approaching meltdown - may trigger, sorry can't remember which icon

This is long. Just no way to explain my situation briefly.

I have quite a number of stressors and am wondering if I am capable of fixing my life or I am always going to fail. I didn't used to be this way. I worked for 15 years as a critical care nurse and loved my job but the day my abusive BF came to the hospital and threatened to kill me there I totally lost it. I was abused for 2 years but work was my safe place. That day I realized there was no safe place. I was unable to concentrate to care for my patient and left to go to a domestic violence shelter. I wasn't even able to give a coherent report on my patient. My mind was scrambled from that moment and I have never been able to regain my functioning. Actually things got even worse after that day because I came home from the shelter after 2 weeks when my BF agreed to go to counseling (which didn't work). Long story of events edited here for brevity but one year later I shot and killed him because I didn't want to die. Trust me this was a VERY last resort; even the trooper said he understood why I had to do it. Then followed a severe depression of guilt and confusion where I slept 12-16 hours/day and was always stoned when I was awake to numb the pain.

Okay so that is WHY I am now loco but I cannot seem to function still. I used to be an excellent advocate for my son (learning disability & mental illness) but after my BF's death it was all I could do to keep him fed. Since then he has failed nearly every class. Last year a social worker came to my house and told me my child could be taken away from me because of the condition of my house. Nothing changed except my child is now 18 so CPS no longer is a threat. The condition of my house is deplorable. It is difficult to walk because of the trash, clutter and god knows what that is 1-3 feet deep in every room. I have insect infestations and creatures living in my house. In the past week I have seen lizards, mice, and a snake (non-poisonous). Fortunately I am not afraid of them but still it is distracting when I wake up at 4am and hear some creature burrowing or whatever they do behind my dresser and I think okay I'm fine with you there but please don't get in bed with me. I have learned not to eat in bed and sleep with the food any longer since I woke up when a mouse was running up my back. The clutter is so bad that I can no longer exit my back door. There were cobwebs in the sugar this morning and I was like, well nobody probably ever died from cobwebs so I put a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee anyway. I haven't been able to cook in my kitchen for months; my son and I eat every meal out. I can't even find the dishes anymore beneath all the clutter. I desperately need help cleaning but the girl I had before was a thief. My son says I am just lazy and should clean it up but it isn't that simple. I make goals and seldom carry through.

To complicate things since I have become menopausal I now sleep usually 2-4 hours/night and am soooo tired all the time. I have talked to my doctor, tried many different meds (am also bipolar), talked about sleep studies but for whatever reason it hasn't been done. Because of my fatigue/laziness/mental illness/whatever I have been missing appointments with both my own and my son's doctors, unable to regularly attend a 4 hour outpatient therapy program so was discharged, can't even keep my meds refilled consistently.

But anyway, (are you still reading?), I am totally overwhelmed by all this plus a defiant teen and the anniversary of my BF's death is this month which always is very stressful. So my therapist suggested I get away and do something fun for a change. I decided to go to a motel in an area that I would like to visit. Great plan. But then when I tried to pack a suitcase yesterday I can't even find a week's worth of clothing because of the clutter. It's not like I don't have clothing, trust me I buy new clothes all the time because I can't find them in the clutter and the cycle repeats. So last night as I couldn't sleep I was in despair because I am unable to go on a much needed trip and then I started worrying about my animals (horse, dog, cats). In June of this year my son was being a total %#@&#! and wouldn't respect me even when I told him I was on the edge of insanity, don't push me and his response was FU, FU, FU and I had to go drive my car for two hours to get away because I was having a strong desire to beat the little %#@&#! until he was bruised and bleeding which I know wouldn't really help things but would probably get me into jail. Things weren't getting any better with my son and I have have very little support system so I said %#@&#! the world, thought about suicide, got drunk but ended up checking myself into a psychiatric hospital for a week. Of course I was fed up with everybody so I didn't tell anybody where I was and I ended up being listed as a missing person with the state police. My son didn't even miss me until I had been gone for 3 days. I had left plenty of food for the animals on the porch thinking when he realizes I am gone/dead/other he will feed them. Wrong. The horse has a field so he was okay but my 15 year old dog looked bad when I came home. So now even if I could get my %#@&#! together I don't know that I can trust my son to be responsible to feed the animals if I did take a break.

