First episode of dissociation where I knew

I also wanna add something funny. I never did drugs when younger, but would drink occasionally (sometimes get drunk), right?

With ALL the memory loss at any time, I never had ONE incident of not remembering every detail. Isn't that a funny oddie?

I couldn't enjoy drinking and stopped (though I didn't often anyhow), but still can't stand anything that makes me feel altered (funny word here), and t said it was because I was so hypervigilent and needed to remain in control for safety issues.

KD

Post deleted by January

Yep, alot of times (for a long time) I was "given" information simply for it to be taken away from me...either I wasn't handling it well, or maybe it would lead to other stuff that I couldn't handle well at all.

For instance, if it hadn't been taken away, that "year" could've grown memory-wise into something too much for you at the time.

Just a guess...but yes, same here.

KD

Post deleted by January

A good point.

Yes, having information given, then taken back away was the biggest frustration for myself and my therapist during my therapy. I could work hard in one session, with all kinds of stuff being given to me, then that night it's gone...nothing but bits and pieces and not even enough to get a good grasp on what was discussed.

What you do with years, I do with names. Oh, that's not a good one. Alot of times a name might be given to me, only to be taken back and I couldn't access it for nothing.

A trip...

I do know now, in viewing the entire "movie", why my brain is as it is. There's no way a mind can hold in one place everything we have to hold. T said that a person just HEARING it can't get their heads around it all. How can we be expected to hold it all at one time. He said it felt impossible and more than likely a blessing.

KD

The memories I have of my teen years are sparse except for a few critical events..like the one I described..I try to grasp pictures of my stepfather and I can focus on what his eyes look like then the rest of the image kinda evolves..if I ran into to him today I would recognize him..but my mom..the interactions are like chasing something down a corridor with it running ...always a few steps in front..I would not know her ..her voice maybe, but not her physical appearance...it would be like meeting a stranger and yet you know them..its hard to describe..I get the feeling there would be some part that could tell, but it wouldnt be me, if that makes sense..

I did very well in high school graduated early was in college at 16..received something that was termed a "Govenor's Grant" cant recall but someone at the school put me in for it..when I ordered my college transcripts, they have "Gifted High School Student 16 years old" typed on it..thought that was cool to at least that at some point I had a brain that was working on some level but otherwise I would of never been able to afford it..school was a place of structure and control, found that books were an escape..oh I love to read..the pages come alive...dont care if its chemistry or history, I loved to read, took especailly good care of my books..even today I can become totally absorbed in a book..

while at home the memories are chaotic at most..I dont recall birthdays or holidays for anyone in our family...think they occurred but dont remember them...only one or two pictures from the teens when I was working for the YCC (Youth Conservation Corps) at the Grand Canyon, and one with me standing with my sisters I was about 15 and one of my younger sisters was pregnant, but as a little girl there was a really pretty Christmas tree with my Grandma standing beside it..

When my Grandma died she left me pictures of childhood stuff..and I dont recognize me in them..its like I see the person or family member...like my sisters...but I could not tell you who took the picture or what was going on..it is very uncomfortable..my T asks me about them if I bring them in but I cant access what or when or who things..hard enough to access a me thing in them..because I see her but not me..again kinda cryptic but its the best way to describe it..

Wow and way cool, Evangelista about college/high school.

I so know what you mean about pics. The pic I have here? It's one of the RARE pics that feels like "me". I've always known that and mostly refuse to have my picture taken. I'd always tried to explain that to t, and finally took in some pictures and showed him which was me (all of one). The rest didn't feel like me at all, though I knew intellectually that they were.

The earliest memory I have of dissociating and knowing something was up was when I was 6/7 (there again I know age because we lived in DC at the time. It wasn't long after seeing the person who was "no longer here" on the street.

I don't remember school at all, but apparently I got into big trouble at school for skipping (remember I was tiny -- skipping school?) Anyhow, I don't remember leaving school. I don't remember getting in trouble with teacher and principal at school. I woke up when I got home and was being accused. I denied vehemently, and parents opened lunch box and therein was the candy purchased when I'd gone out into the city and went to a store apparently. Not only did I skip school. Did I steal the candy as well???

This was particularly dangerous, because this was a horrible area. In fact, we got a humanitarian transfer out of there. I still have none of that. I remember the absolute shock and fear of that stuff being in lunch box. HOw did it get there? Why was someone doing this to me???

Needless to say, I did get into trouble.

I think I was already pre-disposed to dissociation due to the fear of death (from father in war, seeing and knowing those whose fathers died, seeing it on t.v. and knowing father was there, etc.) I was afraid and worried about death starting at about age late 4, early 5. Then seeing the person on the street kicked it in more. After that, the fear of my own death in the same manner because of what was going on to me and having to walk past that area every day to school (only to get to school and deal with more physical/emotional abuse from prejudice and anger) began the other "me's" who didn't have the same fears. Starting at age six there was no safe place for me...not school, not home. I guess I found safety somewhere in mind. As I got older, I got more creative to recognize and find various forms of feeling safe.

As the abuses continued, changed and grew, so did my mind...

KD

What a great thread! I can relate to so much of what people are saying. It makes me feel not so alone. Thank you everyone for sharing.

For the longest time, well, until a few years ago, I guess I just thought, well, no one remembers their childhood, that's just normal. It was just childhood after all.

A couple years ago, I asked my children things about their childhood and I found out that they remembered what seemed like everything. I was amazed. I thought they were gifted lol. (Course, I still think that, but now I realize it has nothing to do with remembering their lives ).

