[silver_queen]

Recently... the way I view my relationships with people has changed. i think its because of the depression. i tend to be either very clingy towards people, or tell myself they dont care about me. One example is this: I was talking to somebody online and she asked me whether I would be able to tell my aunt about how I was feelng. Until then, I had convinced myself that my aunt didnt care about me and wouldnt miss me if I died. But when I was asked about her, I remembered that a few weeks back she was worrying about me being away at university and wanted to know I was looking after myself properly. so that means she does care about me. im just confusing myself, im finding it hard to believe she loves me.

The same applies to my friend. My last depressive episode, I tried to break up our relationship, under the impression that if we had split up, she wouldnt be hurt so much when I died (skewed logic eh?) but she stuck through me whilst i was in hospital. but once again i cant believe she is my friend and once again i am doubting her love and friendship. she never contacts me after all, and when i get her to, it's just a short email or a text message. so i cant see why i am bothering with her.

but on the other hand i get clingy with people as well, especially now with my dad, and also with some people online. I want to feel loved and understood, but i dont. i feel like there is a distance between me and other people, a kind of glass window I suppose. but all the same being clingy also opens me up to feeling hurt by what people say, even if it is unintentional. sometimes i even feel hurt by kind things. i also feel vulnerable when im in classes at college as well, im afraid somebody like a lecturer or whatever will say something to me that will hurt. in fact, i just realized. im leaving myself vulnerable here as well.

well ok i will leave this post. after disputing with myself for five minutes whether or not i should post it. yes. anyway maybe i can get some different perspectives maybe

[Kayleigh]

I know what you mean. I don't feel like I'm really that close to anyone, and I'm telling you I'm not! I guess I have my b/f.... He's pretty close to me, but other than that, it's like I'm all alone. I cling to my b/f entirely too much, and push everyone else away. I don't think anyone but my b/f even knows how sad I get... I called my mom up from campud crying after I flunked my math exam, but outside of that... I've given her no reason to think that there is anything wrong in my life. I feel like a liar, but my mom worries too much and maybe it's best that she doesn't know. She's under a lot of stress right now, what with going through a divorce and all. I expect too much from my b/f. Like he has to be my one man support system. I'm sometimes scared to death that he's going to leave me, and then I feel guilty for thinking that, because I know he hates it when I worry about that. I just wanna be all better! I want to have some friends, but I never make them easily, and college has been really rough. I haven't even made friends with my roommates. I don't know how to make friends. I guess it's better, though, that way I don't have to bring other people down to my level. Sorry I totally strayed from the topic at hand and went into some lame sob story. Sorry.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{silver}}}}}}}}}}

I can understand. It's the same way with me. I hang on to them, yet at the same time I do things that I know will push them away from me. Messed up thinking, huh?

It's the fear of being ourselves, of showing our pain and needs to others. It terrifies me no end. No matter what people do, I constantly doubt them and just wait for them to mess up (or so I think they will).

I just sent my pdoc a letter, after promising him basically that I would leave him alone.............[sigh]. Now I have to worry about that.

I'm glad that you were open and honest here.

[Wants2Fly]

Silver Queen, I have felt exactly the same way.

When I drove away from Florida to Orleans in May, I felt as if no one in the whole word really cared about me.

People kept telling me not to move away, that I needed support and sameness. I could 'hear' that message, but it meant nothing to me. It was just hollow words to me.

When I decided to come back to S. Florida, people I had known and people I knew barely have agreed to put me up. A former graduate student has tossed a job my way. I was greeted with such warmth. Suddenly, it seems as if love is pouring into my life.

How could I have missed this?

I was severely and dangerously depressed.

Thanks to the messages on the forums, I got:

1. Medication

2. Counseling

Prayer and the support of a religious community has also been important.

Bottom line: This kind of feeling seems to be one of the distorted ways of thinking that depression brings.

[silver_queen]

Kay, I'm very similar to that. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

[silver_queen]

Thanks for replying, Lady. I came so close to not posting this thread when I realized how vulnerable it would make me. im still not sure whether or not i ought to just delete it. i could say more but that would leave me more vulnerable still. I get the idea of how you're feeling after you wrote that letter to your pdoc.

[silver_queen]

W2, I'm just so like that with wanting people close. I havent got to the same stage as my last depressive episode though yet thankfully. Last time I was telling my best friend that we were through, that we should break up. I was trying to test her, to see if she would respond to me. Unfortunately she didnt

This time though, i really dont think she cares about me, even though she says she does.

I suppose it is from the depression. I'm already seeing a counsellor, but i really dont want to take meds unless i have no other choice.

thanks for replying.

[(JD)]

It's always good for us here to be reminded -or told- of something another member is struggling with... and I think you're right about the depression helping us to push ppl away... maybe it so WE don't have to worry about hurting them (they don't care anyway logic) when we *leave.*

That you are able to realize it happens with your depressive episodes, try to also remember this and not make any final decisions during that time... gee if were really so 'easy.'

[Wants2Fly]

I argued with everyone, it seems, as I went thru my depression. It took a strong, loving person to stick with me. Some of the breaks may be irreparable -- but perhaps all for the best. I can't pussyfoot around others when I am in that state.

[silver_queen]

Wow sky - reading your post freaked me out somewhat.

You're not a mindreader are you?

[wisewoman]

Silver, I am here and I care soooo much. You are a wonderful person and a gift to my life.