[kimmydawn]

*************trigger content regarding death of parent/abuser*************

















when i was first dx'ed DID, i read some on it. i didn't understand alot of what i was reading, but i felt that i was my responsibility to educate myself as much as i could. i read that many ppl don't recognize DID until the death of an abuser. i never wondered what it would be like to deal with such a death though. now, i've experienced it first hand.

i want to say, first and foremost, i will not bash my father here. that's not what this post is about. i will say...he was amazing, abusive, strong, resilliant...he was my father.

prior to the surgery that ultimately took his life, i'd not seen him for at least 14 yrs. i didn't know where he was. yes, he'd tried to contact me a few times when he was drunk, but i wouldn't respond to that. i will never regret these months that i've spent with him. i got to know the man that the little girl loved as her daddy. he came back when he was ill. it was special. there is not ONE OUNCE of regret.

having said that, i will say that this post isn't about the man my father was. it's about what's happened to my in my journey with him to his death, and afterwards. this is, bar none, the most difficult thing i've experienced in my adult life.

i'm angry that i'm DID...VERY ANGRY. there's so much that i can't connect with about my father's last time, that should be mine! being DID has denied me what is mine to own and cherish. we kept a journal. most of it was just facts written down. when i read it, it's like reading a novel...not something that "i" wrote. there's no connection. I'M ANGRY ABOUT THAT.

i didn't cry excepting once, since about a week before my father passed. emotions were not something i had access to. for the first time, i felt and knew that i was standing very far back and watching my body say and do all of the right things. it didn't touch me...very rarely. i've never had that awareness before...that i know of.

i've been very hard on myself about the lack of emotion "ice queen". it feels as though emotions were being sucked from me through a vaccuum cleaner hose before i even had a chance to experience them. i'm angry about that. maybe it was a good thing for the moment...to fuction and do what i needed to to. however, when it came time for me to honor my father's death and grieve him, the emotion necessary to do that was off somewhere in a vaccuum bag.

i've been highly dissociative since the funeral. i have to go by my journal to know where i'm at on a given day. for instance, i think i'm doing fine and read the journal and know that there's been acting/talking out that i wasn't even aware of.

i was able to "tap" into some of the emotion one night. it wasn't much, but enough to justify to me that i wasn't the number one ice princess in the world. later that night, i went to bed and was lying there waiting for sleep and BOOM. i saw a recent image of my father...a definite memory. then all of the sudden the dam broke. i was flooded completely. memories, emotions and feelings washed over me like never before in my life. it was a very hard, but spiritual almost, experience.

i'm still not doing the best, but i'm much better since that night. i don't know why. i remember mostly good. the bad must be stored somewhere else.

i live in fear that some part of me is really going to act out, because i have almost no knowledge of anyone else coming "front" when they do. i haven't done this much in years.

so, this is my experience right now. i'm completely shattered, but somewhat stable. communication has all but shut down. i feel alone and scared. i fear acting out. i'm getting by.

i appreciate you all so much. there are no words to express how good it feels to know that there are ppl who know what i'm talking about and who care. the same ppl that share their experiences with me and that i can lean on when i need to share mine.

with love and respect,

[Mahali]

Oh ((((( kd )))))

What amazing strength you showed in just putting that down for us to read. I can only imagine what it was like.

I am so glad that you were able to have some healing time with your father. This is good for all i would think.

Someday kd all of those memories will be yours. They are being stored for you in a safe place until you are ready to store them yourself. I know this doesn't make it easier but they will come. They are not gone forever.

The feeling of being "flooded" with emotions is so painfull. It is in a way cleansing even with the pain but so hard. I know what you mean by the "spiritual" feeling.

Remember anger is a part of the grieving process so do not be suprised by this. It is normal and I am sure each of us here has felt anger at being DID many times over. It would only be natural.

Stay close to people who support and care about you now. Staying safe is number one goal.

It sounds like you are moving forward and this is scary but a good sign. I think.

You will continue to get better as time passes.

We are here for you and the love and respect absolutely goes both ways kd.

Take very good care of you all.

place

[h0kie]

I don't have anything helpful to add...but I am thinking of you.

(((((((((kd)))))))))) Hope things calm down soon. Take care of you.

