continuation of same but different....

so strange to read things that do not look familiar but came from my/our hand. really hard to come read and see that we have been spelling phonetically and posting half thoughts which means that we're not entirely present when we're attempting to post a response to someone. how embarrassing to have these fizzled thoughts stuck there when they were intended to make sense but now just look lost and deranged like we feel.

so strange to refer to myself/ourselves in the plural yet it appears to be making a dent in how therapy is progressing.....we hope anyway. so strange to have reactions to things that do not make sense until much later with the endnotes and overview. how to figure out the moments while they are happening?

we wish this wasn't so bizarre and that we didn't fit the dx so we keep trying new angles of denial with the therapist. being a therapist with twenty odd years experience they are able to counter each and every kind of denial raised. we're tired of the exhaustion that comes from this intensity of therapy and the constant work of keeping boundaries where they need to be in order for us to not get worse.

we read letters from the therapist and just feel so odd seeing it addressed to more than one. this isn't how our life was supposed to be. we do our best in taking the meds and seeing the doc and using supportive healing modalities that are covered by the dole.

we won't take no for an answer when it comes to getting better and learning how to stop losing time. the headaches are terrible. the memory is shot. hours go by. weeks are gone before we know it. we use various methods to attempt to keep track of things. it is amusing to say the least as it boggles our mind trying to make sense of whatever system we're using now. keeps changing according to whatever brilliant idea surges forth and makes it to the front.

therapist gone next week so good down time to not have to work quite so hard on work that doesn't come with an instruction manual.

we do not wish hugs at this time as they are kind but not the response that is helpful to us at this time.

well that's enough getting back on that horse for us today.

what a reality, eh? who'd want to be like this?!

i hear you and am here.

mlyn

so understand.

quiet strong support is much appreciated. ty.

mlyn,

we miss ya and hope all of yours continue on doing as best you all can. you can see here things are confusing for us be we keep trying.
__zh

so wish you didn't because it means you've dealt with this bizarro twisty mindwarp that greater awareness of one's system brings.

ty for being here. we continue prayers for your son. ty for thinking of us during this time when you're handling so much.

_zh
you have said so well what we have been living. we think sometimes we want to be done. but the beat goes on and on and on....
w_i

zh, that sounds a very confusing way to live and I'm sure you must be a lot of the time . I hope this quickly goes away and that you get to be in control of your life annd time again.

Hi zh, thank you! Glad you keep trying. Great to see you back!!!!!
You pretty much summed up what it is like for us too all in the name of awareness.
mlyn

I'm being quietly strong on your behalf. . .youll all just have to try to know that. . .

(((((((_ZH))))))
it's so hard to have separate parts and see evidence of
them. i never get used to the strangeness of seeing other parts' writing.
i wish there were comforting words - i haven't see the other side yet- the side where it gets better and won't be so strange and upsetting.
i hope it comes soon for you.

Take care,
kerria

it isn't an easy way to live which is why effective therapy is essential for functioning in today's world.

keep on and on and on with that beat.......bada bing bada boom bada bump...

yes silver, it is a horribly confusing way to live and we often feel like a cheap detective trying to piece together some bad murder mystery plot.

sadly this isn't something that will quickly go away. time. lots of time in therapy with professional help. ain't no substitute for the work but the work.

thank goodness pdoc and therapist are supportive of meds and therapy direction. we'd be so screwed if we were trying to fly this "solo". hahahah

has your awareness changed over time mlyn? since we're newer (relatively) to this dx we wonder what form things are going to take as more awareness comes and inside connections are formed. iow we want someone to let us know what to expect!!! wouldn't that be nice? to have some idea of what's ahead? glory be to that dream! sigh.

please take care of all of the system as we're rather fond of the m'n'ms and mlyns and all the rest.

ka,

we are grateful for the understanding of someone who has lived this for much longer than we have. we are grateful you share your stories with us. we feel your strength and do not feel so alone on this journey.

thank you ka. thank you for keeping true.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kerria said:
it's so hard to have separate parts and see evidence of
them. i never get used to the strangeness of seeing other parts' writing.
i wish there were comforting words - i haven't see the other side yet- the side where it gets better and won't be so strange and upsetting.
i hope it comes soon for you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> kerria,

we wish things were easier for you. it is so hard to explain to people that have read sensationalistic stories of DID how it is for some of us. our experience has been those who study the field often have the most bizarre grasp of what this disorder IS and IS NOT.

