please take a look

I know I posted this in the new member fourm, but I would really like some in depth analysis or advice. I'm really open for anything right about now. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read all of this. Hi. I'm a 20 year old male college student and I think I suffer from depression. I had a homosexual interaction when I was about 5 where I was taken advantage of and I feel like it shaped the way I am. I have no self esteem, I feel very self consious, am afraid of change, and I think I like feeling this way. For example, I don't wear new styles of clothes because I am so afraid of what others might think of them on me. I don't go to others to help solve my problems I just bury them deep inside.

The funny thing is, if you met me you would never guess I am this way. I can hide the my feelings and thoughts very well. I love when the night rolls around because that's when all of my sadness really hits me hard. It's been getting worse too. This summer there were two nights where I was so distraught I thought briefly of suicide. That is very unlike me. I feel very hopeless. I'm too self consious to pursue the girl I like because I'm afraid of her judging my body. I never let anyone close to me, physically or emotionally, but I love to help others with their problems. I just turned 20 and instead of feeling happy, I felt like I had done nothing in my life, like it means nothing. Its not like I don't have friends, I have plenty and I know I am a very nice guy, but I feel like that doesn't matter. That I'm still worthless. I can honestly say I hate myself and wish I was someone else. I went to a councilor once but stopped after two sittings because I couldn't stand the "aww" "boo hoo" way she was treating me. It made me feel very uncomfortable.
I guess that's all I can think of. Can anyone help me figure out what to do next?

Dan, a person really needs therapy if they were sexually abused. Can you try to find a therapist again who is a good fit for you? When a person is mistreated (sexual abuse is basically a perpetrator only being concerned with his own needs and not caring one bit about the needs of his victim) they get low self-esteem because the thinking is that only a worthless person would get treated this way. Actually, these perpetrators don't think for one minute about the worth of their victims they are only trying to find an available target. Being afraid of change can result from growing up not feeling safe. Sounds like you have learned to just bottle up your feelings. This is the recipe for depression. In therapy you can deal with your low self-worth, learn to deal with your feelings, and learn to feel secure and let go of the past. I'll bet you could also learn about personal boundaries too. Good luck and welcome to this site!

(((Dan))) Welcome to PC. Some of the things you've said I can identify with to a degree. However, I think the most important thing is to try to find a new therapist. You don't have to settle with one or give up after one. There are ones out there that specialize in adults dealing with childhood sexual abuse--and it sounds like that's probably where all of your issues stem from. Good luck and keep posting. You'll find awesome people here!

I don't like the boo hoo hoo approach either. I've had one T act as if I was the saddest case that walked into her office while we were going over family history. It gave me the sense that she didn't have enough experience, in reality, she probably thought it would make me feel better. You need understanding & empathy not pity. Someone who sees you in a good light and has a vision for you, not just focusing on the problems but finding solutions also. Someone you feel comfortable with.

As far as saying you had a homosexual experience, I don't know if I would call it that. I understand what you are saying, but have you tried looking at it a different way? I think someone else had a homosexual experience with you, to your dismay. You didn't consent to it, you couldn't even know what you were consenting to if you tried. I'm sorry someone took advantage of you. I don't care if they were 5 or 55. When we are taken advantage of, it's not the same thing in my book. Now whatever you choose in your adult life, is up to you. Taking back your power and reclaiming your history to reflect who you are is important.

I had an ex boyfriend who experienced the same type of thing, I never thought he had a homosexual experience as much as I just thought some other guy was a jerk to him. I was glad my boyfriend could relate to my feelings more, he was much more sensitive to me and I loved him for that.

Couldn't agree with this more J......

You might try a male therapist, or one who is specially trained in childhood sexual abuse.

When you are searching for a new therapist, it is okay to ask them their qualifications. It is an important service that they need to provide for you, and not all therapists, or therapies, are appropriate for specific issues.

Be discriminating in your situation. You can tell alot from a free consultation or meeting before you commit.

Don't be afraid. I feel once we get some perspective, things begin to settle down and we gain needed personal growth.

Don't give up. Just go shopping! (for an new T, that is, lol)

Take care of yourself meantime and keep posting!
That always helps us to lock into our own words, coming from our own minds ... we can see alot from our writing things out.

Peace and Love,
nightbird

thanks to anyone who took the time to read this and write a response. J I agree with you about moving past the past and lookin toward the future. I felt like all the councelor wanted to do was go back and talk about my past. I felt so uncomfortable it was rediculous. The problem is the councelor was through my college and I can't afford to pay for counceling. It stinks but I guess my only option is through the school.

Also J I also dated a girl that was molested when she was younger. She was my first love and first (if you know what I mean). She was the first girl I completely opened up to both physically and emotionally. Then one day she left without any warning. I think that's also part of why I let no one in anymore, because I opened myself up and it hurt so much more after...

I felt so uncomfortable it was rediculous. The problem is the councelor was through my college and I can't afford to pay for counceling. It stinks but I guess my only option is through the school. I'm having troubles again making quotes, and posting says my message is under 10 characters, so hope this works! I understand, I think of it like massage, if you have a good massage therapist they know how to relax you so tensions come up and feel really good to let go of. Some massage therapists want to dig right in and I just feel like squeezing my shoulders together to stop the poking. You might want to mention that analogy next time you have a therapist who is making you uncomfortable. I am also having my own issues with therapy, I got what I could out of it, but found that I needed other things to supplement like self-help books and just going on a journey into all the information on the internet, and bookstores that I could find was really productive.

Also J I also dated a girl that was molested when she was younger. She was my first love and first (if you know what I mean). She was the first girl I completely opened up to both physically and emotionally. Then one day she left without any warning. I think that's also part of why I let no one in anymore, because I opened myself up and it hurt so much more after...[/QUOTE]I'm sorry, that has happened to you. It's probably her own fear of being intimate with anyone who is opening up to her. I've been recommending a book to everyone lately that is the most comprehensive book/workbook on abandonment I've ever heard of. Susan Anderson teaches therapists also about abandonment from her own experience. It's called The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection. It's almost $40 but worth it. Not to dig up the past again, but this book will help because being taken advantage of in any way is abandonment. Someone who sticks around and hurts you, has abandoned your feelings, that's one reason why many people stay in abusive relationships. I hope you really come through this, you sound so intelligent and aware of what is going on. I'm amazed at your clarity with all this.

^^ Thank you Jacqueline for the compliments and all of your insight! It feels good to be able to talk about it like this. The wonders of the internet! If I wasn't a broke college student I would order that book. I'll head to our library and have them order it. Even beyond my personal problems, it sounds interesting.