Too much @#$% going on. Half the time I'm shaking too much to even type decently, at least I'm not this morning. I've been stuck in bed way too bloody long and the pain from my chest should have died down by now considering I hurt it over a week ago, but I've lost track of time.

Stupid infected #$%^ed up eye that I can't even bloody see out of right know. It scares me that I can't, I had perfect vision, now my eye is a bloody mess, it hurts and I can't see out of it at all. I need to, I can't not see out of my eye, that's screwed up.

And I cut my arm the other night and now it has a giant red patch and red streaks going up it to my hand. My neck and below my shoulders is all swollen now and it bloody hurts.

But I don't go to hospitals, I wait things out, but it all &^%*ing hurts bad and the memories that come back, the things I see, too much is bloody happening.

Sorry to whine. I'm just too tired of this %^$# and inside I'm broken beyond repair and I think I see that now, why bother trying to be strong or trying at all when all I do is waste people's time and drag them down. If you eliminate the person dragging everyone down anyways people should be happier.

[purplebutterfly]

(((((((Griffe)))))))
You are not a waste of anyone's time. We love you here at PC- please try to stay safe and take care of yourself, at least try to keep the eye cleaned so the infection doesn't get worse- i know you do not like hospitals but maybe a visit is needed in order for the eye to heal properly and restore your vision. safe hugs to you.

[Lenny]

I wish you would go to the walk in griffe...what you describe has aspects of blood poisoning and that can take the life out of you. A few antibiotics and your on your way...

Please think about it...seriously.

With care,

Lenny

[Justgiving]

Please go to the hospital.

[DOWNINNATICK]

Griffe;

You are not wasting anyone time, you are not a waste, but you need to go to the hospital, you may have a bad infection that can be serious.
I know hospitals suck, but you life is worth going there and being checked out. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, go to the hospital or see your doctors.

Keep posting we want to hear from you and let us know how you're doing.

Hugs.

[turquoisesea]

I hate hospitals too but it sounds like going could make the difference for you and solve some problems

*agrees with the other posts*

[Blue93]

yeah you just gotta go. your dad aint here. your kids and girlfriend are. do it for them if you dont want to do it for yourself.. please go.

[Clandestine]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Griffe said:
Sorry to whine. I'm just too tired of this %^$# and inside I'm broken beyond repair and I think I see that now, why bother trying to be strong or trying at all when all I do is waste people's time and drag them down.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> This isn't whining, this is letting it all out 'cause it helps to ease the pain in a way. And you aren't broken beyond repair! Don't think of it as that. People drag us down, but we should fight each day to stand up. We can't be losers. We lost before, we shouldn't now. Hope you're feeling better.

<font color="purple">Kim</font>

Sorry if this comes off as ticked off because I'm really not.

Thanks everyone, but really, I don't go to hospitals unless someone is dragging me against my will. I really can't stress that part enough. It may seem stupid of me not to but I have to wait things out and exhaust every possible option before I go to hospital, but I guess it's coming of as sitting in my own pity or something to stay at home at not go to hospital. Something simple like going to hospital is not simple for an idiot like me and at this point in time I need to stay home.

I should probably shut up about this here because I don't want to bother or trouble people with this and I think I am. Sorry everyone I'll shut up about that in Depression.

It's hard not to feel broken beyond repair. I look at myself and I look broken. Mentally, I feel broken. Everyone has a breaking point and I reached that a long time ago, I think. I'm broken and a broken thing is tossed aside and thrown out. To be honest, sending a broken thing to hospital anyways would be a waste- it'll never be fixed again.

Too tired of faking strength.

But thanks everyone.

[purplebutterfly]

((((((((((Griffe)))))))))))))

[Lenny]

I hate powerlessness griffe. The limits of language to express so many types of emotions are just one aspect of this reality.

There are no words to convince you that the fear you have is keeping you "broke", nor are there words to convey how profoundly sad that makes me.

Whatever has brought you to this choice is beyond me,,past my abilites to touch you through the bits and bytes of this machine...

I wish you could see my eyes,,,they would immediately express my love and concern for you..and then take my hand as we go together for the help you need.

You are a wonderfull part of this community..

I will pray that you remain with us..

Lenny

[nowheretorun]

i have the same thought as the others Griffe...... please go see the doctor... as you know, the choice is yours... surviving matters....

((((((((((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))))))))))))

Lenny and Blue and the others are so right .... please get this sorted out or you will feel worse physically. You are NOT wasting anyones time. We want you to be safe hon .... please go to the docs. Like Lenny sometimes it's so frustrating just having this machine to communicate thru.... eye contact so that you knew we were sincere right now would help ........

