[ThePainNeverDies]

Hi everyone,

sorry for not being around for a week or so.. I've been in hospital after taking a pretty serious od on Monday. I only got back last night and I'm so weak and tired and sick.

Got home and haven't had a single chance to get my head sorted, to make myself feel better.. I had my boyfriend and his Mum on my back straight away and all day today as well and had to see the crisis team yesterdayt and today. They were going to take me to Yeovil hospital, the psych ward. But after coming home and breaking down to Katie, a worker here, and breaking down again after they said that, I'm on suicide watch at home, having security phoning me every hour to make sure I'm ok and still alive etc. and staff phoning me in the morning. And keeping an eye on me.

The only reason I broke down to Katie was because she smiled and said "are you okay now?" but at the same time looked sad to see me in such a sorry state.. And because she works with people who self harm and I just felt so horrible, sad, depressed, weak, tired.. Worn out and just so violated in the way that everyone just bombarded me with questions about it when I hadn't even been able to think about it in my own head, let alone help them to understand it.. Blubbering to Katie about it helped, I made no sense at all but we soon made sense out of it and it just made it so much easier. *sigh*

I'm going to be going into college tomorrow after only one day for recovery , so I'm quite uneasy because I'm still wobbly on my feet and very sensitive. I was told by staff at the hospital not to go to college, but I feel the need to go just to show my face and catch up on any work that I'vemissed this week, which I'm sure there'll be lots of.

I found out that Kat (my tutor) has put me on a disciplinary without even telling me, because I've not handed in an assignment that was due in on Tuesday. How could I have handed it in if I was in hospital? I will admit that I've not finished the assignment, but I did speak to her about that.

So, I'm pretty much terrified about going to college tomorrow, but since the crisis team have got involved, they'll be bringing me to college to make sure I don't carry out anymore of my plans and to make sure that I'm ok. I should be getting written permission to leave college if I feel too uneasy/weak or have any panic attacks etc.

Anyway, I'm tired! (after 3 nights of no sleep that's hardly surprising), so I'm off to bed. Night everyone

[cantstopcrying]

K-- I am so glad you finally talked to someone there!! I bet it felt so good to get it out and get someone to care and help you, though I'm sure the hospital had to be scarey, in a way I hope it was a comfort. All that monitor they are doing is very impressive. So is going back to college so soon. Be careful you don't over-do it. You have just made my heart happy to know that someone (a lot of someones) is looking out for you and you know and believe that people care, that you are worth it. I am sending you so many hugs and praises right now!!!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

K-- I am so glad you finally talked to someone there!! I bet it felt so good to get it out and get someone to care and help you, though I'm sure the hospital had to be scarey, in a way I hope it was a comfort. All that monitor they are doing is very impressive. So is going back to college so soon. Be careful you don't over-do it. You have just made my heart happy to know that someone (a lot of someones) is looking out for you and you know and believe that people care, that you are worth it. I am sending you so many hugs and praises right now!!!

Me too, it was a huge relief.. I was in floods of tears for ages, but just knowing that Katie knew what I meant helped. I didn't make any sense at all, but she knew what I meant and I've only just started to properly feel the effect of my childhood really hitting home. Like my Dad committing suicide. I'd never ever talked about that before.. Yet, something just brought it up in me to talk about it to katie and it was such a relief.

So many people think they know what I think and feel and it bugs and frustrates me so much because.. Even I don't understand what I think and feel, so how the hell can they say they "know" exactly what I'm thinking and feeling??? ARGH!!! it really gets to me!

It was a comfort to have such friendly people at the hospital who didn't judge me... I was so scared they'd hate me for trying to kill myself when they're there trying to save lives, that don't deserve to be lost, you know? So, I had a lot of people to talk to there and help me to understand the way I feel myself, too.

Going through it in my own head and just ouring my heart out to Katie made it easier because I always think too much.. This time, I didn't even think about it, I just blubbed it out and it felt so.. Light.. Like a huuuuuuuge, massive, gigantic weight had been lifted off my heart.

