[michelle421]

i know i haven't been around here much lately, but life has been difficult. i wish everything was ok. i wish my partner wasn't so broken. i'm sorry if this gets difficult. please only read if you feel ok.

last week she got in a big car crash. she flipped her car and once she realized she was upside down, she had to break the glass of the driver's side window to get out. she hurt her hand a bit but she survived. more or less. she is really mentally struggling with this too, though. there was another reckless driver that scared her and caused the crash, but somehow she feels to blame.

i am also a bit freaked out. she called me just after i got to work and was freaking out. all i knew was that i had to go get her. she sounded in crisis. i left work immediately (thanks to my nice boss). it took about a half hour to get to the scene, and by then the cops were there and they were getting her car towed. she was sobbing in the back of the cop car. i am just glad she is ok.

i took her home from there... but along the way, something bad happened. i knew she was feeling bad about the accident. she always thinks bad things are her fault and she deserves it. well, when i was driving her home, i noticed she was switching a lot, and the other that was around isn't anyone i know. well, not personally. i know that she has another alter that is mean. it isn't one of the core people i know. from what i have read about, it seems like an introject. it seems like the voices she hears. like her dad. it's evil. it hurts her.

suddenly i heard a really terrible voice telling her how bad she was and that she deserved punishment. he/whoever was hurting her, punching her face over and over and telling her that she deserves to hurt and it's her fault and she is bad. i know she doesn't deserve this. between the times that alter was out hurting her, she was back feeling scared and hurt and sad. she said she was sorry. she was injured more from this scary alter than the accident itself, and that was so traumatic anyway!

it's so hard for me to see her hurt. i still don't understand this part. it's hard to see how she is switching back and forth between such a hurtful part and her scared, sad self. i didn't know what to do, but really all i could do was be there for her and get her home safely.

now she is feeling so depressed and scared and agoraphobic again. she is extra sad about how broken her face looks since it reminds her of how she was hurt as a child. i hate to see her hurt, she doesn't deserve this. this is the first time that i've heard this alter say terrible things. it was a different voice. she's told me about the voices in her head before, and i've known that there is some dark part of her that we don't talk about. this other part is different than everyone else. i just wish i could help more. she doesn't deserve to keep hurting. it's always been wrong, and it's still wrong for her to hurt this way. she doesn't deserve it. she is so depressed and feels like this world isn't worth living if everyone out there wants to hurt her. she feels like she is bad and deserves everything bad that happens, but i don't believe it. i just don't know how to help.

i love her. it isn't fair for the pain to continue. i wish i could keep her safe from herself. i wish i didn't feel so alone. i feel like no one can understand the drama in my life. it's really deep and difficult stuff. it's not even her fault. there are so many terrible people that have ruined her life and now she has to deal with the trauma's effects. it's so hard. i wish i could make it go away.

thank you for at least letting me get this out. i have no one else to open up to. i dont know how to keep this to myself. it's so hard. our lives are not normal.

[krazy_phoenix]

(((((((((((michelle)))))))))))))

my heart goes out to you, and your partner.

yes, it sucks. no, its not fair.

please don't hold it in. you rant and rave all you like. we are here listening, and offering you a shoulder to bawl your eyes out on.

i'm so sorry you are both hurting so.

i wish i could wave a wand and take it away for you.

If it helps you to know, we do not live 'normal' (what is normal? perhaps 'regular'?) life either.

i hope an irl source of strength comes to you both urgently.

keep us updated in how you are.

[justdontknow]

michelle,

I am glad that you are able to let us know what is going on and you feel safe enough to do that here. It sounds horrible what you and your partner are going through. There are many things in life that we cannot control. Your partner couldn't control the other reckless driver and you cannot control how that affected her. One thing you can control is how you deal with it and how you help her through this traumatic experience. It seems like in life it is some of our lots to go through traumatic experiences. They suck. There is nothing nice to say about them. And to relive those experiences in the form of introjects or flashbacks or body memories does not seem fair in the slightest. I know how strong of a person you are. You have been my strength more than once and I only know you over the internet. If I can draw strength over the internet, perhaps you can draw some of my strength, whatever I have, to help you through this rough patch. I know that sometime words sound cheap and shallow, but I mean all of the words that I post here. I hope you find the strength and support that you desparately need right now. If I can help you in any way possible, I would and am willing, cyber hugs, positive thoughts, prayers (only if you would like them of course). I know that sometimes it is extremely hard to pour out your soul to faceless strangers, but I know that it helps me. Again I am glad that you feel safe enough to post here. I am starting to ramble so I will quit now. Just know that I am thinking of you. Krista wants to post something to you as well so I will let her do that.

