[Ltr2Hermione]

But I am TICKED OFF TO THE MAX!

I CAN'T TAKE THIS. Everytime I get an entire post typed out I manage to erase it by accident. Am I THAT challenged!!!!!!!

I tried to mow the grass, but the mower only runs it over instead of cutting it. It took me a good 30 minutes to figure out that I was wasting my freaking time out there.

Then, I rent a steamer.. clean the carpets... go BACK to rent the upholstery attachment for the sofas... BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW THE HELL TO ATTACH IT! So ... this is a 2mg xanax moment and even the freakin' pills aren't calming me down. I NEED A QUALUDE THE SIZE OF A HORSES ***!

Is this my life? I can't accomplish anything without a man? Isn't there a way to RENT an affordable man just to hook up this and that and show me how the hell to fix the rider mower so it actually cuts! I don't mean - make a phone call to a handy man and hope one shows up in a week.. I mean NOW! I'm wasting my day as usual.

I did go to the gym but I am so beside myself that I'm having such a hard time losing weight that 1/2 way through I said "screw it" and told my trainer to take the rest of the session off cause I was going home to sulk about it. I lost 100 lbs but can't lose another ounce. My diet is spot on... I exercise at least 2 hours a day... and instead of losing, I gained 10 lbs in 3 days. Sure call me a bullsh*tter..... doctors do.... nurses laugh at me and tell me my scale is wrong or I don't know how to read - but this is what's been happening to me. I start to see a light at the end of the tunnel.. then WHAM.. 10 lbs on. I'm just so frustrated.

Instead of sulking, I made a plan to accomplish OTHER things... which as you now know, never came to fruition.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS! HELPLESS, USELESS, WORTHLESS and unable to accomplish even the most simple tasks.

I wish I was born a mentally stable man. Of course I'd end up being homosexual, but tools wouldn't be a foreign object.

I'm just so tired of being alone all the time.

Rant over......
Forgive me for going off the deep end....... I just can't take it anymore and I was hoping it would make me feel better to ****** about it.

Boy.. T isn't going to like me tomorrow.. if I even decide to go. He probably dreads my visits.

L

[pegasus]

Mmm.. it's ok, T's love it when we feel like that!

I have difficulty changing a light bulb.

Hope your day improves.

(((((((((((( Ltr2Hermione )))))))))))))

[Sannah]

Ltr, you did all of that today! Wow, you are efficient! I remember getting ticked off if my schedule was slowed down. Now I just go with the flow, tell myself to calm down and be patient and that it is okay if getting something done has to wait a bit. Your expectations really determine how upset you get about this kind of stuff. It certainly is a learned behavior for many people.

Good work losing 100 pounds! I am also trying to trim off some weight. I have frequently lost 10 pounds only to gain it back again so now I am approaching it as I am going to change my eating habits now and keep these eating habits for the rest of my life. I frequently lost the weight and then went back to my old eating habits - duh! Changing my eating habits now and telling myself that I must maintain them for the rest of my life takes the "hurry up weight - come off" business. Many people have hit these plateaus that you have hit. They are frustrating.

[Justgiving]

Wow! I think you are a fantastic lady. Mow the grass, clean the carpets, rent the upholstery attachment for the sofas, get an entire post typed and then typed another one, went to the gym, watch what you are eating. Geez, you surely are doing a lot. Don't discourage yourself sweetie. You try and try and this is simply wonderful.

(((((((((((((((((Ltr2Hermione))))))))))))

Ltr2Hermione
You did do alot today.

I once mowed the lawn along time back with the wheel things to high up. Kept thinking it does not look like its been mowed. Well it really wasn't I sorta just went over top of it.
My son came out lower the wheels and had to remow.

No one yell ok? But there is a difference between males and females. Guys are better at some things than girls...and some things girls can do better than guys. It equals out.

I can never open jars.. my son has too.
Once before my store closed , I blew a fuse in the store. I never knew there were ones that screwed into the fuse box? It had come unscrewed. Not thinking I went to screw it back in with wet hands, I was ok . but not a good idea I found out after.
Any ways you can learn to do things. Yes its fustrating I know........
It sounds like you did a ok job....
Theres a whole lot i can not do........

muffy

[JimWriter]

Please don't take this wrong way, I have to admit that I got a little chuckle after reading your post, especially the about the tranquilizer the size of horse's ***!
I think you accomplished a great deal today. I think you, like most of us, take on a little bit too much stress, so my advice to you is to just relax as best as you can. And see your therapist too.

[Ltr2Hermione]

I told T that once.. that I needed a qualude the size of a horse's ***. He then proceeded to tell me what a qualude is. Um.. EXCUSE me.... I grew up in the 70's when we believed in better iiving through chemistry. I know FULL well what a qualude is and I WANT A BIG ONE!

It wasn't taking on too much at all..... these are normal activities for someone who can get the mower to work, the steam cleaner to work, and who's not overworking at the gym.

I think that's what's driving my depression the most. It's the fact that no matter what I do I can't dump this weight. Yesterday I resorted to an old behavior (which has my throat sore today). Not that it does my body any good at all, but I feel better after I expel everything I ate. All I know is that this coffee is GRAND this morning.. nice and hot on my throat.

