I just met someone with DID

Not long ago I starting IM'ing w/ a young guy who I met through a general message board. Pretty quickly I realized someone was different about him, because he talked of feeling that he was alien. We began talking on the phone and he told me that a man was telling him things to ask me. I was confused, but not frightened.

He told me the man wanted to speak to me. I said that would be fine and my friend then told me to not be frightened because the man would have a different voice. I said ok, and his alter began to speak to me. I was amazed at how it sounded like a total different person.

The alter was the dominate personality and told me that he controls my friend. I became confrontational and told him to leave. Bad idea. The more I told him to leave my friend alone, etc the less he let my friend talk to me. The conv was LONG and intense. I ended up hanging up on the alter, after telling him I would if he didn't let me talk to my friend.

The next day I did research (I originally thought he was schizophrenic) and through more research realized he probably has DID.

I spoke to my friend and told him I would treat both him and the alter the same (he asked me how I was planning on dealing with the situation) and later I spoke to both him and the alter. I apologized to the alter and he seemed to be satisfied.

The last few days my friend has been very tired, but he told me that the alter hasn't returned. Realistically, I know the alter will eventually return.

I would like any advice on how to proceed with this relationship, as I won't be meeting him anytime soon, if ever. (I am in a relationship)

Thanks.

I think you should just be nice to everyone. That sounds like the best thing to do. You will cause real trouble for the other person if you start to take sides.

audrey is definitely right that taking sides will cause internal and external conflict for the young man if he is in fact, DID. Does he know that he is a multiple, i mean, has he been diagnosed with such? because if he hasn't, then telling him he has DID could open a pandora's box. Proceed with caution. there is little you can do for him and i can't really help you know more of what to do until i have more info. Just proceed carefully and treat any and all possible alters with the respect every human deserves. PM me if you feel like talking more or if you need more help and maybe with more info i can help more. Good luck!

-shadow

I suggest not getting further involved. Maybe ya' better just cool it. This does not sound wise. Not wise at all.

IMHO, Dottie

People with DID are just that, people with DID. I would suggest not putting a label on this person as our suspicions are just that, suspicions. Once in a while I find myself thinking, "well that person sounds like they have ____" but realistically, I am not qualified to make a diagnosis, no matter how much research I may do.

If you are interested in being this person's friend, then act normally. No one wants to be treated differently because they might be different.

HTH

yes I agree

Seems like you have answered your own question here.
mlyn

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audrey1 said:
I think you should just be nice to everyone. That sounds like the best thing to do. You will cause real trouble for the other person if you start to take sides.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is my plan of action right now. Even the night I first spoke to the alter, I realized he was my friend ~ just another part of him.

I do have a preference for my "original" friend, and he understands that...but I will try and treat them equally.

Thanks for your help, audrey1.

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shadowdancer said:
audrey is definitely right that taking sides will cause internal and external conflict for the young man if he is in fact, DID. Does he know that he is a multiple, i mean, has he been diagnosed with such? because if he hasn't, then telling him he has DID could open a pandora's box. Proceed with caution. there is little you can do for him and i can't really help you know more of what to do until i have more info. Just proceed carefully and treat any and all possible alters with the respect every human deserves. PM me if you feel like talking more or if you need more help and maybe with more info i can help more. Good luck!

-shadow

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

One of the first messages the alter told my friend to tell me was that he "wasn't schizophrenic." My friend told me near the end of our very lengthy conv that I did well for the first meeting. He told me that some people laugh at him. I cried my eyes out. Thank goodness after thinking the next day and doing some research I pulled myself together!

I don't know if he's been diagnosed. I asked him the next day if he took his medication, and he told me he doesn't take any. I said maybe it would help, and he responded that he doesn't need help.

He also talks of his alter as "a guest," and as he put it, "an unwelcome guest, but a guest nonetheless."

I spoke w/ him last night and he told me he has been "together." He referred to it before as being "intact."

I will proceed with care and caution, that is why I am here seeking advice. Thanks for the offer to pm, I may do that when I have personal info that may be too intense for the board.

Thank you so much for your help, shadowdancer!

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dottie said:
I suggest not getting further involved. Maybe ya' better just cool it. This does not sound wise. Not wise at all.

IMHO, Dottie

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

May I ask why that is your opinion? I don't know if I can do that at this point, simply because I feel a connection to him and I don't want to.