[Kathyanita]

you enact love for us- and act out love to us. . .
we watch and see and learn from where you are through those eyes in every ones words . . .thank you

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((Kim)))))))))))))))))

Your strength and growth through your experiences amaze me. While you may not always see it and often may think you have gone backwards, I see amazing steps toward recovery. You are doing more than just being a suvivor Kim, you are an overcomer. I am blessed to know you and hope that I can learn from you.

While you see yourself at times an ice queen, I see warmth. I see a person who has had so much happen, gone through so much and yet still takes care of self and still reaches out to others.

My heart and prayers go out to you and for you Kim. Thank you for being so brave as to share this with us.

Simply said, you are amazing.

[nothemama8]

{*{*Kimmydawn*}*} you are a true butterfly, opening your delicate wings, showing us the inner beauty of something we can reach for and some day achieve
Angie

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((place)))))))))))))))))))))))) what can i say to you all? you've been my rock. you've understood and/or accepted ANYTHING i've had to say. it feels so awesome to know that i'm unconditionally accepted somewhere. i find that here.

thank you for being who you are in my life.

kd

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((1day)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you for always understanding and being supportive of me. you're a good friend to me and i appreciate you.

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((kathyanita)))))))))))))))))) thank you so much! you never judge. you're always understanding. your support is appreciated more than you know. thank you for showing me you care. i need it

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((wantto))))))))))))))))))))) what can i say? you're so special to me. you understand me so well. thank you for saying that you think i'm moving forward. it doesn't fee like it.
i think it doesn't feel like it because i actually am. does that make sense? before i wouldn't have known that i was doing badly, nevermind why. i have an awareness that i've never had. thru that awareness, i see what has broken down in all of this.

so i think i'm doing better enough to know how badly i'm doing

thank you for being you, wantto.

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((angie)))))))))))))))))))))))) what a beautiful thing to say! right now it feels like someone is pinching my wings to prevent me from flying. i'll fly again, though

thank you for ALWAYS being kind and supportive and caring.

kd

[RhysMadison]

Big hugs to you & yours! For your loss & also your findings. I think you wrote this beautifully & expressed yourself very well. You know what needs to be done, you're taking care of yourself to the best of your ability.
I wish you all the best.
Love,
RM

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

[Monty_girl]

((((((((((((((((((((((((( KD )))))))))))))))))))))))))
I really feel for you right now. I do understand. When my abuser died, my abused died at the same time. I understand how you can feel like you were an ice queen. I watched other family members around me cry and grieve at my grandfathers death. And I couldn't. I didn't have any emotions. It took me a year to feel his death. My grandfather was burried on valentine's day and the first year after his death is when it all hit me hard. I couldn't remember any of the bad things, just the good things about him. I felt so bad about not being able to grieve his death at the time. But just remember that DID does take care of you. It lets you deal with things when you are ready to deal with them. Don't get down on yourself for getting angry at the DID. If we didn't get angry or upset about it, then we would never seek therapy to change it. Isn't that the reason we are in therapy to begin with, to over come the DID? I'm glad to see you posting again. We are all here for you. I hope that you can find some peace and quiet now. ( hey and don't forget, it's OK to get mad and angry, it's an emotion too and healthy to have, words from me T ) Take your time and do what you need to do for yourself. You are the most important person to yourself. I Love Ya, Monty

[kimmydawn]

thank you ((((((((((((((rhysmadison))))))))))))))))

i needed to hear that.

kd

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))))))))) thank you for always being here for me.

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((monty)))))))))))))))))) thank you so much. you know me better than anyone. you know what i need to hear. bless you.

kd

kd,

for someone who is usually the together person(s) for other ppl now is a time for you to find out what that is like.....time for you to let go just a bit and continue allowing whatever emotions need to come out to come out. I hear your fear about the acting out. I thnk this is a time when folks around you in life need to cut some tremendous slack and let what happens happen.

You have so many memories all mixed up together in there it is no wonder the confusion going on.

Sounds like the yo yo time of things with sudden moods and then just as suddenly total lack of emotion too.

Keep on keepin' on sweetie. No one is asking you to be back to speed or on your best game. We'll give you a day or two....

(((kd))) what a long draining emotional journey you've just returned from. welcome back and take your time please.

[wisewoman]

Hi Kimmy, sorry it's been such a confusing and difficult time. I hope it gets better day by day.

Kimmy, i hope that as time goes by and you process more, you will receive all of the calm and grace that you deserve.....xoxo pat

[nightdream]

(((((((((((((((((Kimmy)))))))))))))))))

nightdream