[darkpurplesecrets]

I feel so alone yet so many within me always there, always doing, and I always have to take the responsibility for what they do. I don't want to. They are not me,they are themselves and they do things that I do not even know they are doing--yet I have to be responsible. Why?????

I do not understand. I see them. They stand away from me. I feel the pressure they put upon my eyes to see out and when they want to see what is happening or when we are in our t's office--yet, it is me that has to be the one that answers for what is done.

I know why I created them and how they came to be. They came to be so I could survive. But now I know they are not here for survival or are they?? I still need them. I do not even know them, and they are who I made them. I cry out for the pain to stop--for the time of long ago to somehow explain itself. For somehow the frames that come and go in my mind where I seem to breath one moment and stop the next to explain themselves to me.

I ask questions but somehow no one seems to want to answer at times and at others there seems to be so much chatter that my head feels as though it will expload at any given moment. So many with so much to do and me trying to put it all together to make the pieces fit into one. And fears fall as I fear I will fail someone or even more fail myself. For who am I--who belongs to this body of many?

My mind is swimming in questions and confusion, Why? Are there any answers? Will I ever find a way to put this puzzle together that never had a chance to be whole? I am scared and to admit that is hard. For I have been hiding feelings hoping they would just go away. But they are just getting stronger, voices getting louder--wanting to be heard--wondering who will listen--who will care--, and then there is just me--who is afraid that I will be forgotten somewhere in it all.

I guess I wrote all of this just to say I am scared and am here. Wondering if there is anyone out there that has any of these feelings. I did not mean to make this so long, I guess my emotions got away with me and I am sorry. I hope this makes sense for the tears falling while I was typing this.

dps

[susan888]

((((((dps)))))))

[Slick399]

(((((((((((((((DPS))))))))))))))

Slick399

[darkpurplesecrets]

Thank you susan888 for your support it means a lot.

Thank you Slick399 for your support it also means a lot.

[DLHsSystm]

darkpurplesecrets,

You have expressed your feelings with such eloquence. It is the way I feel so often. I want to read this to my T. Would you mind?

I am going to save it for myself anyway because you have so perfectly explained how I feel so often. Some of my alters feel the same way except the part about being responsible for what everyone else does. That thought doesn't even occur to them.

I don't know you well from talking to you but I feel as if I know you already.

We like the smiley with the hearts around it an a hug just doesn't seem right quite yet. Cause we don't know you so well.
Debbie50 and Mia

[Naturefreak]

I'm a good listener . Right now I just want to be heard.
Sorry for your suffering. This is Horrible. I would like to help you
if I possibly can.

[darkpurplesecrets]

DLH0702--

Thank you so much for your support. You are more than welcome to share this with your T. If anything I write can help someone else with how they are feeling or with explaining their feelings than feel free to show it to your t.

I don't know you well either but it would be nice to get to know you better. I hope that maybe I can as time goes on. Right now things are just really feeling overwhelming to me, and I feel as though I am going crazy at times within myself. Sometimes knowing there are others there and sometimes wondering where they have gone, sometimes knowing they are just waiting for me to make some sort of mistake or me lost in and between all that is going on somewhere.

Sometimes I wish someone could hear my head--just hear what is going on inside. Where it is never quiet--never left as one. On the outside I can look as though nothing is taking place--because I do not want the world to know this complicated world within me. So I hide behide myself outwardly or do I? Maybe I only think I do.

The smiley with the hearts around it is okay. I understand a hug so do not feel bad. Thank you for sharing with me, I feel better knowing someone else is out there that feels these feelings and if I can put the words to it then it is worth it.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

Babysteps09--

Thank you for your support. I am sorry that you are going through a rough time too. If you want to be heard--I will listen. And I am sure you are a good listener. I thank you that you would like to help me. I do not know really what to say. I feel very overwhelmed right now and words are not coming. I feel a fight within myself of being heard yet being quiet. Of telling yet a feeling of you cannot tell.

Voices so loud that my head hurts and there is no med that one can take to stop the pain. I feel eyes looking over eyes and a pressure that pushes against my forehead. This is where I am right now--somewhere amidst all this.

dps

But they are just getting stronger, voices getting louder--wanting to be heard--wondering who will listen--who will care--, and then there is just me--who is afraid that I will be forgotten somewhere in it all.

I would listen... I care... and "YOU" will not ever be forgotten... because your heart is shining and your inner beauty will never fade to become invisible.

/N

[Piper16]

(((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))) You write so eloquently. I wish I was able to express myself that way. You wrote just how I feel so very often. I wish I had answers for you, but they are my same questions and issues too. Sorry i can't be a help more, but know you are not alone. I would like to use your words as inspiration for my own journaling this week if it is okay. Thanks for posting this!

