This is me *not* complaining

My life isn't that bad. I mean, it isn't fantastic, but whose is?

I hate change. Abhor it. Loathe it. Why am I not happy? I'm on ADs, I was in counselling (up until 2nd week of April) ... I have supportive friends, and nothing bad has happened...

Why am I not happy? Why can I not just flip a switch and automatically feel better?

I have been told some fairly insensitive things recently, which has caused me much grief and hurt... but am I going to be upset at these people? No, because it will solve nothing. Except apparently I'm not allowed to bottle either.

I'm sick of trying to fix myself. I don't want to examine my past. I don't want to plan for the future. I just want to SIT HERE. Okay? Okay... it's not okay. It's a bad idea. I just know things will go to *#!$ in a handbasket very soon because change and me don't get along.

I just want to sit in bed and cry. Eat lots of junkfood. But that will make the depression worse, make me fatter and then subsequently more miserable and everyone will worry about me.

And some part of me is still hanging in there... although sometimes I wonder how I've made it to this point.

Strange... What is it like to be truly happy? Apparently I've got no idea. I can't tell you how I feel (really), and I don't want to rehash the past since I'm working on it by my lonesome, as I've always done (and it seems to work for me sometimes).

Right now I want:
- My brain to like me
- My body to like me
- Me to like me
- Everyone else to like me
- Things in my life to work out
- And a little bit more time for me to unwind with all these things that are going to be happening soon...

Kapeesh? That's what I want.

... wow, I sound grumpy.

((((((((((((((( Christina86 )))))))))))))))
I can understand not liking change and all the stress that goes along with it. Many times I have wished for the things that you want.

> Right now I want:
> - My brain to like me

OK, brain! You have your orders! Get to work on it!

All of us liking you is a good start. =)

You've done so much on here that I sometimes forget you have the same problems as us. Your non-complaint was concise and accurate and was perfectly in line with the way I feel. I hope it helped to get it out there and itemize it. One step at a time (though as they say, that first step is a doozy.)

I feel honored to know you even virtually Christina. And staying in bed and having junk food isn't necessarily a bad thing in itself, just so long as it's the exception and not the rule.

Change is so hard. It is uncomfortable and so unfamiliar. It can knock me off my feet and make me unsettled. It can change habits and schedules that have become so familiar. It can even change friends and close relationships. At the same time the results can be awesome. They can make things better and happier and more fun. But you have to get through the change part first.

I hope you find the strength to accept the changes that will benefit you and discard the ones that won't. I hope that your list of things you want becomes part of who you are. Although you may still have to go through some change to get there.

I know it is so hard. Know I am here along your journey. You are brave and determined so the appeal of just sitting and crying may not become a full time stategy for you. At the same time it has its purpose too.

BB

((((((((Christina))))))))

i've not woke up right yet so forgive if this post isn't much, i do care about you which is why i want to find something to say to you even tho i'm not good with words.

first off...you do such a fantastic job of helping other people here, i think it's easy for people to forget you're only human too. i know, i used to do councelling and everybody just assumes you're so perfect...that's tiring in itself. it made me feel inadequate if there was anything wrong with me to the point where i just kept it all in instead. i'm really glad that you know you can post here when things aren't good and get the same support and understanding from us that we get from you.

i think maybe, though it's hard, when people tell you insensitive things...you need to remind yourself they're the ones with a problem as they've obviously got no awareness or understanding of other peoples feeling...or even that other people have feelings. i'll bet anything these people are too wrapped up in themselves to even notice when they hurt others?

i think you need a very gentle and LOVING reminder to take some of your own advice and medicine that you dish out to us:

you're allowed to get angry but find a sensible way of relieving it...bash a pillow, scream at your monitor, buy a punch-bag, take up kick-boxing.

it's ok to remove yourself from the company of negative people...isn't that part of this thing called self-care you've all taught me about here?

take whatever me time you can...even if it's just unhooking your fone to have a bubble bath in peace, watch a movie in peace, go for a walk in the woods.

don't forget you've got people her who think the world of you and it's ok to post, pm, lean on us however you need whenever you need. you don't have to bottle anything up here or pretend to be something you're not

sorry but that's it apart from...love ya, hang in there and i hope you get to feeling better soon.

(((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))

I understand how change can throw a person way off kilter. I'm sorry you are going through the anxiety of it all. Since I don't normally have issues with change myself, I don't really know if any of my ideas might be helpful for you in regards to change. If you are interested in what I'm thinking....pm me ok?

Finding happiness within can be difficult too, especially if you don't really have an idea of what might make you happy. For me, a number of years ago, I found that volunteering my time to a worthy cause helped me to feel happy....and it really led to a lot of insight and I was able to move from there to find more inner happiness. Of course....this worked for me, it may not work for you or be the course you need to take.

Now, I know you are such a wonderful source of support to folks here and I'm sure IRL....maybe it's time to make time for YOU my friend. Whether it's sleeping in, taking a nap, watching funny movies, pigging out on your fav food, a nice long warm bath with some aroma therapy, a nice walk in the country....whatever you find comforting....just do it! You deserve to take good care of YOU.

Remember one really important thing hon...depression lies to you. Don't forget to breathe....nice and slow.....in with the good and out with the bad........make it a habit to think about how you are breathing...

Know I care...and I'm here for you whenever!


sabby

Life is tough and everyone is allow some breaks. Take some time for yourself, rest, spoil yourself and try to see that there is beauty in this world.

Changes can be rough but also it can help you to grow and open new horizons.

I like you!

You're all so sweet. (((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))

I have no idea why I wrote this post... but some things in my life are really starting to irk me (no, not any of you... never ever ever would that happen) ... and I don't deal well with change.

I also don't deal well with this stupid AD either. I'm awake now (finally) at 2pm. I was supposed to be doing stuff today. Argh.

Ah well... life goes on and all that mumbojumbo.

Change can be really unsettling to deal with - even when it's positive. I hope you remember that you are allowed to do nice things for yourself without feeling guilty about them, it's all part of nurturing oneself.

--splitimage

((((((((splitimage))))))))))))) thank you... I'm trying to remember that.

((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))

hi Christina, i really understand a lot of what you're saying about change and things... i guess for me, in the past, i was always so miserable i couldnt wait for change...

but its weird, cause i decided to stay at my last job til i gave it a real chance and got to know people and really put myself into it as much as i could.. i decided to stay, not change... and that decision did me some good too..

maybe theres a time for staying and a time for moving? it sure would be nice to reach the destination, but i know how you've heard life is the destination, so here's to sitting and resting, and moving and growing........

((((((((((Christina)))))))))))

You should really really really read the Wisdom of Insecurity. It's not what you think. It's more philosophy than self-help, but a mix. It's a brilliant book.

http://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Insecur.../dp/0394704681