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#1
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It hurts so much to have sx of PTSD, it hurts so much to have parts. little things are so scary and people don't understand. we have to live in the reality of everyone else's world and not have the mind to do it- then we're blamed for being hurt. We don't have a 'right' to be hurt.
Example- today my h shut the light off when i was downstairs. our cellar is very scary to parts- and i have the kind of DID where there's a lot of conflict- the worst person possible will be there when things like that happen. we don't have a happy club inside where everyone is co-operating and happy to help. So we're afraid because the light suddenly gets turned off when we're down there in the cellar. Then say "Don't shut the light off on me." H is instantly angry. Somehow it's my fault. So i'm hurt because it was so dark and scary and hard to walk up the stairs and i'm hurt because h is angry and then he has to add another word picture that's terrifying because he's having a bad day. Now i have to deal with that, and h says "You make too much of it." We didn't make anything equal to the fear and pictures in our head about it. Now we have to go to work - where my boss was yelling yesterday and it's so hard to do anything right in the 115 degree heat. i can't leave my house until i feel better- it's so hard to get ready when i'm being attacked and no one cares. i wish someone would know how it feels to have to live like this- i wish h would care and not be constantly angry for hurting me. Everything is so unfair, it's so hard to live. i just wish someone would care and feel badly enough about hurting me to stop. thank you reading, kerria |
#2
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People do care even though it's hard to believe sometimes. The fact that h is being this mean to you, you shouldn't take it try to get away from h if he keeps making you feel bad about yourself, when your not! I'm kind of scared of the dark and I sometimes leave the door open where there light in the hall way. Still none of this is your fault! You need a break any way. Peole do still the world differently I know but you just have to go with the flow. {{{{{{{kerria}}}}}}}
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#3
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I am feeling much concern for you and wonder why you stay in such an unsafe place??? I hear much talk of you not wanting to live. I am much concerned. Please find a safe place. There must be a safe place for you. I feel quite scared for you. Please find someone that can make you safe.
Anyia |
#4
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Kerria,
I hope you are ok. I understand how difficult it is. If you need to talk please feel free to pm me. Take care now. place
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#5
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Kerria,
I'm sorry you are hurting. Please know we hear you and care. Petunia |
#6
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we too wish your h was nicer to you and that you had some places of safety to recharge and allow your inside parts their time and space.
we wish your h would care and not be angry with you as well. please know that even though it is hard to live that living is worth it. if others have been able to find workable paths through this I believe that you and yours can as well. i do not say that lightly to you and yours but in recognition of your hard work and your determination in keeping at this and making the changes that will ultimately allow your parts a better chance at harmony. you've been doing this work we just need to find you more avenues of support to help you continue doing this work. there is no failing on your parts at all!! this is gritty stuff that most are afraid to get near. I believe your parts will find their ways with gentle support. |
#7
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Thank you so much Miss A, White iris, Place, Petunia and __zh.
Yesterday i got very sick at work while planting a large flower bed outside from 10:30 to 3:30 when work ends. It was so hot and we were so engrossed into the complicated planting plan - forgot to drink enough water and take breaks. When we came home - i could barely drive, it felt like i was going to pass out, went to bed. i couldn't recover from the heat and had a very bad headache that turned into a migraine. The pain was so bad and couldn't hold anything down. My h was there for me- he helped me and took me to the hospital and even stayed. i was so thankful because it was so scary there. i never was so sick before- they had me get another CAT scan. There was a bad reaction to Torol (it sounded like that), an anti inflamitory medicine they gave me. It really felt like i was going to die- my heart was racing so fast and the vomiting so bad i couldn't breathe. it felt so terrible. Then that was an emergency. After about 30 minutes of that, of being on all the monitors and EKGs it became better and they had me stay until about 2am. i'm so thankful to be alive. It felt like i was going to die. This morning my face is so swollen that it doesn't look like me and head hurts but i'm thankful God gave another chance. It's so hard to live with me- my h was there for me in the emergency. It would be hard for anyone to live with me. i wish it wasn't and i'm trying so hard now to be better, to get better. i need to get serious with therapy, it's a life and death issue for me now. Thank you all so much for being there. Love, kerria |
#8
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Wow you were so brave and your h was there for you, so many you should stick with him and try to inprove the faults in your relationshop. Because no relationship is ever perfect, got to work at 'em. You should have loads of sun cream took a break under shade and drink plenty of water. I hope you ok now. {{{{{{{{Kerria}}}}}}}}}} Take it easy now in a couple of days.... Flower bed is a flower bed.
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#9
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<font color="purple"> Hello. I do not like being sick. All the time being sick. I know what you mean be cause other people do not know any thing like we do. Buuuut now I do not have to do sick be cause I let a grown up do it. can you let some body else be sick for you? jj.
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