[darkpurplesecrets]

You all mean the world to me and from my heart I thank you and appreciate you more than you know. My heart is really hurting right now with emotions that are filling me and engulfing me as though I am in the eye of the hurricane. My thoughts seem to come and go sometimes more quickly than I can find or else they seem to linger and haunt me at other times.

I am facing some truths for the first time and realizing that through being triggered I was running from something within that I could not see and I was not slowing down to find. Within is feeling pretty hopeless right now but knowing that we have to look at this rationally and stand here so that we can get through it. Thoughts are not good but we are trying to stop the negative abuse to ourselves as for all our lives we have already been through enough. Why is it that we always treat ourselves as though they are still right there?

I saw my t today and tears were flowing so hard that I could not see or breath. He said that my anxiety was at least a 14 on a scale of 1-10. Feelings swarming within that I was afraid to look at and seeing how terrified I really was scared me even more. When someone hears something that is triggering and there is nothing to compare any other thoughts or feelings to it other than what you have known all your life----it is hard to see any other point of view. Not because you do not want to but because you have nothing to compare it to or to step away to.

Love for us was never safe and it never gave us anything to say other than "GET AWAY FROM ME." It was something you ran from not too. When someone wanted to give you a kiss it was not something you looked forward to or wanted. There was nothing to see how normal people respond as to what we know. It left me feeling so anxious and terrified. Feeling that I was going to get in trouble and that I was hated because we could not get it. Truth is it was our perception and something we could not grasp hold of that the fear took over.

When I was growing up and really until just three years ago, I felt I could never have any opinions, that I could never ask questions for they would be smashed and ridiculed. What I was told was the way it was. All my life I lived in fear of ever questioning anything or at least to let anyone know. So when I moved to the safest place I have ever been my thoughts did not and they were still in that don't talk, don't ask mode. It did not matter that someone cared for I was really not safe, but no one could know that.
Though the attacks and visits continued we hid this trying to protect those that we somehow loved and yet pushing away at the same time while all the while screaming silently "PLEASE DON"T GO."

I had questions about myself that I could not ask, questions that I needed to ask, questions that were important to me but a fear that was greater than all the above. Though I screamed the questions out in my mind and into thin air when no one was around to hear for fear that I would be in trouble, the answer always came back empty, for no one heard me. Though I asked my friend when I first got there to please call me on my DID if it were not true and tell me if I am faking it, it was my only cry for asking what I could not other wise ask.

I did not realize that at the time but it was. I wanted her to tell me that I was faking and to snap out of it and that somehow something else was wrong so that maybe there could be some kind of cure----it was not fake and it was true and I was and am DID. Nothing I could do or say would take it away. Being DID is not fun and it is painful to be someone one minute and someone else the next, to never know where you have been or where you are, to speak in plural form but yet there is only you standing there. It was not something I wanted and all I knew is I felt different and weird. I was afraid to be who I was for no one ever had allowed me to be who I was or believed me or even cared.

Figuring out today that I felt all these feelings and never felt like I could voice anything left me vulnerable to feeling so angry and hurt and confused and sad. My tears would not stop falling when I realized that I had triggered myself by allowing those feelings to finally surface and feeling what I had never allowed myself to feel before. It hurts more than any words I could write. I feel empty and lost at the realization of I am alone in this world and even though I have children they are not accepting of my DID either. As much as I want to see them for I miss them with all my heart I know that it is not okay right now for me to go. It would be setting myself up in harms way and setting me back----taking away all I have been working towards.

Knowing that I love them and wanting to spend just a couple hours with them and come back home to where it is safe but also knowing that is not possible or even reasonable at this time. I do love them but I love them enough to allow myself to heal and grow so that they will not pull me back into the place I fled. They cannot help it for they themselves are pulled within a situation that is hard to even realize you are in until you have the chance to get away and want to see it for what it is. I know I was there and within that brainwashing unable to get out and ready to end it all right before I stepped out running in the night to get away.

