[woundedhearts]

<font color="#000088"> I put the trigger warning on just incase because I don't know exactly what I am going to say.

My roommate has been transported to a mental hospital and is possibly going to be there for a couple days and then be released. She has short term memory loss due to the overdose. Like the past 4 - 5 years. Her mother is here in our apartment. Don't want her to be here. When roommate gets released from the hospital her mother said she will take her back to NC where she lives. That is a good thing and a bad thing. I cannot afford to pay all the rent here. I can't just up and leave because I don't have the money nor could I do the moving myself. My health ain't that good. Having so many mixed feelings and stuff. Have to go see new Case Manager tomorrow and not feeling comfortable with it. Have to try to figure out how to find a new roommate that we can depend on being stable, etc. Therapist is out of town. Was going to take starting Thursday to totally fall apart and let the pressure cooker release no matter what the mess. (None destructive) Was going to get everything prepared in our room with things we will need for a good length of time and just totally isolate ourselves off from everyone and just let what happens happen. Now with roommate's mother being here I cannot let that happen. Have tried to reach out to friends that we do have to talk to ground us with another person's voice who cares, but can't reach anyone and everyone seems to be having a problem of their own. Tired of being so strong for everyone and then when we need help, then no one is around to offer support or a caring voice. It seems that it is ok for other people to expect that and want that from us, but when we need it in return we are just rejected again. Just like it always has been. We feel so non important and that we only matter to someone else when it is convient or when they need something from us. We don't fit in or belong anywhere. No one cares about us. Roommate is getting help she needs with the hospital and she has a mother that loves her. We have no one. No one to turn to or to get help, support, comfort, or love. Maybe we are truly unloveable. Maybe we don't deserve what we so much crave for. So many want to post this, but others want to delete it. So conflicted with if we want this to be out there. Knowing that we take the risk of seeking for a caring word, a soft place to fall and then just be rejected again by nothing. By getting no response, by getting attacked, etc. We feel so worthless and have no meaning in this world except to make everyone else happy, but stay suffering within. </font>

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((woundedhearts))))))))))))))))))))

you're going through so much and I'm so sorry to read that. i'm sorry that you feel as though you're sinking and no one is hearing you.

i hear you. i've been there...crying because no one will hear me or my pain.

i hope that you will have the alone time you need and that t returns quickly.

many thoughts to you right now.

kd

[(JD)]

WOW. So much going on in your life!
I'm glad you were able to post all this. I hope it's ok with you that you now have.
One thing that sent a flag in my mind: do you and your roomie have a lease? If so, you might want to try and talk about that with your roomie's mom while she's there... if you can't afford to stay there alone, is she willing to help you get out of the place, or help you to stay???

It's quite traumatic to be "involved" with any suicide attempt. I hope you will take care of yourself... and if that means hiding away from time to time, then do so (for a little bit of time.) TC

We all "deserve" good things! Sometimes we do get stuff that we don't "deserve."

therapy agencies in the United States are required to have an on call person and or back up person to handle the therapist caseload while they are unavailable. How about calling the on call and or back up person who is picking up your therapist caseload while that person is unavailable and letting that person know you need a safe place to rjust be. a safe place where you can let go without self harm and so on. Let that person know that your place isn't the right place now because of the situation and the resulting company of the room mates mother. Whenever I have done this the on call person and or back up person has told me sure come on in.

You get your release and its a safe environment to do so.

[Gemstone]

Can you talk to your landlord about the situation? Tell the landlord everything that is going on right now. They aren't all heartless people (I own some rentals myself).

S/he may give you the option to sublease the apartment or at least let you out of the lease when she has a replacement. I am sure your landlord doesn't want to be in a situation where one of her tenants isn't getting the rent in on time or at all. It would open a huge can of worms for her.

Read your lease very carefully and see what it says. You also want to think about if you just want to leave. If your credit is good right now its probably not a good idea, but if it isn't so great, you don't have much to lose. Most likely your landlord wouldn't report this to the credit agencys anyway unless the landlord is a big company. I have had it happen to me and I haven't reported it.

[Gemstone]

Sky is also right. If your roommate is on the lease this is as much her responsibility as yours. I would have a talk with her mother. Tell her that you can't pay the rent without the roommate, and tell her that you can't afford to buy out of the lease. Maybe she will help you out.

