[mak62184]

Sorry, I just need to vent. Sorry if nobody cares or thinks I'm being unreasonable or immature.

Basically, I got into a major fight with my parents and one of my sisters this morning, and they tried putting all the blame on me. My sister called me a drama queen because of course I was crying and really upset. If she doesn't know by now that I get that way when dealing with them, then she really needs to get her head examined. It's weird, I never ever have meltdowns, except when talking to my immediate family. They just seem to bring out the worst in me.

What we were fighting about this morning was how I feel that some people in the house feel that they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, but not everyone else can. Then they were trying to make me change how and when I like to do my laundry, which I should not have to do. The fight was just stupid.

But, it got worse because job stuff about me came up again and that they all think I'm not sleeping enough (Which I don't think is true) and how my sister doesn't think I have an anxiety disorder or bad depression. Uh yeah, if I didn't, I would have no problems going up to people and speaking to them, I would make phone calls without having to be by myself in fear that they are going to listen in and make fun of me. Also getting on the phone with a stranger is a big challenge for me. I basically have no friends who live around here either. I'm afraid of meeting new people too in the fear that they'll all reject me right away for dumb reasons like wearing glasses, not being a size 0, etc...

So, my mom was telling me to go seek help, which I would love to, but I'm really afraid about money right now. Even though my parents have been talking about lowering rent for me, so I can pay for a therapist, but I still don't trust them. I also don't want to end up paying a fortune for medication I do not want to take or might not work. I really feel medication is not the answer to everything.

I have been able to think, unfortunately at work and I think at the expense of my duties this morning, as I was late. Go figure, the only time someone actually listens to me, I end up late for work. But I really want to talk to my family about what is going on with me. I'm just afraid that we'll just end up in a huge fight again, and that I'll be told that I'm wrong.

I just wish I could be happy for once. All I ever feel is like I'm going to be judged for everything.

[DOWNINNATICK]

Don't think nobody will listen, you are important and the darn depression is screwing up your emotions. Do you see someone for the depression? If so, maybe talk with him/her and see if you could bring your family there for a session of two, so the counselor could explain some of what you're going through, and that you're don't a drama queen, it's the illness and unless they have had it, they will not understand it from you. I too am afraid to allow strangers into my life, don't have any friends and talk with people forget it, I feel they are judging me for the way I talk or look.

I hope things work out for you and that life with your family gets better and no more big fights. Vent here anytime you need too.

[kelm]

is there anyone at work (boss/management, co-worker) that would take some time to chat and listen to you? it might seem strange, but during the times that i had major "action" at home, the people that i work with have been supportive and helpful in getting over those 'spells'....... it doesn't always seem to help telling co-workers too much, but, surprisingly, you're not alone and quite a few have been through similar feelings..... and the same goes for management...... a lot have personal understanding of depression and want to help.....

[mak62184]

I'm going to try ot go to a therapist now. It is just so difficult. And I've come to realize it is mostly my dad and my 2 sisters that are the difficult ones to deal with. My mom is occasionally, but not to the extent of the other 3. My older sister is pretty cool too, but I don't think she'd understand what's going on either because we are just complete opposites.

Anyway, I ended up in another major argument with dad when I got home from work. Basically, I ended up with the worst headache ever, I felt sick to my stomach, so I ended up taking some asprin and sleeping for almost 3 hours this afternoon. Then at dinner I actually wanted to talk rationally to both him and my mom, and he immaturely walked away because he doesn't know how to deal with me.

I'm starting to think that it is the unkind words we use towards one another on a daily basis that might be triggering some of the depression. If I'm not having fights with people, my 1 sister is. She also pretty much blamed me for her and my other sister turning into snarky brats. Like because I got attention for having ADD and needing extra help with school stuff. Did I want that attention? Definitely not, but it is definitely not my fault that my sister is really rude. She always has sort of been that way. But yeah, my family fights constantly, and I can't stand it anymore. I was much happier when I was only around the house for a month at a time due to school and working at a sleep away camp during the summer. It is really sad when you realize all your family does is argue with one another and put each other down. It's ridiculous, and I think I'm going to really work hard to not put people down as much, including to myself.