Thanks for your advice, dottie. I will consider it.

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Petunia said:


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I hear you , Petunia. Thanks for your compassion.

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1dayatatime2 said:
People with DID are just that, people with DID. I would suggest not putting a label on this person as our suspicions are just that, suspicions. Once in a while I find myself thinking, "well that person sounds like they have ____" but realistically, I am not qualified to make a diagnosis, no matter how much research I may do.

If you are interested in being this person's friend, then act normally. No one wants to be treated differently because they might be different.

HTH

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You're right of course. I will be his friend, and I certainly am not judging him. I would like to understand what I am dealing with (for use of a better way to put it) only because I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt him.

Thanks you for your input, 1day.

Broken Wing,

I'm going to apologize up front for this post. I don't mean to be disrespectful or hurt your feelings, but if I don't say this is will fester.

My tears were not born of compassion for your situation. It's not that I don't have any, I know how scary this must be for you, but at the time my tears were self-centered.

My tears were born from frustration, fear and a deep sadness. When I read your title, I just met someone with DID my reaction, and it was probably because my little one's feelings got in the way, but I read it as I just met someone with leprocy. (or some other "insert fear here"

The post that followed with the warning not to get involved, well I just felt horrible. Like it was written about me and no one should ever get involved.

Please, you did nothing wrong. I am not writing this to make you feel bad, or for everyone to jump in and rally, I just wanted to share how I felt at the moment.

It just didn't feel right for me to take thanks for compassion when the tears were for something else, but it also didn't feel right to point it out. So I struggled but decided to fess up in the end.

I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. It was not my intent.

Petunia

Hello Broken_Wing,

It will be up to you to determine how much time and effort you wish to invest into this online friendship.

Although you are not the S.O. of this person reading this link The Manual ---The Significant Other's Guide to Dissociative Identity Disorder compiled by Jeff Vineburg or downloading a zipped copy of this file (98k) could be helpful in better understanding an outsiders perspective of DID.

Toward the bottom of the page he lists some online resources and a good book list.

Remember to keep your own boundaries strong and make sure your needs are met before you reach out in friendship to someone in need.

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Petunia said:
Broken Wing,

I'm going to apologize up front for this post. I don't mean to be disrespectful or hurt your feelings, but if I don't say this is will fester.

My tears were not born of compassion for your situation. It's not that I don't have any, I know how scary this must be for you, but at the time my tears were self-centered.

My tears were born from frustration, fear and a deep sadness. When I read your title, I just met someone with DID my reaction, and it was probably because my little one's feelings got in the way, but I read it as I just met someone with leprocy. (or some other "insert fear here"

The post that followed with the warning not to get involved, well I just felt horrible. Like it was written about me and no one should ever get involved.

Please, you did nothing wrong. I am not writing this to make you feel bad, or for everyone to jump in and rally, I just wanted to share how I felt at the moment.

It just didn't feel right for me to take thanks for compassion when the tears were for something else, but it also didn't feel right to point it out. So I struggled but decided to fess up in the end.

I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. It was not my intent.

Petunia

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Hi Petunia,

No need to apologize! I'm sorry I misunderstood the tears, but it makes sense why you felt so upset. By saying I met someone with DID, I didn't mean that I met someone with a disease that I am frightened of ... just that it's a disorder that I don't understand. It's MY problem, not his.

I have no intention of turning my back on this friend, I feel more close to him than ever. I suffer from chronic mild depression, and see a psychiatrist so I understand the stigmas of mental illness. I would never judge anyone for being affected by mental problems.

I am glad that you were able to make clear your feelings, and in no way did you hurt my feelings. As a matter of fact, you made me feel really good. It's nice to see how thoughtful and caring you are. I wish you peace and happiness in your life.

Thanks so much for being you.

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__zh said:
Hello Broken_Wing,

It will be up to you to determine how much time and effort you wish to invest into this online friendship.

Although you are not the S.O. of this person reading this link The Manual ---The Significant Other's Guide to Dissociative Identity Disorder compiled by Jeff Vineburg or downloading a zipped copy of this file (98k) could be helpful in better understanding an outsiders perspective of DID.

Toward the bottom of the page he lists some online resources and a good book list.

