[ThePainNeverDies]

Ok, so normally when I don't sleep, I can find something to do, or just lay in bed reading.. Damned myself when i finished my book last time I couldn't sleep! Now I've read every book I have! *is angry*

So, last night, I didn't get to bed until about 11:30. I thought 'Hey, I'm knackered, sleep will come easy tonight. YESSS!' *punches the air* But no, my body didn't want to sleep. It wanted to keep me up all night, crying, in pain and other such things. I was just starting to drift off at around 1:30, when a horrific pain gripped my insides, like someone was twisting my stomach so tight, I could barely breathe. So, here I was writhing around in pain wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I felt sick, tired, weak etc. So I waited until it went away. It slowly did, so I tried drifting off to sleep again..

Still, my body didn't want me to drop off to sleep at all.. I feel into a very light and restless sleep at around 3am and started to have very vivid, disturbing dreams, causing me to become paranoid.. Some were about my bf, some were about random people, but to do with the rape, which freaked the hell out of me and now I'm terrified of going anywhere after 6. Some were about my Mother and Step Dad, too.. And The Adoptive Family.. It's really got me worried about my Birth Mother and Step dad and about my own safety.. I'm even more obsessed with locking my door, checking my window's shut, not going anywhere alone, which is just another burden, meaning I can barely go out anywhere.. Meaning I can't even go shopping.. It's f*cking ridiculous and I hate being like this, only.. Nothing's gonna help it apart from a therapist who specialises in working with rape victims. GAAAHH!!

So, At around 3:30ish, I woke up again and checked that my door and window were locked, that all my drawers and cupboards were shut and such and made sure that my music was still playing.. It's becoming such a huge routine now.. And it's just disrupting my whole life, making everything so difficult for me and causing me to become more and more paranoid and miserable, constantly looking over my shoulder, checking corners to make sure no-one's there waiting to pounce on me..

All because I was told that the witness of the rape and someone who had said that she wasn't taking sides, had both said that they were going to beat me to a pulp. Theycan beat me down to the ground for all I care. I end up in hospital care I lose it and they get charged for assault. Meaning there'd be more of a chance of the rapist getting sent down.

It makes me sick how two faced people are, how.. Their lives seem to evolve around violence, drugs, alcohol and sex. That's it. Oh. Not forgetting gossip. There's always something going around and now I get people calling out to me when i go out saying: "Careful, Kirsten, there are bad men out there" being sarcastic and nasty, then coughing and saying things under their breaths and such. It really makes me angry.. Do they seriously have nothing better to do? I hate being the subject of gossip. I used to be the subject of admiration. For the staff here, i still am.. They all love me because despite having such a s**tty background, I still manage to bounce back, even with a few falls along the way.. i never realised that before, but having so mnay people tell me how strong I am, I realise that yes, cutting isn't neccessarily the right way to go about coping, but to me, it's the only way that I cope.. For now, until I find another way and that I am indeed stronger than i think I am. I could've ended it in the beginning, but I didn't, I held that hope that things would get better and I still hold onto that, even though tings just keep going wrong, but sometimes going right, but then going wrong again..

*sigh* I just wish I didn't live in this s**thole, where everyone either hates me, is jealous of me, or just doesn't give a s**t about my feelings, or anythign about me.. Even when i give free singing lessons and am there for people when they need someone to talk to, despite all my own s**t, and them treating me so badly, I still do it.. WHY??!!!

I'm fed up of it, I want out, i need out.. Monday would be my 52nd day of no SI, which.. To me, is great.. But last night I just had the feeling grip me to just do it, go ahead and do it, until there's no room left for me to bleed anymore. It's a horrid thought, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I think about OD'ing and just remembering my hospital trip, makes me feel ill.. But I'd rather be there than here, feeling so miserable all I ever do is cry every day and cry myself to sleep at night. It sucks, it really does and it's killing every part of me..

[tarabug922]

Hi ThePainNeverDies,

I wanted to let you know I sympathize with you. I was also a cutter after my rape ten years ago. My rapist was never caught since i didn't report it and that disturbs me to this day. I wanted to let you know that ten years down the road my days have gotten better and I no longer cut or check locks obsessively or anything like that. Sometimes I think about it but it doesn't bother me like it used to. Having said that I have had eight years of psychoanalytic therapy. A book that helped me is "The Courage To Heal" It might help you too. It seems like there is a lot of anxiety in your life I hope you can find an effective way to deal with that. Whatever you need, I am here for you, just PM me or catch me in chat.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks, it's nice to know that things will get easier. It's not since the rape that I've been cutting.. It's since I was abused in my Adoptive Home. Since the age of 10. By my adoptive brother, sexually abused and emotionally and physically abused by my "Adoptive Parents". So yeah. They'd scream and shout and laugh at me for it, telling me to do it, so I gave them what they wanted. Me being young innocent and stupid.