Always,

Cris from the Hotel

[justdontknow]

6 hug for michelle

6 hug for michelle patnur

krista sory michelle patnur getid hurt. krista sory michelle not bees hapee. krista hope michelle and michelle patnur bees hapee soon. hug hug hug. bye. love. krista kitty cat kerfuful.

[michelle421]

thank you krazy_phoenix and cris and krista.

it really does help to know that i am not completely alone in the world. it feels like it sometimes. it's helpful to feel validated, so thank you! this was really traumatic to me too. and i dont know how to deal with it. but even just being able to say something to someone.... it's better than nothing. i dont really have too many people close to me irl anymore. it's too hard to open up to my friends about how my reality is every day and i fear that i really have isolated myself too much. my partner doesn't really have anyone else either. i think that's part of the problem. all we have is each other, and i take on all her hurt and suffering and struggles every day. i dont know how to make time for me. i dont know what i need. but it feels like she needs more than i need. ugh. i have some co-dependent issues.

i saw my therapist today, and it was really hard. i cried most of the time. it hurts a lot to know that my partner suffers so much. it hurts me. and i want to know that she is trying to get better. i fear that the work with her therapist might not be getting her the help she needs. i dont know how to help though. i'm going to work on myself with my t, but it's hard when most of what we talked about today was about my partner and her lack of a DID therapist. i know she's worked really hard with her current t for about 8 years... but could it be that they aren't a good match anymore? (not that they didn't work out well together for a while, years even) can a DID person get help from a therapist that hasn't ever worked with another DID person? i fear talking to my partner about it because i dont want to tell her what she needs to do to get better or decide for her how her therapy is or should be. it's her job to heal herself. but i do feel sad when i dont think she's really addressing the problems in her (our) life. she just recently decided to go down to every other week with her therapist because she had seemed more conversational than working through things lately. it's just that it seems backward to me. i think there is so much going on these days that she should even be increasing her time with her t. i'm going to keep working on my boundaries. it's just not easy.

[sabby]

((((((((((((( michelle )))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your partners accident and everything that has gone on since. I'm so glad to know she wasn't seriously injured.

I can so relate to what you are going through and how you are feeling. My dearest friend is DID and it can be very difficult at times when one doesn't know the best way to deal with issues that arise. It can also be extremely rewarding to know that we can be the rock that they need at times as well. From my experience, it's very difficult for someone with DID to learn to trust another being. (not that others find it hard to trust as well but I'm just talking about DID) As friends and/or partners of an individual with DID, we have a unique situation with our relationships.

One of the things I learned in being a close friend of a DID'er is that they came into the relationship with the disorder and it has always been theirs to deal with. No matter how loving, compassionate, understanding and as tough as we can be when it comes to listening to our loved ones, we cannot do the work that it takes to heal. We can definitely talk with them, let them vent, toss ideas around, but at the end of the day, we have no real say in how they live their lives and how they go about healing.

Yes we get angry at the abuse that was dealt to them. Yes, we cry to know how utterly defenseless they were to save themselves as children and it sure does hurt us when our loved one is so injured by it all. We NEED a way to express our emotions so that it doesn't sit inside and fester until we cannot function anymore. Again, at the end of the day, we are not the ones who live with the dysfunction that lives within our loved ones. Many times, no matter what we know, we can close our eyes and sleep at night without the horrible nightmares. We can sleep at night, knowing we can trust others and not have to look over our shoulders every second of the day/night. What I'm trying to say hon is that you cannot possibly take on what your partner is dealing with. It is not yours to hold. Your job, in your relationship is to be loving and compassionate and to listen and validate as best you can. You cannot change what happened to her and neither can she. What you can do is give her what she needs and deserves right here and right now....your love.

I can tell you that there are good T's out there that are not DID specialists. Sometimes there are DID specialists that are not good at what they do. They can re-traumatize the individual if they are not careful. If your partner is feeling like she is getting what she needs from her T, then I think she should stay with her T. If she thinks she needs more from a T as in working on specifics, she should talk with her current T about that and find out why they aren't working on it. Her T may have a very good reason as to why they haven't progressed to a certain point yet. Sometimes, talk therapy instead of working on specific issues is exactly what is needed. An individual with DID has so many facets of their personality and life that needs work, it can't always be good for them to work on deep issues all the time. And many times, lighter talk therapy can bring a world of understanding to someone just as well as deeper therapy work. Sometimes, they just need a break from all the big bad painful memories before moving ahead.

I can tell that you care very deeply for your partner and you only want what is best for her. But truly, you NEED to do your own self care hon or you will not be any good to her in the long run. Getting together for outings with other people is so important as well. Maybe you can decide on a movie and coffee night and make some plans with friends to join you. (even if they can't, getting out just the two of you is good too!) You both need some down time from all the yucky stuff. Maybe you can join a bowling league, take part in a town play (acting or behind the scenes), volunteer at the city soup kitchen one or two days a month, join the library for seminars, all of these things help you to connect with others outside of your home and to have something to look forward to doing.

