Dissociation and having kids (triggering)

I am wondering if anyone out there is successfully dealing with dissociation and alters while having kids.

The voices in my head look at my child like he's not mine. I get angry easily. I see myself doing things that could hurt him even though I KNOW I would never actually do it. I know he's safe with me and my alters, but my mental health is not safe with the thoughts in my mind that don't belong to me that surround my child. Could these thoughts be repressed memories? The memories that created my alters?

I do not feel like my child is in danger, but it's hard to hear in my head that he's not real or not mine. Help??

Cas

I think it is more frightening when you are thinking about not accepting or caring for your child. I don't know what has caused the thoughts that are distressing to you. I think that might take a while to figure out. I think it is important that you KNOW you would never actually doing hurtful things to him. I am no expert at unraveling these difficulties but I hope you are able to persist from one day to the next with what you want to think. Do take care of yourself.

we raised our son until he was 15. At that time we did not have safety and was living on the street. we were homless due to abuse and no one intown cared. so we made the chice of signing tempery gardienship.

we did not fear hurting him, we did the best we could with what we had to work with. at times we have to give ourselfs the space to heal and loveour children.

do you have a T, can you talk to someone about these times ? I am not with you so i can not know what is happening but talking or writing here could let you understand what is happening.

listening and caring.

I (host) am scared of therapy. I don't know how to go about it. I don't know if I'm even ready to know why I feel this way. I'm guessing something must have happened to me as a child that I simply don't remember. I think eventually I will be able to go to a T and find things about myself that I was never ready for. Honestly, I don't have many memories from before age 10, and 10 to 16 is hazy. Crap, now that I think of it, 10 to 18 (when I got married) is hazy. I wish I could talk to my alters and even just find some trivial things I've lost. I know that I spend the most time "out" but I think collectively, everyone else combined is out more than me. Does this make sense? I really need help picking through my brain.
Cas

Gypsy- I myself am not a parent but I was in the hospital ( a DID special unit) with a number of them. It's not uncommon for people with DID to have kids, or normal looking lives on the outside. One woman had 5 kids and she managed as a stay at home mom, and homeschooling 3 of them. A lot of the parents had kids that were grown already and were perfectly healthy adults. Some had teens, others just young squirts. I was actually surprised I was one of the few people without kids. So I was just letting you know you're not alone in having kids and DID and that it is possible to raise them healthy.

Thank you LydiaB!!! I appreciate that very much. I think the mystery surrounding everything happening in my head is the biggest problem to me. Thanks for what you said.

I think had I known I had DID when my children were smaller, I would have been able to be a better mom. Because I didn't know what was going on or what (or who) I needed to protect my children from, I protected them from "stupid" stuff and not from the stuff or ones I needed to protect them from. Because of that, they were abused by family members and so while I broke the abuse cycle, my children were still affected by other people in our lives.

Because I didn't know what was going on, my children sometimes felt like they were the adult.

And because of my dissociation, they sometimes felt that while they had a mom, she was absent (due to the kind of stuff you mentioned).

But on the positive side, my children and I have a unique and wonderful relationship that we might not have had if we hadn't endured and survived what we did.

Because of the DID, my children told me they and their friends loved having someone who got down on the floor and played with them.

Because of the DID, my children and their friends felt like they had someone safe they could talk to about anything and would be understood, especially when they felt like they couldn't talk to anyone else.

I'm definitely a much better mom now. I had to do a lot of grieving and I had to forgive myself for not being the mom I wanted to be. The desire was definitely there, but the capability due to the dissociation was not there.

My children went through a lot of stuff, but in the end, they understand a lot and I understand a lot. We all have a lot more compassion for people who go through things and we have a lot more awareness than most family members have. We stand together united now and we protect each other in ways others never even realize.

I'd love to say that having DID didn't make a difference and that I was able to be an awesome mom because of the others, but the truth is that for me, while I loved and love my children, would die for them, I wasn't able to be that great of a mom. But my children know I loved them and love them and they know that I was the best mom I could be at the time. And that is huge to me.

My biggest advice to you would be to get the support you need. It's okay to be afraid to, but bravery is doing it anyway, even through the fear. You deserve it and definitely your children deserve it, if you can't do it for you right now.

Thank you wanttoheal. I love that you are honest about it all. I love our child. I (Nina- main alter) want to go to therapy! I think it would be very helpful for me and all of us including Cas (host). I make appointments for things but Cas or Rosalie or Alex won't go, even to the dentist and regular doctor. We need to sort through that to be able to get to therapy, but therapy would help with sorting through. It's a vicious cycle.
Nina