[AtreyuFreak]

I've been seeing a PTSD specialist for over a year. I told her I was DID a couple months ago. She doesn't believe me, but she won't admit it: she just says, "I don't not believe you". WTF does that mean, anyway?? I don't understand this; it's one thing if she doesn't believe in DID at all, but that's not what she's telling me. For chrissakes, she's met 3 of my alters! (that she knows of...these are the only 3 to admit to being someone other than me) She even watched me switch yesterday, which I'm not at all comfortable with. I'm past the point of getting her to believe me. And besides this, she wants to tell my parents! She wants to tell my parents about something she really doesn't believe I have. How the hell does that make sense? Both Rylie and Remy (the two that were out when I saw her yesterday) vehemently refused to let her tell them. Rylie said to tell them that my problems with dissociation are getting in the way of making any further progress with PTSD, where I've reached a plateau in therapy (if that makes sense). I'm still paranoid she'll try and pull something, so even when she tells them what I told her to say, I'll be in the room at all times.

We both agree that it's in my best interest to see someone else, preferably someone with more experience with Dissociative Disorders. But I still have to see her for several months (two at least, but possibly up to 5). Since I'll be moving 45 minutes away for college, I'll need to switch T's anyway, to find someone closer, but it might not be until school starts in September (because of stupid insurance ). I just want it to be over! The BPD in me says, screw waiting 2 months. She said we're over, so why can't we be over NOW?

Right now I feel she's doing more harm than good (which I told her). I have half a mind to just stop seeing her. She's creating inner turmoil, and furthering the fear that many of my alters have that we're not believed. I don't know what to do right now. I don't want to completely discredit all she's helped me with as far as PTSD and coping skills because of this, but I don't want to ignore it or take it too lightly. This is upsetting to me! I feel like absolute s*** after each session, and I need an hour on PC to calm me down (online therapy for issues from real therapy for issues...huh...)!

Let me know what you think. I'm pretty torn, but right now I HATE going to see my T. It's like I'm being violated every time I'm there...I almost feel like it would be better for me to stop therapy until I can find a new T than to keep going back to her. Is this just one bad session or should I take it as seriously as my alters want me to (sorry if that sounded...strange...)?

[AShadow721]

This doesn't sound strange at all. I think your alters are the ones holding the pain and anger of your abuse and that is why you feel violated. Your alters are also feeling neglected and emotional abused, since someone is saying that they don't even exist. You definitely do need to switch Ts. Your T should be understanding. Maybe this T just doesn't know enough about DID. She obviously can't help you if she can't acknowledge one of your "disorders", or doesn't have enough knowledge about it. Idk if you should just cut it all off before you get a new T. I have many times just stopped seeing a T, because I didn't think he/she was helping me, or I wanted to stop and not open up about my abuse. That may also be why you want to stop. Ask yourself some questions. Is it really the T you don't trust, or is it just that you are afraid to tell your story and you're just getting angry at your T, focusing on all the things she hasn't helped you with to make you "hate" her, to push yourself even more away from her, so that you DON'T even have to tell your story? If the first is the case, you shouldn't be seeing your current T (you HAVE to take that risk to trust them in order to go anywhere in therapy) and you should not feel in anyway obligated or forced to tell your story. A good T will know when you need more time. Obviously, she's been very patient since it's been a year and you haven't discussed it. If the second is the case, just relax, your T will let you take you time and you should stay the next two months with her. But definitely don't tell your your whole story if you're leaving, because then she won't be able to help you learn how to cope with bring up those memories and how to work through them so that you can recover. Another question you need to ask yourself is can you make it on your own while looking for a new T? It's not the best idea to just go T-less. I think you are getting upset, because you have started to think about telling her about the abuse. If she is a good T, other than the fact that she doesn't think you have DID, then why not try to focus on other issues, besides your DID and the abuse for the two months while you are waiting? Don't make a rash decision while you're mad. Calm down, relax, take a breath, think about if your leaving your T is the best option for you. If she really is that bad and is making you worse, what else can you do while you wait, if you do decide to stop seeing her to keep yourself from breaking down? Why don't you try making a list of pros and cons about your T and if there are more cons than pros, make your decision then.

[AtreyuFreak]

Originally Posted by AShadow721

Is it really the T you don't trust, or is it just that you are afraid to tell your story and you're just getting angry at your T, focusing on all the things she hasn't helped you with to make you "hate" her, to push yourself even more away from her, so that you DON'T even have to tell your story?

Aright, I'll admit to this. I have thought about this. I do have self-sabotoging tendencies, especially if it's done in self-protection (like in dating, dumping them before they dump you). I don't think it's so much that I'm angry with her, it's more that I've already cut all emotional ties to her in preparation for being let down (if that makes sense).

But definitely don't tell your your whole story if you're leaving, because then she won't be able to help you learn how to cope with bring up those memories and how to work through them so that you can recover.

I really don't think there's that much to tell. I've already written down as much as I can force myself to remember, and it's in the very basic, factual form. It would take like one session to tell her these things, and then she could dissect my thoughts or do whatever it is that she does for the other two months.

