Feeling better & beating self up

Hello all -- I guess the higher dose of Effexor is starting to kick in. I'm starting to feel a bit better -- as if my brains aren't as shattered as a mirror and my body is walking through swamp mud.

One thing my T warned me about when we met last week was that sometimes, as people start to feel better, they at last have the energy to put suicide plans into action, and to watch out for such "suicidal ideations," as he calls them in shrink-talk. Sure enough, when I woke up Saturday -- late as usual -- one of my first waking thoughts was, "Got nothing to live for. Hey, maybe I feel good enough to go down to Walmart (probably another place that won't hire me) and gather the materials I need for the Big Send Off" and busy mind refining details of the plan. So glad my T warned this could happen, so that I could get off that line of thinking right away.

Harder to get away from are the thoughts -- What the h**** have I been doing with myself these past months? Why I haven't I GONE OUT to look for jobs? Why have I holed up in this dark apartment, my "Bat Cave" for months? Why haven't I taken advantage of the many art shows, museums, and cultural events in New Orleans, even if I can't go to hear jazz in bars? Why haven't I been hard at work on my latest book? And this is crushing in addition to having to move -- and still not deciding WHERE -- and needing a source of income. My mother calls every week --but I get the feeling that she doesn't really want to talk with her, that contact with me is "too upsetting" for her. Like Scarlett O'Hara, mom absolutely refuses to think about anything that upsets her in any way. Well, at least that works for her. I don't have a plan that works.

Last thought, unrelated -- who is this cowboy who posted all the inappropriate "Make Money Online" topics on just about every forum. Is s/he planning to visit the Critical Care Unit of any hospitals to ask around there, too? Has he/she ever heard the word "appropriate"? Enough ranting. Wonder if we need a forum for Raves and Rants.

(((((wants)))) I'm glad your T warned you about the suicidal ideation, too! Could've been bad otherwise!

Glad to hear that you're on the road to recovery! Yay!!

I do hope you can stop beating yourself up. You need to try to have compassion on yourself for where you've been. Your suffering has been real, and depression is a terrible slump to try to pull out of. There are many people who have the same struggle. It is not something to berate yourself for. You do the best you can with your resources and ability to cope. You need love and compassion and acceptance from yourself right now, to help you as you begin your journey upward. Not cold criticism. We get more than enough of that from the rest of the world, we don't need to add to it.

Good luck and best wishes to you on your journey!!!

Angela

If it helps, I've been in an episode of major depression for about a year and a half now, and am still not even close to stabilized on meds yet. Not only that, the eating disorder that hadn't been (much) of a problem for more than a decade is back full force, AND I'VE BEEN IN TREATMENT FOR OVER A YEAR NOW.

There are days when I just can't see any point in continuing to try, because nothing I've tried so far has done any good, days when I think I must truly deserve this misery, days when I think I should be put away because I'm not doing anyone any good, and then there are days when I think that I can claw my way back to health. It doesn't help that I also get caught up in those thoughts that, "gee, if I worked hard enough to recover from all this, I would be better now -- since I'm not better yet, I must not be working hard enough, so it's my fault."

Best I can tell you is that it takes as long as it takes, and the longer it took to get to this point, the longer it's likely to take to get out of it. If your meds are kicking in now, that's a great sign, and you can use that new energy to help yourself heal.

Despite the distress of unemployment, getting a job is the thing you do AFTER you get the depression into remission. Otherwise, you're likely setting yourself up for a situation where your depression interferes with your ability to succeed in that job, which might lead to losing that job, which, in turn, would lead to another opportunity to beat yourself up.

Have you considered applying for Social Security benefits? That could not only help tide you over until you really are in remission, but also provide you access to other avenues of treatment.

Good luck, and hang in.

I've thought about SS (those ideations again, smile). I really should look into more seriously. I'm seeing my prescribing shrink this week. Doesn't hurt to ask.

Thanks for the words of kindness. You're right -- I've been inert, but I ain't exactly been going to the beach, reading glossy magazines, and chattin' with the girls on the phone. Or even staring blissfully at my naval, glad to be alone and relaxing. It's been a bleak and very painful inertia.

And I have no idea how long this will last. I've had little periods where I got energized throughout this past year, and then it all dissipated, and I wondered where the energy went, and felt even worse than before at the failure to carry out my Big Fat Plans. Same thing coulda happened if I had gotten a job.

And there's zip I can do to get back the lost time. So thanks again for the wisdom. I hope your meds get stabilized soon or you find some other way out.

Do you remember Mr Peabody from Bullwinkle? With his Way Back Machine? (Bullwinkle is like a religion, you know. Those of us who worshipped at the altar are changed for life.)

Well, there is no Way Back Machine, so I've lost over a year to lousy treatment. (The treatment problems actually led to me gettng a great deal worse, but that's another story.) There's no way to get that year back, and there may be no way for me to return to my previous level of functioning. That's a damned hard adjustment to face up to. It's hard to get my mind around the idea of having to change my goals so profoundly.

And you're absolutely right: you haven't been sitting on the sofa eating bonbons and considering what to wear on Friday night. You've been sick. If your diagnosis had been atypical Type I diabetes, and it had taken this long to get the diagnosis right and get you stabilized, you probably wouldn't be beating yourself up so much about why you hadn't accomplished more during the past year. You'd be saying, "Thank goodness I'm not so sick anymore, so that I can start looking at what I can do to put my life back together." Well, you've been sick, just as much as if you did have a visible physical ailment. This one, though, is not visible in the same way. It's just as real.

Some years back, a close friend of mine was injured at work. She developed a lung disease, which compromised her ability to get around. She looked fine -- but she couldn't walk more than about half a block. When we were out together, she would get rude looks and occassional nasty remarks about her handicapped placard. Well, just because her disability couldn't be seen by the naked eye didn't mean it wasn't real. (And she looked as good as she did in large part because of high doses of steroids, which put weight on her. Otherwise, she'd have been emaciated.) Same for you -- just because a camera can't show the depression, doesn't mean it's not real.

Take the best care of yourself, and feel free to PM me at any time. Anything I can offer to help you through this, is yours.