[JENinFLORIDA]

Hello, I'm new here and have tried 2 reach out in my community 4 help with no success. I am a single mom of 2 kids (13 F, 6 M) and didn't think of myself as a depressed person until recently. Taking care of my kids and myself has become really hard. At 33, my health took a turn 4 the worse and I had emergency GallBladder removal surgery a few months ago in July, but I feel like I've been in bed since late January, when one day I shut my cell phone off and just never turned it back on. I just didn't feel like talking 2 any of my friends and have since become really isolated. My guess is that over the last winter I gained about 15 pounds and never got it under control so now it over 30 pounds heavier, in one way I feel obsessively uncomfortable in my own skin 24/7, but on the other hand I just don't care or too scared to risk anymore of my health by using diet pills or not eating. I used 2 be a person who cared about things and fight 4 what I believed in, but just don't have it in me anymore, and really worried that it's unheathy 4 my kids 2 be witnessing this day-by-day. Just keep telling myself that it will get better, then I'll be a better mom, but now I'm facing that it's getting worse rather than better. Then a part of me tells me that it's just the circumstances, and that a big part of the problem is that I keep fighting 2 get child support, but unsucessful for 12 years straight. After pushing away all my friends and family because I didn't want them 2 see this big downward spirial, I am wondering what someone does with their children when they come 2 the realization that they may not be healthy enough 2 support them and take care of them anymore. I also do NOT drink, smoke, or do drugs. Plus, I don't know what 2 expect posting something like this, but guess it can't hurt.

Thanks 4 reading this...

[CedarS]

I've been in your situation, I feel for you.

In my case I had to force myself to keep asking for help. Eventually I did find things that worked.

If you have any family or friends who are safe you might want to go ahead and contact them, let them see what you are going through.

You may need to say some version of "I need help" over and over again until someone hears you and helps. There is help available.

Is there a crisis hot line available to you that also gives info on community resources? Is there respite care available, someone who can help you with child care?

Are you in therapy?

[JENinFLORIDA]

Thanks 4 your response....I just started therapy and been there twice, but the lady doesn't seem 2 see the urgency. My kids are starting 2 take advantage while I'm too weak 2 really do anything about how they're acting. I have an appointment on the 21st 2 go 2 the main mental health care office 4 the first time and that's where they give medication, but I'm not really sure that's going 2 do anything...I'm thinking maybe the kids and I should go to a therapist together.

[cantstopcrying]

Going together may be a good idea, but you really should continue your own, too. I agree that even though you have shut yourself off, please try to reconnect with someone you feel will be supportive and helpful. The supportive part will help immensely in your feelings but the helpful part may include taking your kids for the weekend once in a while so you can have your "cry time"--cry, scream, be depressed, let it out, so that during the week you can focus on healing. I wish you luck in getting help. (On a side note for the child support--I got so pissed off and my county stopped actively looking for offenders because they just didn't have the money for it--no one saw the irony of that. Anyway, I went through Friend of Court--ha!--Prosecuting Attorney for the County--ha!--then I wrote letters to my representative, congressman, governor, State Friend of the Court, State Child Ombudsman and State Attorney General. Don't know who I got through to but the State's Attorney final pursued the case and he was arrested in North Carolina and jailed until he could come up with a part of what he owed and if payments stopped he was back in jail until he made arrangements. Just a thought but the squeeky wheel thing works sometimes! If you need help writing l love writing letters like that!)

[JENinFLORIDA]

You're right...it takes a ton of phone calls and letters 2 get anything done, it harder here in Florida, because my 2 ex-husbands live up there in Michigan. One had 2 counties where the amount kept going up, and then one day they ZEROED out both because he got sick and started receiving Social Security Disability and they say at S.S. that he didn't pay enough in2 the system so they won't take anything out of his checks 4 our daughter. He didn't pay when he was able though. My second husband, the father of my 6 year old son, they called earlier this week from the local child support office and said they were unsucessful serving him papers where he's listed his mother's address, but stays there rarely. He is able 2 pay, but won't because he is too selfish and I believe that he sees it as "sending me money" rather than his child. I've always been able 2 take care of the kids on my own but can't work because of poor health. I was in denial about the depression, I would tell myself that I was just frustrated about being ignored by our system, and it didn't matter if your recovering from surgery and have more health problems, our system won't give you assistance unless your working 40 hours a week or looking 4 work 40 hours a week. Then I took one of those tests that came up "severe depression". It's really hard 2 keep fighting a battle u can't win

[nowheretorun]

try not to let yourself believe you cant feel better Jen... start your healing off on the right foot .. sending care to you..

[missboots]

Jen, Here in MN we have the best help! There is such thing called divisonary work program known as DWP. You can google it. The system in hennepin county pays yor rent,gas,food,clothes,etc.. for 4 months to get you on your feet while looking for a job. They even pay for child care. It is not considered your 5 yr welfare allowance. I was living in SC and moved back to MN and they helped me or us get on our feet. Florida, South Carolina is such a bad place to be in if you need help! Wish you could come here. Sorry You feel like a not so good parent right now. Me I go in streaks one week I feel like an excellent parent and the next I doubt myself. My kids are almost 5 boy and 19 month girl. I am 38. Married but feel single. Hubby doesn;t pull his weight with parenting.