get down I bake a box of brownies because it makes the house smell heavenly.
I will check in later,....

Hi Rose
How have you been?

I've been depressed, but it will blow over. I did shower and got dressed. I made dinner for myself. I just noticed a text message from that sister, saying Merry Christmas. I'm going to bed now. I just have no energy to even wash the dinner dishes.

This may be a little late, but I empathize with your situation. I have only my mother, and she's almost 70; when she dies I'll be faced with the prospect of a Christmas alone for the first time in my life. That frightens me, and when I get frightened like that my impulse is to isolate further. But that only makes things worse, doesn't it?

Breaking out of isolation is necessary, if we want any quality of life. It's a lot easier said than done. I'm sorry if your mom is in failing health. You do need to make other connections. So do I.

Christmas is the main day of the year for many people to spend with those they really care about. I'm far from my family of origin. Staying in touch takes a bit of effort. It takes an occasional phone call. I did get a call from my sister last evening. I couldn't even bring myself to answer the phone. It was late in the day, so I feel like it was just an after-thought. That was childish of me, but I'm tired of being hurt.

It takes me a long time to get over feeling excluded. I'm starting to think I'ld rather not be in contact at all. Then I won't be setting myself up for these repeated disappointments. My sister called and left a voice message asking that I call her back. I don't want to call her back. She'll take it as an insult, if I don't. That makes things worse. Once it seems that someone has only a half-hearted interest in our relationship, I find it hard to have any interest.

For the past few years I've been trying to nurture my ties to family . . . trying to fan the embers of affection. On each of my last 3 trips to visit family, someone got mad at me for no good reason. I'm played out. The trying has seemed like banging my head against a wall.

I could have joined neighbors in a get-together Christmas eve. I was too depressed to go. That was really self-defeating of me. I should have gone.

Today I just stayed in bed all day. This is the worst I've been in months. I had been doing pretty good from mid-July until lately.

I had managed to clean my place real well and decorate nicely. My Christmas tree took days to finish. It's big, and I have a lot of nice ornaments. It's in front of a big window, so my neighbors get to see it. I have not had a soul come to visit me. For days I have not left the house. It was hard to even just go outside to get my mail because I was afraid to run into any of my neighbors. I feel like depression is written all over my face. I don't want to be seen in this state. Having to make a little small talk seems scarey. I'm afraid I won't sound normal.

If there was anyone I could confide in, I think it would help. I'm friendly with my neighbors, but not in the sense that I could discuss anything personal with any of them. I did have a neighbor I could really talk to. She died before Christmas last year.

There is a walk-in clinic at the main psych facility in town. I'm afraid to go there because it was a terrible place. Even my primary care doctor called the place a $h!T show.
Supposedly, it improved. This walk-in urgent care section is said to be new and improved. I'm skeptical. This place is part of the system where I get all my healthcare. It should be available to me. I got psych care and medication management at this place back in 2012. I hated going there. The new clinic they have might be better. There's only one way to find out.

Professionals never take me seriously. I look neat, clean and decently groomed. I converse sensibly. I don't have psychotic symptoms. I don't threaten to harm myself. It seems I make a good impression. That seems to disqualify me from having a psych problem worthy of support.

In a way, they're right. The amount of attention that could make a difference wouldn't have to be a lot. I fully realize that making my life better is up to me. I know everything that I'm doing wrong - like staying in bed today. I know all the constructive efforts that I could be making and should be making. So I get dismissed as more than capable of handling my affairs without any need to take up anyone else's time. My depressive episodes are no joke, but the suffering they bring is not visible to anyone. I'm not an attention hound. I don't like talking to therapists or psychiatrists. Most meds never helped me. I usually want nothing to do with psych professionals. In March, I was getting so bad that I asked for a referral and saw a psychologist. I saw him a few times. Then he terminated working for the system that provides my healthcare. So that was the end of that.

I tell myself that I just have to pull myself together. If only I could talk to a professional who would believe that I struggle with a serious problem. In between episodes of depression, I tend to do quite well. In 2000, a psychiatrist told me I was bipolar. Maybe that's part of the problem. Different doctors have given me very different diagnoses. I'm not too interested in labels. I know my main problem has always been social phobia. I can't get anyone to believe that and to understand what that does to a person. In some situations, I can interact just fine. That's what they see.

Going to that walk-in psych clinic could wind up being a bad experience. Thst's the last thing I need tomorrow.

I'm getting worse depressed. I know it's because I gave up on trying. All I want is to go back to bed.

Sorry to hear you’re feeling so bad @Rose76, and are getting worse. Depression is such a curse. I think the greatest gift I could wish for is one year of really good mental and physical health.

Finding the right professional to help is difficult. I note your point about you always appearing neat and groomed when you see health professionals, and for this reason they may not take you seriously. I have this problem too, especially if I don’t get to see my regular doctor.

I wish I could give you some sensible advice, but I know how hard it is. Depression isn’t something you can just pull yourself out of at the flick of a switch. It is a horrible beast.

I spent a large part of last year in this state. I was fortunate in getting recommended for counselling, but it took repeated visits to the doctor to get to that point. It was quite helpful to me earlier in the year, but I still struggle on occasions. At its worst it is so frightening.

Maybe keep pushing your doctor for help.

Just checking in...how are you Rose? Its been a few days since you posted.

Thank you. It helps me when someone understands.

Today has been bad, as was yesterday.

The depression feels like it's easing up. It's like coming out of having the flu. Even here at MSF, I wonder if anyone knows what I'm talking about. This has been my worst tailspin since February.

No matter how many times I recover, there's always another tailspin waiting down the road. But I do always recover. Someday death will end this cycling. That's a good thing. Not that I'm looking to die. But I'm really glad I don't have to live forever.

Yesterday I got out of this episode of depression. I feel pretty okay today. What a relief.