P

[darkpurplesecrets]

daynnight--

Thank you my friend. I know you will listen and that you care. You are always there and I am so thankful for that. I hope I would not be forgotten--whether shining inward or struggling to keep from fading away--I am reaching as hard as I can right now--with all I have. And I know you are there.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Piper16))))

Just knowing I am not alone is more help than you will ever know. Thank you for the support. I do not know you well but if my words help you in any way or inspire you then feel free to use them in your own journaling this week. That is what we are here for is to help one another along this journey and if something I say can help someone in someway then I am happy that it can. I am glad to know that I am not alone in these feelings that I have. And that is not to say that I am glad you have these feelings--I just am glad that someone else unsderstands. I hope you can express your feelings out. Take care.

dps

[Jewels]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((DPS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i hope that u r feelin better tonight...bein alone is such a scary place ta b an we have been there lots...but we will sit with u an let u know we care til u can know u r on the mend...so u r not alone durin this time in ur life...

abbi of jewels

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( darkpurplesecrets )))))))))))))))))

[multipixie9]

dps,

i do know the feelings and experiences you have shared. we are totally different people but our experiences are similar and the feelings are so human.

many times i felt my brain would explode from the pressure of feelings, words, expectations and responsibilities and nightmares and mysterious changes and disappearing memories and upset people who just want me to be what they think i am supposed to be. the more i added to my life as wife and mother the higher the pressure went until i felt like a pressure cooker with no escape valve for steam. the harder i tried the more frustrated i felt and my mind was like a kaleidoscope whirling with colors and thoughts and misery and fear and childishness and desperation and the horrible worry that i will not be able to keep up my life.

i've lived between the desires and needs of a child and the responsibilities and expectations of a woman. people around me getting angry when i forgot AGAIN or acted differently AGAIN or i got sick AGAIN. and the words and voices in my mind just got louder and more insistent...

BUT, after a long time and lots of work and many mistakes and considerable pain it got better. there are no simple and easy fixes. the things we did to survive saved our lives and sanity as small children and the same things hurt our lives as adults. dissociation and depression and anxiety have cost me friends, jobs and the love of my mate. most of the losses can be recovered from and a few precious things like my relationships with my daughters have stayed and grown better.

The words are meant to communicate but sometimes they just can't do enough to really help. I want to reassure you that you are OK and you WILL find your way through these experiences and difficulties. The way you come to resolution may not be like how I resolve mine - but we can encourage each other to hang in there.

If someone asked me at the beginning what will it be like now I could not have guessed it could be this good. I have peace now I treasure and more acceptance of myself than I ever thought was possible. The way it is inside here still is that someone is mocking me for being "pretentious" and someone else wonders if you guys will understand and someone else wants to be accepted and someone else would flip off anyone who doesn't like me. Healing seems to take a long time for people with DID. At least I am getting there. I wish you peace and healing.

Leslie and her Pixies

[darkpurplesecrets]

Jewels--

Thank you for being here and just knowing you are sitting with us helps. I appreciate your support and your willingness to stay with us, thank you. I am trying to feel better but I have to be honest and say it is hard, but I am not giving up. And I am lucky to have all of you here at PC to stand beside me. Thank you.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

fuzzybear--

Thank you my friend for being here. I know that you stand beside me and I feel safer. You mean a lot to me and you know this. I appreciate you and love you.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

multipixie9--

Thank you for taking the time to write to me and share with me some of your experiences. I know I am not alone in what I am experiencing and my thoughts and feelings--but it is good to hear that others understand what I feel.

I know what you spoke of about the feelings of being a wife and mother and the other things going on at the same time within myself and no one knew, I kept it all inside, until I too would feel that pressure build so high that I would explode within myself. No one could know what was going on as I was not allowed to tell.

I do understand that the things we did as a child to survive are not what will help us now as adults. I also know that I just got out of the abuse not very long ago, and am just now learning of things. But I hear and so appreciate what you have said, please know that.

I am trying to work on and learn of things I have never known about. The pain seems so deep and like it will never end--but I am willing to do the work I have to do. I just sometimes need to let someone know what I feel--what it feels like inside--what is going on.

I am sorry that you lost all you lost going through all this and I can say I understand in a lot of ways losing things--I too have lost alot. But I appreciate your being honest with me, it means a lot.

I thank you for the validation that I will be okay and that I will find my way through this, and that you took the time to write. You say that "words are meant to communicate but sometimes they just really can't do enough"--knowing that someone cares enough to take the time to share and let someone know there is hope--gives words a lot of meaning.

I realize that our healing may be different, but I look forward to the time when I can someday write this way and say that I feel the way you do. No everything for a DIDer may never be totally the way we would like--but it is in the working and not giving up and reaching out to one another that counts.

I thank you and I wish you continued healing and peace.

dps