[meccorad]

So, I've been thinking a lot lately on how to come clean with the family. I've got so much on my mind it's all going to pop and better I come to them then them finding out on their own. I just don't know how to initiate this.

Obviously I'm afraid (EXTREMELY afraid) of what they're going to say to me. I'm probably going to black out, like I did the first time. This time there's really no going back, or lying just till things blow over, this time it's pretty much the last resort. I'm afraid they're going to hate me, resent me, regret me...kick me out of the house or anything along that line. I'm sure there'd be some crying and yelling, screaming...all that good stuff. They're pretty religious-like so I'm sure I'll get stuck going to church for the rest of my life, unless of course they kick me out.

Here's a short list of topics that I've held a secret from my family and friends for 21 years...basically my whole life:
Depression
Sexuality
Drug Use
Self-Mutilation
Compulsive Lying
Anger and Rage

Soooo with that bright and shining list, how do I approach them and tell them I need to get therapy? I've already had therapy after the first incident, but I lied about everything just so it would blow over. It changed their whole outlook about me. It was pretty much the worst year of my life (totally attempted suicide that year)....Not quite sure what to do this time...

Any suggestions? Any personal experiences?

[x_BabyG_x]

Im kinda in the same situation, but with my dad. Kinda.

basically I just came out with it all when I flipped out and I was totally pissed one night... I cried, he cried... then the next day none of us mentioned anything! So just coming out with it when ur drunk is not the way to go lol.

Then about a month ago we went for a drive and for a meal, whilst we was waiting for our foods, I just came out with 'I think we need to talk... Im not well...' He took it quite well, but I was a lil pissed off that he mentioned that he remembered the night when we were both drunk n he just didnt wanna mention anything!

The only thing I havent mentioned is my self injury, which is probably the biggest problem for me. He doesnt know about it but I think its something that I must speak out about, as I know he will be of great help to me. My friend mentioned that I wrote a diary of it, and everything that I was feeling for about a month, and if its not too upsetting then give it to him to read.... If Im brave enough lol.

If your so scared by telling them face to face then why dont you write a letter or something? Or go with the diary idea? The thing is tho, i dont wanna scare him or upset him, but these things just have to be done... If I wanna help myself, I have to let the people around me know just how much I am struggling... so I have all the support I need.

Good luck, sorry If I wasnt any help I dont really know how to approach the subject myself!!

babyg xXx

[x_BabyG_x]

p.s - if its your family, Im sure they wont hate you or resent you or regret you!!

xXx

[onlymedid]

I am all with the writing it out part! I find that I can express myself best when writing. Also, it gives them a chance to process the information before confrontation can happen!
I have done this a few times in the past as I tend to steer clear of outright telling anyone anything out of fear of their reactions. Every time ended up ok when it was all said and done. It was certainly uncomfortable talking out all the feelings, confusions and thoughts about the situations, but in the end it was all ok.
I hope you are able to tell them everything you need to.
Til then I give you

All my best to you!

BJ

[DePressMe]

I would take it slow! Maybe not drop all of it on them at once. I was in therapy for some time before I started letting my family know what was going on with me. Maybe you could tell them enough to help you get to therapy and then work with this issue with your therapist. I am not saying hide everything because it is bad, but be selective with how much you let them now right off the bat.

I agree with DePressMe; you should take it slow. It'll be hard for you to say and hard for them to hear, but it needs to be done...
I'm not sure how you should go about it cos I'm not good at opening up myself, but maybe tell them enough for them to support you get the help you need, and work on the rest later?
Hope that helps!
Take care x

[meccorad]

I'm literally petrified about doing this. So many things have happened this year already, that I'm only going to compound things. I know what to expect too when I tell them I need therapy it's going to be another religious melt-down with the family.....

I'll say "I need to get some help, I want therapy"
They'll say "Only jesus can help you, you need to accept him"

Then that will continue on and on and on and then I'll just try to kill myself again, and end up exactly where I was when I was 17.....

Ugh. I haven't contacted anyone from home in about a week now...my mom keeps sending me emails to call home. But I'm just not in the mood.

[Perna]

Why are you doing this with this group of people? They don't exactly sound like "fertile ground" to sow your seed on! I know faith/grain of mustard and all but. . . your family of birth situation sounds a bit less than what you want?

If you are not likely to get help from that quarter, I wouldn't look for it there? Even if you think you have no one else, you have yourself, and I'd rather throw my lot in with you, than with them, it sounds like!

[Justgiving]

" Ugh. I haven't contacted anyone from home in about a week now...my mom keeps sending me emails to call home. But I'm just not in the mood. "

If I am understanding correctly you are not living with them? Is it because you need money from them to pay for your therapy?

If you are emailing each other, you could always say it by email then by face to face.

Do what is best for you. You go first. It's your life.

Good luck!

[meccorad]

I'm in college studying in germany this semester, because I thought it was something I've always wanted to do, but my problems only followed. Like that saying "You can't run away from your problems forever". I do live at home when I'm not in school, but I don't want to anymore. I'd like to live on my own and have a wonderful successful happy life...you know that ideal sorta thing, but just never happens kinda life.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I'm pretty much crashing and burning again, this time I won't be able to pick up all the little pieces and put humpty together again. I could pay for the therapy on my own, but they'd catch on, since I have a shared bank account since the government won't give me grant money for school if I make over a certain amount of money. That way my money's in my parents name, and the government gives me more money for schooling. Which I don't even know what I'm doing in school anymore. I'm just passing by, just like in highschool....

