[jrae]

it's my anniversary - it's been three years now since i started taking meds for my depression. and i realized i'm in the same f-ing spot i was back then. my whole life has changed in that time, and there's nothin' i can do about it. i couldn't finish college, can't work, and i'm back home with my parents.

i don't think about this crap often because i can't control my thoughts. if i start thinking about all this, my mind goes off and i have no idea what kind of thoughts will be in my mind. i actually said the other day, 'i have things to do before i go'. (and i don't know if i was meaning when i die or what...) and i told my dad tonight that i couldn't die because our farm cats needed me - that i'm the only one who spends time with them.

i go back to my doc next week. what am i suppose to tell her - that i think i've given up... that i don't want to try anymore 'cuz i'm scared of failling even more... i don't want to be around friends or family because they all ask the same question- so what are you doing? i don't f-ing want to answer that... i don't smile much anymore. basically the only times i do are when i'm alone or with my one friend who never asks those q's. is that f-ing sad or what?!

i don't talk about this with anyone 'cuz i'm so f-ing scared that when i'd need them, they wouldn't be there. my dad wants me to go to a treatment center, just because our pastors wife went there... my mom wants me to stop seeing my doc... some days i only get out of bed because my cats need me and i need them! and now i'm crying, which means i won't be able to get to sleep for about an hour and it's three-thirty in the morning...

what the hell do i do.....

[Puffyprue]

((((((((((((((jrae))))))))))))
sorry for everything that happened in your life....it good you have soemthing real like your cat with me i only have my dog doll...
if u need to talk feel free to pm me ....hugs...

[blue cloud]

my dear
sorry to read these words
but be sure that one day all our trouble will have an end
trust your doctor ,your family and pc groups
hope you will find help and support
Best of luck

[madisgram]

hi ((((jrae)))) i'm so glad you shared about what's going on with you. you mentioned your doc. is this who you also have therapy with? can u write down these thoughts like the ones you wrote here and take it to your appt. next week? i''m no doc but after 3 years i feel that you should have felt some results from meds and therapy. are u an active participant in your therapy? do u feel it's helped at all? sorry for the multiple questions but i'm trying to see where your needs are not being met and why.
please know that we care about you and u do matter to us!
hope u will reply to my post. i once felt as you do now and with help my whole life changed for the better. i hope the same can happen to you and i do believe it can.

[Pomegranate]

"i go back to my doc next week. what am i suppose to tell her - that i think i've given up... that i don't want to try anymore 'cuz i'm scared of failling even more... i don't want to be around friends or family because they all ask the same question- so what are you doing? i don't f-ing want to answer that... "

I'm sorry to read how bad and hopeless you feel. When you feel bad for that long a time, it's not surprising that you start to feel hopeless. I have lived with feelings of depression, hopelessness, sadness and loneliness for most of my 54 years of living. But I have gotten much better at dealing with those feelings.

Yes, you should tell your doctor how you are feeling. Tell her exactly how you are feeling, don't hold back. And when friends and family ask you questions that bother you, some things you might tell them are that you are doing the best you can, and if they aren't walking in your shoes they should not judge you. Or tell them you don't feel like talking about that, "can we please talk about more positive things, I hate that the conversation always centers on me and my problems?" Also you might spend some time thinking about why their questions bother you so much, specifically. And talk to your doctor about those feelings.

I found it very difficult to accept all my limitations. That I had/have mental & physical health issues that do in fact limit my activities, my accomplishments, all the hopes and dreams I had when I was younger. But when I know I've tried my best and just can't do or be what I want, then I have to accept that. Love myself inspite of that "failure" and then move on and focus on what I can do or be. It's been a long, difficult, hard journey and process, but I have gotten better. It's not easy.

I hope you start to feel better soon, ((jrae)).

[yutzman]

jrae, I think your boat is bumping up against mine in this open sea of despair. I hear, feel, and understand your journey. I really can't give much advice, at this point (I think my boat is a little lower in the water than yours), but to me it seems that you have fallen back to a relatively stable point to dwell for now. All armies under attack fall back to a rallying point, lick their wounds (your cats may help you here), then set out again on the road to victory. You have time, cry now.......
But don't give up.... RALLY!!

[Capp]

((jrae))
It sounds like you have so much to handle right now...I'm sorry you feel so badly.
I'm very glad you shared with us.

Others have given you good advice, and I hope it helps you.
I agree about talking with your physician about all of these things...being honest is the only way of being able to change anything.
Perhaps an adjustment in your meds may help, also. If you have been on the same ones the past three years, it bears looking into some type of change--dosage, addition, or a new one may give you better results.
Feeling overwhelmed is hard and drains our energy. Please do what you can to feel better.

Let us know how you are doing.
We Care
I Care

Cap

[jrae]

ok, so i couldn't make it to my doc appt because of this major blizzard the upper midwest is having. which means i can't talk to my doc and have to wait even longer... have no idea what this is going to do to me.....

[Capp]

Originally Posted by jrae

ok, so i couldn't make it to my doc appt because of this major blizzard the upper midwest is having. which means i can't talk to my doc and have to wait even longer... have no idea what this is going to do to me.....

jrae, would your physician be willing to do a short phone session?
At the very least, please keep posting and/or join one of the chats...PM anyone you are close to also.

How long will it be until you have another appt? Perhaps you won't have to wait as long if you be honest about why you need to see him/her.

Peace,
Cap

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by jrae

ok, so i couldn't make it to my doc appt because of this major blizzard the upper midwest is having. which means i can't talk to my doc and have to wait even longer... have no idea what this is going to do to me.....

jrae, i think cap's idea is a good one. see if you can do a therapy appointment over the phone if the weather is still bad. it's not the best way but under the circumstances it will help until you can physically go in. if it were me, imho, i would also ask your t to try to give you an earlier appt. once the weather gets better. it helps our t's when we explain to them our needs. otherwise our t's would think we're ok and right now you aren't feeling ok. let us know how you are doing and keep posting if you are comfortable doing so. at least you will be getting some support here too. we care about you and you do matter to us.

[jrae]

thanks everyone for your replies. i'm back at home now. the interstate was closed for almost 36 hours, so i couldn't go anywhere. my cats gave me the best welcome back of everyone.

my younger sister and her boyfriend are at the house for spring break. i hate being around her. she treats me like i'm stupid, and it f-ing pisses me off... so i went out in the -10degreeF weather and sat with my cats for almost an hour. then worked in the basement to try to calm me down. now i'm so f-ing worked up that i don't even want to go to sleep tonight. and my mom went thru my stuff when i was gone... this whole trip was just a f-ing bad idea. is that a sign; i mean, should i not go?

and i know something's not right with me... it started yesterday. i didn't eat much, didn't drink much, and even though i was tired, didn't sleep much either. and the drive home today (3 hours) was unusually quiet for me. i don't know what's going on with me. i'm not on meds, so it's not that. i just honestly wish i didn't have to go thru this ****. you know, to be 'normal' or even somewhat me again seems impossible now...