I have been crying today for the first time in a long time. I am totally overwhelmed and don't have a clue how to fix my life. At this point I don't even know if it can be fixed and I wonder if I should just give up. It sounds so simple to fill a trash bag and clean the house but I start and then falter. Did I mention I am overwhelmed?

I am running out of hope here.

Do you have or have you thought about getting a therapist? Visit the Psychotherapy forum on Psych Central for others' experiences with therapy, and maybe some help for you. You might repeat your story there, or point people to this message.

Your son is probably being "defiant" because he now has to grow up and is panicked because he doesn't think he has the resources to do so. Maybe you realize this already.

Hugs..........

I feel for you so much after reading your story I am lucky enough to have a husband here who looks after me day to day and also our four children, however without him here my life would be very similar to yours so I can empathize with the way that you feel, I read your story out to my husband as an example of how I feel day to day and share with him the guilt that I feel each day and said to him what do you say to someone like that ?

He said............ just suggest that she cleans out the sugar bowl tiny steps everyday, I know it works as I get out of bed each day and get washed and dressed, it has taken me six months to get there but it feels far less hard than day one.

Hugs Tishie.

(((((yoda))))) i understand.

Dear Yoda... I so wish a bunch of us could show up at your house and help you right now. I can so relate to your pain and I congratulate you for having the courage to tell your story and reach out for help. Though our stories are different the pain, the overwhelming sensations that paralyze you from doing anything.... so familiar. So painful and draining of all hope.

I want to hug you and tell you that its going to be okay. I want to hold you and assure you that there is light at the end of this tunnel. You will survive. You have survived so much all ready and you will survive this too.

You have made a big step by putting yours story to words here. Keep talking, keeping putting it in the light, keeping asking for help.

I get how overwhelming everything is right now. When I was at my lowest someone asked me to consider what in the mess of it all I had control of. I was blank. She had to tell me I had control of who lived in my house. I had control of whether or not I got out of bed. I had control of who cared for my son. I had control of what I was going to wear that day. I thought it a silly exercise at the time but what it did was empower me to take control of a little more and a little more of things that were overwhelming me. Taking things in small manageable pieces. Setting small goals that you know you can achieve. Brush your teeth. Go to the bathroom. Feed the dog. Small but significant. Small but empowering. Acknowledge what you do no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Celebrate the tiniest of accomplishments. The positive affirmation fills your cup for the next goal on your list.

Your house seems to have gotten beyond your abililty to tackle alone. You need help. You must get that help from somewhere. Your son should be cleaning that place up for you. Short of that he should be asked to leave. Harsh maybe but your health and your future is on the line.

Do you have any family or friends you can ask to help. Organize a house cleaning party. I know you might be embarrassed about it but its not the time for pride to get in your way. You sound like someone who has been pretty independent and hasn't asked for help very often. That's what you have to let go of right now. That's the pressure you have to release yourself from. We can't do this alone. That's the biggest learning many of us have had to make. Our stubborn independance and sense of self sufficiency contributes to our illnesses. It's not helpful.

Please contact whatever agency, doctor, therapist you can to get to listen to you. Expect help and open yourself up to being helped.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Will check back later to see how you are doing. Please keep posting and believing things can be better. I know they can.

Hello Yoda. I am sorry for your suffering and your isolation at this time. I would highly suggest seeing a therapist and getting a case manager that can help you get someone in to help you clean your house. Getting a timer and setting the timer for 15 minutes and working for 15 minutes helps many people because it helps to see progress even though it seems slow it makes a great difference to see something getting done. Perhaps calling a good friend or family member to help you clean up will help, I dont think that you and your home are beyond help all you need is someone to help you get motivated and possibly on the right medication to help you get started. Get a timer and set it for 15 minutes and you will hopefully see a difference soon in how things are when you are actually doing instead of worrying about things not getting done. Writing a list of where to start and what needs to get done helps as well. Perhaps your son can help you get things done so you can feel less stressed. Take care of yourself. Soidhonia

i really agree with the practical advice you ve already gotten from the responses here yoda. all i can add is that it might help to tell your T exactly what you have posted here and to ask him/her if s/he can help you look for a case manager or organise to get someone in to help clear the house or motivate you to clean it a bit.
you can get through this. sounds like you are collapsing after going through such a traumatic time. you need as much help as possible but you can come through this and life can only get better from here. your difficulties are mental now and you re not threatened physically any more. these difficulties may be harder to identify and 'see' but, with help, you cant take back control here.
good luck. keep coming back here and posting.
good luck. keep taking control of each little bit you can as you can.
biiv
ps i love the pic in your attachment.

