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  #1  
Old Apr 21, 2009, 05:51 AM
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cafegrrrl cafegrrrl is offline
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I don't know what to do with myself. I began feeling a tiny bit better over the past month or so. But now, for seemingly no reason, the depression is back.

It never really went away. It was always there, hovering above me or lingering in the background...just there to remind me of it's presence it seemed.

I feel like I've slipped right back to where I was before I began taking meds again. And i don't know what to do about it.

I'm afraid that if i tell my counselor, she's going to suggest I attend the outpatient program. I don't want to, been there, done that. And I know they didn't like me and probably found me frustrating. And it'll probably be worse a second time around.
I'm also scared that if it's recommended and I don't go, I'll be dropped from counseling and my meds for lack of compliance or something. And, i'm afraid of being locked up.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of fighting this. I'm tired of telling myself it'll go away, it's temporary, things will get better and etc. It all seems to be a bunch of lies. And, I used to think the point in all this was just to get through it. Now, I'm not so sure what the point is.

I'm tired of forcing myself to do everything. Everything is so exhausting. And my stupid thoughts just won't go away. I've tried "jolting" them away by changing activities, walking, music, whatever. Nothing helps. It's like continuous loop in my head.

this is ridiculous.

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  #2  
Old Apr 21, 2009, 08:55 AM
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((((((((((((((((cafegrrrl))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry things have started going downhill for you again. Have you considered getting an uppage in your meds? It might just be a case of increasing your dosage. For me, a low dose made it possible to do slightly more than breathe, but it wasn't until the dosage of my current meds had been trippled that I found true relief from my depression symptoms. Depending on what you're taking/your current dosage, if you were feeling the effects of the meds for a while, it could just be that you need to take a slightly higher dose for them to work 100%.

While I don't know you or your counsellor, I'd encourage you to talk to her all the same. A counsellor's job is not to judge, but to help you through whatever you're going through. Even if you're "difficult" or "lack compliance", a good counsellor can work around those particular issues for you in order to find treatment options tailored specifically to your personality type. Again, I don't know you or what you're going through specificially, but I do understand the fear of being abandonned by your support network for not trying hard enough, or the fear of being judged or hated by the people helping you when their help doesn't appear to have any effect. Have you considered that this fear stems from your depression? I had the same feelings, and it stemmed from the lies the depression told me that I wasn't trying hard enough to get better. Although it does take effort on our parts, it's important to remember that we can't help being sick, and we can't help it if certain forms of treatment don't work for us. The best we can do is seek other alternatives and keep hoping that one of them will take eventually.

Best of luck and lots of hugs.
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"If you're going through hell -- keep going."
- Winston Churchill


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we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on.
Bring on the wonder, bring on the song,
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long.
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  #3  
Old Apr 21, 2009, 07:59 PM
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turquoisesea turquoisesea is offline
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Thought i was getting better...guess not

Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

  #4  
Old Apr 22, 2009, 03:13 AM
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cafegrrrl cafegrrrl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justfloating View Post
((((((((((((((((cafegrrrl))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry things have started going downhill for you again. Have you considered getting an uppage in your meds?
That's the kicker. I just saw my shrink last week and everything seemed fine....Though I guess if increasing the dosage is what's needed, they'll schedule me to see him before my next appt...

[/quote]While I don't know you or your counsellor, I'd encourage you to talk to her all the same.

[/quote]

I don't think i'll have the guts to tell her how bad things really are. I wrote some stuff in my journal. Maybe I'll have the guts to show her that. I'm not sure i can.
I'm soooooooo scared of getting locked up or something. And, I know my other options are almost just as bad. Or on an even keel . I guess i'm just screwed no matter what...
  #5  
Old Apr 23, 2009, 09:54 AM
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turquoisesea turquoisesea is offline
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I think it's better to tell your T. Tell her how upset it would make it if you were locked up. That way she/he will only do it if NECESSARY. I don't want you locked up. I do want you safe. I hope that by talking to therapist you can find a coping mechanism, or some way to get better without leaving your home

I think that's worth a try.
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Thought i was getting better...guess not

Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

  #6  
Old Apr 23, 2009, 10:12 AM
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sorry that things are hard right now , you are in my thoughts

Ella
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  #7  
Old Apr 23, 2009, 10:15 AM
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Pomegranate Pomegranate is offline
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Quote:
And, I used to think the point in all this was just to get through it. Now, I'm not so sure what the point is.
Cafegrrl

Others have already made excellent suggestions and I agree with them. The comment you made above, that is the point, to get through this as constructively and safely as possible.

