[Evangelista]

Hi everyone..good morning..

I have been given some assignments in Therapy and I am reading on how emotions kinds develope and work. I am a little perplexed, so I am asking for some input.

I think as part of the way my system developed..the traumatic emotions are "stuck" within the system, for lack of a better word.

I am not very good at expression of emotions in IRL, sure most of you(s) can relate...when I first came into therapy was pretty numb and neutral, and very perplexed at how ppl express emotion..what I wanted to know was how ppl could like..get angry in front of others, or cry, even having a good belly laugh..it was not like I did not shed tears when alone, although when I did it usually led to self injury to stop the feelings from coming thru or the dissociative processes would take over.. I had to be in a closet or someplace hidden if even an inkling of emotion started to surface..strange when I am all alone I still feel like I have to run and hide..yuckie..

But I have noticed when I am online, I can write what I cannot feel in IRL safely..does that make sense??..Does anyone else discover they can talk about things online..like feelings..and stuff..that they hide even from themselves in IRL...Oh I know this sounds so confusing..but I am confused...

As a teen I utilized art and writing (Graphics & Text) as an outlet..do you think this has anything to do with it? or am I trying to figure out something thats just a quandrum??

[Rhapsody]

YES.... I can say a lot online that I cannot (will not) say in RL.... probably because I cannot see the body language or eyes of all of you here on PC, and that makes it easier for ME to express my true inner feelings with out fear of judgement.

.... some times I even write letters to my self and to other people - no one ever sees then but me.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

[Evangelista]

Rhapsody...oh Thank you..that does make perfect sense..because of the stealth radar that has been created for enviromental cues realting to abuse..I am the same way..peoples eyes..really..really..really..bother me..but in my artwork..some of the more abstract stuff..revolves around eyes..so that makes sense..wow..thanx.

Early in my marriage..I used to write short notes to my now ex hubby..telling him how upset I was at his rage..then he always got angrier when I failed to respond to him when he got mad..I would stare at the floor and go mute..so the notes would be tucked away in his pockets or brief case..but even the notes were really basic..for example."I dont like what you did"..so maybe another part of the DID system working???

Thank you Rhapsody for sharing...appreciate it very much...

This is all I can muster up right now, but I wanted you to know I hear you.

((((( Evangelista )))))

[Evangelista]

Ohh thank you Petunia...your caring thoughts and support are always appreciated.. much respect...for all you do here..

[Evangelista]

mmmppfffttt..one of these days I will get spell check to work right when I am posting...

[wanttoheal]

Hi Evangelista,

Emotions are a hard thing for me to grasp. In real life, I hardly speak out loud or show emotions because I am so busy reading body language and trying to figure out what can be said safely. I have found though that oftentimes, the body will react to the body language of another without me being aware until afterward.

For me, online, it's even harder. So many times I write a response only to close out without submitting or hitting delete after submitting it because there is no body language online and it's too scary for me.

I cannot cry even in private. I have tried, but while a tear might well up in my eye, it never will fall and it is almost like there is this immediate pull back from inside and all that is left is that dried up tear and numbness (Or I end up someplace else later on because of dissociation).

I don't think I said much of anything here, sorry. I just struggle with emotions, online and irl.

I totally understand hiding. It's what I do best.

My T gave me some paperwork that shows the physical aspect of how to tell which emotion is which and I am trying to learn through that. It's hard.

Hope that didn't confuse more than help. Good luck on your journey.

My T gave me some paperwork that shows the physical aspect of how to tell which emotion is which and I am trying to learn through that

Oooh-- wantto, can you get me some info about that?

I think that would help me figure out some stuff.

[wanttoheal]

Hi Petunia, I would be happy to. I will round it up and get it to you. It's hard to realize that there are actual physical ways to tell but it's very interesting at the same time.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((( evangelista ))))))))))))))))))))

i don't have alot of words right now, but know that i so understand where you're at. you're not alone.

KD

[Jennifer1084]

((((((((Evangelista)))))))))))

I too have problems with emotions. I just dont express them anywhere. Just wanted to let you know I"m thinking about you!

Jennifer

For a long time I had two emotional settings so to speak - neutral (no feelings) everything was ok just ok., or float in my tunnel and la la land.

