some support needed please---

Much is going on in the system right now. Putting a bio of each insider together along with a time-line and history--as much as I can anyway. Can only do little bits at a time. Much to triggering otherwise and there's that "don't tell" thing going on also. Shared the bio with a couple of very close trusted friends and that stirred up some "I shouldn't have done that " feelings. They have re-assured me they don't see me as any different----but now I feel like I have to walk on egg shells cuz what if they now are going to be "watching" me. Why'd I ever do that????

Why'd I ever do that????

Not only are these issues difficult and painful (insert a thousand other adjectives here) to admit to ourselves but explaining and sharing with others is terrifying.

It's a natural reaction to second guess ourselves when we share something so closely guarded for so long.

The "don't tell--why did I do that" are echos from the past.

It's OK to tell now.

I think it is amazing that you were brave enought to share with your friends.

They will now be a stronger support system for you.

If they look at you any differently, I suspect it will be with a new appreciation and respect.

((((( constellation )))))

(((((((((((((((((WI)))))))))))))))))))

I really don't know how to support you other than saying that I think you are very brave and that I'm glad you have such close friends IRL. You are further along in your healing than I am, so I don't have any words of advice.

My initial response to reading your post was "Wow", said with the sound of "that's really cool, maybe I'll be able to do that someday". I think you must be a strong woman.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Elizabeth

(((Petunia)))))
I so appreciate you and what you said.
It's so scary though to have done this. Just the realization of who did what and when and looking at my life and seeing how fractured it is. Then I start feeling broken all over again. Broken and not real. Not a real whole person. Just a bunch of broken off parts. And if I see myself that way, how broken up others must see me.
Really down on me right now....
Thinking too much.
But afraid to allow myself to feel what all this is stirring up.
w_i

((((Elizabeth)))))
YOu posted the same time I did----
Thanks for your support. It means alot. I have had so much chaos and confusion in my life that I tend to want things orderly---i've been keeping track of insiders since I found out about them. Saving everything they write (if they didn't destroy it first) and began putting things togethr slow but sure.
I was DX'd about a yr ago. I feel like I am just skimming the surface...
w_i

Just a bunch of broken off parts. And if I see myself that way, how broken up others must see me.

Kaleidoscope
An optical toy in a tube; it produces symmetrical patterns as bits of colored glass are reflected by mirrors

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((((((Petunia)))))
love yu--thanks
w_i

((((((((((((( white_iris )))))))))))))))

broken parts tend to be tender, newborn when we meet them, gently gently, ease into breathing while getting to know and integrate them. It's an adventure, not a test. You already passed "the test" by surviving. ))))) wi (((((

((((((((((((((((((((wi)))))))))))))))))))))))

We are right behind you

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Much is going on in the system right now. Putting a bio of each insider together along with a time-line and history--as much as I can anyway. Can only do little bits at a time. Much to triggering otherwise and there's that "don't tell" thing going on also. Shared the bio with a couple of very close trusted friends and that stirred up some "I shouldn't have done that " feelings. They have re-assured me they don't see me as any different----but now I feel like I have to walk on egg shells cuz what if they now are going to be "watching" me. Why'd I ever do that????

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> oh yeah....the bio, time-line, and history. can we just interject UGH!?

as for sharing with close trusted friends? good for you for having done that!! what courage that took! and sure it makes sense for those who needed to remain hidden FOR SURVIVAL to start up with the "shouldn't have done that" feelings. just went through that ourselves. not quite as thorough as you as we didn't share any of those things with a friend recently we did let one person know so much more of how it is for us than we ever had before. talk about scary! talk about 'omg what a freakin' mistake!' talk about pit in the stomach and "BOLT!" feelings stirred up! yep.</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It's so scary though to have done this. Just the realization of who did what and when and looking at my life and seeing how fractured it is. Then I start feeling broken all over again. Broken and not real. Not a real whole person. Just a bunch of broken off parts. And if I see myself that way, how broken up others must see me.
Really down on me right now....
Thinking too much.
But afraid to allow myself to feel what all this is stirring up.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> it is so scary but you've already done some of the hardest part!! you opened your mouth and shared. kudos!

we wrote about our sadness of the passage of time that we lack awareness of except during short windows..........glimpses really. when these glimpses come up we are sad and confused as we cannot really comprehend those pieces of us and how we see ourself/ves with what others outside of us see.

yet in talking with the few we rarely do talk about this with they are reassuring that they do NOT see the fractured pieces that FEEL so apparent to us. they do NOT see the cleaved parts that shift back and forth like kelp in the tides.

somehow we (mostly) believe them. these trusted souls do not have any agenda in telling us lies or soothing us with untruths. therefore we work on believing that they speak truth and on internalizing their words.</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have had so much chaos and confusion in my life that I tend to want things orderly---i've been keeping track of insiders since I found out about them. Saving everything they write (if they didn't destroy it first) and began putting things togethr slow but sure.
I was DX'd about a yr ago. I feel like I am just skimming the surface...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> could that be similar to feeling like you've been working your tail off and you're barely past the starting line? barely beyond square one? hardly done any work at all? those are all refrains that have fallen from our lips over the years in therapy.

slow and steady. no race. no trophy for speed. no shortcuts either.

just by facing and admitting what is going on for you all you're doing the work and you're deeper than you probably thought possible a year ago.....probably more than even two months ago.</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
hillbunny said:
broken parts tend to be tender, newborn when we meet them, gently gently, ease into breathing while getting to know and integrate them. It's an adventure, not a test. You already passed "the test" by surviving.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> such truth in her words. no test. go gently and slowly in this healing. your pace and the safety of all inside are the most important things. let the rest fall into place while you take care of those frightened parts who feel they've somehow done wrong by telling............you've all done so much right!

edit of tiny grammatical error that just shows us how much awareness is stil lacking when trying to focus....ah well......important to us sometimes to correct and other times to let glaring mispellings and horrible grammar stand for the ages............ugh!

_zh
your response really felt so like you really understand....
and it does feel like i have barely moved forward. though T and H say i have so much improved. awareness has improved. yrs and yrs of therapy and i feel i've only moved small steps....but then we remember the story of the tortoise and the hare---

not a very good day today.
i feel like i'm going between dogpaddling and deadman's float the only 2 things i remember from swimming class when you get into water over your head.
w_i

so ms. hare.......don't forget ms. tortoise is part of this one as well

as for dogpaddle and deadman's float? as trained lifeguard we heartily commend you for knowing those strokes and for having the gumption to use them when this tide is so darn high!

don't forget that females have more buoyancy due to our bodily reserves. just by being you your chances have increased already! talk about fortunate!

glad you're hanging in there and can see that your T and H are telling you truths and that you have accomplished much.

paddling alongside ya.....just reach out and we'll carry you for a while......trained lifeguard and all ya know....know how to do so safely and willingly....just holler.

_zh i'm appreciating the company. i do panic rather easily. hate water, terrified of deep water and mastered the dog paddle very well--trying for the life of me to get the breathing right. if i can master that, then perhaps the panic won't be so bad.