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#1
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I don't really know where to begin.
I was diagnosed with Double Depression about 8 years ago. I went through a variety of different Anti-Depressants over a 2-year period and nothing really helped - I was still trying to kill myself... At that time I also started psychotherapy. As of now I'm supposed to be fine: with the same meds for the past 5 years or so, with the same therapist (yeah, I know, it's a lot of therapy), and functioning, sort of. The irony here is that I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist, and I volunteer at a mental help hotline. Anyway, I find it amusing to the point of crying. But that's not the point. As I said, I'm considered to be well now, and I guess that's partially true. But I was wondering - is this all there is? Aren't life supposed to be about more than just routine? So I'm not suicidal now, and that's an improvement, but somehow that's just not enough. Do you think I should change my meds? (I don't really want to make an appointment with my psychiatrist just to ask that because it's really expansive) Do you think I'm asking for too much in wanting to enjoy life and not just not-suffer? Is it even possible…? Maybe I should state that I tried to stop taking the pills a few months ago. It turned out as a really bad idea; I was back to my old suicidal-depressed-crying-disgusting self in no time. Sorry for dumping everything like that without even a proper introduction. Oh, and sorry for my English, it's a second language; I'm from a country in the middle of nowhere... Thanks. |
#2
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Hello, yes I have heard that there is supposed to be more to life. I have been in therapy longer than you actually but I guess when you have been in therapy that long you kind of miss all the changes that you do make. The other thing I noted in your post is that you say you are studying to be a clinical psychologist, well that is some achievement surely? But, you know that's hard for anyone to do. I remember watching a lecture recently where the proff said that if you want to be a clinical psychologist you have to learn to bungie jump thirty times! I never did want to go bungie jumping but it sure is a difficult goal. I hope my post helps you in some way. Do something nice just for yourself. Self-care is real important. Take care. ![]()
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#3
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SomeGirl,
hello and welcome.... I think I know what you are talking about....I went through a Major Depression in h.s. and college, and went through all the suicide attempts, hospitalizations, different meds and therapy. Finally I was diagnosed with S.A.D. and found that light therapy helped a great deal. I went off my meds, stopped therapy and I guess was considered 'fine'. Even though I wasn't suicidal and totally depressed anymore, I still wasn't happy - I didn't like myself, I had no confidence, I didn't handle stress very well and I was sad most of the time...not depressed, but sad. I think I finally really noticed a difference in all of this when I started becoming more focused on being healthy - I began exercising regularly and eating well, and stopped drinking so much. It took many many years, but eventually I realized that I was enjoying life. I can't pinpoint when because it was so gradual...it seemed to just happen without me even noticing. I know everyone is different and has different experiences - but I just want to say hang in there. Try to stay positive and don't lose hope. Do the best you can to make positive changes in your life. You never know what is right around the corner, and I'm sure you're future is very bright even though you may not be able to see it yet. It sounds like you have come a long way, and you may still have a little longer to go, but I feel sure you will eventually find enjoyment out of your life, a little at a time, and it will be so gradual you won't even notice it's happening. best, ktgirl ![]() |
#4
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![]() Not sure whether to say " I understand because I'm in the same situation " or " I understand because I use to have those feelings that there should be something more " I admire you for volunteering at a mental help hotline. I know I would never be able to reach that level. The desire for something more out of life than "functioning" should not be ignored. Whether a change in meds would help is only something you and your pdoc can determine. If you can have a frank conversation with your current pdoc, great. If not then find another. The discussion is important. You deserve more the just "functioning" good luck
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#5
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Hi Somegirl, I have been working on my mental health for the last 20 years (small changes 10 years before that as a teenager). The first decade of this 20 I spent in therapy on and off with different therapists as issues came up. The last decade just working on myself by myself. I am a stay-at-home mom with an MSW.
We get to these places because our development isn't complete and maybe even a bit messed up because of the environment/support that we had while growing up. I think that you just haven't completed your healing/corrected your development yet. What issues have you worked on already? I worked on personal boundaries, self-worth, my feelings, empowerment/taking control of my life, meeting my needs, etc. To heal properly, I had to take each one of these issues and trace it back to see what happened and why it went wrong. If you don't trace it back, those messages in your head remain and changing the behavior is impossible. Twenty years might seem like a long time but I was so happy each time that I corrected something so my life improved with each step forward and I couldn't wait for the next issue to be solved so that I could move up to the next level.
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
#6
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#7
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Thanks for all the responses; you gave me a lot to think about...
In a way it sucks that other people can relate to what I feel, but I guess it's also nice to know I'm not alone. I suppose I have come a long way and I just lose sight of it. I'm actually far behind in my life compared to other people my age. It's like I'm two people existing simultaneously - the "normal" me, the one who studies and all that, and the depressed me, who's always there to spoil everything. Last time I was at my doctor's office he told me about all the latest breakthroughs in the field. He thought it was encouraging to say that maybe in 10-20 years they'll find a cure for depression. All I could think about was those numbers, 10-20 years, and wonder how anyone can dream so far into the future. Depression scares me to death. Usually you stop being afraid of something after you go through it and come out alive. In this case I just get more and more scared after each episode. I'm just rambling now. Sorry. |
#8
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SomeGirl said: I'm actually far behind in my life compared to other people my age. It's like I'm two people existing simultaneously - the "normal" me, the one who studies and all that, and the depressed me, who's always there to spoil everything. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> You can be at 2 different levels with your emotional and intellectual development. Intellectually you can be at your age level and emotionally you can still be a 5 year old. This is where I found myself before I started working on getting better. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> SomeGirl said: Last time I was at my doctor's office he told me about all the latest breakthroughs in the field. He thought it was encouraging to say that maybe in 10-20 years they'll find a cure for depression. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> There is a cure already. It's called psychotherapy and complete self-understanding and fixing what is dysfunctional.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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