[Steppalee]

I have slipped back into the depths of depression.
Into the firery pit of hell.
I can't get out of bed.
My thoughts are racing and I can't think clearly.
Fleeting thoughts of giving up, taking my life,
that im ugly and worthless,
are rearing their ugly heads in my tormented mind.
Im not opening my mind, spending hours in bed alone in darkness.
Hiding away from the world, the truth and what is real.
Im ashamed of my addictions, but im popping sedatives,
So as not to feel, to sleep all day and night,
and block out the hell inside my head.
I am low and sad and miserable.
My life is a joke, and no ones laughing.
I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
But im scared. Im scared of dying...
Im scared of my thoughts...im scared of my illness.
Am i really suicidal...do i really want to die??
Am I rational or sick?
Is is depression or truth? sickness of health??
Is my mind playing games?...teasing me with death...
Is depression seducing me into its arms of hell..?
It frightens me...
I want to live...
I want to be happy...
I want to be free...
I want to die...
Id never take my life...if well...
am I sick sick sick....
I want to abandon all my strategies for wellness,
and just hide inside my room and cry.
Its taking all my strength to open my eyes...
I want to escape my mind for a while...
I want to shoot love up my veins...
But I can't...Im clean...
Im hurting, open and exposed,
I want to self medicate...
Why can't you all just abandon me??
So im no longer selfish...
Abandon me like I know you will...
Leave me stranded, the feeling i know to well.
Im jelous people leave my rotting soul...
Im jelous their is no man to love and cherish me...
Im jelous im lonely and sad...
I crave being loved...
Im too nice...ever heard of that...
dumped for being overly nice and caring...
what a &^%$%^& irony that is...
Im angry.
Im sad..
Im lonely.
I would have changed...
But NO...im not good enough....
I need to get well,,
But dying seems easier...

Why the FFFFF am i thinking like this...
I know me...
where am i...
lost withing myself...
my sould...struggling to keep afloat...
the rotting river of hell my mind has become..

I have dreams...
depression is robbing my precious mind..of all my hopes..

I want help
im sick

Im a girl...desperate for help...desparate to be happy...desparate to live...
a girl..who won't give up...

[Christina86]

Never ever EVER give up.

((((((((Steppalee)))))))))))))

I related to a lot of what you've written here. I know what a struggle it can be sometimes, to not be sure where you stand emotionally - not wanting to live, not wanting to die - just wanting to hide in bed and just deny the feelings and ignore them, somehow, any way possible.

But there is hope, many people have been there and many people here can help and listen and support you in helping you find a foothold on life and any problems you might be facing currently.

Do you have anyone at all to talk to IRL (in real life)? I know you want help, but have you found any yet?

Here for you.

[Steppalee]

I used to have support but not anymore....
i made a promise to myself never to speak of such things..
too many friends lost...
the ones i have now...too dear to lose...
i wont take that risk...
i wont risk what i have..
or else i will have nothing...
and then i really wont have a reason to live..

i stand tall...
alone..

just........

[nowheretorun]

hi stepp i like that you are someone who wont give up

depression does try to take every joy there is away from us... it some ways it seems to succeed... but we who never give up know that its only a matter of time... life is learning, we all can grow... very very few are incapable... pain motivates as much as fear... we can help each other (those who are able) to rise above woes... woe is n o stranger to humans... many years of practice has taught the human spirit the ways to survive and proceed... despair haunts many at some points but is only successful in claiming a few (rest thir souls)... never give up....

[pegasus]

I am glad you were able to write out your feelings here. I can see that you have been through a lot - a survivor. Mental health can go up and down and things can change. I can see you are a fighter, don't give up! Do you have a therapist to share with? We are here also, listening and understanding.

Hang in there ((((((((((( Steppalee ))))))))))))

[Steppalee]

i do have a therapist.
i have had one session with her...
it started well so i am hopeful..

but she is not my friend..

and oh how i long to tell a friend my worries.
for someone who loves me to listen and care....
in the way a friend cares....

because it's different to a therapist...

sometimes i talk to a therapist and i feel so alone...
so alone that i have to pay to talk to someone...
about all my deepest darkest secrests.

for if i tell a friend...i risk them...
becuase no one wants to hear about depression and child abuse for very long....no one can understand that you don't really every get over it..that it will always be there....

why do people just want me to be fixed...

i feel so alone...alone in how i feel...

i don't know if i should tell my friends im struggling???
coz they think im doing so well...
i don't want to dissapoint them...
i don't want them to worry..

i love to see them smile when they think im happy...

it helps..

[nowheretorun]

these are natural concerns to someone who cares for others... we care so much we dont wish to bring our friends or others down in any way... i agree with you that we need their laughter and kindness both... i spose if i think about the ideal friendships, if they can occur, one endlessly supports the other thru all things, great and small, around every curve and thru all emotions for whatever time is required... that is the definition of enduring friendship to me and the thing we all strive towards in our own ways... we'd like those ties together to be kind and warm memories, not those of despairing times when we felt we were unburdening on them.. on the converse side we hope they will not overburden us....

fr me, this is where a kind consideration occurs between friends... one will always promise undying faith to the other but may want to maintain a healthy balance for all... i spose thats where the idea of doc's and pro's came from... to relieve that wieght from the untrained and deliver it to the trained... in order to fix things...

its become huge and complicated now... friends have an emotional power advantage over the pro's but even friends have limits.... i believe a healthy mix is best i spose, but ideally, friendship support is my preference as well.. that puts the burden on me to do my stuff and lets my friends enjoy life as they desire... i think good friends always care but recognize their limits and instead of allowing a friend to drain their life, instead teach the friend ways to stand alone... self sustainment is an excellent anchor to a constructive friendship... care and share is another essential part imo... best of hopes for you on finding a workable middle ground for yourself...