I DID finally get the rugs steamed and all of the upholstery cleaned, and about 2 acres mowed, but by the time all was said and done, Home Depot was closed and I couldn't get paintl All of my window treatments are washed and in the closet, ready to be put back up after I figure out what I want to do with the walls. They don't need it, but I need it.

I gotta take the ex hub to drop his car off at the mechanic, go to see T... then I'm gonna work my *** off at the gym! I HAVE to.. it makes sense.. calories in/calories out but even my trainer is telling me I'm overworking.

I have an addictive personality... doesn't take much for me to form an addiction so I guess exercise is better than drugs, yanno?

You wanna laugh.... how about THIS. I had a dream.. yanno.. one of "those" dreams. In the dream was my own doctor (pcp.. not T) and Hugh Laurie. Sounds like it was a wild one.. doesn't it? And it WAS.. except I WAS THE EXTREMELY LARGE BARTENDER in the dream... Now that's bad..... not even in my own dreams can I um.... yanno. Talk about depressing.... it doesn't even leave me alone when I'm sleeping.

L

[Sannah]

Your trainer is telling you that you are overworking.... Maybe your body is holding onto weight because there aren't enough calories to go around for all of your activity?

I still cannot believe what you have accomplished. Do you want to come over to my 3,600 sq. ft. house and help me?

[Hcab_Tep]

The therapist's job if he/she is competent and professional, is to help you, non-judgmentally, and if he/she ever shows disappointment or anger or anything like that, it is time to find a better, more supportive therapist. Any therapist that dreads a visit from his/her client, even a sociopathic one (like Tony Soprano) is unprofessional and not the one for you. Just my opinion...and I am here if you need to talk...

Peter

[Ltr2Hermione]

Thank you..

My comment regarding my therapist "dreading" my visit is more of the perception I have of myself. In no way has he led me to believe that he dreads our appointments, although yesterday he told me that he was "afraid" of me the first few sessions. He was afraid he'd anger me and he basically said he was walking on eggshells when he spoke.

I didn't know I was THAT scary!

L

[Ltr2Hermione]

Sannah... I know the frustrations when it comes to weight loss attempts.

I'm so close to where I need to be that I can almost taste it............ yet so far away and the sad thing is that for years I've been defining myself by my size. I see nothing else.. no personality.. no talents.. just size and it drives me mad... and it brings me WAaaayyyy down low.

Ok.. so someone might say "if you don't like your size then do something about it". Um...... I've done a bunch in less than a year but I can't get past this point and it's not good enough.

I just feel like I need to be the right size to have one last shot at having a life.

I'm the last person qualified to give any advice, but I will say to you.. don't GIVE UP. Even if it's just a few pounds that you want to lose, that few pounds will make a difference in your health (emotional and physical) and your energy level. I think I do this just to try to make my mind feel better and my health improving is just a perk.. yanno?

[altonwoodsdrphil]

ummm, for what it's worth,I'm kind of a "nuts and bolts" person, and I KNOW I could walk you through the lawnmower problem! I also feel confident that between us we could figure out a shampooer...I mean,why not? let me know if I can help at all by pm! I don't get nearly enough opportunities to play my "guy cards" I do understand your frustration!

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Ltr2Hermione said:
for years I've been defining myself by my size. I see nothing else.. no personality.. no talents.. just size and it drives me mad... and it brings me WAaaayyyy down low.

Ok.. so someone might say "if you don't like your size then do something about it".

I just feel like I need to be the right size to have one last shot at having a life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Do you think that it is healthy to put so much importance on your size?

[Ltr2Hermione]

Probably not.... but knowing this doesn't change the way I feel. Forgive me in advance if I'm saying the wrong thing.... I'm just saying what I feel.

[Ltr2Hermione]

hahhaha.. where were you when the tiller crapped out on me!

[Soveh]

I spent years worrying about my size...first I was too skinny(5'8" and 121 lbs) so I put weight on(5'8" and 260 lbs) one extreme to the other, and it did nothing for my mental health....then my husband came along and WOW, actually loved me for the way I was(still the same 260lbs!) though it took him almost 6 years to convince me of that, and for him to teach me how to love myself. since I stopped worrying about my weight, the fringe benefit was eating healthier and I am now down to AND maintaining 200lbs...though I would like to be around 175lbs...that's just vanity though, If I get there, I get there. My mother in law has a really good saying....

"Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's ALL small stuff"

[altonwoodsdrphil]

I also do small engine repair...their pretty simple.

[Ltr2Hermione]

That's a beautiful story actually....

175 lbs is a normal weight for me (former gymnast and body builder) so that weight puts me at about a size 9. I'd be thrilled with that.... but these last 30 lbs or so are frustrating me.

I know how people look at big people. I spent a long time being "looked" at... and sometimes got the comments, or overheard people say nasty things and I just think that if I can look normal that this will be one less thing to deal with.

I don't want to be me anymore.... rational or irrational.. it doesn't matter.. it's the way I feel.

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Ltr2Hermione said:
Probably not.... but knowing this doesn't change the way I feel. Forgive me in advance if I'm saying the wrong thing.... I'm just saying what I feel.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

What will change the way you feel is changing the way that you think. Nothing that you are saying is wrong exactly because it is the way that you feel.