[nightdream]

When you hurt so much inside that you can't even concentrate on the small beauties of this world, enjoy the sun coming up in the morning, see the stars dancing in the night, hear the laughter of a child, when the hurt takes your whole universe, you dont want anybody else to ever feel like this. It is too awful!

So what if my next step is going to cause this awful pain to another person. Do I take it to stop my pain or do I don't?

This is so very confusing.

nightdream

[Fuzzybear]

Sorry I have no wise words for you sweetie but you are in this bears thoughts and prayers ((((((((((((((((((((nightdream))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

[silver_queen]

((((((((nightdream)))))))) i'm so sorry for your pain ... i dont know what to say, but im thinking of you.

Silver.

[Maya]

I have been there - suffering so much that the thought of living even one more hour seemed more than I could bear. Then I thought of a few people I know who depend on me right now to help them get through their day and I knew that I could harm them in such a way. If I can help them then I just have to endure the suffering. My main goal in life is to never cause harm and I have done the best I can to maintain that goal in the forefront of my mind. My best friend, I call her my sister, has her husband possibly dying of cancer. They are in this country now (they live in Central America) and I am her lifeline. She also suffers from depression and anxiety and if I were not here to call her every night I am not certain she could keep going emotionally. I made a conscious choice to say NO to suicide, as much as I wanted to be free of life. Since I made that choice I have started to feel better (maybe it is the Lexapro, the yoga, the meditation, the nightly talks with my friend and my T) but I am feeling and doing better. It can get better - I know - I have been there. I was within a hair's breath of killing myself when my T spent an hour and a half talking to me, challenging me to live for myself and for my friend and others - that if I did not make the choice I would not survive. I am a better person for having gone through the suffering. I may go "down in the well" again in the future, I don't know what the future will bring. But, for now, I am alive.

[nightdream]

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Thank you for taking the time to reply and thank you for your caring. I appreciate it!

nightdream

[shakes]

(((nightdream))))
I am sorry for your pain. My thoughts are with you.

Jessica

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Nightdream --

I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I know what it feels like. It is awful.

Here's a little CBT technique that helped me when I was in the suicidal depths of my disease:

Whenever I had an absolute thought, I would add a word to make a tiny, tiny place for hope.

I can't go on becomes <font color="blue">I almost can't go on</font>

I have nothing to live for becomes <font color="blue">I can't think of anything to live for at this moment, but I may later</font>

I can't stand it anymore becomes <font color="blue">I can hardly bear it anymore</font>

I know it seems simple-minded, but it let in the teeniest tiniest ray of hope that helped me to go on. Perhaps it will work for you, too. I hope so.

Many prayers and hugs for you today, Nightdream.

[nightdream]

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Thank you so very much for your caring and kindness!

To clarify a bit things here, I am not talking about suicide. I am in a mess right now and I have been for a long time and of course I feel like quitting. But I also know I can't. To get out of this mess I will have to hurt someone and I can't. I get very down and I get very hurt but I still can't hurt someone else.

I also know that nobody can help me out. It has to be my decision.

Sometime I just wish somebody would hold me tight.

Again thank you! And I'm so sorry I can't give support right now in here.

nightdream

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Nightdream -- Sorry I misunderstood.

I'm wondering if this line of reasoning would work in your situation:

We really don't have power to "hurt" anyone. It's their choice whether to be hurt or not by our actions. All we can do is behave according to our highest ideals and values and standards, and take care of ourselves, and be honest.

I struggle with not wanting to hurt people, too.

[wisewoman]

nightdream, as much as you know that no one can make it better for you magically I want you to know that having understanding hearts holding you even in cyberspace is real. You are really not alone. I know it feels as though you are. I will reach out and hold you tight like my Jane used to for me. You are loved, there is love in this world. I wish you peace. I am so sincere as I write this. words fail me. Good luck night.

[nightdream]

Thank you Wants2Fly!

You don't have to apologised, it's me who doesn't express myself clearly. I'm too used to hide so I also hide behind my writing too. I don't know if this makes sense. Probably not.

This line of reasoning you have written is a very important one. Very valuable. I know that it makes sense that I don't have the power to hurt someone but then why do I believe I will.

Thank you so very much. I know I don't make sense at all.

Hugs!
nightdream

[nightdream]

Thank you so very much sweety!

You have touch my heart. {{{{{{{{{{{WW}}}}}}}}}}}

I really really thank you!
nightdream

[satansgetawaydriver]

i believe she's inferring she's going to commit suicide, and wonders whether its more right or more wrong to stop your pain only to cause another person it

[satansgetawaydriver]

and also im not entirely certain you choose whether or not you get hurt over any given thing - since, afterall - if that were the case, not many people would get hurt

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((nightdream))))))))))))))) I hide behind my writing/in my cave too. I understood what you meant. You are loved here,
Take care sweetie,
Fuzzy

[nightdream]

Hi,

I'm not sure what you are saying or if even if you are talking to me but personally I can't let myself slip to a point that only the thought of suicide will take my whole universe. I have a daughter to take care off.

I was programmed to take care of others before myself. Whatever the trouble I am in, the other person goes first. Now I have to brainwash myself what I'm going to do is for my own survival, that it is ok for me to take that step, that if I came to this point, it is because it's the other person who caused me too much pain and now that I have no choice but get away from this person even though I know I will cause him pain. It's this part I have problem with, "I'm going to cause him pain".

Thank you and take good care of yourself.
nightdream

[nightdream]

Thank you sweety!

I understand that it is hard for another person to understand someone who is not clear with what she/he says. I know it is me who is not clear with my writting. My fault. But I do appreciate everyone here because people do not reject me because I do this. I hide like you do Fuzzy, for a reason or another.

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Love you
nightdream