I guess the very first time I had an "in your face" awareness that my life had the potential of not being "normal" was when I saw some pictures of me in front of an amusement park and others of me in the park, on rides, etc. It was me, but I had never gone. But apparently I had. It was a surreal moment.

I don't think I have ever seen a picture that I could look at and say oh yea, of course that's me but this was the first time that I remember thinking out loud, how did someone get a picture of me in front of this amusement park? But, even then, I never really thought too hard about it after that. I thought it was weird, but my thoughts never seemed to go any further than that.

I've always gotten in trouble for doing things I did not do, saying things I did not say so I don't think I ever thought anything odd about it back then. It was just kind of one of those things that just were. It's not until now as I work through things that I think, Oh, huh, you mean you don't do that too? That doesn't happen to you?

My awareness of my lack of awareness has always been so little that things did not dawn on me in general. It's just now, as my awareness is growing that I am able to look back and see those things such as wait, I said what? I think my level of dissociation was so much that in between dissociating into different sections of my brain, I was still so dissociated that I wasn't aware of what was going on with me. I just kind of carried on from one thing to another, not realizing anything. Does that make any sense at all?

Thanks for letting me share.

(((Wantto)))

Perfect sense to me...I dont know how it works..or if suddenly a switch will go off and I will recognize myself in the pics..or recall events..but understand now, not so lonely with all of this..not feeling so crazy.. .

(((KimmyDawn)))

Thank you for this wonderful thread...it is helping me(us) grow...

Gentle safe hugs...

(((((((((((((( Wantto )))))))))))))))))

What a great reply. I have to say (and I hope you don't mind) that it's been amazing to watch you grow in your awareness and realizations. There was a time that awareness was a foreign word to your experience. How amazing. You've just grown in leaps and bounds.

Please remember that, even difficult to "see", those awareness ulitmately lead to healing and peace.

Thank you so much for sharing.

KD

((((((((((Evangelista))))))))))))))))

No, thank you for participating. When we share like this it not only helps us not to feel so isolated, we learn. We learn when someone might have a similar experience that we've not quite yet figured out, what might be going on. It helps us to make those connections in our separated minds, I think. I think sharing is key.

So, thank you all for sharing. It's helped me to much to know that I'm not alone and to know that even though the "faces" might be different, it's the same "movie" so to speak. What amazing people we are.

I look at my birth family, and coming out of it with DID...I'm so much the lucky one. I can look at that as sad or as a blessing. I choose to view it as a blessing, because what was, WAS. That can't be changed. Looking at their illnesses and functioning, I certainly was the touched one in my family...touched in a good way.

Keep going please!

Besides the skating rink, during the worst time, there was another place or two that I would go to. We lived on base and there was a place that had hills (mountains to me) of colored sand. However, this sand was more like little pearls. It became my "kingdom". It was isolated and all of me felt safe there, and acted out there. I have such a warm happiness thinking of this and knowing what I now know. Another good memory is when we would go to the open areas clustered with pine trees. Well, where there's alot of pine trees, grass won't grow. We would sweep the pine needles up and form the outline of our own house...no bedrooms, everything safe, and NO ONE could come in that we didn't like.

So, while there was alot of yuck, these parts of my mind also found ways for us to feel safe, have fun and be ok. I feel so blessed to see the good with the bad, at the same time, now.

I think the reason I'm pointing these episodes out is that these were times that most to all of me could be present at one time and just "be"...the rare times. I remember the conversation (internally). When I played like that, safely, I never played alone. In fact, there would be an intense anger if some other kid came round and "the bully" would run them off. LOL.

Love,

KD

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimmydawn said:
A good point.

Yes, having information given, then taken back away was the biggest frustration for myself and my therapist during my therapy. I could work hard in one session, with all kinds of stuff being given to me, then that night it's gone...nothing but bits and pieces and not even enough to get a good grasp on what was discussed.
KD

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I experience this ALL the time. I will be able to remember something one moment and then the next I just can't access it. It is very frustrating.

My real dad was in the Air force, he served on some sort of missle base, now closed, in Arizona. The desert town nearby is where most of the childhood sexual abuse took place ..I did not remember at all what had taken place to cause him to leave until after the hostage and robbery incident in my 20's when I was flooded with images from childhood of it,up until that point I only recalled he and my mom divorced, but I always thought he would come back, because in the air force he was sent away allot, so i just figured he would be coming back..did not understand what a divorce was until much later..and again had totally blown away the fact he had held me hostage at gunpoint when I was about 6. A child part thinks that monsters came and took him away, because the drama revolved the police turning off the lights before they broke down the door, and it was kinda dark except for the police car lights bouncing off the room walls..so when they came in..she only comprehended monsters because of the god awful chaos..ya know a child copes a way a child copes..probably why I have a real problem with this kind of stuff, hope therapy will help that...because I know ya know no such thing as "Monsters"...unless you talk about some of the ones walking around hurting innocent people and kids..but I cant shake that core system..in the dark there are monsters..no matter how I analyze it...

But I used to wander the desert bluffs which surrounded the town allot after that by myself, but like you, I dont have a memory of being lonely, was like, I always had somebody there..now common sense would tell me that was stupid we had cougars, rattle snakes, coyotes, and the two legged varmits running around up there..

As Therapy progresses I find my memory can get much worse..sessions where entire segments are missing, or sometimes my T has to repeat stuff over when the dissociation is obvious..how embarrasing to go the the restroom and walk out wondering if you needed to go or rather you were leaving because you dont remember if you went in..confusing..I term it "sometimer's"..sometimes I remember..sometimes I dont..and try not to be to hard on myself...