[silver_moon]

I don't know what to do

I've lost my boyfriend, I've lost my family... I'm alone.
I don't know what to do... I made the mistake of saying what I felt about my dad to my mum... I said that I thought what he was doing is emotional abuse. I knew I shoukd't have, I knew I shouldn't my mum pracically said that I brought it on nyself and if I hated him so much I should be glad she's taking him away for a 'little holiday' the weekend after next.

So now I've not only lost my boyfriend, but my mam too (the two peopple left that I had in my life that loved me even just a tiny bit)

I don't know what to do! What have I done to deserve this, to feel this way, to be unloved and unwanted. I really don't want to be alive anymore, I can't cope (I don't think I'll ever k**l myself, I haven't the stomach, nomatter how awful I feel.)
Right now I can hear my dad yelling downstairs so it won't be long till someone has a go at me for crying and being hurt... I haven't even done anything wrong...
maybe I have... maybe me being alive is enough for me to be like this!

[reddevil]

((((((((((((((((((superman)))))))))))))))))

You still have us, and you still have you.

You don't deserve it, no one ever ever deserves that pain.

I'll listen to you as much as you need I promise.

I can't say that this experience will be ok, and I know how empty saying 'you'll be ok' sounds. But we'll all be here for during this, and it will hurt, but you have the strength to get through it.

[cantstopcrying]

((((((((((((((((molly)))))))))))))) You're very brave. It's very possible that once your mom has time to reflect on what you said, she will come to understand how you feel. She also may already agree with you, but feel honor-bound to defend him--that happens a lot, especially in emotionally abusive relationships. You are not alone, even though it really feels like it. Set your sights on when he goes on holiday and start really formulating what you need to do to make it through day to day and also in the long run, to remove yourself from the situation. You have us all here, hon. You really do. Anytime. Remember how strong you are and how special.

[silver_moon]

He's abusive to her and she never sees it. A few times when she's got really upset though, she's mentioned trying to get away, but she can't afford to live anywhere else. She's also said that if she didn't have us 'my brothers and I' she probably would't be with him anymore.
I just feel like I have no escape... coming on to pc is my only escape now and even that's being taken away. My dad keeps cutting the internet to punish my older brother.

And it's not really a holiday... in two weeks him and my mum are ging away early on the Saturday morning and coming back late on the Sunday... but as much as I want my dad out of the way I don't know how I'm gonna cope on my own. (my mums been the only person I talk to, get on with and supports me)
Days are hard enough, being on my own... and nights! I have SO many suicidal thoughts at night and just cry my heart out...
look... here I am... whining again!

[reddevil]

Nights are horrible. But they always end with a dawn, and a new day, which is always worth seeing.

I honestly don't think you are whining.

Could you get to PC at a library?

[cantstopcrying]

You see it as whining, I see it as talking about what's bothering you and searching for solutions. So your mom does know he's abusive, she just doesn't know a way out either. Even though she yelled at you or was mean to you, try to be patient with her. During the day they are gone, do something for yourself--even if it's something like painting your nails or baking your favorite cookies. Don't forget to keep telling yourself how wonderful you are!

[silver_moon]

((((blueangel... (you're no devil) )))) ((((cantstopcrying))))
I try and do that, I guess I ought to try a bit harder. But, the loneliness gets to me then though... just having noone to speak to , noone to share anything with.
So the days are bad... I practically will each day away until my mums home, but then its only another 45mins till my dads home, so I have 45 mins where I may feel ok for a bit.
I wish the doc hadn't have said I couldn't work... I'd give anything to be out of this house. But, then again, I'm a joke... I can't even manage getting to flippin interviews... can you imagine me going to work every day!

cantstopcrying, the positive journal I have and the guys on pc... and telling myself in my head 'i can do this i can do this' is all that seems to get me by.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( huge hugs to everyone on pc)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

*big deep breath*

[nowheretorun]

(((girlfriend)))))) please dont give up hope though this is a very trying time for you... if you are able give yourself all the love you've always wanted, even if only for a moment.. you are worth all that love and more... times are hard now but they can get better... let yourself feel all that you feel (at least as much as you can handle) .. sorry of its a bad time for advice but you are not completely alone ever... i understand why that is a fear tho... believe you can make it, believe everyone matters (including you) and giv yourself time to walk through this situation with loving care.. begin with love and you can end there too... first start with loving you... all is not lost, give yourself a fighting chance... there is nothing wrong with you that i can see except having a bit of time satisfying some needs... i hear you wanting love.... own a healthy share for yourself and share that with others... healthy others will return your healthy share.... sounds simple right? dont give up, ok?

[silver_moon]

You are a truly wonderful person ((((((nowheretorun))))))
I'm not good with thank you's... I have every praise under the sun in my head and a whole load of things that I want to say, but I'm never any good at saying them... so I don't mean to sound dismissive, 'cause I'm really grateful... to a lot of other guys here too.
There's a lot of people who go through worse, right... so I can't give up.

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by nowheretorun

(((girlfriend)))))) please dont give up hope though this is a very trying time for you... if you are able give yourself all the love you've always wanted, even if only for a moment.. you are worth all that love and more... times are hard now but they can get better... let yourself feel all that you feel (at least as much as you can handle) .. sorry of its a bad time for advice but you are not completely alone ever... i understand why that is a fear tho... believe you can make it, believe everyone matters (including you) and giv yourself time to walk through this situation with loving care.. begin with love and you can end there too... first start with loving you... all is not lost, give yourself a fighting chance... there is nothing wrong with you that i can see except having a bit of time satisfying some needs... i hear you wanting love.... own a healthy share for yourself and share that with others... healthy others will return your healthy share.... sounds simple right? dont give up, ok?

So beautifully said... If only we could remember that, if only we could practice that!

TJ

[reddevil]

Keep on telling yourself that you can do it.

Could you volunteer anywhere?

[silver_moon]

But that's the thing... I just lie to myself 'cause I don't think I can do it.
Do you ever feel like your heart is crushed and no matter how much you don't want to cry you just have to, it's the only thing that h=eases that pain in your heart... but it doesn't really ease it at all... I feel like that right now... and there are days where I feel worse... dunno how I'm gonna sleep tonight.

I started volunteering for a charity near where I live, but the anxiety got the better of me and couldn't do it. I dunno... I'm gonna have to force myself to do a bit of volunteering otherwise I won't get myself out of this mess.
But, realistically it's gonna take me years to get enough money together to move out...

[nowheretorun]

((supermansgirlfriend)) not giving up is all the thanks i need... take care always..

[meander]

no advice sorry, but sending hugs and thoughts your way.... just hang in there, and I hope things get better!