My dad also recently just got laid off this year, so that's just another burden they have to handle. How could I possibly drop this atom bomb on them? I'd rather not, they're going to be hurt enough when I finally tell them everything, I don't want to make things worse for them...

[nowheretorun]

hi meccorad... what i get from it is that you are doing your best to face and deal with your real thoughts and feelings about everything... everything... and that, imo, is a good thing...

when i look back now, what i didnt realize then, or appreciate enuf, is the truth that life is a growing process... a process of 'becoming' .... becoming who and what we are...

thats why it was so hard for me to make a career choice.... i didnt know what i was going to become in 10 , 20, 50 years....

an income is important, and a better one is a good thing... money isnt happiness, but it can be security, and security is peace of mind....

whatever you do, try to remember that there are always options and ways back to the main course... if you can, at least see future you as someone healthy and vibrant, and work towards that 'general' goal... its a big choice that will guide the following choices you might make for yourself...

best wishes to you always...

[meccorad]

I don't know about myself anymore. I swear I've lived past my expiration date. I just didn't see myself with a future when I was little and I still don't see myself with one now. I'm just one of those people that float through life without purpose; just part of the mass of humanity.

I don't know what I want to do with my life...I suppose just be happy with myself is a good goal for now. Although I feel like I'm getting propelled through life. I actually feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis at only 21...hahaha..

[Liberada]

[nightbird]

you could try and simplify things.. for yourself first.

KISS =keep it simple stupid. this is a phrase, and not about you being stupid, but a simple mantra for oneself, sort of, to remind us that we can choose to fix things in their time, and not take on more than we can handle basically.

if we prevent ourselves from becoming over-whelmed with our fixating on all of our problems at once, we do start cutting ourselves some slack and gain a much better perspective on our life.

i've learned once you start on one thing, the other areas start to line up or fall into place, eventually, as if our efforts are rewarded through our intention.

as far as a family that is resistant to change, i might not put alot of energy into what they may or may not think (or how they might react) about issues I am experiencing, and maybe, instead of lying to them, you could begin to see your deep seated personal life as worthy of boundaries - boundaries which you can enforce when others attempt to push their "stuff" on you, whether religious, philosophical, opinionated, or advice, like mine for example - lol.

if you do not want to share everything, you don't have to lie.
part of being a responsible adult is being forthright, but that does not mean explaining all things to all people.

like, one could they, 'I don't want to go into that right now', or, 'i find things more distressing to discuss right now' ... whichever is the truth, you find a way to say very nicely, NO, you may NOT go there with me.

now, if you feel, you have to discuss everything with your religious family, knowing ahead of time how they feel about anyone having issues must rely on god to heal them, or whatever it is they believe, you will not change this for them.

you might focus on school, find things you have to be grateful for and try to remain calm and get peaceful, seek therapy for free, afterall, in Germany, it is I think, and find support where you are - instead of miles away where their type of support is not working for you right now.

that's what i think i could handle. but that is me. speaking for myself.

hope i haven't offended you... just words, thoughts, whatever.

nightbird

[meccorad]

No you haven't offended me, in fact you've given me quite the glimpse of hope. I guess that's why I've always kept everything inside my whole life. I mean these aren't exactly the kinda things I can talk to my parents about...not without religious arguments and the shedding of tears. I had a therapist the first time, but lied about everything just so it would pass....now I kinda wish I would've gotten the help.

The day I approach them about therapy is going to be one heck of a day.....I'm already antsy about it and it's 5 months away....

thank you though...thank you all for the advice. I really do appreciate all the kind words from people here...I'm so glad I found this place.

[nightbird]

the best to you, meccorad, and I hear the old familiar - if i new then what i know now - in respect to using therapy better.

we all learn this.

it is a good realization.

be well, take good care of yourself,
night

[(JD)]

(((hugs)))

I think you might be overthinking on this.
You seem to have things figured out on one hand, yet you project a strong feeling like you NEED to tell them. Why? You are certainly "on your own" so much, do you get permission for all of your decisions? Why can't you get your own bank account? Or a savings account you can write checks with? Why would they be upset that you're in therapy? Wouldn't that be their issue?

Your self harming behavior is a symptom of other issues...not a disorder in itself. Once you begin to work through some things that are bottled up in you, that will ease. Perhaps some of the other issues will too? Why not give therapy a try. BTW, there are plenty of Christians and other religious people who do well in therapy, and there are many Christian therapists who stay in business with ease. If your folks do find out and give you grief over it, tell them that God uses doctors to help people all the time!

TC of yourself first. Then you can help others too.

[meccorad]

Oh Sky if only I knew the answers to that....lol

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I mean there is no real reason why I just don't make the actual effort to get my life on track, other than the fact that I just don't want to feel like a failure to everyone around me. I know that if I seek professional help, I won't want to continue school, and then I know they won't pay for therapy if I drop out. I've always been a big waste of money and I hate thinking that's what they think. I can't let them know how I feel, not without being cut off from the family, or rejected. Ever since the first incident they became extra religious and that's just not me. I'm an atheist, which is just one of the problems they have with me. That whole first incident opened up a can of worms. I can't dare do it twice and actually admit to these things. They already treat me differently in small subtle ways. They still love me, but under their own conditions. If they ever found out half the %#@&#! I've done in my life, they'd cut me out of the family. I honestly don't think any of them would accept me or forgive me.

I'm going to fail them, my friends, and myself.