(((yoda)))

I agree with the others, you have to take steps, but dont let the steps bog you down. Take them one at a time, but make sure not to do too much that will upset yourself, either.

I hope for the best for you and your son.

Thank you all for this much needed support. I find it comforting that people can relate to my pain. At this point I am having alot of trouble focusing and thought things you said in your posts that I wanted to comment about but this is not my most coherent moment.

I got in my car and headed to town thinking I would run by the pharmacy and perhaps stop by the outpatient group therapy group to talk to the manager about why my attendance has been bad lately as a result of worsening in my condition and see if I could restart the therapy but I don't know if that is what I want. Some of the education is good and 2 of the 3 therapists are competent but sometimes I think they give me bad advice. Like telling me why don't I just get a new house? Sure dude right as soon as I hit the lottery?!! And telling me I should kick my son out because he is now 18 and sometimes difficult to live with. My son makes me crazy and certainly there are moments I would like to lock him in the closet but I love him dearly and even though I am ready for him to leave HE is not quite ready to be totally responsible for himself.

But anyway I skipped the group therapy chic and instead drove to my private therapist's office asking to move up my appt and I guess I looked bad because she saw me today. She said that she has thought I was depressed for ~ 3 months now and told me to call my doctor and discuss an antidepressant. I have been off antidepressants since May 2005 and have not been depressed until June this year. So as soon as I can compose a coherent message I am going to e-mail my doc and discuss options.

My therapist also suggested that I might go to the health department and ask for help in cleaning my house as it definitely is a health hazard (we're talking broken glass on the floor that I just throw a pizza box over to walk on). This is somewhat confusing to me as my private therapist has been telling me for awhile that I need help, why doesn't somebody help, why don't I have a case manager, et cetera but I got no response when I asked my doc if I could benefit from a case manager and the therapists at the group therapy have been telling me I don't need, help, I can do it myself, I am high functioning. ?? Well no I didn't get stupid when I became mentally ill but I don't quite see what they see in me as high functioning.

I have cried much today but I did have to LOL at Tishie's husband comment that perhaps I should start small and just clean the sugar bowl. Yes, it would be nice to not have cobwebs in my coffee tomorrow.

Funny Cat

You should be very proud of your efforts. I'm believing they will bear fruit for you.

Since you seem to like funny cat pics I thought I'd post this one for you....

Opps.... posted that last one as a URL instead of a pic.... here's another...



I got a reminder today to laugh more and worry less. Thought I'd share some laughter with you to lighten your worries a little.

Take good care....

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chocolatelover said:
Funny Cat

You should be very proud of your efforts. I'm believing they will bear fruit for you.

Since you seem to like funny cat pics I thought I'd post this one for you....

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<font color="red">Thanks yes I do. Seems no matter how depressed I am I still have a sense of humor. I got my very first professional pedicure/manicure yesterday and today while I was debating suicide I thought well at least the coroner would say "she has a lovely manicure" </font>

This image best shows my emotions today:

I notice lots of folks here have great sense of humours. A great coping skill for sure. Glad you made it past a suicide thinking episode. I'm sure like me... while suicide may seem attractive at times... our boys keep us grounded.

My mother suicided and I'd attempted a few times before she'd succeeded. Since my son was born I knew it was no longer an option. You don't get over loosing a parent to suicide. I actually put off mother hood till I was 39 cuz I really didn't expect I'd survive my suicidal thinking. Only once I'd lived 10 years without an attempt did I allow myself to consider motherhood.

I give thanks for my son everyday.... he gives me purpose and he gives me strength to hang on through every up and down of my life.

Take care.... a belly laugh a day is very good medicine. I try to have one with my son at least one a day. A good mental hygiene practise I find.

Awe.... so cute!!!

I hear you. I was a little like that at times today too. I'm giving myself credit and so should you for knowing my limits. It's okay to lag behind and take it slow. It's necessary sometimes and its probably the best coping skill you could practise when you are in overload like now.

