Friend Committed Suicide

Bear with me, I am new to this site. I suffer from major depression and am on meds, prozac and klonopin. I had a co-worker and close friend that suffered from the same type of depression. I've known her for 13 years. We talked alot about depression and suicide. The last time I talked to her she was really upset and stressed out. She left work early and 4 hours later she shot herself in the head. She always said she had a gun and knew how to shoot herself to make sure it killed her, but always said she wouldn't do that because of her family. But she did. She use to joke about it alot and so did I. I knew she wanted to do it, but really didn't think she would. She was 54, I'm 52. The week before she was so worried about me that she called me at home and told me that we didn't have to let this depression kill us. She said, "We are depressed, not crazy". She had a wonderful sense of humor and was the most caring and giving person that I have ever known. Most people at work didn't know of her struggle with depression. She was good at wearing masks. It's been a month since she died and it's not getting any easier to cope with. She kept me going and I am lost without her. Of course, I have gone through all the usual things in my mind of "what could I have said or done to have prevented her from doing this". I was the last person to talk to her before she left work that day and I think now, "why didn't I stop her from leaving"... I've talked with her parents a couple of times. They had no clue she even suffered from depression and they are asking a lot of questions. I knew all about it and I still have a lot of questions. Has anyone dealt with this or has any advice on how to cope with it. Being depressed myself has made it even harder to deal with. She was the only person, I felt I could talk to about it and I knew she wouldn't look at me like I was crazy. Thanks for listening.......

(((((((((((((((((((Jan))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've never had anyone close to me commit suicide so I guess I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to let you know I read your post and I hear your pain.

Being that you suffer from depression yourself, do you already see a therapist that could help you cope with this tragedy? Sometimes it is helpful to talk and get all the bad feelings out until they start to lessen in intensity.

hang in there,

ktgirl

((((jan)))) I am sorry for the loss of your friend, I've never experienced having a loved one take their own life but I have lost a friend and can accept how hard this will be for you.
I just want you to know that there will always be listening ears here if you need to talk about anything,
take care,
Molly

Thank you for your kind words. I know there's really not anything anyone can do. It's just so hard to lose someone so special. Everyday, I hear her voice and her laughter. Her office is across the hall from mine, now so dark and empty. A constant reminder of what I've lost. But I try to think about all the fun times we had and I do have another friend at work that knew her the same why I did and we talk alot and cry together and laugh together and that does help. Again, I appreciate all of you kind words. Jan

Thank you for your reply. I know that we all have experienced loss in our lives and it is never easy. It's just so hard to let her go, even though I know it's what she wanted. She would say, "don't think of it as me being dead, think of it as me being in heaven singing with the angels". She was a person with a lot of faith, but even with that, the struggles she went through overwelmed her in the end. Her husband told me that he had stopped her 4 times in the past three years. This time she was alone and there was no one there to stop her. Thank you again for taking the time to reply. It means alot... jan