I have dealt with many major depressive episodes and then in between always mild/moderate. It used to scare me every time I had any kind of feeling that my depression was getting worse. It takes time to learn how to deal with it, develope coping skills, learn it really will pass if you just give it time, learn to accept your depressed feelings instead of fighting them all the time. That was a big one for me, turning it around and saying to myself, "okay, I'm feeling really depressed today and so what can I do today to make myself feel better? Then be nice to myself and take care of myself.

Also I saw in your profile that you were in a car accident. Have you ever been tested or checked for neurological damage? I don't know much about it, but I have read that head trauma can cause lots of problems with depression.

Keeping posting and let us know how you are doing. Take Care of yourself.
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I'd rather have a visit, note or pretty picture
than an "I'll say a prayer" or a "god bless you."
Doesn't make me feel better, no meaning to me for sure.
Can't stop you from praying and blessing me,
and if that makes you feel better feel free.
But keep it to yourself please, don't tell me.
And let's all respect each other's feelings.
With kindness, support and "sweet dreamings."
Thanks for this!
Rohag
  #8  
Old Apr 23, 2009, 11:59 AM
Teddy_Blue Teddy_Blue is offline
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What everyone has said here is so true. Please reconsider talking to your therapist - they are trained to help and not judge. And don't be afraid of being "locked up." Been there and didn't really want to go, but once I was there it felt so safe - I didn't have to think about trying to hide any more (which is sooo tiring), I could start to think about what I had to do to get better. And if I ever start feeling that bad again, I wouldn't hesitate to go back. The nurses told me they would rather see someone re-admitted for a "tune up" than be there after an attempted suicide.

  #9  
Old Apr 23, 2009, 05:43 PM
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  #10  
Old Apr 23, 2009, 06:54 PM
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turquoisesea turquoisesea is offline
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I know I've posted here on this thread already, but as I saw the title again, I realised that I posted a while back asking if I had really gotten any better. Right now I realize that I actually have... really far. I just had a REALLY long journey ahead of me with its ups and downs.
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Thought i was getting better...guess not

Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

  #11  
Old Apr 23, 2009, 07:33 PM
Saunder Saunder is offline
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I'm new to this site. Sorry you're going thru this. I have worry also about saying how I really feel. It's just a small relief to be able to say how you feel without ending up in the hospital. Being locked up didn't help me but saw that it helped others. I'm a very light sleeper so couldn't sleep there. --hope you get the help you deserve.
  #12  
Old Apr 23, 2009, 11:50 PM
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cafegrrrl cafegrrrl is offline
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I'm too tired to figure out how to respond individually to replies and I don't know if it even matters, but here's what I did/am doing...

Talked to my counselor. Didn't tell her how bad things are getting and didn't show her my journal. however, I told her i'm getting back to where i'm not sleeping again . She asked if the job interview i have tomorrow offers me any glimmer of hope or something positive. I forget what she exactly said. At any rate, I responded with a "no". We talked a bit and she told me i'm already denying myself the job and etc. I guess she was kind of right. But, even if the job is offered, I'm quite sure I won't pass the background check and etc. and if there is an offer, it'll be rescinded. She said my work background and etc. may cancel out the results of checks and tests. I'm not too sure about that either.

I did ask her if I can see her more than once a week and she said i can. She said she'd play with her schedule or whatever and let me know next week.

I was tested by a neurologist shortly after my car accident (about 7 or 8 yrs. ago) and also had an MRI. Everything was supposedly normal. The neurologist didn't like it much when i told him he had to be wrong, I wasn't like i was before the accident and that since so little is known about the brain, maybe there's something wrong they can't test for yet or don't even know about yet. To this day, I believe that. If i had $$ or health insurance, I'd get looked at again.

My counselor is also getting some info for me about some kind of drop in center i can go to to get out of my house for a bit if i need to do so.

I don't know if any of that will help...but something's gotta give
  #13  
Old Apr 24, 2009, 12:34 AM
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turquoisesea turquoisesea is offline
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Thought i was getting better...guess not

Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

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