Falling farther every hour

It's really bad, as bad as it gets without being actively suicidal. I keep falling and can't seem to do anything about it, I've made some efforts, done what I could, but it's hit me like a train and I don't know what to do, what I can do. I'm afraid of where this will go, what will happen if I tell or anyone finds out how bad it is.
I have so much to do and I can't get it done. Schoolwork, phonecalls, asking for help - I go to do them and try to think of what I need to write or say, and I can't put it together, then I feel so down, like it's all useless, and don't do anything. And I can't get my reading done, I get so drowsy trying to read it - that's about all I can do, sleep. I feel so miserable I can't bear it, and I have no idea what to do about it short of dying - but I don't want to do that to myself... dying would be great, but I'd rather not commit suicide. So I don't know what to do, nothing seems manageable, nothing's really helped before, it's all so hopeless.

Personally I think you should go to hospital.

I know you've contacted the hospital before....but to me you sound like you're in danger of committing or will try it if carries on any longer.

How about going to your local ER and telling them you feel in danger of committing?

I'm not really suicidal... just really depressed... but this would be the fourth time in four months, I need to just press through this time, I can't keep going to the hospital this way. At least not at this point. It's not bad enough yet, maybe it won't get there. I just can't keep doing this, and I've got to make it in school...
I don't know.

Which is the more important: your life or your school?

Please, if you don't feel it's serious enough for the hospital, get some kind of help. Can you have somebody stay overnight with you to keep you company, if you want it?

Taonuviel -- I am very concerned for you. As recently as a little more than a week ago, everything you write described me. It was like some evil spirit had taken over my body, so I knew what I was supposed to do and yet could not move to do it.

1. Have you tried using any of the exercises in Psychological Self-Help (available online, www.mentalhelp.org) or Dr. Burn's Feeling Good or Feeling Good Handbook. (The first helped me for a while, the second I was too far gone by the time I bought the books.)

2. Does the physician prescribing meds really, really know how you are feeling? If this physician is as unavailable as you stated in a previous post, I don't care if he is the Grand Poobah of expertise, you need someone who is responsive as well.

3. Are you seeing a therapist?

4. Are any family or friends or roommates available who have made suggestions about what you should do? My maxim is: If hear the same advice 2-3 times, it's time to prick up my ears and think strongly about taking that advice.

5. How can we help you? How can you help yourself?

1.I can't believe anything positive... self-help isn't very helpful to me.
2. No, all they know is I've been tired and more depressed. It's gotten worse since I talked to them.
3.Yeah... seen her twice... my T moved west... not too happy with the whole thing... don't know what to think of her.
4. No. I'm not close to anyone.
5. I guess there's no help. I'll just have to try to push through until my appointment Friday... see if a med change works.

What did you do to change how you felt?

Went to my T this morning, talked the whole time about my last week, how I'm really depressed and my thoughts of suicide. Since I've gotten help in the past and talked to someone before doing anything, and since I was somewhat open to options and not set on suicide, she was ok with me thinking I'd talk to someone if I were again. Thing is, I don't know for sure. I don't have a definate promise binding me, if I were really down there I may just do it without telling anyone. Though I am afraid of failing and the effect actually attempting would have on my schoolwork.

I can't decide what I want, or what I should do right now. I'm doing somewhat ok at the moment, but I can't hope for that to last. Still pretty crummy, just not dark and suicidal. Then I fear when I actually see my doc Friday, in that much time I could be really bad off, and I probably wouldn't be allowed to leave at that point.

I'm pretty sure what I really need is a medicine change, maybe things could even get better, maybe a right one could be found. But I don't feel safe until then, I don't trust myself, and I know I'm going to feel like trash again soon enough, everything will be dark and hopeless, and then it's dangerous.

So I don't know what to do. Hold out and see what happens? Go to the hospital even though I'm somewhat ok at the moment for safety's sake? Is there another option? I just don't know, but I feel I need to decide soon.

Called doctor about not being able to make it until Friday, going in for a PHP evaluation, we'll see how it goes.