Remember to keep your own boundaries strong and make sure your needs are met before you reach out in friendship to someone in need.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well, I am following my heart for now...and it feels right to remain friends with him. Thank you very much for the links, I will read them as soon as I finish answering the latest posts!

Would you mind expanding on what you mean by "keeping your own boundaries strong?"

Thanks for the advice, I truly appreciate it!

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Broken_Wing said:
Well, I am following my heart for now...and it feels right to remain friends with him. Thank you very much for the links, I will read them as soon as I finish answering the latest posts!

Would you mind expanding on what you mean by "keeping your own boundaries strong?"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"></font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Broken_Wing said:I would like any advice on how to proceed with this relationship, as I won't be meeting him anytime soon, if ever. (I am in a relationship) 08/10/05

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">well.....we have a couple questions back for you. firstly what about this online friendship has drawn you to talking on the phone when you are already in a relationship? we wonder what level of friendship you are seeking with this person. is your partner comfortable with your online friendships that progress to a phone friendship? some people have no issues with their partner's online activities and friends........others are concerned and a bit jealous. just checking where you're at in regard to this.

about keeping your own boundaries? that means that you really take a look at how much time and energy you are willing and able to give to a friend in this kind of situation. you mentioned having an uncomfortable phone conversation with an alter who you ended up hanging up on. that sounds very challenging and frightening. what would you do if his behaviour continued to become more bizarre? how invested are you in being friendly to this man when at times it causes upset?

you started another thread asking about time and ask this question </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Broken_Wing said:Am I being too emotional in thinking he is avoiding me? 08/11/05

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> that could be related to your level of self esteem and your personal sense of self. if you worry when you think someone is avoiding you when it is merely a sx of the disorder then we have concerns about whether or not this is a healthy friendship for you to continue on with.

we applaud your seeking information to learn more about the disorder. we hope you find a middle path that leaves you w/o worry and stress and with the ability to be a friend to your friend.

best wishes,
__zh

with _zh

I have some thoughts on keeping good boundaries while interacting with anyone we meet through online contact:

As we communicate with someone online and via phone, we can ask ourselves if we would interact this way in person with them. Would we have them in our home? How much time would we spend with them if we met at the mall, at a bar?

I especially mean this in regards to difficult challenging interactions. Do we allow folks to get away with more when we are online, do we lose sight of our boundaries?

Online communication can have the thrill of the unknown and different, the dramatic. So important to remember that we still very much have to take excellent care of ourselves.

For me, I want to remember this, these are lessons hard learned. Why would I allow someone to be extra snippy to me, or mean, or scary, or confusing........just because we are online or on the phone? Does their diagnosis or mine mean that automatically I am suddenly not allowed to have full boundaries?

People play cruel games sometimes online. The internet is still somewhat the wild wild west. All the more vital to be alert and aware.

Sarah

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__zh said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
well.....we have a couple questions back for you. firstly what about this online friendship has drawn you to talking on the phone when you are already in a relationship?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The online friendship began innocently, through a common interest message board. I wasn't pursuing anything other than conversation and friendship with this incredibly intellectual person.

When we first talked, it was like I connected on a spiritual level and he felt the same way. It may sound silly or romantic to some people, but we immediately felt as if we already knew each other.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
we wonder what level of friendship you are seeking with this person. is your partner comfortable with your online friendships that progress to a phone friendship? some people have no issues with their partner's online activities and friends........others are concerned and a bit jealous. just checking where you're at in regard to this.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The relationship I am in is not a particularly happy one, so my straying from it to be close to my online friend isn't something that is totally surprising. Sometimes one reaches out to another if they feel a connection.

My partner does not know about the online friendship.

I am not excusing my behavior, just explaining where I am at at this time.

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about keeping your own boundaries? that means that you really take a look at how much time and energy you are willing and able to give to a friend in this kind of situation. you mentioned having an uncomfortable phone conversation with an alter who you ended up hanging up on. that sounds very challenging and frightening. what would you do if his behaviour continued to become more bizarre? how invested are you in being friendly to this man when at times it causes upset?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The conv with an aggressive alter did not frighten me, it frustrated me because I had no undertanding of DID. All I knew was what I had seen in movies, such as Sybill. That is why I came here to ask advice.