we understand the communication aspect is not something that is easy for your system. many people cannot understand that some dissociatives do not have inner communication and telling them to "just write to your parts" is like telling someone who has never spoken a foreign language to just read the book and you'll get it. insulting!!

we'll send those links later that we mentioned earlier. we hope that they will provide ideas that might help.

mostly we hope that people would understand this isn't some ploy for attention nor is it a choice. we're not talking about neglecting our inner child here. this isn't any manifestation of psychosis or bipolar as the pdoc has observed closely for years and asked numerous questions about other diseases/disorders.

there aren't meds to take to ease what we're currently going through. we are grateful the meds do keep our depression in check. we are grateful the meds have helped get the anxiety under control. we are grateful the meds enable us to feel well enough to do this work on the dissociation.

we just wish we remembered what the hell was going on in our life WHILE it was happening.

(((kerria))) oddball to oddball said with fondness
__zh

whoah, wait a minute, you sayin I'm old???

no . . .just old-er . . .LOL

at this point i wish there was some kind of "handbook" or road map to this. though i am mostly co-conscious now with a couple of insiders, i don't know who else is there. and often one or more decides to come front and i am with no say in the matter. i just feel sometimes like i am somewhere between here and nowhere--and not even really here.
_zh, what types of therapy are you and your T using? i am eager to learn and know what else besides talking, calling out others to talk and the like is being used.
w_i

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kathyanita said:
whoah, wait a minute, you sayin I'm old???

no . . .just old-er . . .LOL

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> there's no graceful way outta this is there?!

we were trying to say that we thought you've had awareness of the dx longer therefore have had more exerience with 'how to live' type of things when it comes to bizarro world and DID.

golly we seem to be munching on our foot a lot lately

thanks for smile ka.

funny thing is I've only just been officially dx (where an MD actually had the b_ _ ls to put it in writing to the insurance co) only for about 1 year. . .course we're always the first to know- but not to know as well. . .

glad you got a smile cause my reply back there was in fun . . .

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kathyanita said:. . .course we're always the first to know- but not to know as well. . .

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> you said it sistah....amen.

an ecclectic mix of interpersonal dynamics, client led, expressive arts therapy, music, CBT, etc.

therapist keeps things fluid as what worked last week might not work again. seems to be quite the hit and miss for working with the others.

we've found more from the art therapy personally than other types but then again we lean toward the artistic expression anyway.

therapy has included: going for walks during the session, taking the animals for a walk nearby, planned physical activity, nurturing from the therapist......safe healthy supportive touch, music--both listening and playing, meditation, guided art projects, free (no directions) art projects, etc.

hard to really explain how things are done as it is quite different than what most people do in their therapy sessions.

good luck w_i.

_zh
thank you.
w_i

six months later and so many thing changing constantly...hard to keep up!

therapy and meds are so essential to remaining able to do this work. we often wish to give up one or both but to do so would be self sabotage and we've spent enough years mired in that trap.

current challenge is managing to handle all the adult things and life hassles w/o neglecting our whole self. over the years before awareness of things we were able to compartmentalize so easily....we can still do this but are aware of the high cost this coping mechanism brings.

housing when not in a position to own real estate tends to be a drag in this area. we keep looking for something affordable on disability. HAH! and then pigs flew.

how do others manage when not able to indulge in caring for each and every one that exists within? we're not setting aside time like we used to. this isn't the plan forever but until we're in new digs safely the possibility of lost time/hours/days is too great to allow.

again.....let's keep hugs outta this one and the dancing smilies to a minimum as they are not useful to the type of support we're seeking. we'd rather be honest and have folks not like it than have folks get the wrong impression. it would be great if anyone has actual experience of similar situations for a person living with DID. if not then we'll keep our eyes open elsewhere.

therapy and journals continue but the overall feeling is that any straying off the course of certain necessary tasks or goals will result in losing everything. yah fatalistic thinking we know. we're aware..........that's why we're posting asking for concrete examples from the lives of people living with a dx'd dissociative disorder.