I may be a stronger person now, but I still feel incredibly weak and like if one more thing goes wrong, I'll seriously crack. In a way I want those people to beat me down to the ground, to cause me pain, possibly kill me.. It sounds sick, I know, but.. It'd get them out of my hair by being thrown into jail and me being in hospital.

Idk, my head's really, horribly frazzled at the moment and i really don't know what I'm thinking.. It's horrid. I'm torn between whether to cut and have my bf torn apart between breaking up with me and breking his own heart, or staying with me and proving his parents right.. That he can't leave me because he loves me so much.. I hate it. I hate causing him so much pain, but I just can't take this much pain anymore..

[tarabug922]

ThePainNeverDies,

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough life. Nobody deserves to be encouraged to self-harm. I hope you're getting a handle on it. And as for those people threatening to beat you up, that wouldn't be good at all. I hope they do catch the rapist and put him away for a good long time.

Know that I am here for you to support you in any way I can.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[2bfree]

hi
((((((((((((((((((ThePainNeverDies)))))))))))))))))))))

you responded to something I said the other day and I felt really good about you and the other poster saying something to me about how I was feeling. I can't pretend to know what you are going through but if it helps at all I really appreciate you taking the time to be there for me

[mistymi]

I want you to know that i was raped and i feel the same way you do. it sounds like you have a better handle on it than i do and my rape was over 15 years ago.
rather you believe it or not you are an inspiration to me.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you for all of your replies, they mean so much. They've lifted my mood a little, after having an extremely scary dr's appointment. I had to tell him about the rape, which was scary enough and about not sleeping again and really struggling. He raised the dosage of my meds, to see if that'd help the sleep (they're anti-d's and sleeping tablets combined), but if I don't start getting sleep by Thursday, although he's reluctant to give me sleeping tablets because of my history of OD'ing, he'll give me them because he knows I struggle like hell at college if I don't sleep. i struggle enough as it is..

I didn't sleep until about 4am this morning, but I don't even think I was asleep.. Because when my phone rang at 7am for my wakeup call from Connor, I was wide awake. He cheered me up a little saying "You sound so cute when you've just woken up" :P but I hadn't just woken up, I was just exhausted from almost no sleep for 4 days..

I had another dream, which was really scary and kept me awake, crying for hours.. Why? Because I found out on Saturday that a close friend of mine from Surrey, had been stabbed to death and our friend, also from Surrey, who was quite close with her, is in ICU. I just know that if Georgie (the girl in ICU) dies, that'll really be the icing on the cake for me and I'll completely lose it.. I'm already on the brink of losing it, especially with the rape case driving me crazy.. If I get told he's gotten away with it, i know I'll probably scream and break down or something. I can't handle it any longer..

When i told Connor about Sam being stabbed to death, he thought it was the witness of the rape, so he said "well be careful who you talk to about this because if the police get wind of it, they might think you did it because of her being involved with the case and lying" Me? A murderer? Nuh-uh!! But as soon as he found out it was Sam from Surrey, he said "you need to get out of that 'friendship' it's doing you no good, Kirsten. Get out of it now, while it's not too late" How unsympathetic is that? It's already too *******ed late to get out of the friendship! One's already died and the other, well.. She probably gonna die now.. I'm finding it so hard to believe.. Sam can't be dead.. They're lying, they've got to be.. I can't deal with it anymore.. 2 people dying in the space of 3 days??!!

You would be.. The 3rd person, I think, to have said I'm an inspiration to you, and that really touches me deep down I guess I just feel extremely weak for having to use SI to cope and for trying so many times to commit SU..

I'm that stressed out and disturbed and upset by everything that's happened recently and by my dreams etc, that I can't even eat.. Which isn't helping my ED at all. My friend, Sky, would go nuts if she found out I'm not eating much at all..

Thank you, for being here for me. It helps so much..

[x_BabyG_x]

Congrats on the 52nd day of no SI'ing, keep it up hun!