As for the time and energy involved, I will invest all the time and energy I can. I feel that we two have met for a reason, and I care very much for him. There is no way I would abandon him at this point, and he knows that.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
you started another thread asking about time and ask this question </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Broken_Wing said:Am I being too emotional in thinking he is avoiding me? 08/11/05

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> that could be related to your level of self esteem and your personal sense of self. if you worry when you think someone is avoiding you when it is merely a sx of the disorder then we have concerns about whether or not this is a healthy friendship for you to continue on with.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Excellent points. I do have issues with insecurity but as I read this board and talk to my friend more I realize that he is losing time and it isn't a case of avoidance on his part. I understand and support him, and wait for when he is ready to talk.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
we applaud your seeking information to learn more about the disorder. we hope you find a middle path that leaves you w/o worry and stress and with the ability to be a friend to your friend.

best wishes,
__zh

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks for the best wishes, and your thoughts. They are much appreciated.

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SarahL said:
with _zh

I have some thoughts on keeping good boundaries while interacting with anyone we meet through online contact:

As we communicate with someone online and via phone, we can ask ourselves if we would interact this way in person with them. Would we have them in our home? How much time would we spend with them if we met at the mall, at a bar?

I especially mean this in regards to difficult challenging interactions. Do we allow folks to get away with more when we are online, do we lose sight of our boundaries?

Online communication can have the thrill of the unknown and different, the dramatic. So important to remember that we still very much have to take excellent care of ourselves.

For me, I want to remember this, these are lessons hard learned. Why would I allow someone to be extra snippy to me, or mean, or scary, or confusing........just because we are online or on the phone? Does their diagnosis or mine mean that automatically I am suddenly not allowed to have full boundaries?

People play cruel games sometimes online. The internet is still somewhat the wild wild west. All the more vital to be alert and aware.

Sarah

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wow, those are some great points. I don't think I would treat him any differently in person. The only reason why I would not consider meeting him right now is because I am in a relationship. That certainly does not mean it is not possible. Anything is possible. The potential for that happening is there, but as I explained in my initital posts I have only known him for a short while...so some hesitation is understandable.

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Broken_Wing said:
The online friendship began innocently, through a common interest message board. I wasn't pursuing anything other than conversation and friendship with this incredibly intellectual person.

When we first talked, it was like I connected on a spiritual level and he felt the same way. It may sound silly or romantic to some people, but we immediately felt as if we already knew each other.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">red flag number one </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The relationship I am in is not a particularly happy one, so my straying from it to be close to my online friend isn't something that is totally surprising. Sometimes one reaches out to another if they feel a connection.

My partner does not know about the online friendship.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> red flag number two </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
As for the time and energy involved, I will invest all the time and energy I can. I feel that we two have met for a reason, and I care very much for him. There is no way I would abandon him at this point, and he knows that.

Excellent points. I do have issues with insecurity but as I read this board and talk to my friend more I realize that he is losing time and it isn't a case of avoidance on his part. I understand and support him, and wait for when he is ready to talk.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> third red flag!

the friendship began innocently what's to keep it from remaining innocent??

your depression that you contend with is something that can make one feel more easily connected to others who are suffering along that mental health continuum.

the fact that your relationship with your bf isn't a happy one and you are seeking emotional attention elsewhere is not a good sign. we speak from painful hard earned/hard learned experience on this one.

that you mention the spiritual connection from when you first talked adds to the possible non-reality based nature of this friendship.

Sarah wrote some great insights into online dramatics with relationships in her post above.

As for the time and energy involved, I will invest all the time and energy I can. I feel that we two have met for a reason ok. just make sure to take care of you and your needs first before becoming so attached to this friend that you are spending countless hours on the phone providing support.

do you discuss your depression or relationship woes with your friend? if not then we wonder what level of relationship you are building with your new friend.

with concern,

Hi Broken_Wing,

My red flag about this was the fact that he told you about his dx so early in the friendship.

This is usually something we go to great lengths to hide/deny. Just seemed odd, is all.

Good luck with all this,

Petunia

Oh, I so want to underline and amplify what _zh and Petunia wrote, excellent points from folks who know.

My first question is why did this guy persistantly state he is not schitzophrenic? Doesn't need meds? No disrespect intended but I am a brother who has serious schitzophrenia and he protests too much at times as well. I am with -zh and the rest, proceed with extreme caution. This just does not sound like a good idea to me.