So my feelings are wrapped around many things and I am trying to sort through it all. It hurts and I am filled with fear, anxiety, screams of what if we get caught or in trouble, hurting from every place that pain and fear and sadness, and anger lay. Nothing right now makes sense as I face these emotions for the first time and try to somehow connect them to the hurt and terror of where they came from. Trying to get Pain and Fear and Echoes to slow this down as it is hitting me harder than anyone knows. I cry and shake with fears I never knew even existed. With truths seeming to scream out at me from all directions but with no compass to tell where it is coming from.

I am scared and exhausted and feeling very alone and hurt. All I want is to feel someone close and to know everything is going to be okay. I know that somewhere in time it will be as my t today told me this is going to be a slow process to get all the pieces brought together. Even though I know this it does not stop the tears. I am scared and alone. And crying.

dps

[yogirl]

((((((dps))))))

me es sori u r feelin so sad. me wish me cud take de sadness frum u so u no be sad eni more. me es onli a litle but me wanna help sumhow. lynn

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Lynn))))

You just did help my sweet friend. Thank you for caring. It meant more than you know. Love you. Gentle hugs.

dps

((((((((((((((((((((((((dps)))))))))))))))))) you know where to find us-always and anytime ♥♥♥

Oh (((dps)))
I wish I could give you some peace and comfort. I will sit and hold your hand.

[laramy]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

You all mean the world to me and from my heart I thank you and appreciate you more than you know. My heart is really hurting right now with emotions that are filling me and engulfing me as though I am in the eye of the hurricane. My thoughts seem to come and go sometimes more quickly than I can find or else they seem to linger and haunt me at other times.

I am facing some truths for the first time and realizing that through being triggered I was running from something within that I could not see and I was not slowing down to find. Within is feeling pretty hopeless right now but knowing that we have to look at this rationally and stand here so that we can get through it. Thoughts are not good but we are trying to stop the negative abuse to ourselves as for all our lives we have already been through enough. Why is it that we always treat ourselves as though they are still right there?

I saw my t today and tears were flowing so hard that I could not see or breath. He said that my anxiety was at least a 14 on a scale of 1-10. Feelings swarming within that I was afraid to look at and seeing how terrified I really was scared me even more. When someone hears something that is triggering and there is nothing to compare any other thoughts or feelings to it other than what you have known all your life----it is hard to see any other point of view. Not because you do not want to but because you have nothing to compare it to or to step away to.

Love for us was never safe and it never gave us anything to say other than "GET AWAY FROM ME." It was something you ran from not too. When someone wanted to give you a kiss it was not something you looked forward to or wanted. There was nothing to see how normal people respond as to what we know. It left me feeling so anxious and terrified. Feeling that I was going to get in trouble and that I was hated because we could not get it. Truth is it was our perception and something we could not grasp hold of that the fear took over.

When I was growing up and really until just three years ago, I felt I could never have any opinions, that I could never ask questions for they would be smashed and ridiculed. What I was told was the way it was. All my life I lived in fear of ever questioning anything or at least to let anyone know. So when I moved to the safest place I have ever been my thoughts did not and they were still in that don't talk, don't ask mode. It did not matter that someone cared for I was really not safe, but no one could know that.
Though the attacks and visits continued we hid this trying to protect those that we somehow loved and yet pushing away at the same time while all the while screaming silently "PLEASE DON"T GO."

I had questions about myself that I could not ask, questions that I needed to ask, questions that were important to me but a fear that was greater than all the above. Though I screamed the questions out in my mind and into thin air when no one was around to hear for fear that I would be in trouble, the answer always came back empty, for no one heard me. Though I asked my friend when I first got there to please call me on my DID if it were not true and tell me if I am faking it, it was my only cry for asking what I could not other wise ask.

I did not realize that at the time but it was. I wanted her to tell me that I was faking and to snap out of it and that somehow something else was wrong so that maybe there could be some kind of cure----it was not fake and it was true and I was and am DID. Nothing I could do or say would take it away. Being DID is not fun and it is painful to be someone one minute and someone else the next, to never know where you have been or where you are, to speak in plural form but yet there is only you standing there. It was not something I wanted and all I knew is I felt different and weird. I was afraid to be who I was for no one ever had allowed me to be who I was or believed me or even cared.

