I have made it a pretty strict rule with my parts that they are not allowed to come on to anybody. This isn't to necessarily protect the system, but to protect other people. There is this one guy, we'll call "K" who one of my parts is obsessed with, but I am just not interested in. Plain and simple. This part doesn't spend a whole lot of time "out" and so 9/10 "K" would be neglected, making him feel inadequate. The part who is in love with "K" seems to think that it's unfair that she not be given the opportunity to accept his advances, or return advances.

The part is a teenager and therefore selfish. I don't have as much control over my parts as I would like to, and so this part still gets in some flirting, making it impossible to cut "K" out of our lives completely. Basically the discussions are limited to facebook only though and I made the mistake of letting the part invite "K" over in which she didn't even show up, and I was forced to deal with him. A guy I am not even interested in. I didn't even know what to do to entertain him. This part is insistent that she sleep with "K" only for me to return and push him away. I am insistent that she drop it immediately. I mean as far as parts go, aren't I, the host the one in charge of who is our partner? And I refuse to hurt people and allow each part to have their own partner. That's basic cheating and there is no excuse for it.

So should I let her pursue "K"? Or should I stick to my grounds that it's not okay? Am I being too sensitive? Have you guys ever had different parts like different people?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

I have made it a pretty strict rule with my parts that they are not allowed to come on to anybody. This isn't to necessarily protect the system, but to protect other people. There is this one guy, we'll call "K" who one of my parts is obsessed with, but I am just not interested in. Plain and simple. This part doesn't spend a whole lot of time "out" and so 9/10 "K" would be neglected, making him feel inadequate. The part who is in love with "K" seems to think that it's unfair that she not be given the opportunity to accept his advances, or return advances.

The part is a teenager and therefore selfish. I don't have as much control over my parts as I would like to, and so this part still gets in some flirting, making it impossible to cut "K" out of our lives completely. Basically the discussions are limited to facebook only though and I made the mistake of letting the part invite "K" over in which she didn't even show up, and I was forced to deal with him. A guy I am not even interested in. I didn't even know what to do to entertain him. This part is insistent that she sleep with "K" only for me to return and push him away. I am insistent that she drop it immediately. I mean as far as parts go, aren't I, the host the one in charge of who is our partner? And I refuse to hurt people and allow each part to have their own partner. That's basic cheating and there is no excuse for it.

So should I let her pursue "K"? Or should I stick to my grounds that it's not okay? Am I being too sensitive? Have you guys ever had different parts like different people?

I take it since you are asking if you should let her do this you have control over this alter in some ways....

bottom line we cant tell you what you should and should not do..only your treatment providers and you can say what you and your alters should and should not do, only you and your alters and your treatment providers can say whether you are being too sensitive,

did I have different parts that liked different people sure did..

almost every one of my alters had their own jobs, purposes and reasons for being, this included things like having their own thoughts about life and who they had for friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, intimate partners... to put it bluntly it was as if each of my alters was a fully functioning human being.. they even had their own religious beliefs, political beliefs, one liked guys another liked gals, another liked both guys and gals, some liked the light stuff others liked things rough and dirty... and I had absolutely no control over what they did whether they dated who... I couldnt even step in when I knew one had set up a date with someone I didnt like.

my therapist and I had many conversations about it. the only conclusion we came to was that I would not tell my best friend who to date, what to do on their date and all that kinds of stuff. so there was no reason why I should do that to my alters.. the bottom line is that they did what they did because thats who and what they were, nothing I did or said was going to change that and on some unconscious level because they were me and I was them before they split off those views and preferences were part of me too. After my alters integrated I know understand how each view point, action and preference that were my alters fits in with my present life to form who and what I am as a whole person again. now as a whole person I understand why what I didnt like when I was not integrated irritated, upset and I pushed that part of my self away from my conscious self.

now when issues come up that concerns those parts of me I had shut off from my self like the preference to lean towards the rougher side of intimacy, or undersanding and siding with a political stand that I once would never had even entertained nor thought of but my alter did, I think about how thankful I am to have that part of myself back with me because without even the conflicting thoughts that were the alters I did not agree with, i would not be who I was when I was born to my mother before I split into alters and I would not be who I am today now that we are all together again.

its like that question of who and what would you be like if you cut off your finger, hand, arm, suddenly went blind or deaf just because you didnt like something you saw or heard, or touched.. would you still be able to function sure but would you still be that well rounded person with out what you physically have. when my therapist asked me to think about that it made things much clearer to me, my trying to force my alters to be and do what they were would be like chopping off a part of my most needed body part..

after that I accepted my alters were part of me so for some reason I must have been attracted to what my alters were, and at that moment the alters I didnt agree with were functioning as if they were human beings, with fully functioning views on their own lifes, environment....

in the end for me and my internal system of alters my therapist and I decided it was best for me to just let them be and continued working on changing what was with in my abilities to change about myself not the alters. they were there for a reason with their own jobs/purposes and reasons for being and if it was to add diversity to my social life so be it lol

again only you, your alters and your own treatment providers can answer those questions about you and your alters.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

I take it since you are asking if you should let her do this you have control over this alter in some ways....

