[meccorad]

I'm so flustered right now I can't think....I feel lower than low

So many things weighing on my mind I'm ready to just collapse. I know drugs are bad and all, but I've seriously got enough grass here to tranq an elephant.

I received a care package from home with a letter from my mom about how everyone misses me and such, about how dad got laid off, and then some jesus stuff about how she prays for my safety everyday yadda yadda yadda...

So now I don't want to ask for therapy when I come home. Because with things as crazy as they are right now, asking for therapy will only compound things and I'm pretty sure It'd be way more than they can handle.....Seriously if they only know a quarter of the things going on in my head they'd explode.

and now I'm stuck. I'm going to get scuttled along through my senior year of college, graduate with a degree worth nothing, because I'm dumb. I won't have a job and then I'm going to have to spill the beans anyways about what's going on in my life...so either way I'm pretty much F'd in 380 days.....

Now I can do one of three things:
1.) Spill the beans when I get home, deal with consequences like a man
2.) graduate, then spill the beans...
3.) get home, runaway, leave everything behind, be homeless....

I know I'm too old to actually runaway from home and it's not like my parents could do anything about it legally since I am 21....but still I have nothing better in life, so why not? I'm just going to disappoint everyone anyways, might as well do it with style.

[ECHOES]

Do they need to know?

Since you're an adult now you can go to therapy without your family having any reason or need to know that you are.

If you're still in college, see if there are counselling services offered there at your school. Often it's very inexpensive.

[meccorad]

I run the risk of letting everyone know I'm crazy...I'm too caught up in my own little ball of lies to let the string get pulled, if you know what I mean. I know I should seek help....but I can't go to the place on campus. There was an incident in my room last semester where my buddy's roommate tried to kill himself by OD'ing on sleeping pills and rum. He ended up throwing up all night in my room, while we went outside and smoked a whole pack of cigs each. Plus I couldn't handle the embarassment I'd feel if my friends new where I was....It's bad enough we had to speak with a psych about why we tried to help him...

I was totally traumatized by the experience, but I wasn't going to admit it and then spill the beans about everything else....god I'm such waste.

Either way in a year it won't matter....

[nightbird]

deleted because I posted without accurate information

[nightbird]

Did not see your next post to ECHOES

Part of growing up is being accountable for our actions, and forthright straightaway.

I think you worry about what others will think about you, neglecting what you think about yourself, am I right?

Do what you think is right. Inside. You will eleviate problems for yourself.

It's shaky going at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's better than being pulled down behind lies, etc. Practice. You gotta start somewhere. Pick your transformation day Dude.

Peace,
nightbird

[BalishBun]

I would have to say go to college, get help, and then decide to tell family or not.

[Fuzzybear]

[Clandestine]

Hey meccorad,

I've been through what happened to you. I'm 20 at the moment, and during my senior year of college, everything's fked up. And I didn't tell anyone. If you want, go read my post on General section about me going to a psychiatric ward. I can totally relate to you since we're of the same age and we're dealing with almost similar negative thoughts.

My suggestion: In as much as you don't want to seek professional help, either because you think it might just worsen things, I still think it's better. WHY? It's sh`it to face those crap alone. I know what you mean by being STUCK and it's so crappy, right? I never knew about such psychiatric and psychologic things until I was involuntarily put in a ward last January, so yeah. Good thing at this point in time, you get to consider things, unlike what happened to me.

So go and finish college, you can do it. I'm contemplating on what you should do, option 1 or option 2.

We can talk if you want, just PM me. I'm interested to be of help ;]

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>