[Steppalee]

NO NEED TO READ>>>JUST VERBAL DIAHROEA REALLY>>>UNINTERESTING TO ANYONE I"D GUESS>>>IT JUST KEPT FLOWING OUT OF ME AND I JUST KEPT TYPING UNTIL IT STOPPPED>>>>SORRY>..boring i know..

The therapist is working out better than i thought...and it is helping to talk. I understand why i need a therapist for these kinds of issues as it is not my endevour to burden my friends.

I am one of these friends that when i make a really really good friend...i love them..not in a sexual sense...but more like family...i love them so much and i would do anything in this world for them. I seek closeness and deepness in friendship and also someone interested in the good the bad and the ugly. who is always there for you. who will be honest with you. who will tell you when you are amazing but also tell you when you are getting to intense or crowding or suffocating etc....and i value someone all the more if they talk to me about these parts of friendship which is left at the back of the mind and only rear their ugly heads in times of stress and distress....and thus potentially ruin a friendship.

one of my mistakes in life is to think that if someone loves me...and they are my friend and i just adore them. i make the mistake that they love me as much as i love them. And unfortunately for me i have found that i love more than most love me back...and it has been cutting to realize...to realise that i really am a burden...and not worth the effort for all my problems...

I need people to tell me things...because i was never taught these things as a child...its not an excuse its really just how it is....i was left abandoned emotionally at times and my social skills suffered....especially from ch abuse..sometimes i just can't see what i have done wrong because im blinded by how much i care...and i think how could they hurt me when i love them and would do anything for them...

i was recently dumped by a friend who i believed really valued my friendship. he meant the world to me in so many ways. I cared about him so much that i would have done anything for him. And becasue i loved this person as my friend so much i stupidly thought it was reciprocated. but as usual i am not loved as much as i love. I would have listened to any problems this guy had and did...so i thought i could lean on him and tell him mine....and it was unfortunate that at the time i didn't have many other people to speak with or who cared about me. and when someone cares about me i cling to them...because it is so rare for someone to really like me....and i cling so hard that i suffocate them until they despise me. And at the time i don't realise it. but they do and they are stewing over it and hating me more and more each day...whereas i have no idea...partly becaseu i am depressed and my judgement is so impaired...

i had and still have my best friend...who i also clung to for dear life. but he told me. he told me what i was doing and how if affected him. and yes i cried my heart out....and i felt so awful and thought he would too leave me...but he didn't because he still wanted my friendship but we worked on our friendship and he helped me find ways to change and our friendship is the most beautiful i have ever had. and im not scared of him running. but it seems that i need to go through this all the time...

back to the friend who left me......I got so so depressed and things got worse...and as i needed him more and more...he hated me more and more...but he said nothing....and when he dumped me it hit me like a brick in the face. i didn't understand. and it hurt so much. i cried for weeks. i felt like my whole world had crashed. becasue i cared so so much about him and loved every minute i had...and to think he could just walk away so easily broke my heart.

but i understand why he left. and that makes it all the worse. becasue i have to take some ownership of that. and in a way i deserve it..becasue im not smart enough to have learnt from all the other friends that end up like this in this vicious cycle.

i just wish that i had been given just one chance....one chance to really know what i did wrong...one chance to change to how he wanted me to be...because i didn't understand...at the time. but i gues that is why i desrved it..because im just not worth it....he has plenty other friends worth it...and now i think i understnad why he didn't need to botherwith someone with problems that burden...i dont understand at the time tho becaseu i crave close friendships...right now i only have one really close friend..not like this guy who has a few i think...so its my loss....i lost a friend...but he just lost a painful burden...

i wished he had talked to me. i wished he hadn't been so harsh because it really hurt me and my depression suffered. i couldn't understnad why someone would dump me when i was so sick...because i didn't mean or could help how i was or behaved.

Even though he hurt me so much and does not like me or think i am worth even working on our friendship...or worth speaking to.....our friendship ended with me being hated...but me still loving....and that hasnt changed....i will not change how i feel...to hate him..because it is pointless...and all i could hate for was the nastiness after our friendship. so i will hold dear to me what i had...and hope that i meant something...for just a little while....that i was a good friend...for just a little while...that i helped...for just a little while...that i cared...for just a little while...that i hugged...loved....cherished for just a little while...and i know he liked me at one point...because i FELT it...and i feel so deeply....i felt his friendship just as deeply as i felt his hatred...

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG>>>but my mind just kept going..

[nowheretorun]

try to remember the love you felt then... that love is still present, before the 'poisoning' of it in your mind.... that love lives and can be shared with those who can give you that love in return.. those people exist on this planet.. it seems very hard to find... dont give up... what you desire is obtainable... a true love exists within oneself first and is then shared with others.. true love leaves no damage.. the memory of this love that you shared is still alive in you... it is looking for a home.. it will not stop speaking to you until you have fed this need... all needs are satisfiable... work at your understanding of matters... if its true love you want, its true love you must create... love to you always...