[Tone303]

Here is the question i submitted to "ask a therapist" so you can read it as well. Since i am 100% real and truthful, you may feel uncomfortable reading this:

I was born with severe torture depression which i experienced by whole life. I never have had experienced a break from torture before. Torture is constant and unending.

Ive never held a job before, if i try a job, i lie down on the floor of the job from severe torture. I got Fs in school, torture didnt allow me to do any school work. I am completely dysfunctional and my life is destroyed and 100% hopeless. I cannot even focus enough to drive a car and my home is a mess. All i do all day is shake, pace, lie down and beg for torture to end.

I had 10 doctors and over 35 medications in the past 12 years, also "talk therapy" and alternative "treatments" Nothing has any effect whatsoever on life long torture. ECT has no effect on torture, just side effects. Life is constant pain and suffering, and 100% worthless with no purpose. All i feel is pain and suffering, where thousands of things tried have no effect whatsoever, including doctors, medications, supplements, hypnosis, meditation, exercise, and much more. There is no treatment for my torture, everything was tried, nothing has any effect on severe constant life long torture of agony and suffering. I hate life, which is constant suffering and nothing more.

What should i do?

[tarabug922]

well, you've made a good start by coming here. Here you will find that you are not alone. There are others with similar experiences as you. Hopefully that gives you some courage to continue on. What you're going through sounds horrific. If it were me I would continue with a therapist, looking until i found one that was a right match for me and pray that that will eventually help. It took me eight plus years of therapy to overcome anorexia and bulimia so sometimes it just takes a while. Whatever you do don't give up. I'll be praying for you.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[Cthomas]

Welcome to pc! I wish i had some great advice. The only advice i can give right now is STAY!!!! this is a great place.

Im sorry youre struggling. But the one thing we can hold on to is hope. hope that one day we can all break the struggle we are going through and see better days.

Im glad youre here.

Colleen

[ECHOES]

I am not familiar with torture depression.
Can you say more about that and how it was determined that you were born with it?

[madisgram]

welcome to pc! i think you will find help and support here.
i'm not familiar with torture depression but a part of my experiences i hope will encourage you. it took quite a while of therapy, changing meds to find what worked, and a lot of effort on my part to stick with it so i could live a more fulfilling life. i have depression and know it can stop one in one's tracks. hope you''ll keep posting or reading the posts. i find it is a good way to connect witrh others that can relate to our condition.

[Taonuviel]

i've never heard of "torture depression", either, and just found some vague references of it as an expression of dysthymia, in which sufferers feel like they are being worn down like by "mental water torture". but i'm having a hard time connecting it to your description, which is rather extreme. is this all mental pain, or is it physical, or is it psychosomatically-induced physical pain? surely something must give you some comfort, as i'd wonder if such constant torture wouldn't cause some kind of mental break if it went on so long...?

[stefano]

Hello and welcome. There are medication resistant persons, but I'd like to respectfully observe that psych medicines take a long time to evaluate. If you took 35 in 12 years, if you were to test each one for 4 months, while many of them require more time. And if you tried 10 docs in the same 12 years, I don't think any of them had time to develop a strategy.
We know what degree of hopelessness depression may induce, but I hope you will try again.

[Torture]

I totally disagree that medications can take more than four months, and I don't know where you got that information. That wasn't even true in the old days, and now medications are metabolized much faster and their efficacy can be gauged more quickly.
This is the first place I have found someone who has suffered like me. I have been in treatment for almost 30 years, have tried about 35 medications, and nothing has worked. Every second is torture. There are no "better" or "worse" times. There is absolutely no treatment for my depression.
If someone knows where else I can find people like me, I would be happy to contact them.

[justfloating]

First of all, hugs: Welcome to PC. I'm so glad you found this place, there are a whole bunch of wonderful people here.

What you're going through sounds absolutely terrifying, and I'm so sorry. I have no advice except KEEP GOING. One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. Don't give up, and keep posting here. If anything, I've found it to be a great source of comfort and release when I post.

Take care.

[Torture]

I don't think Tone303 is referring to "torture depression" as a medical term; of course it doesn't exist. I think Tone303 means a torturous, severe, intractable depression, which I can totally identify with, having suffered it for probably 40 years.
Dysthymia is a mild, yet chronic, depression. It does not apply here.
I do not qualify for any medical studies because of medical conditions. My insurance won't pay for one treatment. My doctor has almost run out of medications to try with me, and he is loath to try one that I suggested because he is scared.
I tried to kill myself two weeks ago, and I'm sorry it didn't work. I want a peaceful death, or obviously, I could kill myself any way.
I have a hellacious family, in addition. But if my mind could heal, they wouldn't bother me.
I don't know what I could have done to deserve this mental torture every second of every decade.

[pachyderm]

As someone else suggested here recently, I would start with a very, very small step: finding something that has even a little bit of interest to you, then investigating it, finding out more things about it, work on it, make some things if it is something like a hobby that you can actually do some physical work with. Very small things to begin with, build on that, do not think about all the difficulties that are going to happen, concentrate on one thing that you are interested in, take a step at a time, give yourself some successes. Build step by step.