You've inspired me to share another.... brb...

ps.... you just showed me that I've overcome a big phobia of mine.... I used to break out in a sweat if I saw red type. Not sure the root but until now I couldn't read anything printed in red without cycling into a panic.

YAH.... it didn't happen!!! See.... we can believe in recovery!!!

Here's one that a dear friend shared with me a while back to remind me I wasn't alone....

Hi Yoda,

I can relate to the house...my last depression also turned my house into a pigpen. Fortunately, my best friend, who is also my ex husband, came and helped me. We spent a week using his truck and cleaning my house. That has been some time ago and my house is still in pretty good shape. When I am depressed it feels physically impossible for me to accomplish things such as housework, laundry and yard work. It is not because I am lazy--I just can't do it. I can't function when I get depressed. Yes, you do sound depressed too. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try to do what it takes to break the depression and then you can worry about the house. Well, in the mean time, try to keep the health hazard down to a minimum. I had to set little tiny goals for myself. Start small and tackle bigger things as my depression improved.

You have mentioned suicide--I think you have done it in some what of a joking manner...but if you really are having suicidal thoughts you really do need to get some more help. Are you kinda joking or are you trying to convey a message to us? Please, do what it takes to keep yourself safe. I notice you are online now--feel free to PM me if you want. I'll be on and off PC the rest of the morning. Again, please be safe--things will get better.

sounds like you ve taken some very good and important steps yoda. could you maybe write out a list of exactly what help you want from your doc when you see her/him so you can be sure s/he gives you an answer on everything when you get there?
i really agree with the idea of starting getting control of your house by cleaning the sugar bowl though!
good luck and well done. keep at it and you will get there!
biiv

edited to add: i just discovered the second page on this thread. duh. im so sorry things are so bad that you are having these thoughts. whether or not you re seriously considering suicide even the fact the thought pops into your head means you really do need as much help as you can get. please keep safe and be brave enough to ask for help when you need it. you deserve it!

I am trying to dig myself out of this hole. I bought a new skillet since I can't find those lost in the clutter and cooked sausage and eggs. I think that is the first meal I have cooked this year that wasn't just microwave heated. I was feeling encouraged but after about 3 hours I was overcome with fatigue and had to lie quietly in my room. Sometimes it feels like there is too much input coming in to process. I had hoped to take my son to a movie today but I simply don't have the energy. I am so disappointed with myself.

I e-mailed my doc but he has not responded yet so I am on my own, I suppose.

To those who questioned my mention of suicide in my post:

First let me say that I have read that we are not supposed to talk about suicide in the forums and I am somewhat confused as what that means. I am thinking it is in the context that someone would say "oh I think I'll just end it all today" and stir the emotions of those on this board as would somebody seeking attention or a troll. But suicide is very real and I would hope that we could talk honestly for it is something many of us here have thought about and some have tried. If I am wrong, correct me.

Actually I was seriously contemplating suicide in June this year when I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital as far as printing the map to my suicide destination. I am not that seriously thinking of it now but I fear the lability of my emotions may one day take me there again. A week after my son was born I attempted suicide. I asked for help. When I called my ob-gyn he told me to drink a beer. Asking for help doesn't always get help. I know the incidence of suicide with my type of mental illness and that frightens me.

I am feeling very depressed but not with intent to die today. I have done what I know to do to find help: 1. posted here, 2. counseled with my personal therapist, 3. e-mailed my doctor

Still I am overwhelmed and running out of hope for change. Please tell me there's a way to get out of here.

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I am trying to dig myself out of this hole. I bought a new skillet since I can't find those lost in the clutter and cooked sausage and eggs. I think that is the first meal I have cooked this year that wasn't just microwave heated. I was feeling encouraged but after about 3 hours I was overcome with fatigue and had to lie quietly in my room. Sometimes it feels like there is too much input coming in to process. I had hoped to take my son to a movie today but I simply don't have the energy. I am so disappointed with myself.

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(((YODA)))

Small steps...first, congrats on getting the new skillets, fixing the food, and eating it. Remember, small steps. Someone mentioned it here, and I do it off and on, cleaning a little bit at a time, especially when it is a huge mess, it is a lot better than none at all.

Sometimes I find myself doing so, then finding it hard to stop ...

