angry at self and feel guilty

i'm just a big hypocrite and a coward. i say things out of my mouth, then feel/act totally different on them.

i say every day of my life, i'm sure, that i want to know more! if i could just know more things would be so much better. BS! the minute i'm shared information or a memory with, i freak and don't wanna know nothin. i feel like such a coward. these insiders took this pain and i don't even want to know about it? how selfish and cowardly is that????

i need to get it together. i say i wanna know, but when it comes right down to it, it scares the hell out of me and i run. then i don't get more information in forever. then i get mad cause i don't get it. i've decided that i'm never happy...period. that sucks. it also makes t so painfully slow. ugh. i feel pretty bad about this and don't quite know what to do to change it. i don't know how to keep myself from being scared when something is shared with me that is scary, and i can actually feel those feelings. it's too much. so, wadda i do? ugh. it's as much reflex to wanna run from it as it is to breathe and blink...i can't control that reaction. then i later feel bad for it, but the damage is done for the time being.

i'm sorry, but i'm so mad at myself right now that i can barely stand it. these children here have gone thru so much and i'm afraid to even hear them? that's awful and there's no excuse for it...period.

thanks,

It's not cowardice; it's a self-defense. You know what you can handle & right now you can't handle all this stuff going on. Cut yourself some slack. You know what you can handle so don't push yourself. You recognize what you are doing, you know you want to change it, w/ that thinking, I know you can.
Love,
RhysMadison

KD, I'm not able to say much today. But I'm thinking about you and I Love ya's. Please don't be hard on yourself. Think we all do this from time to time. I know I do it. Be kind to you. Love Ya's Monty

((((((((((RhysMadison))))))))))

thank you. that is one way to look at it. yes, this is something i want to change, but truly don't know how. i don't think it's anything t can t me either. it needs to be figured out and just done, i think. whew. scary stuffs to think about.

thank you again,

kd

((((((((((((((((((( monty )))))))))))))))))))))

i know you're not doing well. are you managing today? thank you and i love you too.

kd

I react the same to new/difficult information. Thinking of you and wishing you a safe place to cope.