Another question you need to ask yourself is can you make it on your own while looking for a new T?

I don't know the answer to this one. I really don't. The fact that it would be summer kinda makes it seem like it'd be easier, but that would be ignoring the fact that during the summer, I have to find an apartment and a job near where I'll be going to school in the fall. I just really don't know anything right now, that's (I guess) why I'm trying to have others help me dissect my jumbled thoughts.

It's not the best idea to just go T-less.

This just sounds funny in a kinda perverted way.

[Elysium]

Maybe she says that she "doesn't NOT believe you" because she knows that she doesn't have the appropriate experience to diagnose dissociative disorders or pass judgments on your experience. Maybe she is trying to avoid invalidating you, but because she isn't giving you 100% validation, which it sounds like she can't, this is causing the inner turmoil and pain?

I wouldn't want an inexperienced T diagnosing me or passing judgment on me. I would want to know that the T providing the assessment and diagnosis had the proper experience to be doing so.

Hang in there. Does it really matter what someone else calls it? Regardless of what name you give it, these are still your perceptions and experiences. A label will not take that away from you or change that. Don't get me wrong...I understand needing and wanting that validation but it's really about being comfortable in your own skin. You don't need anyone's permission to be who you are.

Try and go with the flow. I know it's hard. Get a proper eval from an experienced T. Do the testing and the interviews, then go from there. Dissociative disorders are on a continuum...within a spectrum that includes not only BPD, but PTSD as well as DDNOS and DID. Try and remember that it's not necessarily about the label as much as it is about where you fall on the spectrum. Once you and an experienced T can pinpoint where you fall, then you can work on acceptance of your diagnosis.

Good luck to you and take care.

[AShadow721]

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

I don't know the answer to this one. I really don't. The fact that it would be summer kinda makes it seem like it'd be easier, but that would be ignoring the fact that during the summer, I have to find an apartment and a job near where I'll be going to school in the fall. I just really don't know anything right now, that's (I guess) why I'm trying to have others help me dissect my jumbled thoughts.

Since you know you're going to have some stress with finding an apartment and a job and preparing for school, I think you should have a T during this time. That extra support would be really helpful and help you feel less anxious about those three big changes in your life.

I hope you got a laugh from my T-less half joke lol.

[anderson]

(((Atrayu))))
You know what your pressure points are. Now if you can go to your T and be honest that you need to let these areas go until you feel stronger maybe that will help you take of some stress. It seems that you should be of an age that you can ask for client confidentally. Just be honest with the T tell the person that any interaction with your family is a major stress and ask her to leave it alone. And by the way we know it from alot of years of exsperance that when we are in turmiol on the inside we all come out looking for surport on our point of veiw on the inside. In that area you are totally normal to us.
Safe hugs from all of us.
And no you are not alone in the way you feel.

[AtreyuFreak]

I'm 17, so unfortunately I'm still on my parents' insurance...its better than no insurance at all though

Originally Posted by anderson

(((Atrayu))))
You know what your pressure points are. Now if you can go to your T and be honest that you need to let these areas go until you feel stronger maybe that will help you take of some stress. It seems that you should be of an age that you can ask for client confidentally. Just be honest with the T tell the person that any interaction with your family is a major stress and ask her to leave it alone. And by the way we know it from alot of years of exsperance that when we are in turmiol on the inside we all come out looking for surport on our point of veiw on the inside. In that area you are totally normal to us.
Safe hugs from all of us.
And no you are not alone in the way you feel.

[Crew]

((((Atreyu)))) I can really add anything that would be of help other than

You have our support. Only from what we have seen usually the T likes to diagnose a person versus the person diagnosing themselves. Does that make sense?

In no way am I pointing my thumb at you but just what I've seen in general when patients/clients self diagnose themselves versus the doctor or T.
we'll be quiet now, yeah right lol Hang in there and keep asking questions. Take care Crew

[AtreyuFreak]

Crew: We understand this completely. We'd think the same thing, and be much more suspicious of our "self-diagnosis" had it not been suggested first by another therapist. While it was not an official diagnosis, it proves that I wasn't "seeking out" a label or something. Does that make sense? And even after it was suggested, I didn't believe it until I started coming here, when the time loss (which, along with different handwritings, was one of the symptoms that first gave that therapist the idea), along with other things, got much, much worse.

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

I'm 17, so unfortunately I'm still on my parents' insurance...its better than no insurance at all though

Just because you are on your parent's insurance plan does not mean you sacrifice your right to confidentiality. You still have the right to have your info be private.

I'm not sure what your State law says, but typically at 17 most states will hold up the confidentiality rights. If she says anything to your parents it is most likely going to be what's called a HIPPA violation.

HIPPA is an act that was passed that protects a patient's right to confidentiality and privacy. Let your T know that you would view her disclosing info to your parents as a violation of HIPPA and a violation of your rights. Let her know she does not have your permission to disclose your health info. That way it is clear and she knows that you are serious.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Atrey))))

Just thinking of you and wanted to say that I am sorry you are having to go through this. The fact of pushing her away from having emotional ties or any other connection so that they do not have the chance to push away first is understandable and also something that we have done and do. If somehow we can make it our fault so that when they leave or go away it is something we did then it is somehow something we can deal with better than giving them the opportunity to walk away first.

