[littleme420]

I am new here, I just started going through a bad flare up, episode or whatever you want to call it. Seems like there was allot of triggers looking back and I guess I just broke. I am a victim or CSA I say victim because I had never dealt with the pain or emotions of what was done to me and I have not snapped out of this so I am hesitant to call my self a survivor.

(A little background)
My mother was sick after suffering a miscarriage and my dad was an abusive alcoholic my brothers and I were removed from the home and placed in foster care, Unfortunately the same people that were supposed to protect me did the worse things possible to me.

The abuse lasted close to 2 years from 4-6 years old father, son and nephew and I have always remembered I never cold forget, I could talk about it but there was absolutely no emotions.

(Current Life)
About a month ago I started feeling like I needed to run, from myself, from everything and everyone and I couldn't understand what was going on with me, I started getting panic attacks and I just started breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably shaking physically and dissociating seems constantly and that's where I am now, a giant mess of a man that feels helpless, hopeless, I feel like I am going to feel this way forever, I feel broken and I can't grasp why, why after all these years why.

While I have been dissociating I have noticed that I am cycling back and fourth between partially me now and me then I never feel quite connected to "ME" I feel numb, I feel his feelings which conflict my feelings now on everything from my wife to work, everything.

Does anyone with DID cycle between their own child self? How can you make it go away or can you?

I am just exhausted searching for answers and to make this stop.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by littleme420

I am new here, I just started going through a bad flare up, episode or whatever you want to call it. Seems like there was allot of triggers looking back and I guess I just broke. I am a victim or CSA I say victim because I had never dealt with the pain or emotions of what was done to me and I have not snapped out of this so I am hesitant to call my self a survivor.

(A little background)
My mother was sick after suffering a miscarriage and my dad was an abusive alcoholic my brothers and I were removed from the home and placed in foster care, Unfortunately the same people that were supposed to protect me did the worse things possible to me.

The abuse lasted close to 2 years from 4-6 years old father, son and nephew and I have always remembered I never cold forget, I could talk about it but there was absolutely no emotions.

(Current Life)
About a month ago I started feeling like I needed to run, from myself, from everything and everyone and I couldn't understand what was going on with me, I started getting panic attacks and I just started breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably shaking physically and dissociating seems constantly and that's where I am now, a giant mess of a man that feels helpless, hopeless, I feel like I am going to feel this way forever, I feel broken and I can't grasp why, why after all these years why.

While I have been dissociating I have noticed that I am cycling back and fourth between partially me now and me then I never feel quite connected to "ME" I feel numb, I feel his feelings which conflict my feelings now on everything from my wife to work, everything.

Does anyone with DID cycle between their own child self? How can you make it go away or can you?

I am just exhausted searching for answers and to make this stop.

what you call "cycling" here in NY USA we call "Switching" . yes before I was integrated I switched back and forth from being me and being the alters... thats what DID is Alternate personalities taking control. its the first diagnostic criteria for having DID...

unfortunately the only way to stop switching back and forth from the aware you and the alter parts of you is by integrating , by that I mean you and the alters all merge together to form one whole person again. once you do that theres no more switching.

some people learn how to establish what here in NY is called co consciousness. it doesnt prevent switching into alters, it just allows you to be aware of whats going on when the alters are in control, it allows you to hear what your alters are talking about and some learn how to communicate with their alters, again communication doesnt prevent the switching, it just makes it easier because you know whats going on and why the alters are taking control.

some people here have also learned whats called grounding, thats finding ways that work for you that allow you to remain aware of whats going on, stay focused. again it doesnt prevent all the switching because thats what having DID is/means but it can make things a little easier on you because it will allow you to remain aware and focused more than you do without grounding for other dissociative symptoms that come along with having DID for some people like anxiety, spaciness, ,,,

you dont say you are DID. things like grounding can still help even if you are not did and your switching is more mood related or feeling different kinds of states, other than alters.

some therapy approaches also help those with trauma related forms of dissociation like EDMR. that works by calming your anxiety and helps you work through the trauma you went through..

my suggestion contact a treatment provider near you, they can help you learn all kinds of ways to ground and calm yourself so that you dont dissociate so much.