I'm finding college quite tough today already, can barely stay awake I'm so tired.. But.. I'm going to try and make it until at least the last two hours of the day which is a pretty boring lesson anyway. But we'll see.. The teacher for that lesson would understand if I left and let him know why.

I got into college and was so nervous and still am! That I've been tripping over things, shaking a lot, falling asleep, feeling sick etc. But I'm holding out for as long as possible. One of the friends from my group that knows about it was happy to see me, but not happy about me being in college..

I know I'm overdoing it as it is, but I just can't stay stuck at home, bored. It makes me even more tired and I just have mre time to plan other life-threatening things.

Connor's knd of ok with me now I think. Told me that when I hug him and talk, I sound so vulnerable, but when I'm stood apart from him, I'm so defensive. Which I know to be true but that's because I'm so used to needing to be defensive when stood apart from people, because of my childhood of always being shouted at, never cuddled or anything.. Wow.. I understand so much more now! It's great to just be able to reel it off!

*sigh* enough said. I have an hour off now, so this is my time to kind of chill out.. Although because of being so nervous etc, I can't eat. So that's not a great idea considering how low my blood sugar levels are and how weak I've been.

Apologies for any miss-spellings, this computer is so slow!

[pegasus]

((((((( ThePainNeverDies )))))))

Try not to over do it, remember you have just come out of hospital. If you'd just had major surgery you'd give yourself time to recuperate. This is no different in that respect. You need to keep stress down to a minimum for a while.

Take care.

[silver_moon]

((((((( tpnd )))))))))))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

I just found out that I have another assignment to be done and a presentation for next week. Plus, on top of that, I have to perform my newest song next week and it's not even properly finished! What am I going to do??!! I'm panicking already!

I feel weak again and I'm going to see my boyfriend's tutor today so she can help me out with some of this work load and talk to my tutor about it all, to see if I can get some much needed help with it all..

I mean, with the presentation, I though it wasn't due until the week before the end of term! And the performance, I'm having to come up with a reason for not being able to do it.. The assignment isn't in until the end of term, which helps, but still.. That's a panic on my mind now as well.

Stress levels are rising more and more.

[cantstopcrying]

Slow down and breathe and put it in perspective, hon. Both aren't due today or tomorrow. That's a positive. Another positive--you are performing. Another positive--it sounds like it's one of your songs you are performing. Another positive--you are getting help with the assignment. Another positive--you know that you have the option of not performing if you choose. You don't have to "come up" with a reason not to perform--you have a reason. You've been in the hospital (nobody needs to know why, not their business). It's going to be ok, these are things that are managable and if they seem too much, you now know you can call for help. I was in tears when I read your first post, so happy for you. Just remember how important and precious you are. And that is more positive and important than anything else. So breathe and take it one small thing at a time and if it feels like too much, step back.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( tpnd ))))))))))))))))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Happy about what? The fact that I've got so many people helping me?
But the performance, yes, is one of my songs.. But it's assessed and it's a song that I barely know anyway..

There's an assignment i'm already overdue on and just.. I don't have the time at all or the concentration..

I guess I don't want to have to tell all my teachers that reason, you know? My tutor knows about it and that seems bad enough as it is, you know? But I guess my performance teacher would understand.. I did say I might not be able to do it. We'll see..

I'm just so stressed and it's all building up, getting worse and I don't know what to do.. I saw my GP today and although we had a good serious talk, we had a giggle at the same time and it was so nice to talk to him about it. He understands so, so much..

I just feel like I'm not good enough.. For anyone.. The music industry, people on my course at college, Connor, people at home..

The housing staff here have been looking into a new placve to put me, more based around support for mental health.. I just think it'd make me worse.. I feel like I'm going to be put into a mental institute.. I hate it.. I don't want to go, I'm used to my workers here, the people here, even if I do want to get away from the *****ing here, it'd just make me withdrawn and I'd never talk to people about my problems.. I'd stop eating, I'd feel even worse than I do now.. I couldn't live with other people like me, I'd feel too uncomfortable with it..