When I was floating in the tunnel or la la land others around me saw me expressing all kinds of emotions because my brain would replay a matching piece of memory to whatever was going on. for Example if what made me float was someone yelling at me my brain would replay a memory piece that contained the information of other situations where I had gotten yelled at and or the memory piece that contained the feeling that I had right before floating - anger or crying or any other number of emotions that were separated and stored at my unconscious level of thinking.

It wasnt until I was working in therapy like working with pat Joan and others all the way up to SKR that I was able to express some feelings while remaining aware.

With SKR the way we did it was

1. my letting her know during our conversations when I was starting to feel the far away floaty feeling.

2. she would ask me questions about the topic and the flashback - piece of memory that was replaying, while I had to hold myself from floating into la la land by staying where I could see and hear SKR. (co consciousness)

3. As we did this the normal brain function of moving my memories from the unconscious level of thinking to the conscious level of thinking (integration) happened.

Now I can express myself and some of my emotions in real life and on line.

Before co consciousness and integration of some of my memories and emotions in therapy with Joan, SKR and so on I could not express actually feeling of emotions.

for me it was because all my emotions had been separated and stored at my unconscious level of thinking to be acted out when triggered (DID).

Because they were in my unconscious level of thinking I had no idea of what those separated memories and emotions were so I could not express those separated feelings, emotions no matter what medium I used. In fact I failed many high school and college english comp classes because my writing had no emotional connections..."I went to the store. on the way I saw some birds. At the store I bought a dozen eggs"

It wasn't until after I started working in therapy that I was able to recognize what emotions were for example Joan taught me how to keep a feelings journal. and eventually could write things like- It was a beautiful day out today. The sun was shining and felt so warm on my face as I walked to the store. Along the way I saw some birds. They made me laugh because one was so funny hopping around on one leg carrying a worm as long as he was...."

Even though I can now express some of my feelings while remaining aware I still prefer the writing. It isn't because Im uncomfortable saying things, because I can write the same things that I can say and vice versa I cant write the same things that I can't talk about. its just that in writing I can take my time and do rewrites where as talking once the words are out they are out

No I don't think that using writing and drawing as a teen gets adults stuck in not being able to express themselves.

I took a public speaking class in college and was told it was quite the opposite. those that can express themselves in writing and drawing already know what works for then in the process of how to express themselves. Those people make the best public speakers because they already know how to brainstorm and organize their thoughts so they can cover more ground in shorter amounts of time.

As you go through the co consciousness and integration process with each of your separated pieces of memories you will be able to express yourself more and more.

hang in there.

[Mahali]

Evangelista

Hope your day has been good. You have been given a lot of information in replys already and I apologise if this is repetitive. My attention is such that to read every word of every reply is near impossible.

In answer to your original question...Yes I find I can express emotions on line that I have a hard time expressing or even recognizing off line. Like you, many emotions either were or still are foreign to me. Slowly I am gaining some with varying degrees of intensity. They are also not always available.

Take care and know you are not alone in this.

place

Evangelista,

This 100% ACCURATELY describes the way I am. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Good luck in your quest.

[January]

(((((((((((( Evangalista )))))))))))))))))

I remember a time when I was so ... crushed inside that I was numb. My writing helped bring me back. I am by nature a very emotional creature, but I think most people find it easier to write things than state them.

Hugs,

Jan

[Evangelista]

((Everyone)) thank you.this thread has been very supportive and informative, I kinda knew that feelings would be rough for allot of us...but I am learning so much about emotions..how to recognize them not just by words..but by trying to remain conscious in the moment that they are being processed...which is so very hard..what I find frustrating is that my system will counteract the process..I feel something intense starting to unfold..then its like an eraser comes along and erases it from the blackboard..and I am left confused, and mute..my gosh the intensity is so wow..but only for a few seconds..dont even get a chance to identify it before its vanishes and I am left staring into space...or just agitated..allot of times with a frontal headache that disappears along with the emotion..I have noticed this occuring with the stuttering and tics too..just a little wierdness..

Thank you all oh so much for sharing and giving input, this is quiet an endeavor...and it is frustrating..and I appreciate knowing that we are not alone in our battles and burdens...take care all..gentle hugs and thoughts...