I hope things continue to get better for you...

I mean, anyone that cooks sausage and eggs cant be half-bad LOL...

And there is a way out of "here" as you mention. You have a plan (which you mentioned 1-3) which is good...its better than just sitting around and waiting for others to help you...

I am happy for you and proud that you are taking steps to help yourself. Be proud as well--many dont take the steps necessary--continue to do so!

Hi Yoda... yes there is a way out of where you are at and you are doing all the right things to get there. It takes time. It takes honouring your limits and not beating yourself up when you can't do as much as you'd like or think you should. You have to pace yourself and take lots of breaks. All the things you are doing suggest you get that. It will get better in time.

A year ago I was in such bad shape that I couldn't leave my house. I couldn't drive. I couldn't stand long enough to even do the dishes. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying from the stress of trying to pay attention or keep up a conversation. I couldn't work for lack of energy and lack of focus. I wasn't sleeping more than a couple of hours a night if that. I was at my very lowest point.

It has been a year of slow recovery and the contrast to where I was at is striking. I am still not 100% but I'm so much better than I was that I have real reason to be optomistic about my future. I expect this year to bring even more progress.

I'm not sharing my story with you to hi-jack your thread but to demonstrate to you that you have good reason to be hopeful. As bad as things are right now they can and they will get better. You seem to know all the right things to do and you seem to have the determination to get better.

I hope you feel encouraged knowing that many people here understand from experience the pain you are in right now and can also report from experience that in time and with effort and determination you can get better. A whole lot better. It just takes patience and realistic expectations.

As for the subject of suicide.... I interpret the rules like you. Not okay to announce on the board an intention to suicide but it is okay to ask for help when you are dealing with suicidal thoughts or refer to times in our lives when we struggle/d with the issue.

If I am wrong then I need to know that too. I've no doubt an administrator will show up here to clarify this for us. Probably would have by now if we'd crossed the line already. That's part of the beauty of this place. Lots of wonderful people looking out for others. So long as our intention is to be informative and helpful than I doubt it would be an off-limits topic.

I wish you continued success making forward motions in your life. You are a true survivor and it will get better and better day by day. Believe it. Continue to believe in yourself and believe that all your dreams can come true. Your dreams my begin to change over the course of your recovery so stay open to a new vision for your life. I have and I'm very content and optimistic about how its unfolding.

Take good care.....

I am having small shifts in mood in the past few days. Mostly dark depression with fatigue but moments where I can focus and do small tasks. I took my son to the mall today to buy some pants and a shirt. I had thought I would look around at the mall for something to cheer me up - you know, retail therapy, but I was overcome with fatigue before we even left the mall and it was a struggle to drive home and immediately I had to lie quietly on my bed because I was feeling overwhelmed.

Three hours later I have not slept but feel mostly detached/numb.

On Friday I saw my therapist who recommended I contact my MD to discuss an anti-depressant. I sent my MD an e-mail Friday and no response so sent another this morning. Still no response. Everybody here is telling me to ask for help but what do I do when help isn't found?

I am thinking I am in a mixed bipolar state rather than depression because yesterday I was extremely angry for no specific reason and when I was driving my car I was thinking I really wish somebody would mess with me now because I so very much would like to beat somebody senseless with my Maglite. I had decided I would not provoke a physical altercation but was looking for every opportunity to incite someone to anger and then I was going to tell them go ahead take the first punch and then I am going to F**** you up. But nothing happened.

I am terribly frustrated that I am getting no response from my MD. Is a four day delay acceptable or not? The worst thing is even though I don't trust him there is nobody else I trust either so there is no point in firing him when I have no one else to treat me.

I am having a difficult time differentiating my reasonable anger and irrational anger.

I don't have another appt until early October with my therapist and right now I don't know if I am stable. This board is the only place I have to express my pain and find support.

Hi Yoda.... good to hear from you again.

Is going to the hospital an option? Might be the fastest way to get some MD attention. You seem to be coping well given how poorly you are feeling. It is lousy isn't it when you finally decide to ask for help but it's so slow in coming. It is good we have PC to come to any time of day or night. Knowing that and connecting with folks here has pulled me through more than one bad time.

