[Taonuviel]

it's so useless

hopeless.

[pegasus]

Not useless or hopeless. Things can change.

(((((((( Tao )))))))))

[madisgram]

tao hang on...we are here for you and care very much. i'm sorry you are feeling so down. your being here at pc mean so much to so many of us.

[free2beme]

(((((((( Tao )))))))))

[Puffyprue]

((((((((((((((tao))))))))))
iam here with you ....

[Taonuviel]

haven't i fought long enough yet, haven't i earned a little relief, a little success, a little progress? but there isn't any for me, it's hopeless... this is how it is. i want a break, but i don't want to be behind again... and if i can't remain enrolled in college then i can't see my t there... i want to take a ton of pills and let what happens happen... i want to fade away... but i bet i'd be found. it's all so useless.

[pegasus]

(((((((( Tao ))))))))

It would break my heart and many peoples hearts here if you took an overdose and it killed you. We here, see a very caring sensitive person who is struggling. It feels like a battle right now but it won't always be that way.

[Blue93]

((((((((((((((Tao))))))))))))))))

[silver_moon]

((((((((((((tao))))))))))))

[turquoisesea]

non existence often seems like a beautiful picture.

But... I don't think we can get it. pills dont just make you fade... they make suffering first, and so often they make you end up gagging and in a wretched state. Sorry to be so blunt. jumping is a **** ton of pain. That's not non existence. Sleep - well depends if you dream or not

so really, it might be nice but it's not something we can get. again sorry to beblunt. How about wanting nice existence? Quiet, happy existence. You may laugh... you may think it's impossible to acheive, but ... i think it's more likely than that beautiful non-existence you crave ... and.. honestly its more enjoyable anyway

*hugs*
i hope you can find a quiet happy existence, just for a little... or maybe another type of existence you can find that you like and can hold onto


loads of hugs

[Taonuviel]

and that's all i go on for... duty to those i care about... but i can't, or, i hope i can't, i certainly don't want to stay around like this. it's so unbearable... and non-functional... and i can't hope on a lottery's chance at change. because that's all there is... it's been so long, i've tried everything i can find, i just keep getting worse. i refuse to grasp at that far-fetched hope anymore... i'm tired of losing it each time. so i just exist... until everything falls apart i guess.

last time i overdosed i was very much out of it, and am pretty sure i would have faded until i died, pretty obliviously, had they not found me. i'm not afraid of doing that... it actually feels oddly safe... i am afraid of jumping. i'd have to be really desperate to do that...

[turquoisesea]

*hugs* oh tao *hugs*

you're losing now but there is always a way to turn it around, you DO have so much going for you even though you can't see it, not everyone can say they have full physical mobility... not everyone can say they're at school... I KNOW you're having a horribe time of it but you're ABLE to be there, you probably DO need NEED to take a break, but the point is they haven't kicked you out, you're not completely down, trust that you can get back up.
I know these seem like small things, but you could even drop school and get a job maybe... you have the physical ability to do so much, your mind is dropping in on you HORRIBLE, but if you fight it you can break free

[Taonuviel]

actually... i'm limited physically with a back injury and chronic pain... :-/

[Happiness Builder]

Try to focus on the good things you have in your life, think about all the parts of yourself that are healthy, think about how much you mean to your family and how much they love you! Never Give Up! There is no such thing as a hopeless situation, As long as there is life there is hope!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Tao )))))))))))))))))

[turquoisesea]

ick sorry didn't know about the back
can it get better in the long run? can you still get around ok?
because, you do seem to be able to physically get to the T, can get to classes (even if your mind screams at them... honestly I do too, guess that's why i'm on a forced medical leave x.x)

*hugs*
I think there's still lots of good though, despite the back that you cna get around

[Taonuviel]

it's ok. no, it can't get better, just worse. well, it might be able to get somewhat better if i could see a chiropractor, but i don't have any way of doing that. i use a rolling backpack to get my stuff around at school, can't carry all i need to on my back or shoulders. i think it's thrown off the way i carry myself because the chronic pain has spread into my neck. it's frustrating also because i'm young and look physically ok, but have to look out for myself in stuff like getting a seat...

i get to school, but i haven't been getting the work done. i have so much piled up that i just can't work on... my brain feels like mush.

it's frustrating too because i have so much creativity and intelligence, but i can't use them like this. i'm barely functioning. i'm just waiting for everything to fall apart again, and this time there won't be anything to break the fall.

[turquoisesea]

buts if you has creativity and intelligence you can use, give time to make rest better

[Taonuviel]

time... time makes no difference. it'll run out soon... without improvement i'll flunk out, lose my t, and have nothing left but to sit at home all day, or in the psych ward again, or die. i don't have any other options... i have to somehow manage college or it's all over... and if i do, then what? go on to a master's i can't handle, or a job i can't handle?

[Tumnus]

Originally Posted by Taonuviel

time... time makes no difference. it'll run out soon... without improvement i'll flunk out, lose my t, and have nothing left but to sit at home all day, or in the psych ward again, or die. i don't have any other options... i have to somehow manage college or it's all over... and if i do, then what? go on to a master's i can't handle, or a job i can't handle?

So this guy I really like said, "Do not worry about tomorrow. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I know that each "today" sucks right now but can you just try to get through each one the best you can?

Had Matthew 6 on my ceiling all through high school. The visual reminder helped...

[silver_moon]

How many classes are you taking? Would it be an option to drop one so you had more time to concentrate on the others? Or take a year out... stress takes its toll on depression. Maybe taking a break would give you that space to work with your T for a while before going back to studying.
Just a thought.
Take care,
Molly

[nowheretorun]

((Tao))) it gets so hard saying over and over, dont give up... please dont give up, your support is so welcome

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by Taonuviel

it's frustrating too because i have so much creativity and intelligence, but i can't use them like this.

(((((((((( Tao )))))))))))

You recognize that you are creative and intelligent, now is the time to use it!

[turquoisesea]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((taonuviel))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Taonuviel]

tumnus... so hard to put into practice... and i can't avoid worrying about the tomorrows, i have to try to prepare for them...

molly... i don't know. i'd have to find out if i can get financial aid for another semester... i need to figure out if i'm going to continue in college beyond the ba... if i do, then i could take another semester at this level, at least, to fill out masters' pre-reqs... and then i could delay one class. it'd be a little pressure off, so i'll find out, but it very well may not be enough. i can't drop school entirely because i see my t through college, as a registered student. i like him, and can't afford to see anyone otherwise, besides.

sorry to always be like this...

pegasus... really hard to make those come out in this pit... :-/