Figuring out today that I felt all these feelings and never felt like I could voice anything left me vulnerable to feeling so angry and hurt and confused and sad. My tears would not stop falling when I realized that I had triggered myself by allowing those feelings to finally surface and feeling what I had never allowed myself to feel before. It hurts more than any words I could write. I feel empty and lost at the realization of I am alone in this world and even though I have children they are not accepting of my DID either. As much as I want to see them for I miss them with all my heart I know that it is not okay right now for me to go. It would be setting myself up in harms way and setting me back----taking away all I have been working towards.

Knowing that I love them and wanting to spend just a couple hours with them and come back home to where it is safe but also knowing that is not possible or even reasonable at this time. I do love them but I love them enough to allow myself to heal and grow so that they will not pull me back into the place I fled. They cannot help it for they themselves are pulled within a situation that is hard to even realize you are in until you have the chance to get away and want to see it for what it is. I know I was there and within that brainwashing unable to get out and ready to end it all right before I stepped out running in the night to get away.

So my feelings are wrapped around many things and I am trying to sort through it all. It hurts and I am filled with fear, anxiety, screams of what if we get caught or in trouble, hurting from every place that pain and fear and sadness, and anger lay. Nothing right now makes sense as I face these emotions for the first time and try to somehow connect them to the hurt and terror of where they came from. Trying to get Pain and Fear and Echoes to slow this down as it is hitting me harder than anyone knows. I cry and shake with fears I never knew even existed. With truths seeming to scream out at me from all directions but with no compass to tell where it is coming from.

I am scared and exhausted and feeling very alone and hurt. All I want is to feel someone close and to know everything is going to be okay. I know that somewhere in time it will be as my t today told me this is going to be a slow process to get all the pieces brought together. Even though I know this it does not stop the tears. I am scared and alone. And crying.

dps

Sorry to read things are so difficult for you now. Sending a hug and best wishes.

[Nupoet64]

(((((DPS)))))...so sorry, safe hugs and much support...

[DancingAlone]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

When someone hears something that is triggering and there is nothing to compare any other thoughts or feelings to it other than what you have known all your life----it is hard to see any other point of view. Not because you do not want to but because you have nothing to compare it to or to step away to.

Love for us was never safe and it never gave us anything to say other than "GET AWAY FROM ME." It was something you ran from not too. When someone wanted to give you a kiss it was not something you looked forward to or wanted. There was nothing to see how normal people respond as to what we know. It left me feeling so anxious and terrified. When I was growing up and really until just three years ago, I felt I could

Though the attacks and visits continued we hid this trying to protect those that we somehow loved and yet pushing away at the same time while all the while screaming silently "PLEASE DON"T GO."

I had questions about myself that I could not ask, questions that I needed to ask, questions that were important to me but a fear that was greater than all the above. Though I screamed the questions out in my mind and into thin air when no one was around to hear for fear that I would be in trouble, the answer always came back empty, for no one heard me.

I feel empty and lost at the realization of I am alone in this world.

So my feelings are wrapped around many things and I am trying to sort through it all. It hurts and I am filled with fear, anxiety, screams of what if we get caught or in trouble, hurting from every place that pain and fear and sadness, and anger lay. Nothing right now makes sense as I face these emotions for the first time and try to somehow connect them to the hurt and terror of where they came from. Trying to get Pain and Fear and Echoes to slow this down as it is hitting me harder than anyone knows. I cry and shake with fears I never knew even existed. With truths seeming to scream out at me from all directions but with no compass to tell where it is coming from.

dps

Ohhh, your words speak so loud and clear dear dps. I understand so well the feeling of not knowing what to compare it to to know how to act any different than what you have been taught.

I remember once when I visited a friend and her family was around the piano singing and happy. I was so shocked to see a "happy" family as I had never known one. And I was 17. How sad.

And feeling a desire to be "close" to people but when they disobey the rules I set for them without speaking them, my mind screams GET AWAY FROM ME, and I act until they do. Oh the fear. I know dear how you feel.

The screams in my mind are the loudest, but no one hears them.

But dear dps, now they do. We hear your screams, we feel your fear. And we know not to get too close if it hurts, but we are here for you whenever you need us to help you with a compass to guide you so this journey will have a map that can lead you to the truths you seek.