I think the physical fatique is one of the hardest things to deal with. It tires the brain. Breaks down defenses. Challenges one's ability to cope and focus. Rage or tears seem so close to bursting as the fatique causes one to feel more and more overwhelmed by the simplest of things. Add a little extra stress and its that much harder. I guess I wonder which is to blame for what actually. Is it the fatique that makes the stress harder to handle or is it handling the stress that causes the fatique which feeds the depression.

I used to have energy to burn no matter how much I abused myself whether over working or over playing. I guess I should stop comparing myself to before the crash but I do miss my happy, high energy, high productivity manic times.

While I'm better than I was a year ago most days I still have to rest every couple of hours or so or I'll pay for it with increased depression. I tend to need one or two down days after every active day or part day. And even there my active day is pretty darn inactive in contrast to what was my normal. I have to really baby myself to avoid cycling one direction or another.

I do hope you can get some medical attention really soon. You need to give yourself credit for coping as well as you are. Don't short change your strength and courage.

Here for you any time.....

Yoda,

What you are going through right now sounds so similar to all the feelings I have gone through the last 12 years.......my depression started as a situation & went downhill from there. The only thing different was your abusive boyfriend situation.

My marriage was very unhappy even though he was a nice person...he just isn't a good husband. My career as an aerospace engineer was my escape from my unhappy family life & without that, I was completely lost. I was a mother of a wonderful daughter, but I didn't want to be a mother either. So when I lost my career, I lost myself & that anxiety went directly into depression & so many suicide attempts & hospitalizations....I lost count.

My husband was working, but without the 2 incomes, we could no longer pay for the housekeeper. I was doing the house work to start with, but then I got no help & started refusing to do anything in the house. That was around 1995........add to that, we added many dogs & with that came doggie messes. Living in the California desert, the dust & dirt comes inside with the winds that never stop....& the dirt kept piling up. Dishes were used & never cleaned, things were just dropped on the floor whereever he decided to drop them & I refused to pick up after him. Our marriage was at the over point for so many years but it was always "if you don't like it get out". I had no where to go, so my getting out was to hibernate in my room & left the house to him.....& the dirt kept piling up.

Then he was fired from his job & he ended up depressed like how loosing my career effected me. Then he understood how I had felt, but it was ok for him to feel that way & not for me. The dirt continued to pile up & papers that should have gone into the trash were thrown onto the floor to pile up even more. At least, we pretty much kept the doggie dirt cleaned up as much as possible......(as much as possible isn't good though). The house is filthy. One morning, he was cooking on the stove & ran into a spider web. He looked up & there was a huge black widow staring back at him.

He didn't see the dirt & I refused to do anything about it all by myself. Then to top that, my Mother died & I moved some things I wanted to keep from her house into ours. Every room of our 2500 sq ft home was filled to overflowing. There is no way to walk across any room without tripping over everything....& there isn't even enough room to make pathways.

My description of my house is 4 walls holding it all in & if they fell down, the junk would cover our city at least 2 feet deep all over. It feels like the city dump contained in 4 walls & a roof.

I knew that after I sold my Mothers house that I was going to buy a farm somewhere so I could finally have my horses on my own property rather than having to board them.....but that would mean I would be moving & would have to pack up the mess. Selling the house meant that EVERYTHING in the house would have to be gone through & thrown away, given away, or packed. Then all the dirt that had been piling up needed to be cleaned...besides, I couldn't pack up dirty things....they all would have to be cleaned. That job was overwhelming & completely impossible. If not impossible.....how many years would it take to do it????

As soon as I sold my Mothers house, I started packing up little things & I didn't make even a dent in the mess. I saw years & years or work ahead of me & because neither of us were working, couldn't afford to hire anyone. That was my pdoc's suggestion...just hire it done.....so was he going to donate money to the cause???? I think not!!!!

I would just lay in bed & cry & anxiety attacks would pile one on top of another....realizing the reality that it was never going to get done....& while it wasn't getting done, it was getting worse daily.....how could I ever get ahead of a daily process that wouldn't stop?

