[Catlovers141]

I have DDNOS, and for the past month or two my parts have been talking about how they don't feel cared for by my T and wanting to have more interaction with her, etc. I explained all of this to T and we tried to figure out what we could do to make it better.

This week, however, I had an experience that kind of confused me and I'm not sure how to handle it. The part that has been needing all this attention has been putting a lot of pressure on me to talk about a lot of difficult things that I am not ready to say. When I try to say it, I don't say it exactly right according to this part, and she gets very frustrated with me. My T was trying to say that I need to pay attention to my own thoughts and feelings about it, not just that part's.

Anyway, at one point T said that I am the most important one. And at the end of the session when I said that I felt bad that I wasn't doing things according to how the part wanted and it was upsetting her further, T was saying that the part can be upset. It's hard to explain what exactly is happening here. It was more the tone that she said it than what she said. I know she meant well and was just trying to demonstrate that I need to put my own needs first sometimes even if it upsets other people, but it really upset the part that needed to feel cared for and I am confused.

If she thinks these parts are so important and should feel cared for, why would she say that I am "the most important one" and not seem to mind that a part was upset by what I did? That part carries a lot of pain, and I feel bad for adding to it. Why were her feelings pushed under the rug so quickly?

I'm probably reading way too much into this and making it more than it should, but now that part is really upset with me and it is making things difficult. I was wondering if you all had any input or experience with boundaries with parts vs. making them feel cared for?

[krisakira]

i gotta reply to this one cause i have DID and this makes me angry. all your parts matter, and i think your t is just scared to say that they matter and want to put less emphasis on your parts, the parts that make up YOU , they are all important and deserve the same respect youd give any other human being. a lot of t's just dont get it. your t should have asked you what that part of you wants to say. its like your t wants you to have control over your parts, but while in the security of therapy, your t should allow your parts to open up even if it makes you have no control , thats what t is a safe place to let stuff out safely. all parts of you deserve respect and no t should ever tell you they dont

[Catlovers141]

Thank you, krisakira. This is what is confusing me. Usually T does exactly what you suggest -- ask what that part wants to say. Lately that part has been trying to put her needs above mine in ways that have been very difficult for me, and I understand the central message of not caring so much for others' needs that you completely destroy yourself in the process.

However, the tone (that was obviously my interpretation and may not have been intentional on T's part) seemed like that part's anger did not matter. I feel like that part was rejected, and since she is a part of me, I felt a little rejected too -- like if I was angry or upset it wouldn't matter?

T did bring up some good points, though. I am trying to do a lot to please a part that right now doesn't seem able to be pleased by what is possible for me to do. I am struggling to figure out how I can meet her needs and show that she matters without sacrificing all of my sanity to please her.

Also, I think you may have been right when you said that T might want me to have control over the parts. That may be some of it too.

[krisakira]

the most important thing is to let each part have a VOICE. you dont have to do what they say or whatever, just let them say it, and voice every feeling everyone has inside you and then you can figure out why that part feels that way. your particular controlling part of you has every right to feel upset and voice his/her feelings, wants, desires, dislikes, hates, and reasons.

[Catlovers141]

How are you all able to balance boundary setting with alters/parts and showing them that they matter? The part that I am referring to is one that is generally very angry and overwhelmed, but also seems to be very hurt and sad. I want to be careful not to add to that since she seems to carry a lot of pain. At the same time, I was confused when T said that I was the most important one, etc. I will probably have to ask T exactly what she meant by this, but how much do you give to your parts and when do you put yourself as a priority?

[Irine]

ugh!! Those parts!!! yes! I understand. I know how you feel. You are right. Listen to that part. I think that at the same time you take he feelings under consideration and do the best for her, "she' should try to do that too.

[sabby]

Please correct me if I'm wrong here. I believe that all parts need to be validated and "heard". Sometimes that is all it takes for them to feel better and to be able to release what pain is inside. The way to be able to do this is to have communication between you and that part. It doesn't have to be deep communication, just letting that part know that you hear and see what they are feeling and they are not "bad" for feeling as they do. You also may be able to strike a deal with this part that you are willing to discuss some things with T but that much of what you, yourself are working on is important too.

I do understand that sometimes parts hold feelings and memories that are very difficult. You may not be "ready" to hear those things yet. It may be that you have more work to do on you in order to shore yourself up in order to deal with those parts. How about allowing that part to journal? Give that part their very own journal and if they want to share it with T, then they can do that, but it's their decision. In this way, T and your part can figure out the best time to have you step into the fold for what that part needs to tell you.

I definitely agree about asking T about the last session. Sometimes we can misunderstand something they say, (or not) but it's good to clear the air so you know exactly where you both stand on the subject

Wishing you well!

[possum220]

"Lately that part has been trying to put her needs above mine"

That part.......... is you. A part that is fighting for you, not against you.

Sometimes things do get hard to understand. Writing things out is a great way to go.

All parts are equally important even though they may not behave, or adhere to socially accepted norms. It may feel like civil war inside. All the parts want what is best for you.

sorry just dribbling on here.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Catlovers))))

Thank you for asking and I do hear you. I also validate how you are feeling. It is so hard when those parts of us feel like they are not heard or do not matter. Truth is they matter very much.

Those parts did something for us and they have feelings and many times react as they had to. They do not know many times that they are even in the present. They are important and have something to say.

I know for myself those within are very hard to listen to at times and I find myself pulled away and afraid. But I know that they hold those things I could not face myself.

As possum said it, "That part........ is you." As hard as that is sometimes, it is true. So many of those within myself are so separate and for a long time and even now I sometimes have trouble remembering that. They are not trying to fight against you but trying to be heard.

Trying to communicate with them is important and also it lets them know that you know that they are there and that they are important. Learning to trust your insides is important.

Allowing those parts to be heard allows you to move forward and heal. As sabby said, maybe allowing that part to write out what they feel as they can and then when they are ready then showing it to t. Mine write many times without me knowing and it helps them get things out and feel that they are being validated.

Sometimes I have found that, that is all they need to be validated and heard. It is hard sometimes but important both for you and them. I find that at times when a part is really pushing to be heard and feeling that they are more important it is because it is time, or at least seems it is beginning to be.

It seems the harder I fight them the more they push to be heard. It is hard and many times scary, but the unknown is always scarier than the known. For me there is one that is so sad and hurt and it is hard to allow her to write.

Even when she writes the hard stuff and the feelings of needing to end or hurt, somewhere in all that she is telling what she knows and getting it out allows it to come to the surface and out of the secrets.

Being able to say something many times is all that is needed. Just as when I need to say something it many times just is important to get it out. It comes to the light and out of the darkness. I do not feel so alone.

But many times allowing her to write it out relieves the pressure. She has something to say and it is important however hard it is to hear. Even saying that is hard but I have learned that pushing them back down causes more confusion and chaos.

Having co-consciousness takes time but it is important. As scary as it is it allows us to find safety and not be so dissociated and not know what is going on. For myself, it was important back when I needed it but it causes more confusion now and it puts safety at risk. But take it one step at a time, and know that it is okay.

I am sorry you felt not important and that that part of you felt not important. Talk to t and ask her to explain to you. Many times we feel something that is not what was intended. For us sometimes the feelings are so strong that we do not always hear what is meant because the emotions and feelings are so strong.

You are important as is every part of you. I know it is hard and it takes time to get through. Know that we are here for you and listening. Please keep reaching out. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps