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  #1  
Old Mar 04, 2014, 06:45 PM
Amp35 Amp35 is offline
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Location: Boca raton
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Im 35 yo female. Happily married, one son. I can say we're not wealthy but we can have pretty much everything we need or want within reason. People has always told me how pretty I am, my husband is the most loving person i know, he adores me! Pretty good life right?.
My husband and I have been trying for almost 4 years to have a baby, we got pregnant with triplets two years ago only to miscarriage at 15 weeks due to an infection of the amniotic fluid, i almost lost my uterus and was sick for the next two weeks, had to have three surgeries on my uterus to remove cartilage due to the D&C.
We got back on our feet, traveled, tried to relax and the next year we got pregnant again, with a baby girl. At 10 weeks they diagnosed incompetent cervix and i had an emergency cerclage and was put to modified bed rest.
At 21 weeks one night started to feel like i was coming down with a flu, that night i could barely sleep and at 4 am started to feel contractions. We got to the hospital, got u/s, blood work and urine tests, i had an infection but they couldnt tell where it came from. At 6 pm i had miscarriaged my little angel, and almost died.
I had a septic shock with a Disseminated intravascular coagulation, was put on a coma for 5 days and i couldnt wake up for another 5 days. When i woke up i couldnt move, didnt remember anything, had a hysterectomy, and dry gangrene in my hands and feet caused by the DIC.
Spent 45 days in the hospital (christmas, new year included), two weeks after being discharged i went for the first surgery, they amputated all of my 5 left toes, and two fingers of my left hand, 6 weeks later had my second surgery to have amputated 1 toe of my right foot and remove the finger nails of two fingers of my right hand.
As you can imagine normal life at this moment is out of thevquestion, i cant even bathe myself!!!
Im feeling very blue, sad, i have lost so much even the possibility to be pregnant again.
I want to get on with my life, for my family, for my loving husband and son, but all I think is how am I going to live like this?
Am i supposed to be gratefull because after all im alive?
I dont wanna live with people staring at me, feeling sorry for me, but I DO feel sorry for me.

Last edited by FooZe; Mar 05, 2014 at 01:14 AM. Reason: added trigger icon
Hugs from:
Anonymous100305, Anonymous40413, Anonymous43209, Auntie2014, cybermember, Gavinandnikki, live2ski66, Nammu, notablackbarbie, ToeJam

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  #2  
Old Mar 23, 2014, 03:37 PM
Anonymous40413
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I lost my leg two years ago when I was fifteen. It's hard, but you'll learn how to do things again. You might benefit from searching a good rehabilitation center. (for physical ailments, not addiction!)
  #3  
Old Mar 23, 2014, 03:58 PM
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eskielover eskielover is offline
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Location: Kentucky, USA
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I have found at times of major loss & trauma that for me it is best to focus on the good things in my life & what i have to live for & not putting so much value on things & looks. You wouldn't be alive still if there wasn't a purpose for your life.

Of course there is the DBT skill called radical acceptance. There are things in our life we have to accept because they just are...not good or bad or we like it or not..it just something that is part oc our life we have to learn to make the best of....while we grieve our loss & what no longer is without dwelling on it

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Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
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Thanks for this!
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  #4  
Old Mar 23, 2014, 04:24 PM
Anonymous100305
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I don't know that I have much to offer here. But I at least wanted to contribute. Several years ago I developed tinnitus (ringing & other noises in the ears.) There's really nothing that can be done for it. You just have to live with it. So, since then, my head has been full of noises that aren't there. There's no escape.

For the most part, it's not too bad. However, a while back I was having trouble with one ear feeling stopped up constantly. Long story short, an ENT put in an ear tube. All of a sudden, what had been a fairly low-grade noise exploded in my head! It was like I had a freight train running through it 24 / 7. I almost made another suicide attempt as a result of that.

Fortunately when the ear tube came out, the noise level went back down more or less to where it was before the ear tube was put in. I've learned to live with the noise in my head all of the time. I don't like it, but there's nothing I can do about it. I do worry from time-to-time, however, that at some point something will cause it to go back up to where it was while I had the ear tube. I don't think I could stand it permanently.
  #5  
Old Mar 23, 2014, 04:31 PM
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Hong Kong Fluey Hong Kong Fluey is offline
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Location: Southern UK
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Hey, this is bad and there for the grace of God go us all but you sound a wonderful person and no one will be bothered.

You are still here to post this and love is everything x
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I think in all probability you only get one life. However if you do it right, once is enough x
  #6  
Old Mar 24, 2014, 05:19 PM
Anonymous40413
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I'll give you my two tips for when the phantom pain kicks in:

1. elevate the stump/missing body parts
if it's really, really bad:
2. lie down in the most comfortable positon, preferably your back, with the stump(s)/missing body parts elevated if possible. Cover yourself with a blanket. Plug in earbuds with music that's not agitating, but especially not boring. Adjust the volume comfortably - if you usually listen to real soft music, listen louder. Try to adjust it so that you can only hear your environment if they're shouting/talking really loud to gather your attention.
Close your eyes and ride out the waves. Refuse to move - refuse to react to the pain. Refuse to move in an effort that you know won't help. Observe the pain, don't let it dominate.

It's the only thing that works when the pain is really, really bad. It'll stop you from going crazy.
Thanks for this!
iheartjacques
  #7  
Old Mar 25, 2014, 02:56 PM
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Gus1234U Gus1234U is offline
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Location: Here
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i think what breadfish is describing is a form of meditation called Calm Abiding... it's also a DBT skill called Mindfulness. it has a healing effect on the brain that can be seen with a scan, that is permanent. you can read more about it in a couple of places on PC, the Social Forums near the very bottom of the Index: Mindfulness Meditation, and Discussions of Buddhism.

i hope you can work on healing your self image while you grieve... and you may grieve a long time, off and on~
best wishes~
Gus

Amputation, whats ahead for me?
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  #8  
Old Mar 25, 2014, 03:12 PM
Anonymous40413
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Gus,
I didn't know it had a name. I discovered this technique through trial and error. I was just so fed up with the pain that I refused to move just because it was hurting, and it evolved from there.

Amp35, you may also want to consider an EMDR therapist. Both to help with the grief and to help with the phantom pain.
Good luck!
  #9  
Old Mar 29, 2014, 04:58 PM
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0w6c379 0w6c379 is offline
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Location: in a nightmare
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I'm so sorry for all you went through and losing your precious baby. It's painful to survive when your normal ways have been taken away. It's o.k. to feel sorry for YOU. That's what I say. Feel sorry all you want. No one truly knows how bad you feel to have lost all that you have. Of course you cannot do the things you once did because you are recovering from an enormous shock to your body. I will say this, in time you will be able to do everything you once did before. You may not do it the same way and it may take you longer to do things but you will find a way to manage without the toes and fingers you lost. Your beauty is still intact, your eyes, your smile, your mind. But there's no need to worry about that now. Just focus on healing and getting back to normal. In time you will see how you are progressing with every day that passes. Don't expect to much of yourself to fast. This will take time but it will come.
  #10  
Old Apr 01, 2014, 07:24 PM
skyoung skyoung is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2
Over time you will begin to regain skills. Nothing will ever be the same. You will most likely have to deal with people looking at you differently now and for some time at the beginning it will be hard. You will need a great support team, your husband, friends, doctors, therapists, support groups, forums, etc.

In our lives we are thrown challenges. I know exactly where you are with not being grateful to being alive even though your family is. You will develop strategies that help you manage the really rough days and over time the day to day things will get better.

My best advise is to be thankful for what you do have. Know it's ok to be mad and feel sorry for yourself but most importantly you want to keep positive, stay strong, and persevere.
  #11  
Old Apr 03, 2014, 12:30 PM
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Nammu Nammu is offline
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Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
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…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
Desiderata Max Ehrmann



  #12  
Old Apr 07, 2014, 09:14 PM
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Faking sane Faking sane is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2014
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 145
You're going through a lot at one time. Mourning the loss of your baby and the possibility of having any more. Surgically induced menopause. And the amputations, to boot. That's a lot for anyone to handle and just go ahead and be grateful. It's OK to be angry and disappointed and do be sure to get as much therapy both physical and mental as you can access. There must be a lot more to who you are than external beauty's or you to have come through this far. You'll probably surprise yourself with some of the adaptations you'll figure out as you go along with fewer digits, and your tenacity is a wonderful example for your little boy. I'm very sorry for your losses.

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