Then I took a trip to Kentucky & found the farm of my dreams.....or at least the farm land & house.....that still needs the horse barn & dressage arena.......but there was the incentive to get moved. A clean slate...& new home that is now all painted with new carpet & nothing in it. I was there for 2 1/2 months getting it cleaned up & repaired. I gave my husband instructions on what I wanted done in the CA home & that didn't happen. The bottom line was that he was as overwhelmed as I was.....so how could I expect him to do something I was having problems with. However, my farm was also my way to "get out if I didn't like it". So the move to Kentucky is all my own. While in Ky, I learned that the me that I had lost when I got married was the one that does something when it has to be done.....not waiting for it to get done by someone else, or waiting for it to go away. I got in & did things there & was determined to bring that me back to CA. However when I arrived back at my CA house, the overwhelm took over for a few weeks. Figuring out where to even start was impossible. I would lay in bed thinking about what I needed to do & did NOTHING.....day after day. Then one day, I got some empty boxes & started putting things into them......I started at one end of a room. I would pick up everything & decide if it was throw away, keep, or give away....boxing things appropriatly. As I got things picked up off the floor, I could actually see all the dirt on the carpet.....maybe 1/8" deep in just dirt.....so I got a brush out & a vacuum & started cleaning under where the things had been sitting. This was a start. Sometimes I would pick something up & decide I needed it to be in another room upstairs. I would go upstairs & start working around that item....then I would come across something from another room & go into there......then I would work around that area. It was amazing how everything started coming together.

Honestly, it is no where close to being finished.....I have only been in Ca since Aug 2, I couldn't figure out where to start for a few weeks, so I haven't really gotten too far. The other method that I am working on is finding like things & putting them together.....that is where the going from room to room comes in. Then I decided to collect all the bed sheets & covers......the towels........the blankets. Each have a wash basket I pile them in as I come across them & then I put them into the washer & dryer. As I get them cleaned, I fold them & pile them in their correct piles as to the size of the bed......or pack them up ready for the move after I have decided if I'm going to keep them. I have all my candles on one table & picture frames on another. I find boxed to pile other like things into & then I find some time when I just want to sit down & that's when I clean all the things & get all the years of dirt off of them.

I also understand your frustration in finding needed help. There isn't anything worse than having a problem & everyone telling you that you need help, but no one helps you get the help you need. I know after my Mother died, I was very ill. The trauma I went through with the home care person who I caught stealing my Mothers ID & the threats I got caused me so much stress I ended up not being able to eat. That landed me in the hospital on a central line to keep me alive & I was afraid of being found by the lady. I was being told that I had anorexia & needed to be in a treatment center....by my pdoc & my GP. They all told me to find a place to get the help I needed & in looking around, the ED treatment centers said it wasn't anything they could help me with because my problem was PTSD & not true anorexia.....so where in the world do you go for help......I needed someone to give me direction....I wasn't in any state to give myself direction. I was continually loosing weight even after that & was in the hospital every few weeks because of dehydration. Weak from not being able to eat, anxiety attacks & horrible nightmares so I couldn't sleep for fear of them. I was finally put on seroquel for the anxiety....it would knock me out so I could finally sleep without the nightmares, but I was completely useless to function.....but I couldn't get any help. I felt so helpless & that turned into anger.....why in the world couldn't I get any help....it felt complicated to me, but there were professionals out there that should be able to help.....why wouldn't anyone listen to me? Didn't they believe that what I went through had effected me this way? It didn't seem that serious to them.....they weren't the ones that were threatened or the one that went through the death of their Mother without any support. Feeling abandoned by the professionals is the most frustrating feeling I have ever had & the anger that caused.....made me strike out at anyone in my way. It has now been 2 1/2 years since my Mother died but until I found my farm in Ky, I was a mess. There was some improvement the last 6 months.....but the new life in KY made a complete difference....it is like starting over with a clean slate.....even the nightmares were left behind......& the realization of being free from the marriage that had been such a bad rut gave me the most wonderful new outlook on life.

I hope you know that I understand your feelings completely.....I hope also that some of what I have said here will at least give you some hope that the mess we end up in can actually get cleaned up even by ourselves.....but it definitely is easier if you have help.

There is light at the end of the tunel & it isn't the headlight of the train......you can get there piece at a time & the awsome thing is that once you see a clearing, it gives more incentive to continue & make more of the house look better.....kind of a snow ball effect.

Hope this helps a bit.....you have my best wishes....if you ever feel like you would like to PM me & share any thoughts or need any massive dose of encouragement.....I will gladly be here.

Hugz,
Debbie