These bad thoughts about the world are somethign I often get aswell, thats why I cant watch the news or anything like that, never mind trusting people. You gotta realise though that there is somethings you just have to ignore and block out, just to get through your own life. I hope ur okay

bg x

[ThePainNeverDies]

I just don't understand what the world is coming to, seriously.. I don't get the amount of kidnaps, murders, deaths, rapes etc. Goin on already this year.. 2 deaths near me, a rape (me) and a kidnapping just down the road from me.. It's completely insane.

My sleep's got a little better, i felt so crappy over the first 2 days of taking the medication, the next morning.. But this morning I woke up feeling a little better. I guess I just needed to catch up on all that missed sleep. But, I have a feeling my sleep's going to slip back to none again now. I still can't stop tinking about Sam and about georgie, too.. her brain tumour's got worse and yet.. She still doesn't want to have the operation done.. But the one reason she's having the operation is because she knows I want her to move down here, near me, so i can keep an eye on her and make sure she's ok, be a friend to her and be able to look after her properly. She tell me not to worry, but wouldn't anyone worry about their friend if all these bad things were happening?

She told me that some nights, she wakes up in cold sweats because she's so worried about me.. but she's not got so much to worry about with me as I have with her, which i find strange, but I guess she's just scared that I'm going to sip back down into that deep depression again.. Which I feel is starting to happen and if I'm not careful, everything will start to unravel again.

I guess I just need time to get my own head sorted out and to be there for Georgie and lal the other people that need me, who I can help.. Not people like Charlene, because her problems aren't actual problems, their about guys that she went out with for a day who dumped her because she didn't want to have sex.. i mean yeah anyone would get upset, but seriously? She's a virgin and he knows that and all she had to do was realise that he was a complete tw*t.. I guess I just don't want to have to deal with those minor problems, when there are so many others needing so much more help from me.

[tarabug922]

ThePainNeverDies,

Big Hugs to you. I'm so sorry about everything that is going on for you right now. It seems overwhelming just reading it. I hope your friend gets out of the hospital soon. I hope your other friends has her surgery and I hope most of all that you start getting the sleep that you need.

What courses are you taking in college? What degree are you aiming for? I'm going to school to get my degree in Psychology. I know that if you can focus on school you will be able to atleast make some goals and hopefully keep your head above water. I know school helps me to keep focus because i want it so badly.

I love you hun, and am here for you anyway i can be.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[ThePainNeverDies]

Sam being dead has had a major impact on my whole life, because her and Georgie both together filled a void in my life.. I was an inspiration to them, so they told me and they helped me by being there to talk to.. I've known them for about 9 months now, and that's not very long to have built up such a close bond, but we just instantly clicked and now she's gone, I've lost a part of me..

I do music at college, it's a BTEC National Diploma. I'm a singer/songwriter/guitarist. I got lost in my work not lnog ago and got into pretty big trouble for that, but this time I'm getting as far ahead of everyone else as I can, so I don't fall behind like I did before.. I want to become a professional singer/songwriter, using guitar as my accompaniment, butalso having a band to back me on other songs when i perform live, because some of them include drums, or piano, or bass guitar, even including violin. That's one of my main aims and because everyone's been going on at me to go on the X Factor, I've finally given in and am doing it, not neccessarily to win, but to get myself known for one thing and for another thing, to have fun, get away from all of this.

Georgie is out of hospital, and Sam's funeral is tomorrw I have given ideas for songs that I think should be played at the funeral and Georgie has taken that on board and also wants them played, too. I might be doing psychology at college next yer, along with an animal management/veterinary nursing course, because veterinary nursing is one thing I'd like to do, too, along with running a kennels and stable.

I hope my sleep starts to get better now, otherwise, I'll be doped up on sleeping tablets every night and feeling realyl drowsy the next day, which is even worse.. I already get weak legs in the mornings after taking my cmobined anti-d's and sleeping pills, which isn't helpful at all considering I walk to college! But that makes the effects wear off more quickly which is good.

If only i had a pet again.. Everything would be so much better, I'd be able to concentrate on that, have company, be giving him/her a new lease of life (it'd be a rescued animal) and I'd be giving myself that happiness I've needed for so long. It'd just make my life feel so much more whole again.

*sigh* I have to go to SWEDA (Somerset and Wessex Eating Disorder Association) meetings again, because Conor's caught onto the fact taht I'm not eating properly again, taht I'm restricting, which is annoying because I was trying so hard to hide it. Let's hope he drops it, so I don't have to go to the meetings.. At least not until I'm thin enough..

Well.. I have choir in an hour, so I'd better go and get prepared, along with gettign stuff together for teaching singing lessons.

Thanks hun, that's cheered me up a little.