I know that this is hard for you and I think you need to do what is best for you. I do think with all you have coming up that having that support is important. But only you know how much you can handle. I think Elysium said something when she talked about your t not wanting to invalidate you. I really do not know. But you know how it is for you and what is going on within yourself.

Know that we are here for you and we will walk with you as you find your way. I hope that when you move you will find someone that you will feel comfotable with and who will validate all of you. We care and we are listening. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Perna]

I think it's hard when we see things as all or nothing to remember and hold that there are "middle" grounds and ways of seeing things that we can't yet understand. "I don't not believe you" sounds like one of those to me :-) When I don't understand something my T says, I just think to myself, "okay" and put it aside, figuring it's like that piece of a puzzle that doesn't yet fit anywhere but which I know will, some day :-)

"I don't not believe you" sounds like a tree or grass whose roots are holding soil back from being washed into the river; it's not a wall or something built to help hold the soil back but it's also not something that is working on the other side, with the rain, to erode my soil :-)

I would try to hang loose for the next few months, consolidate what things you have learned since seeing this T and figure out with her how she can help bolster you all's ground with the literal move/school going that's coming up and then move forward from a firmer base you will have made.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

I'm 17, so unfortunately I'm still on my parents' insurance...its better than no insurance at all though

I was a minor when I first got into therapy and had to deal with my parents having to know everything too. even now at the crisis center we see some teenagers and we have to inform the parents, because though there is HIPPA and HIPAA privacy laws those laws dont provide under age 18 confidentiality against parents and guardians. Each state has laws that say parents and guardians that are responsible for making medical and mental health decisions about their kids must be completely informed of the problem, and treatment options so they can make the appropriate and informed decisions about their kids health. the privacy laws cant bypass a parents and guardians parental rights without the kid going to court and being declared emancipated minor capable of making their own informed mental and physical health decisions.

But my therapist and I found a way around my parents having to be completely informed. we had a meeting my parents, my therapist and I. we made a kind of contract They would give me my privacy BUT there were certain things they needed to be notified like suicide. that was top of their list. After that it was easier. my therapist knew she didnt have to tell them everything. they just wanted to know I was safe and not going to off myself.

Maybe you can have a meeting like that where you and your therapist can talk to your parents about you needing some privacy and decision making rights and you all can agree on what is necessary for your parents to know and what you and your therapist can handle on your own.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Atreyu)))

How are you doing? Just thinking about you and hoping all is going okay. Know that you are in our thoughts. Wanted you to know we care. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[AtreyuFreak]

I'm okay. Despite any personal feelings, I've resolved to print out my post in the Survivors of Abuse forum, so she at least has something to work with. Finally getting it out has helped to desensitize me to it, at least a little. And besides, this is what she does. She works with abused kids for a living. She's got to be able to do something, even if it's just listening and giving basic emotional support. It might be difficult because there's those parts that are pushing away from her with all their might, but I've just got to do it. No harm in trying, right?...Right???

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

((((Atreyu)))

How are you doing? Just thinking about you and hoping all is going okay. Know that you are in our thoughts. Wanted you to know we care. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Atreyu))))

I think that copying the post in survivors is a great idea. And no, it cannot hurt to reach out to t. She will listen to you and it might help her to understand what sometimes we cannot seem to say. So many times we take in our writing as t thinks that it is the way to best let him know what is taking place.

So many times we will get there and then words seem to freeze up and if it were not for what we write then no one would know. Sometimes how ever you can get it out is what is best. With what you wrote it will give a step into what needs to be addressed and it gives an opening for you to start from or questions for her to ask.

Atreyu, you are doing just what you need to do. Trust yourself and your system. Finding ways to trust is the beginning of being able to open that communication within so that they can see that we are trusting them too. It takes time but it also takes all parts including you to open that door to communicate.

Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. We care and are here for you and listening. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[(JD)]

I'm coming in a bit late on this thread.... but I definitely would not allow this T to share any further information with your parents. She is correct in her assessment of her own inabilities to take you any further in your therapy. I agree with you that she may hinder you if therapy proceeds "as normal."

However, yes, she can assist you with basic support in coping during this time of change for you. Whether she believes in DID or not, or is just still coming to a decision about it (maybe she has to answer to someone who insists DID never be accepted?) doesn't matter when it comes to the support she is to give as a therapist!

Maybe really good therapists are still on the fence about this disorder, and unless they irritate the patient, like your T has, they can generally help the patient to healing. It isn't supposed to be about the T, it's all about the patient! Your T seems to have found her limit and is showing her frustration in not being sure what is best for you? IDK.

Yes, seek out a new T in the other area, one that is expert in PTSD AND DID. (There are those who are DID without suffering PTSD ... )

This T has lost your trust, and you owe her nothing. I doubt you should share anything further with her, unless all of you feel safe doing so. But again, I would definitely put it into writing and sign it that she is not to share any such information with your parents, just so she's sure.