I met "Victoria" tonight. She is protecting you and letting you rest now. Find peace dear dps. Those that care will always be here for you. I too am holding your hand.



dancingalone

[pegasus]

((((((((( dps )))))))))

I hope you are not making those truths too hard on yourself.

If you were in fear of speaking through out your childhood and then that carries on into adulthood then there is no wonder you were unable to say anything at all. The grip of fear does lessen. I have seen this over the time I have known you where you have gradually said more and more. This is good.

Please don't blame yourself for distrusting others, that is something that has carried on from the abuse of the past and the ongoing fear. If all you ever knew was to keep things hidden and that kept you safe then it's totally understandable that it carries on.

I'm so glad you have a friend in real life that is understanding and is truly there for you.

As for the DID thing. You know we all go through that, it's such a rare disorder and so awful to think what the child went through and it hurts so much as an adult. You are DID but remember that is what kept you alive and saved you from horrendous pain.

I know for me, half my life was missing some dreadful things happened and the next thing I knew I was in therapy with the top psychologist in my country. It wasn't till a few years that we even discussed DID, though he knew it all the way along. It's a scary diagnosis and requires long term therapy. I can tell you though that you do get to healing though it may not seem like it right now.

[Nupoet64]

I agree with Pegasus. I can now look back and see times that I switched and had no idea what was going on, just thought I was losing my mind. Or worse, believing what my mom said...that I was stupid, not paying attention, or scatter brained.
I have been in therapy a long time and only got the DID Dx 3 yrs ago. I have been in therapy, off and on since I was 18...about 27 yrs.
Many things are much better now. Some are harder, because I am processing them, but all in all, I am much better. It is less scarey knowing what I am dealing with.
I STILL have trouble talking. I was conditioned from very early childhood, not to tell anything that goes on in the home and if mom lied to someone in public, I BETTER not say a word. And she lied all the time.
It is very hard for a child to go through. You are brave and strong and a survivor!! You made it. Now you get to learn to be you. Many safe hugs and support...

[LostSavant]

((((((((((dps)))))))))))))))

I miss them also, yet, I fear them. At times I wish I could speak to them and tell them how I feel, but I know they will just laugh at me, tell me I am wrong and they are right. I also know that they will hound me to no end, if I returned. Therefore, I do not want to return......Yet I feel alone too, and loneliness is painful.

I am greatful to the people here too, that have made me feel I have a right to live. And a right to be accept the way I am.

I accept you for you are, I want you to be happy and feel safe and loved. We just need to remember that we are not alone in the way we feel and our wants and desires. Atleast we have each other here at PC for support, as we plod forward through......today and tomorrow...

[Miracle1986]

(((dps)))

[Jewels]

(((((((((( dps ))))))))))

what more can I say except that I understand? Don't be too hard on yourself...remember it wasn't your fault and you did nothing wrong...

love you much...

Jewels

[Rhiannonsmoon]

(((( (((( (((( (((( dps )))) )))) )))) ))))

Sending you hugs and support as you go through this,

Rhiannon

[darkpurplesecrets]

Thank you all for caring and your support. It means so much right now. I feel so vulnerable and raw right now and it hurts. I do not understand so much and feel lost in it all. Sometimes almost as if I do not belong to this mind. And I am not sure I want to. Being pulled apart inside and out with feelings and thoughts that seem to not be my own.

Being responsible yet not even knowing what is taking place at times. Seeming to say or feel the wrong things and yet, I don't understand. Words sometimes coming out of my mouth while inside is screaming something else. And feeling wrong for feeling anything at all.

This feels as though a war is within myself and I am being pulled apart. Pushing away from everyone yet trying to keep just one foot from stepping totally away. Needing someone deep within yet screaming without "GET AWAY." And nothing making sense.

I feel yet I don't, I speak yet silent, I reach yet seem to grasp air, I need yet push away, I am yet I feel I am not. It hurts.

....

[Nupoet64]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((DPS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[anderson]

(((((DPS)))))
Just know that we are listening to all that is within you !
Safe hugs and thoughts as we to are learning the same thins right now.
Till those within us in, each of us find peace know that we are walking besides you too.