[Bmee2]

i officially give up. six no cannot help you....no i do not work with your insurance....and sorry i cannot recommend anyone who can help you.

So hurt frustrated angry and mixed up. there just are no tears or ...........punishing the body hurts who?
Anger at us for being.
what happens now?

Cannot punish anyone but us. Obviously just wrong....wrong for being poor...wrong for surviving.....wrong for trying to get help...wrong to come here with this knotted issue.....wrong to want help....always alone....solve this mess alone....only wealthy find help easily.....or they can afford help.
So...there is no one out there to help us. Medicare, medicaid.....not a living soul....Even PC cannot help. ......we have to find a way to fix ourselves. Or.....we could leave....exit once the mother goes.
the T too far away will not have to worry or not worry.....there will be no need to not be available.......not that anyone would be sorry....first t would not be sorry.....she had nothing to do with our departure....it was our sickness, ....our abandonment issues....nothing at all with saying good-bye over the phone during a crisis and not providing any assistance in finding another T. Mistake? yep. Was made to feel we were a mistake by being born......mistake surviving.....mistake not finding a way to join the group.....cannot blame anyone at PC why we make few friends and trust even fewer people.....Cannot blame anyone......just can hate.....hate this existence....hate struggling....hate being depressed and still asked to function....hate being alone.....hate not having a buddy someone to cry with.....hate....hate....hate....hate the burning hot liquid running down onto the keyboard. Punish? Punish who? punish the ones that help make us? Punish G-d for not taking us home....Maybe G-d abandoned us too.....maybe the supreme being does not want to be bothered with us just like the first T?....we are overly sensitive....who do we tell about quitting? We have no one. PC is not the place. What about the hot line?.....hot line cannot find a T for us. Hot line can only listen....or pretend to listen....keep searching DrJohn says.....once you give up hope you give up everything the pdoc says.....How do we continue?......just do it.....World why? Why is everything so very hard? Why cannot someone help us? World it is always us that is wrong....so our thinking is wrong....ssssssssssssssss.........what is right? our love and caring for other people is right......i think.
well typing has kept the hands busy....so that has been right and good. As long as we give to others....it does not matter is nothing comes back in.....perhaps our mission is to just please others....just not upset anyone......make sure the world is at ease even if .............Is this another test by the supreme being? F supreme being you know where we are....so you want to see how far you can push before we go over? then you can pass judgment and condemn us to eternal H-ll with all the things that trigger us happening over and over and over with no break. Is this what love feels like Supreme being? Is this how you love us? we do not understand.
We did like smelling the flowers. we like watching babies laugh. we enjoyed the snow, and the spring, and the fall leaves. we enjoyed the feel of clay in our hands, we enjoyed graduation....we cannot leave...we have to learn how to use the new insulin pump. We do not seem very greatful that we got the new pump so we. okay We apologize. Focus on the new pump we will. Besides nothing else matters.

[kasva]

Hi Bmee, I'm so sorry this process is so frustrating. We need better mental health care and more available mental health care too. It is not your fault. Just know I am listening and I really care about how this is affecting you........((((((Bmee))))))....Kasva

[Bmee2]

We called the T that is just a bit too far away and she helped us feel better. Of course Talking and trying to process the loss of the first T had the kids out and....down went the blood sugar....thank goodness the far away T was able to help. Yeah no visits from the paramedics. Wiped out. In need of a long nap. Hanging in there by the skin on our teeth,

[Luce]

It isn't necessary for someone to be punished because you can't find a T. That isn't a punishable 'offence' (well, it isn't even an offence at all!) But truly - no punishment is necessary. I know how utterly frustrating it is when you can't find anyone to help (I gave up after a while here where I am, but that's okay because I don't feel a pressing need for therapy right now).

Have you ever heard of a woman named Kathy Broady? She has a website and a blog roll and does therapy over the internet I think. I've read some of her stuff and she seems to have a good handle on severe trauma and DID issues. That might be worth a try in the interim until someone comes up locally for you.

[krazy_phoenix]

I wish I could offer you more support.

I care that you are hurting so.

Thank you for your bravery and honesty and for pressing submit.

Thank you for being a part of PC.

I hope this time of acute pain and frustration eases for you very soon.

[invisigirl]

I wish there was something I could say to help you. I wish I could help you. I'm glad you were able to at least talk to T... but know you need more right now and I'm angry that there isn't a way to get the help you need. I do understand your frustration though.

hold on, Bmee... one day, one hour, one minute at a time..

[Bmee2]

Thank you invisigirl,krazy P, Luce and Kasva. This search obviously touches on a nerve close to the core. Big time abandonment by the Mother as a child....that touching on the departure of the first T that i had for many years, and then losing the t due to distance and 24/7 care taking responsibilities, all compounded by trying to find a new T in a mental health system that needs help. this is an opportunity to properly process this damaged nerve...but.....you can see my dilemma....no T. i plan to focus on breathing and something more positive. i will try to leave that nerve alone...for a while.....it is so sensitive and painful it is more than likely to inspire a SI response or worse. however i will check out the Kathy Broady person.....just read stuff....tread very lightly....very softly....even tiptoe around this subject.

[brittfly]

bmee i am so sorry u are going through all this and without t. i really hope you can find someone ... wish i could help but it is so sad that yu cannot find t. makes me so crazy mad about mental health in the usa...i will think of you and your stuggles and think many good things come your way. HOLD ON... just hold on.... sometimes that is all you can do... and things change... but for now hold on!! we care!!