I hope what I've said has made some sense to you. If not, I'm sorry for not explaining myself better.

Take good care of YOU!!


sabby

[michelle421]

yes, sabby, you have said a lot of things that mean a lot to me. it is really, so helpful to hear form another supportive person so close to a DID person. it's hard, but it's also so rewarding. i'm glad you and your friend have each other.

i am trying to work on finding out what i need to do to take care of myself. i've started to reach out to a few friends. i'm going to try to branch out of my little world right now.

i'm going to get a shiatsu massage today because i have the day off from work! and i'm going to bring my partner so she can see what it's like in case she might want to try it sometime. i really like my massage therapist, she's a great person!

i'm going to have a good day! ...i hope. i just need a little break from all the crazy stuff in my head.

thanks again everyone for the support. it really means the world to me right now.

[sabby]

Ohhhhhhh....a massage.....I'm jealous! LOL That sounds awesome michelle. I hope the both of you have a wonderful day today. It sounds like you are starting on the right path to doing your self care. I'm proud of you. It's not uncommon to have trials and errors in your search for some peace....so please don't get discouraged if something doesn't work out quite right in the beginning. Keep at it and you will find your niche!

I'm here for you....pm me anytime if you need to.


sabby

[Bmee2]

Originally Posted by sabby

((((((((((((( michelle )))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your partners accident and everything that has gone on since. I'm so glad to know she wasn't seriously injured.

I can so relate to what you are going through and how you are feeling. My dearest friend is DID and it can be very difficult at times when one doesn't know the best way to deal with issues that arise. It can also be extremely rewarding to know that we can be the rock that they need at times as well. From my experience, it's very difficult for someone with DID to learn to trust another being. (not that others find it hard to trust as well but I'm just talking about DID) As friends and/or partners of an individual with DID, we have a unique situation with our relationships.

One of the things I learned in being a close friend of a DID'er is that they came into the relationship with the disorder and it has always been theirs to deal with. No matter how loving, compassionate, understanding and as tough as we can be when it comes to listening to our loved ones, we cannot do the work that it takes to heal. We can definitely talk with them, let them vent, toss ideas around, but at the end of the day, we have no real say in how they live their lives and how they go about healing.

Yes we get angry at the abuse that was dealt to them. Yes, we cry to know how utterly defenseless they were to save themselves as children and it sure does hurt us when our loved one is so injured by it all. We NEED a way to express our emotions so that it doesn't sit inside and fester until we cannot function anymore. Again, at the end of the day, we are not the ones who live with the dysfunction that lives within our loved ones. Many times, no matter what we know, we can close our eyes and sleep at night without the horrible nightmares. We can sleep at night, knowing we can trust others and not have to look over our shoulders every second of the day/night. What I'm trying to say hon is that you cannot possibly take on what your partner is dealing with. It is not yours to hold. Your job, in your relationship is to be loving and compassionate and to listen and validate as best you can. You cannot change what happened to her and neither can she. What you can do is give her what she needs and deserves right here and right now....your love.

I can tell you that there are good T's out there that are not DID specialists. Sometimes there are DID specialists that are not good at what they do. They can re-traumatize the individual if they are not careful. If your partner is feeling like she is getting what she needs from her T, then I think she should stay with her T. If she thinks she needs more from a T as in working on specifics, she should talk with her current T about that and find out why they aren't working on it. Her T may have a very good reason as to why they haven't progressed to a certain point yet. Sometimes, talk therapy instead of working on specific issues is exactly what is needed. An individual with DID has so many facets of their personality and life that needs work, it can't always be good for them to work on deep issues all the time. And many times, lighter talk therapy can bring a world of understanding to someone just as well as deeper therapy work. Sometimes, they just need a break from all the big bad painful memories before moving ahead.

I can tell that you care very deeply for your partner and you only want what is best for her. But truly, you NEED to do your own self care hon or you will not be any good to her in the long run. Getting together for outings with other people is so important as well. Maybe you can decide on a movie and coffee night and make some plans with friends to join you. (even if they can't, getting out just the two of you is good too!) You both need some down time from all the yucky stuff. Maybe you can join a bowling league, take part in a town play (acting or behind the scenes), volunteer at the city soup kitchen one or two days a month, join the library for seminars, all of these things help you to connect with others outside of your home and to have something to look forward to doing.

I hope what I've said has made some sense to you. If not, I'm sorry for not explaining myself better.

Take good care of YOU!!


sabby

dear sabby, you sound so wise and smart in this post. i wish i had a friend like you in my life. thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[Bmee2]

Dear Michelle421, i am sending belated but just as good gentle hugs and healing kisses that are blown to you and your partner. i am thinking of you both and wishing you courage and strength through this intense period of healing.