I Feel SO Guilty...

I just found out today that my ex brother-in-law is very sick and is going to die very soon. He found out last month that he has 3 different types of cancer ( not really sure what types ), and they are rapid moving. Right now, the doctors said he has only less than a month left to live. He's only 31.

Here's my problem. He was married to my sister for 9 years, and was a part of my life also for that period of time. Our family was very close.

But, he wasn't a very good husband to my sister. He would sleep around with other women, wouldn't hold a job for more than a few months, and hasn't been a very good father to his 2 children.

He has been divorced from my sister for 3 years and hasn't seen his children but once in that length of time. He moved to another state and wants nothing to do with them... he hasn't even paid child support or anything.

But even knowing all of that, I still feel so bad for him. I have cried about it until I don't think I can cry anymore. I feel scared for him, and it's really breaking my heart that he isn't going to get to see his children again. It's so sad that he never made peace with them. They don't even know him anymore.

I feel guilty for feeling sad about this, because he's done so many things to my sister and her kids. Should I feel this way? Is something wrong with me because I feel sorry for him? Am I crazy for crying about it? I just don't know.

Any input would be appreciated... thanks.

Jenn

Jenn, sure you can feel sorry for the poor guy. I had a similar thing with my brother-in-law only my sister never divorced him. I suspect you're mourning more for the life he could have had and can't anymore than for him, per se. When we run out of time and have things we've left for too late, that's always sad.

(((((jenn))))))))))
Your feeling caring and kindness towards another person. never feel quilty.
You maybe have forgivenen him.
Which imo is a wonderful thing.........
You care cause he still matters imo
and you are a good person! May peace find him.............

muffy

((MP)) Nothing wrong with that at all. Good or bad, he was still your "brother." I hope he'll have the strength to attempt to heal some wounds before he goes.

Jenn, compassion for another person is NEVER anything to feel guilty about. He might not have been very good to your sis and his kids, but HE has to bear the burden of that on his conscience and soul. You are reacting to his news like a human being with a loving heart.

Love, Candy

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MentalPollution said:
I feel guilty for feeling sad about this, because he's done so many things to my sister and her kids. Should I feel this way? Is something wrong with me because I feel sorry for him? Am I crazy for crying about it? I just don't know.


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Guilt and shame are such perfect masters. They push us to pain when we otherwise would rejoice...I'm so sorry Jen,,I have been there too...

The great poet Mary Oliver offered this to our relief;

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves."

It is Ok to feel the moment Jen,,it is what we do,,feel. It is right to feel,,,but don't let his sins cower you into pain.

Be there for those left behind...

IMHO.

Lenny

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jenn}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I know where you're coming from. Not too long ago my EX got really sick and most of us thought he was going to die. I felt so bad for him I even went to see him in the hospital. That's when I realized he hadn't changed one bit. It eased my conscience and I stopped worrying about him, except for his soul. We won't go into that, though.

Hubby was with me all they way. He even took me shopping to get the old fart some pjs to cover his body in the hospital. Not once did I feel guilty. I know myself and hubby knows me. I could do what I felt I had to do if not so much for my EX, then for me. My conscience is clear.

My opinion is that Perna is right. You're mourning what could have been for your his kids. Maybe he'll have time to find some peace. If not, there's nothing you can do about it.

No guilt, okay? It's not your burden to carry, Sweetheart.

You're a caring person feeling compassion for another human being. There is nothing to feel guilty about in that. And even if he was less than perfect, he was still part of your life for a period so you have a connection.

It's sad that he probably won't have the time / strength to make peace with his kids though before he goes.

--splitimage

<<<<, small intermission : Lenny , I have been reading your posts ... cool.

M P ...........

Most know I not of the religious kind .... 'cept for I believe like that you do have a book of life .
And when you stop contributing to it ,,, well ,,, end of chapter ,,, end of story .

Some things are a work in progress till the day we die.

Doesn't mean always right or perfect ,,,>>>. But trying to progress as a person ,, and what will be said about us when were gone .

I am really sorry this is happening, this is reall hard for you i am sure.

((((mentalpollution))))

Cancer Just sucks flat out! I My Mom has had it like 5 times in
Life...It not only affects the person who has it...But the people
around them and the ones in their lives....

I'm sorry to here this...It's very hard I know Ive dealt with it on many occasions...

((((Mental Pollution)))

(((((((((( Jenn ))))))))))))

You are feeling exactly the right thing....compassion for another human being is never wrong. Even when folks have done things incorrectly in life, doesn't mean that they are not worthy of feeling compassion for.

I hope you can find some peace with how you are feeling. And I hope he can find some peace before his final day on earth.

My thoughts are with you and your ex BIL and your family.


sabby

((((mentalpollution)))))))

It is ok to feel sad for him, like you said he was a part of your life for over 9 years. And even if he hadn't been feeling sad because another person is ill or hurting is a natural response. it is ok to feel this way.

Your tears are about many things, I think.

Death scares all of us and when it comes close... it's scarey and sad.
It sounds like you're very compassionate and thinking of all who are being affected by this, feeling sad for them as well.
You're right, it is very sad what happened and that now there will be no time for him to make amends; he may be feeling those same regrets also.

I think that the way you can feel compassion for him in spite of his faults, says so much about you as a person. You are a generous, compassionate, and caring person and I think that's very admirable and touching.

You don't have to feel guilty: it's okay to not like how he treated your sister and the kids at the same time as feeling sorry for his being deathly ill.

hon you should not feel guilty for being a loving caring human being. (((hugs)))

Thanks for replying, everyone. It feels good to have my feelings validated. My heart just aches for him. He's requested that none of his family come to see him... including his 2 daughters. I don't know why he'd make such a request, because I think I'd want my family and my children with me if I were in his position. But, I'm not him, and I guess he has his own personal reasons.

I don't feel so guilty anymore... thanks to all of you. It IS ok to hurt for someone else, even if they've made a lifetime of mistakes. He's still a human being, and he was a part of my life at one time. I just wish he would try to right some wrongs before he goes. I guess that's out of my hands, though. Nothing I can do. It's just so sad.

I saw this bumper sticker today:

God Bless the Whole World
No Exceptions

My grandpa died with 5 different cancers at the same time.
Just remember that everything happens for a reason.

Mental,

I know exactly what you are saying. Twelve years ago my brother in law (hubby’s sister’s husband) was diagnosed with asbestosis which was unheard of at that time. He was a world class *** to everyone.

The first time I met the man my husband and I were engaged. We went to their home for Thanksgiving dinner. My Mother in law brought several cheesecakes from a famous local baker for dessert. After dinner everyone was too full to eat of course and hubby’s younger brother and sister were bored out of their mind. You see even though the only job the man had held down was 4 years in the navy 10 years prior, the man never worked a day in his life but OWNED everything in the house. The kids 14 and 12 were not permitted to touch anything, they had a pool table and various video games and a computer, but they were HIS and the kids couldn’t touch them.

My husband took them to a video store to rent some videos so they would have something to do, and as soon as they pulled out of the driveway he said “while the kids are gone, let’s eat some of that cheesecake.” The man wasn’t even going to share dessert with them!

He was an all around ***. When he was dx, it was my in laws that travelled with him to Boston to the only doctor that was treating this type of cancer at the time. He continued being an *** until a year later when the cancer had spread so far that there was no hope left and it was only a matter of months.

Once he realized he was dying, he became … I won’t say nice, but definitely easier to be around. I had a hard time forgetting the 10 odd years of insults. He did make an effort to reach out to a certain extent, but being niceish for 9 months did not erase the 10 years of ruined family gatherings and out right insults and rude behavior. I had begun to avoid all conversation with him around year 3 and was unable to forgive him. I remember one time when he made fun of my eldest child’s speech impediment and made him cry. This is an “adult” we’re talking about, I saw his as an evil, evil human being.

Just because your brother in law is dying doesn’t change the person he is. I fully understand that we’re supposed to be compassionate human beings, but some things are unforgivable in my opinion. I never felt sorry for him, only his two small children. His oldest was 6 when he died and his youngest was 3. I was sorry for their loss and sadness, although it is my belief that they were better off without him.

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He's requested that none of his family come to see him... including his 2 daughters. I don't know why he'd make such a request,

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He may feel undeserving. It's sad that he isn't able to let anyone see him at a time when they may make him feel better.