Yea, I think you're right AmandaLouise, I just feel such a loss of control if I'm not controlling everything about them. I am so worried about other people and how my mental illness effects them. I have a part that absolutely HATES my sister in law and without my permission let her know it about a month ago. Of course she's not going to understand that those aren't my feelings. How do you even explain that. She thinks I'm just batshit crazy anyway, let alone explaining dissociation to her. She was like my best friend and now she won't even talk to me. And I don't think I understand the emotions that were charged behind the conversation, so I think I just expect her to get over it. I read the text messages. But I don't really take them seriously. If I just let them be themselves I would be a very lonely person with a lot of sexual partners.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

Yea, I think you're right AmandaLouise, I just feel such a loss of control if I'm not controlling everything about them. I am so worried about other people and how my mental illness effects them. I have a part that absolutely HATES my sister in law and without my permission let her know it about a month ago. Of course she's not going to understand that those aren't my feelings. How do you even explain that. She thinks I'm just batshit crazy anyway, let alone explaining dissociation to her. She was like my best friend and now she won't even talk to me. And I don't think I understand the emotions that were charged behind the conversation, so I think I just expect her to get over it. I read the text messages. But I don't really take them seriously. If I just let them be themselves I would be a very lonely person with a lot of sexual partners.

my family has been dealing with my having "mental problems" since I was very young and my parents and social service prosecuted my abusers on my behalf. I dont have to do a lot of explaining, my therapist did all the explaining. my files say my childhood therapists told my parents because I had PTSD my moods would be erratic / unpredictable. people usually do have times when they like something one second and want something different the next.. to see this they just needed to be reminded of times when they have suddenly decided to change their minds about something they wanted to do, wanted to eat who they wanted to be around.. its just human nature to have a thinking mind that changes moods along with what ever is going on at the moment. my having PTSD just made my moods that much more indecisive, changing my mind more often then most people do. PTSD does make a person very selective on who they want to be around and when, what they like one moment is what they dont like the next and the same goes for people...no human being likes and loves their family /extended family every single second of the day and night. so naturally I was going to hate some family member at some point in my life just like a normal human being would. the therapist reminded my parents about how they might not have liked aunt sophie all the time because she did and said things they did not always agree with. this is completely normal reaction to socializing with friends and family.

after that my family didnt worry so much about the fact that I would suddenly tell this family member or that one I hated them, go away, leave me alone, what ever else I told them... I was just being human... no one like everyone all the time...

a prime example is you and me here on psych central sometimes we like each other sometimes we dont and we both are very blunt in telling each other how we are feeling.

Another example I told my wife this morning to go take a shower, her favorite perfume was making me sick to my stomach. she looked at me with this totally hurt face, walked out of the room. then about 10 minutes later she asked me if I really hated her perfume because we had bought it together, when she got it. I apologized for being so blunt and told her the truth at the moment it does make me sick to my stomach, when we bought it, it did not. I smiled and said hey Im human and whole that doesnt mean I cant change my mind any more...I was gearing up for a fight. she laughted and said you're right and at the moment I cant handle your moodiness so Im going to go take a long bath and read a book. LOL

it doesnt matter who you are and what type of relationship nor mental disorder human beings are people with a free mind and will say what they think, and unfortunately sometimes it will be like the saying goes.... out comes the words and in goes the double sized foot.

one thing that used to help me is that any of my DID problems were there since the day my mind first split so my family has been dealing with my mouthier alters just as long...and they got over what ever problems my alters caused, otherwise they wouldnt be a part of my adult life to hate what my alters said to them then either.

your in law will work out her problem ***she*** has with what your alter said to her, they have done so in the past so they will now. in the mean time may I suggest just giving her the space she wants by choosing not to be in contact with you right now.. its her problem to deal with, you are just being the same way you have been all your life. and while shes not talking to you...well thats her loss. it doesnt mean you have to put your life and feelings on hold waiting for her to come around. just go on with your life and when your inlaw is ready she will come back to you.

[Luce]

I have had parts do many, many things that I was really not okay with at all, and I found it was much easier to deal with before I became coconscious with them (because I didn't have much clue about it then!). But I agree with AL - these parts of self have a reason and a purpose and they fulfil some need that exists for the whole system, so just wanting them to stop isn't really going to hold much punch, especially if they still have the ability to act independently of you.
What helped for me was getting to know and understand these parts of self, and eventually gaining empathy and compassion for them. I really had to step out of my own comfort zone for that, and it took a lot of time (years) to be able to tolerate and accept their feelings, needs and wants. All of their 'stuff' was split off from me for a reason (I couldn't tolerate it) so learning to do that was a very long, slow process.
Now that I have a more integrated self I feel 'their' feelings / needs / wants and can weigh that up against all the other feelings / needs / wants that I have to make an informed and integrated decision about how *I* want to act. It took a long time to get there, but with a lot of therapy and internal work it can happen.
Unfortunately this isn't an issue that can be fixed quickly, and what at first may seem to be the quickest way to get there (controlling them so they can't act out) is a fix that can only work for the short term - if it works at all.

Now I suddenly know why modern psychology calls it a "gatekeeper".