[Melbadaze]

I dunno, I tend to feel that most people think that alters are about littlle gals and boys that want to play in the garden...I have one that wants to murder....

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((Melbadaze)))))))))))) I understand. So many parts are created to either repeat what they (we) have been taught or react to what has happened. T has said here that there is a part of me that is quite angry to the point of being kind of scary. She said she takes the most gentle care of her as that part is so angry and so scared and just trying to survive what she has dealt with in the childhood of this body.

Parts of us --- parts of me --- I have had things happen to me that should never ever happen to a child (as have many here). It's so hard for me to connect what happened to the body and parts of my brain to myself. Because of that, there are indeed parts that want to hurt. That wouldn't have been a safe thing to do or even react to as a child though so I guess that's why nothing was ever done except finally escaping.

That said, T said there is a part of me that doesn't have a clue about what happened to the body (as I don't for the most part). The difference between me and this part (I do not know if there are more) is that I seem to be affected by the past and have depression, etc. But that part of myself, according to T, doesn't seem to be. She is happy and ignorant of her surroundings and her past. Our conclusion is that perhaps she was formed to carry on when it was needed for me to be oblivious to the abuse so that I could continue on- with school, friends, etc. She has no knowledge of anything bad. She smiles and talks about things from that time of my life. T said she is also stuck in time, as are many of my parts.

Sometimes I read posts on here, happy posts, posts about people playing games and such. Sometimes it hurts to read them and it's confusing to me. I want so badly to be able to play, to have fun. But I don't know how and the parts of me that perhaps do, don't go on the computer. I guess even if they did, I don't know that I could tap into that feeling of joy.

I'm so sorry if you are feeling the same. I think (well, I am hopeful at any rate) we can gain that in time and therapy. Please hang in there. It's okay to post other than happy game stuff here. We understand. I think everyone here understands or at least tries to.

It's good to have you here.

[Melbadaze]

wantoheal, its so nice to have someone "WANT" to understand about this subject! Its so tiring to try and deal with it and try and conceal it and try to not be overwhelmed by it..T says this part was formed when I was about 2 or 3, shes not to sure exactly....when I broke down in therapy recently this part showed itself to her and to me for the first time...at the time it wanted to kill the part of me that was breaking down and experiencing a very early trauma...I wish it wasn't there, I wish I could be rid of it...sigh, any how, thanks for replying to me...a lot of times people back off...I can understand that, but it leaves you very lonely at a time when you already feel very lonely.

[silentandscared]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I dunno, I tend to feel that most people think that alters are about littlle gals and boys that want to play in the garden...I have one that wants to murder....

If only it was that way while l have many little girls that yes at times want to play or sometimes just want someone to sit with them cus they are so scared there are other parts where the rage and anger burns very deep. I think at first l tried to bury all the alters with their hurt and rage because it was so hard to comtemplate that these feeling even existed let alone inside of me. After a long long time in therapy it was then that the smaller alters started to show them selves and started to talk about wanting and needing to play and to write and to be with others. At first l completely ignored it all until l started to 'find myself' in the park miles and miles away from home and not knowing how, when or why l was even there. T says that the reasons for this is to get me to acknowledge that the littles were there and had their needs to. so now time is allowed for that and alot of work also happens with the hurt and rage that are locked in some of the older ones.
l am sorry for the way you are feeling but yes l too understand as Wanttoheal said ' its not all playing and gardens' but it is also ok to come here and say that its not all ok and we dont want to play
take care of yourself and know that no matter where you are within your journey there are others who come here and know and feel some of the way that you are feeling
silentones

[Eriksplus]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I dunno, I tend to feel that most people think that alters are about littlle gals and boys that want to play in the garden...I have one that wants to murder....

Five of us, including me, are that way sometimes...I understand where you're coming from...Our T wants us to go away because we are 'dangerous' and our story 'has alot of violence in it'. Humph! well, she can kiss her ***!
(Kay)Erik

It's true that is isn't all games and gardens--
But for me, some of my insiders have been working on alot of stuff and it is good for them to have an oportunity to be what they never were and have a bit of time to have little cares or worries.

A childhood without the "play" which is "work" and learning for a child has really done much to stunt emotional growth in these insiders. It is part of our therapy to allow some "fun" for those are are now able to.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by eriksplus

five of us, including me, are that way sometimes...i understand where you're coming from...our t wants us to go away because we are 'dangerous' and our story 'has alot of violence in it'. Humph! Well, she can kiss her ***!
(kay)erik

..... .

