I really need...help right now..

I didn't know where to put this, I never do anymore....

I am collapsing,

My moods are killing me, up and down, spin me all around,

It feels like everyone in my life is going to fall away, I know they aren't really going to, that it is my fear of loneliness and my fear of losing my loved ones that makes me feel like that

One minute I am crying, the next I am laughing like a mad scientist, I don't know why I"m laughing I just am. I am angry than guilty, vengeful than regretful, swinging round and round, just screaming from the inside at this madness, it is breaking me apart.

Right now I am just bawling uncontrollably, just bawling, I feel dead, hollow.... I feel reckless, like I need to prove to myself I can still feel....

I can't sleep, or I sleep to much, right now I feel unmotivated, so unmotivated to even do the thing I love most and that is create, I don't understand this, I think I am a danger to myself right now, but I am to scared to call anyone, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to upset someone else...this is my problem I should handle it...

But really all I want is for someone to hold me, and let me cry, and tell me everything will be okay, for once in my life I just want to give into the madness, I just want to quit being strong I want to fall apart, I want to throw myself on the floor and bawl and scream and curl up in the fetal position and stare at the wall.

I don't know what to do, I feel guilty for posting this, for taking up others time, I hate myself for what I'm typing, for the thoughts running endlessly through my mind torturing me, the nightmares, the pain, the memories, I hate myself so much, for reaching out, for asking for that simple for little word.........

HELP.......

((((((((Silversparrow))))))))))))))

Can you call a crisis line if you need someone to talk to immediately? Or put in a call to your doctor or therapist so you can tell them about how you're feeling?

You're allowed to cry, okay? I give you permission. Everyone here does at the very least. You're allowed to be weak and to ask for help. I know that's hard to believe. But it's true.

Everything WILL be okay if you ask for help from someone IRL. But you asked for help and support here and that's a very good start, okay?

((((((((((((((((((((((((silversparrow)))))))))))))))))))))

I left a message very similar to what you wrote on T's voicemail a few weeks ago.

When he called back, he very clearly, and kind of sternly (not like him!) told me to... SLOW DOWN. He kept coming back to that. SLOW. DOWN. Breathe. Breathe in, and breathe out. And then do it again.

It's so scary to get caught in that spiraly feeling of madness. And it's hard to find out way out alone....

SO. Can you slow yourself down for a minute? Can you get grounded? Sometimes I name 5 things I hear, 5 things I see, 5 things I can touch and feel, etc. Sometimes I run cool water over my hands, or take a drink of cool water and feel how cold it is on my lips and in my throat. Sometimes I breathe slowly and count each breath. Sometimes I go outside and look at the sky and the trees and it helps me get some perspective.

Is there some one you can call that can help you? A friend? Do you have a T? I know it's hard and scary to reach out, but sometimes we just have to. That is why we are here - to help each other. Let someone help you.

It doesn't feel like it, but this will pass. My T always tells me that "feelings aren't emergencies, they are information". I sometimes think of big feelings as energy running through my body and I know that the energy will pass eventually.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((silversparrow)))))))))))))))))))))))) I don't know if any of this helps, but I wanted you to know that I heard you....

Sending many many many

Don't feel bad for asking for help
I like using up my time for other people believe it or not
Especially people like you who are really good guys
who went through a lot of other people's ****
and have to struggle because of it

I'm not so great with words anymore, but I'm still here for you

((((((Christina))))) ((((((Earthmama))))) (((((Kaika)))))))

Thank ya'll, it helps to be heard, my moods have swung again and now I feel horribly manic, this is no fun, I don't like this I want it to stop.

I have two people I could call, but everytime I reach for the phone, my mind screams at me and I toss it across the room to sit on my couch, I keep telling myself no one needs or wants to hear me boo hoo, which I know isn't true I have been scolded by both these friends for not calling when I am like this before, I just can't do it, I just can't reach out to them, I don't want to burden them, I really don't, I want to help and take care of others, not be taken care of myself, I know that is a bad train of thought but I just can't help myself.

I feel so guilty for being like this, I can't stop crying, I physically can't stop....

Why??????????????????????????????????????/

I'm sorry I"m sorry I'm sorry
so sorry
I now feel like I am hurting everyone

I fell like this is all me crying for attention but I'm not, I'm just trying to stay safe..my brain swims..nothing makes sense in my own mind anymore..this madness....this madness.................

I swear, I wont' hurt myself, I have made a promise to some very important people in my life, that I will not do that, I just don't know how to make this downward spiral stop...........

I often feel like that to sometimes i be happy for no reason at all then i am crying the next second for no reason and i never figer out the reason why i am crying or happy just happens and i feel like the loved ones that i have are going to leave me but that i usuly just in my head when i think that cause i often feel so bad about myself i think that others just leave me becouse of it

This feeling of hurting others or taking up their time we LOVE helping you Silversparrow, it makes us feel good, and deep down good!!

Sounds like your mind is feeling all sorts of very intense things....your friends would probably love for you to call....but if for some reason you feel cannot...I agree a crisis line...would be a safe, anonymous way to wind down.....wind down..

What is your favorite thing that YOU do to feel better, do you have a favorite CD? Movie? Book?

You are LOVED Silversparrow, don't ever forget that, and it was not time wasted reaching out for me, it was time well spent!

(((((((Junerain)))))) (((((((Shybabygirl))))))

Everyone thank you, I think last night, I finally had time to sit, and think, and everything that has been going on in the past few weeks finally had the chance to catch up to me and it set me off. So much stress I've been ignoring the past few weeks and it all kinda of caught up last night.

I feel okay today just very exhausted, I skipped my only class for the day to sleep, and even though I slept an amazing 8 hours for once, it still feels like I got ran over by a train, my mind is mush, and I'm not sure what to do from here...

I am trying to make a plan for the day, I have yoga tonight but I am considering skipping, which I think is the depression talking, and I can't just lay in bed all day till yoga class, if it is still going on the weather is getting a bit ick out there. I know I need to get up and get dressed and do something, laying in bed isn't going to help me any, but it's hard to get out when my whole body aches from this madness and I am thoroughly exhausted..

I never called anyone, I was way to afraid, but I did reach out and chat with a good friend of mine, I am very grateful he was online last night (((Free902)))

Even when a very close friend of mine called later to ask a question and she noticed something in my voice wasn't right, I couldn't say what was wrong..that is a major step backwards for me....I was getting better about discussing emotions and reaching for help irl, and last night I stepped backwards...it is frustrating...

I am forever grateful to ya'll for responding, it means so much to me, sometimes all someone needs is to be heard, I am sending mucho positive vibes out to ya'll.

Many hugs and much love
Sparrow

(((((((((((( silversparrow ))))))))))))))
I am sending you many warm hugs

heya sparrow, I'm sorry i missed this, I've been about everywhere in the past few days.

I just wanted to say... don't feel bad for posting, never feel bad for expressing your feelings. You're not hurting everyone because you feel bad, I'm sorry you feel that way.

When a friend is upset, it makes me upset some too, yes, but that's because I care for the person. It does not HURT me, it is part of being a friend and part of caring. It makes me feel good if a friend comes to me and I can help them in some way, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be a person to talk to, because I care, and because in letting your pain out not only are you feeling better in some way (which is the most important) but there is also a bond strengthened between us, the bond of friendship.
So please... don't feel bad, feel free , I'm here anytime I can get to the internet, and here all the time in my thoughts.

you're in my thoughts sparrow, hope you're doing a bit better, but sending you hugs regardless