[cantstopcrying]

K--you are so giving and caring!! I'm glad that Georgie is out of the hospital. What a wonderful part you are able to play in celebrating Sam's life by suggesting songs to be played.

I know how desperately you don't want to go to the SWEDA meetings, but deep down you know it's for the best....restricting isn't healthy and in order to obtain all those wonderful dreams you have, you need to be healthy!

I love the plan on getting as far ahead as you can in college! Way to be proactive and take charge!

Please know, dear, that you are never never far from my thoughts!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know, i just wish that i could actually be there in person, so that i could actually meet her, even if she is dead.. IRL.. You know? That's one of the biggest regrets I have at the moment, not meeting her and not going to the funeral... Yeah, maybe I do care a lot about people, but.. I act as though I care more about my feelings more than i do their's.. If that makes sense.. I feel that I act that way, anyway...

Everyone at college keeps calling me Kat, after my tutor, because I wear a red jacket that's like hers, and I have black rimmed designer glasses.. And apparently I talk like her too sometimes.. I hate to have that sort of a reputation, because I am nothing like Kat, in fact I deteste Kat!! Plus, we don't have even the slihgtest similarity in our singing voices or styles and we're both different shapes and sizes! Huh, I'm fatter than her!

I can't help but restrict.. I'm sick of the way I look.. next Monday (I start restricting and starving at the beginning of the week it's a thing I have to do, or it doesn't feel right) will be the day when i starve as much as i possibly can, without anyone noticing..

I had choir, and Hannah, Naylor, a girl I used to go to school with who is in the year below me, fainted.. Kat saw her face go white and shouted for people to catch her and they didn't know what she was on about until Hannah feel and hit the back of her head on the radiator. It was completely out of character for her.. But we're thinking it's because it was boiling hot in the room, with barely any air coming into the room (fresh air) and she was right in front of the radiator, plus because she was singing, she was taking in more air than usual so if it was her first lesson of the day, she'd have not had the chance to get her brain used to air circulating so much as when she's talking.. So yeah, her brain overloaded with air and caused her to faint. I almost cried! I was really peeved off because I knew what to do yet Kat would only let Gemma in, who didn't have a clue what she was doing. I mean, come on.. My Mum has epilepsy, and has had fits around me, I've got a history of epilepsy and have had quite a few fits.. About 3 I believe in the past year or so.. Plus, I've helped people who have fainted and have done a first aid course! GRRR!! Ahh well, she's gone to hospital to get her head checked, make sure there's no internal damage and opefully she'll be ok now.

I'm not afraid of fainting or colapsing or anything like that if i don't eat.. If anything, I see it as a bonus.. Something to show me that I'm doing good.. This week is restriction week, next week starvation. :S I can't help it, i have to shed all this weight.. On Friday I have step aerobics, I need to work as hard as i can with that.. I think it's on for an hour or two. Can't wait! All the more calories being burnt off

I've told Kat that I've decided that I don't want to go to uni and my reasons why.. i haven't heard anything back from her, but I'm betting she's really p*ssed off with me. I couldn't care less to be perfectly honest.. At the moment I don't care what happens to me, so long as Georgie's ok, I'm ok. She'll be moving closer to me, into the town where I live so we can keep an eye on each other because we worry about each other so much..

I have a bit of a medical question now.. Me being me, burnt myself when I was cooking. It was an accident, as i was getting something out of the oven, but after it happened, I felt quite satisfied with myself.. Now, I popped the pus bubble that was there, today and it's looking a little bit yellow underneath.. and quite red, slightly hot to the touch too.. Could this be the oncomings of an infection? I was lucky that Connor calmed down last night, or he'd have had a lot to say to me today, if I'd gone ahead and punched a wall so hard that I'd broke my hand. Oops. I just feel the need to feel so much pain at the moment.. Not quite sure why.. And now, onto the womanly stuff.. I'm due on my period this week and normally, the cramps I get are just about bearable.. But this week, and last month, they were extreme, overly extreme, excruciating pain.. I mean, i was almost late to one of my lessons because they were so bad that I couldn't walk.. Could it be down to so much stress? I was due yesterday/today, and I still haven't come on, I'm nopt too worried, but.. Come tomorrow if it still hasn't happened, I'm going to be in panic mode.. I've got a pregnancy test on Monday anyway, but.. Still.. I don't want to find out I've got a baby on the way! Connor'd go mad!

Thank you, you're always in my thoughts too
I just wish that things weren't seemingly so impossible at the moment..