I can't settle down again.. All I need is the space of my own flat, support from time to time, my own rules, everything. That is what will help this depression to ease. They don't get it..

[cantstopcrying]

Yes, happy that you have so many people helping you, happy that you see that there is hope, happy that someone finally got it. Instead of dealing with individual instructors, is is possible to go to the dean and tell him/her and see if he/she will exempt you with your teachers? That way you don't have to explain over and over. I'm glad your GP was able to be there for you and talk to you as well as laugh a little with you. Don't let that record start over in your mind--the one that says you aren't good enough. You are good enough. You need to believe you are good enough and others will sense that. Did you talk to someone at your housing about your reservations to move from where you are? I'm sorry everything seems to be piling up again. Remember to use the support that has been offered to you so that you don't become totally overwhelmed.

[ThePainNeverDies]

The crisis team are coming to see me tomorrow and I think... If I talk to them about it, I'll break down.. I need to.. I need to show them that I really don't want this anymore.. Just sitting here typing this is making me cry..

I am trying not to let the record start playing again, but.. It's so hard when everything's going wrong.. Like I said to a friend..
why is so much ***** happening to me recently making me feel like I'm failing at everything? first Emily, then college, then hospital, then Connor and his family, then college again, then this. Home.

That's exactly how I feel and it makes me want to cry my heart out so much and the one song that keeps me going is:

and:

It's such an inspiration. He is an inspiration and he's so amazing.. I hope I can meet him one day and just have one of those hugs

But anyway.. I need to go.. Get these songs finished..

Plus a friend wants me to sing them to her... Over the phone.. Lol.

In case anybody wants to hear what I was like 3 years ago,

www.myspace.com/kirstenwoodman

My myspace page

[cantstopcrying]

You have just taken my breath away!! The last link you gave me didn't work. This is amazing. If I give you my number will you sing for me, too! LOL. Sweetheart, I knew it--I told you how wonderful you are, what a shining star!!!!!!!!!!

[ThePainNeverDies]

How did I take your breath away? What did I do?? Oh right, the link!!! I see Well.. That's when I was 14, just imagine what I'm like now :P

If you really want me to, I can. Lol, just as long as I don't get too many requests off people! Hah.

There was an email I sent to some supporters this morning, I'll post it on here, it's amazing how much sense I've made of such complicated things. It makes me happy

[pegasus]

You do have a talent, hang on to that. (((((((( ThePainNeverDies ))))))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

I take it you checked out the link too? *is embarrassed*

This is the email I sent

"Hi,

Yes, it has made me realise why the doctor suggested taking time off for a reason.. But I just felt that I needed to go in to check up on what had been done work wise and to make sure that I wasn't too far behind and just to show my face, let epeople know that I hadn't just been bunking off, that I have actually been ill and still am. No-one asked many questions which was helpful.

I hope they don't. No, it was at home, but it just seems like they'd kick me out because I'd missed college for something self inflicted. I don't know, maybe it's just me worrying too much and too irrationally. I guess I'll find out next week what happens..

I'm just afraid that everything's starting to get easier again like it did not too long ago and it's just going to fall back again, you know? But I was talking to the crisis team this morning and they were saying that at least I've experienced it before, like as people get older, they experience the same things time and again sometimes and each time they figure out better ways to overcome it. So hopefully this will be the case this time.. I don't want to fall back.. I fele okay today, I've made an effort with myself despite waking up tired and groggy.. I've straghtened my hair, picked out an outfit that makes me feel good, done my makeup and it's just lifted my mood so much, along with Josh Groban's song.. Don't Give Up, You Are Loved.. That always helps

Thankyou. It's nice to know that someone sees me as a survivor, although.. I'm not quite a survivor yet, because I'm not completely out of the woods.. But I hope so much that I'll get there."