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by white_iris

It's true that is isn't all games and gardens--
But for me, some of my insiders have been working on alot of stuff and it is good for them to have an oportunity to be what they never were and have a bit of time to have little cares or worries.

A childhood without the "play" which is "work" and learning for a child has really done much to stunt emotional growth in these insiders. It is part of our therapy to allow some "fun" for those are are now able to.

I don't have that much control over parts...they are who they are...play is not in their agenda....

[possum220]

Not all games and gardens..........

Rage and anger and hate and control and fear......

[starrina]

We have a very angry alter and he is intent on hurting one of our little ones so everyone is very vigulant about this
he has done many things over the yrs things I wont go into
just remember you are not alone hun.

[multipixie9]

NO, it is not all games and gardens. There are at least 20 of my alts who were programmed to commit suicide and others born to stop the suicidal ones. We have alts with so much hurt and anger and fear and shame and horror. We have very few who have ANY games and gardens. The most of childhood they ever get is the times we can hold a teddy bear and cry. we have toys and art supplies that we can't even use and I do not know what is in place that prevents them from having most any fun at all. It SUCKS BIG BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I do understand your feelings about those who seem to have little flower children dancing around and having starry flowery experiences. I do have the ability to be glad for those who do have some fun for their littles. I just don't happen to be one of them.

Our childhood was violent, evil, perverted, ritually abused and we experienced the lowest and most vile of human depravity and I'm just glad that as gloomy as we can be we survived. If it were not for God and his help we would have never survived past 18.

I look forward to the day I can play, have joy and be light-hearted. I am so tired of me and my grimness and me and my dissociation. For today there is the tired determination to keep on keeping on until it is finished. That is the only thing I know to do and I am soo tired, but I'm just not finished.

Sorry that this shifted from your words to my own "stuff". I wish and I hope that joy, creativity and light will come to you and bless you and help to counter the deep and deadly darkness you have tried so hard to escape and heal from will happen sooner than later. Hugs if you can accept them!

Leslie and her Pixies and Teeners

[wanttoheal]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

we have toys and art supplies that we can't even use and I do not know what is in place that prevents them from having most any fun at all.
Leslie and her Pixies and Teeners

I struggle with this a lot too. While I have found that when I do allow myself time to just "space out", it helps me overall, I also have found that those are not used here either. More often, there are drawings drawn on scraps of paper and backs of envelopes rather than the beautiful notebooks and/or pages that are bought. Even if I do not remember buying the art supplies, they are still often not used. T and I discuss this periodically and are working toward being able to open the packages and/or use the supplies, but I don't know what prevents my brain from using them either.

One of the things that do seem to bring comfort though is stuffed animals. But, T gave us a couple stuffed animals and she said she was told that we couldn't use them in case they were lost or messed up. She said she told me that it would make her happy to see the bears become threadbare from use but she doesn't know if it was received. The bears often are hidden in weird places.

I'm hopeful that we all can learn to enjoy life one day. I think when we were not allowed to enjoy it as children, it's understandable that we do not know how to do it in our adult lives. We learned how to survive and be noticed the least. Playing and making messes, for me, did not fit into that survival mode. But I do think it's learnable and I'm so glad that so many here have been able to get to that point. Hopefully we all will someday.

[multipixie9]

Very well written Wanttoheal! I relate to how you are. I can't seem to give myself permission. I feel deeply INELIGIBLE for good, fun, sweet, joyous, messy, silly, SPONTANEOUS, creative, orderly safety and helping boundaries to keep my little ones feeling safe. Consistency is not in our repertoire.

For the most part I was only allowed to experience things through reading books - one step removed from reality and REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE.

DO YOU EVER SAY THINGS AND THEN INSIDE THEY ALL TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS THAT DISPROVE WHAT YOU JUST SAID? I am NOT lying or exaggerating, I am trying to find a way to put my thoughts down because something has got to change very soon or we are gonna be in a very destructive place and I WANT TO PREVENT MORE HARM TO ANYONE INSIDE, ESPECIALLY THESE MOST TRAUMATIZED TODDLERS AND SMALL CHILDREN. Someone's gotta help me save our babies so they can stop trying to die - I don't mean anyone here (though you are all SO kind and helpful)

Boy, insomnia has sure made me talk a lot. Sorry if I am TMI'ing you all.

leslie and insiders