[Open Eyes]

Gee thanks amandalouise, I have not been diagnosed with DID, however I experience flashbacks and can feel like I AM THAT CHILD all day long or for several days there is that strange back and forth of feeling that confused child, and yet feeling myself as well.

"While I have been dissociating I have noticed that I am cycling back and fourth between partially me now and me then I never feel quite connected to "ME" I feel numb, I feel his feelings which conflict my feelings now on everything from my wife to work, everything" Quote littleme420

I can relate to this very much littleme. But I never thought of this as DID to be honest, I just thought of it as the PTSD because I was CSA as well and I do have disturbing emotional memories and Yes I can feel that child in me during that time, very different than ever before.

I am seeing a PTSD therapist and he has not talked about DID. He has talked about how with the PTSD when I flashback I will be that child and I should remind myself that it comes and goes like a wave and just to let it pass, then ofcourse address it and work on keeping myself calm.

Are you in therapy?

Welcome to PC littleme420.
Open Eyes

[littleme420]

I haven't been officially diagnosed as having DID but I have been doing allot of reading on DID when I finally realized that I was disassociating and yes the feeling of conflict. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a councilor/therapist but not very often
my T sees me every 2 weeks and I wont be seeing my psy for a month, I really think I need more hands on than I am getting, I feel really messed up right now and I can't concentrate or really focus because it's too hard, I just don't have the strength I think I am going to switch psy's to a new one where my T is located so they can work together, I think that would be best.

I have tried to use the grounding technique of picturing myself but when I become dissociated I can't concentrate hard enough to do it, I am so week right now and dealing with the sadness and depression.

How do we add a post to our watched list on here?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by littleme420

I haven't been officially diagnosed as having DID but I have been doing allot of reading on DID when I finally realized that I was disassociating and yes the feeling of conflict. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a councilor/therapist but not very often
my T sees me every 2 weeks and I wont be seeing my psy for a month, I really think I need more hands on than I am getting, I feel really messed up right now and I can't concentrate or really focus because it's too hard, I just don't have the strength I think I am going to switch psy's to a new one where my T is located so they can work together, I think that would be best.

I have tried to use the grounding technique of picturing myself but when I become dissociated I can't concentrate hard enough to do it, I am so week right now and dealing with the sadness and depression.

How do we add a post to our watched list on here?

not sure what you mean by "watched list" but theres a board called community feedback and support.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=4

if you post your question there someone may be able to walk you through it. there might even be a tutor post about it, so you might want to check that board too. its called tutor and how to board heres the link

http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=116

grounding.. ok you know picturing yourself sends you dissociating... how about trying something like whats posted in the grounding boards...

heres the link for that

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=16719

what works for me for grounding is getting in touch with nature... literally. I take my canoe down to the lake and I focus myself on noticing the feel of the water, all the colors I see....focusing my attention on the present world around me instead of staying lost in my head.

[littleme420]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

what works for me for grounding is getting in touch with nature... literally. I take my canoe down to the lake and I focus myself on noticing the feel of the water, all the colors I see....focusing my attention on the present world around me instead of staying lost in my head.

I love nature but I can't run while I am at work and that is where most of my triggers are, I stay dissociated the whole time I am there and that's usually 5 hours. One of my triggers is attention I hate when people look at me and another is strange guys I don't know I work in retail as a cashier at a store so this is a hard one. My psy told me I should quit but I can't afford to and my managers and co-workers have been great, I couldn't ask for a a better work place, it's some of the customers that make it hell. I am going to look over the grounding techniques on that board you posted.

Am I correct in reading that grounding techniques wont actually stop you from dissociating? They just make it easier to switch? When I am dissociating I kind of know what I am doing I guess just kind of going through the motions but I'm not there mentally. I have had a few customers complain that I "Disappear" because when I dissociate you can see it on my face, A cross between emotionless to very, very sad looking, it looks like I am in a trance, My voice becomes very very quiet and I mumble, like when I was a child.

[FooZe]

Hi, littleme420, welcome to Psych Central!

Originally Posted by littleme420

How do we add a post to our watched list on here?

By any chance, does this answer your question? Subscribing to Threads You're Interested in Following

[littleme420]

Originally Posted by FooZ

Hi, littleme420, welcome to Psych Central!

By any chance, does this answer your question?

Yes, thank you. I actually found it during one of my coherent moments..lol

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by littleme420

I love nature but I can't run while I am at work and that is where most of my triggers are, I stay dissociated the whole time I am there and that's usually 5 hours. One of my triggers is attention I hate when people look at me and another is strange guys I don't know I work in retail as a cashier at a store so this is a hard one. My psy told me I should quit but I can't afford to and my managers and co-workers have been great, I couldn't ask for a a better work place, it's some of the customers that make it hell. I am going to look over the grounding techniques on that board you posted.

Am I correct in reading that grounding techniques wont actually stop you from dissociating? They just make it easier to switch? When I am dissociating I kind of know what I am doing I guess just kind of going through the motions but I'm not there mentally. I have had a few customers complain that I "Disappear" because when I dissociate you can see it on my face, A cross between emotionless to very, very sad looking, it looks like I am in a trance, My voice becomes very very quiet and I mumble, like when I was a child.

that depends on your term "dissociating" there are many different ways people look and think about the word dissociating.

here where I live and work we think of that word like you would multi layered cake. the frosting layer is what we would call normal dissociation.. the kind of dissociation that every one does every day, the next layer is dissociation but a bit deeper where you start feeling spacy, numb....this layer is depersonalization disorder.... the layers continue on down through all the dissociative disorders.... with the deepest dissociation at the bottom which is DID.

DID is the kind of mental disorder where you have no control over what the alters can and cant do, you cant even control whether they come out or not. What determines their taking over the body varies from person to person depending upon their trauma, their triggers and lots of other things. their taking over control also is determined by what the alters job/purpose/reason for being is.

example I had alters that took care of my finances for me because I could not handle banking, shopping, paying the bills... anything to do with numbers I was unable to do and handle. I lacked the mathematical education.

So come time for bill paying and all the other financial stuff I would get frustrated, anxious, panicky until I started feeling numb spacy blurry eyed...all my dissociative symptoms, then the alter who's job/purpose/reason for being was taking care of the finances took over control and got things done.

After I started therapy and learned grounding I would take my boat around the lake, it worked wonders for my anxiety, spaciness, numbness ...all my dissociative symptoms...but boating around the lake wasnt fixing the problem of my inability to handle finances.

I could ground and ground and ground and ...but the finance problems weren't getting done, so the alters that took care of my finances sooner or later would take over control and get things done because that was their job/purpose/reason for being.

what finally made it so that my alters would not take over control was integrating with me. After integration I had their memories, knowledge of mathematical/finance stuff. After integration I was able to pay my bills, go shopping and go to the bank...

thats what I mean about grounding can make things easier for you..

it doesnt prevent the alters from taking over control, they are there for a reason and have their job/purpose to do. nothing is going to take away that. but grounding can calm you and help you to refocus your awareness back out of your head and into the present when you are feeling dissociation symptoms.

you have to do the work first by being able to take notice of your dissociation (and by your post I see you can already notice your dissociation symptoms, keep up the good work.) and then use the grounding...

Another way I explain using grounding is its like a smoke alarm. the smoke alarm sits on the wall doing nothing until ***After*** there is smoke in the room. then it works by making an annoying sound ...

the same with the switching.. it doesnt make switching into alters easier. it calms you, brings you back to the present, brings you out of feeling panic, anxiety, numbness, spaciness...