Love you, Jin xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Blue93]

i know you dont like the hospital but it sounds like the stress and anxiety is worth it this time
please try

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))))

[pachyderm]

> a broken thing is tossed aside and thrown out.

Psych Super Glue, anyone?

Thanks everyone.

Just gets too much.
I fail as a person, I'm just a waste of time.
I fail as a father, Vlad is gone and I should have been there.
I fail as a boyfriend, she's stuck taking care of me.
I fail as a friend, I drag everyone down.

I'm supposed to be strong. I'm not supposed to by lying in bed, drenched in sweat, heart racing and unable to take deep breaths, with a bloody eye and infected arm, all swollen, needing a wheelchair to get around, in so much pain. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm meant to be strong.

And I'm not, I'm this waste of time, this lost cause. I hate to whine, I hate to be a downer, but I'm not meant to go to hospital. Dead or not, voices and memories of the past aren't just pushed aside.

And now I'm whining again, sorry I'm just %!@* and I shouldn't be taking up space here either, it's rude of me. I should have faded away a long time ago. I'm meant to be strong, I'm not meant to be taken care of. I shouldn't even be lying in bed, complaining. I should be getting on with my life and waiting this out without whining. I was probably stupid enough to get my eye infected somehow in the first place, I was stupid enough to hurt my arm and get that infected, if it spreads it's my fault. If someone spills a glass of juice on their own, they clean it up on their own. I bet I made myself sick on my own, so I have to deal with it alone- without help.

Rambling now. Just scared, weak, feeling exposed and really sorry to be a whining idiot Gonna make everyone completely sick of me with this whining. Sorry.

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Griffe said:
I'm meant to be strong,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

How do you define strong?

Could it be...being able to admit weakness?

Could it be..allowing yourself to change?

Could it be,,finding reason when none are apparent?

Could it be,,,asking for help?

I think you are strong.

Lenny

Strong is everything I not. It's not needing help. It's not having everything wrong with me. It's not being so bloody bothered by my stupid past. It's not being so dumb. Not having all these emotions. Not being sad. Not crying. Not letting myself be beaten by something like this. Being strong is being someone. I'm nothing.

Feel like such $%^& and I want to talk but I'm scared at the same time. I deserve this anyways because I'm weak and bad and stupid and I'm hogging people's time. I deserve the pain I'm in. And it hurts so %#@&#! bad right now I feel like I could just die (can I say that?).

(((((((((((((((((Griffe)))))))))))))))))))))))000000

you have survived a horrible horrible time .... you must be strong to have endured it all and be here and have a wife and 2lovely kids ....... you ARE SOMEBODY, YOU ARE A FRIEND TO SO MANY, A PARTNER TO KATE, A DAD TO TWINS ....... it makes me sad when you say you're a nobody when you are a somebody ...... i love you, you always here to support and give your love to others.... sending hugs to you dear friend me xoxoxoxoxoxo

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))

You are a somebody,
love
furry paws

((((( Jinny, Fuzzy )))))

Sorry to keep replying to my thread and prolonging this whining Just got no where else to talk because I sure as hell am not going to drag Kate down with this and half my IRL friends hate me as is. I seem to %#@&#! people off left and right with no intention of doing so, that's one thing I'm good at, making people hate me

Can't even say ha;f of what I want to say because I'll get in trouble but life is just too &^%$ing much. I feel like so often I'm screaming and no one can hear me, no one is listening, or just no one wants to hear.

I should just get the hell over myself and stop being whiny. Thanks for saying I'm someone but how? Kate would be better off without me and I love our kids but they deserve a good father, not me. I failed Vlad anyways, he's gone, I deserve all the pain I'm getting right now.

I should log out and go crawl under my covers and just shut up. My eye hurts so %#@&#! bad my body hurts my arm feels like it's on fire. Go to hospital, everyone says it, but I can't, I have to be strong. I have to stay at home. I'm a great big mess, swollen and in such bad pain. Breathing is a chore I just need to talk and I need to be heard sometimes. Faking that I'm "fine" gets to %#@&#! tiring because I'm not fine. I want something but IDK what.

[kebsfroggy]

You are a very important part of our community. You don't have to be strong all by yourself. We are here to provide you with the understanding and support that will help to make you strong.



Believe me you don't want a frog of little brain for your nurse.

[pachyderm]

Like many of us, I think you have been temporarily brainwashed into accepting a bully's point of view that "strong" = bluster. It is not.