[LILITH]

You are going through a lot right now... remember to breathe..... I agree asker your roommates mom for help.... Hugs.....
Lilith

[woundedhearts]

<font color="#000088"> But actually to tired to even do so. I just got home about an hour ago if that from running around with bus after bus after bus today. 6 buses total and maybe 10 miles of walking. Had an extreme intense convo with my roommates mother. Showed her letters from my roommate and I back and forth and what not. She finally realizes why things went so sour with our relationship. Did a lot of running around with her and even went to the hospital to see my roommate. I had a lot of major red flags flying around when I was there with her. She is suppose to have short term memory loss of the past 4 - 5 years. But there was just so much stuff that doesn't add up. She was trying to contact her b/f here in town, knows what town she is in, knows my name, etc. Just the feelings and the vives that I got from it. I hate to doubt ppl because I know what it feels like. Right now instead of totally collapsing which is what I truly want to do I am still focusing on her. I think right now I need to so that I can make sure that we get her out of here and moved away from here. Triggers to much within us with this craziness that happens. I don't want to offend anyone or say something out of line. Please don't take me wrong when I am saying these things. Having DID is a hard enough thing to deal with, but when you are forced into taking care of 2 dysfunctional people it is so difficult. I see so much in my roommate's mom that I see in my roommate which can be very terrifying. It's a miracle I am even making since in this post because I can barely keep my eyes opened. I am suppose to go with roommates mom to the hospital to have a meeting with her psyhciatrist tomorrow late evening to discuss all the stuff that I know, that her mother knows, as well as the discussion of taking her back home with her mother. I just don't know. Tomorrow will be a busy day. I am suppose to go to my support group tomorrow, but am not sure if I will have a ride or not. I am still waiting for word on it. Then I will have later on in the evening the meeting with her pdoc. I'm so tired and exhausted and just want to but I'm to tired to do so. I don't even think I need my meds tonight because I am about ready to crash now. Will post more when my brain is more alert and not ready for a shut down.

Want to thank everyone for their support and their post. Sorry I can't answer each one separately at this moment. My eyelids are almost completely closed. LOL I can't see straight LOL Talk later on. Bye </font>

[hillbunnyb]

Just sending you peaceful bunny bumpies
))))))) ) ) woundedhearts (((((((( ( ( (((

[woundedhearts]

<font color="#000088"> Roommates mom went totally whacky tonight. I contacted the landlord to find out what to do. So she is pissed at me because I did so. Roommate gets out of hospital tomorrow and won't be going back with her mother until the end of March. So will have her mother and her here together. Gee great. Her mother went back on a promise she said and she really doesn't care. She thinks 1 thing and 1 thing only. She said that she doesn't care what the landlord says she ain't paying the rent in April. So I won't be able to try to find a roommate until the rent is due again and I don't have the money to pay for it all. I don't have money to move to another apartment by myself which is what I want to do. I'm so tired and exhausted. I went to group today which was a good thing. I hate being in limbo here and not sure what to do. I have no way to put an ad in the newspaper looking for a roommate. I don't know anyone to see if they know anyone that needs a roommate etc. I'm so tired of all this and really want a break from it all. I am tired of giving and giving and giving and then being squated on. I have helped my roommates mom and my roommate so much the past few days and it isn't even appreciated. What is so hard with a thank you for doing this? I guess that is to much to ask. I just wished that I had someone to care about me the way that my roommates mom cares about her. I have NO ONE and it seems that no one really gets that and they don't care. As long as it doesn't effect them then it isn't anyone's concern. Oh well if she is going to be homeless or if she can't make her way or if she is lonely etc etc......it doesn't effect me so I can just look the other way. After tomorrow getting roommates mom to the hospital to pick her up that is it for me. I ain't helping no more. I have done way more than was required of me. It's it. I'm just so exhausted and tired from it all. </font>

[Evangelista]

(((WOUNDEDHEARTS)))BIGGGG GENTLE HUGS.....sending many thoughts of encouragement....hope..and the force field of invincibility..to put up..when the monsters start to win all the battles..so that you will have strength enough to endure and win the War..

[brianm101]

(((WOUNDEDHEARTS)))

[SongBirdandDaisy]

(((((((((((((((((woundedhearts))))))))))))))))

peaceful wildflowers dancing in meadows with soft birds singing - peaceful thoughts for you