Venting

I am so pissed off right now. Trying to get ahold of pdoc and they keep shovling me around to one person or the next and that they might not be able to contact me until tomorrow. What good that does.

The agency that my pdoc is with doesn't deal with DID, just PTSD. I have been with my T for over 4 years and the same with the support group. My life is caving in.

The agency doesn't have T's that specialize or really deal with DID. I don't want a therapist that doesn't really deal with it let alone understand it. I've been to way too many before in the past. I need help and cannot get it anywhere. I want my pdoc to change my Klonopin to Xanax. She gave me the Xanax to take when I was going to the gyno. It works so much better than the Klonopin. Right now I need something to help calm me down. I asked my casemanager if I could take one since I have a few left to try to calm down. She tells me that she cannot tell me what to do that I could call back and speak to a nurse there. I have only spoken to this casemanager a couple times. The agency doesn't do me any help what so ever. They don't prescribe any type of medication to sleep except Anti-pychotic meds. Those don't help. pdoc wants to send me for a sleep study, but now have to find a new general doc since I ain't going to the old one. pdoc says that my sleeping is due to PTSD. Duh......T's with the agency doesn't help with anything really. They don't deal with DID and the horrible past that I have been through. They keep saying that these things didn't happen to me that I am schizophrenic whenever I try to talk about my past. Is it a crime to want to heal from my past, to need someone to talk to about it, to get acknowledgement that I am going through h*ll right now?!!!!! My T that I have had for over 4 years is a great T, but I can't continue seeing her because I cannot pay for it. I don't have any extra money. I don't have money to pay things all myself. I live on very limited amount of income. I make only $603 a month on SSI and rent is over half that. I have to turn off my phone and my internet because I can't pay for it. So losing my T, losing the support group, not being able to get support from my online friends, not being able to call someone when I need to reach out is going to do me in. Sometime the beginning of November I will be turning off the internet and phone. No other choice. Foodstamps got cut off because of a new rule for them and still don't understand it. I appealed it, but now has been denied even on the appeal. Won't be able to have any communication with my gyno to find out more of the testing and stuff that needs to be done because the one dr said it was cancer cells and this gyno has to do more testing because she didn't get enough tissue sample to know for sure or not. Health sucks, emotions everywhere, past haunting me, losing everyone in my life, in so much pain, sinking in quick sand and can't get help for it. I don't know what to do. My few friends I have that I talk to on the phone doesn't want to talk to me because I'm falling apart. I just wished I had someone who cared, understood, and wanted to be my friend. I need support and can't get it. How can I get help when I am asking for it and people keep putting me off. I want this to end. I want the pain to end. Not saying I'm SI thoughts. Just want the suffering to end............................UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

......T's with the agency doesn't help with anything really.

They may at least provide you with a lifeline/ safety net until you can get things straightened out.

You need help from someone WH. Maybe give it a try?

wow
i have gone through the same thing. Now i have found a place that works with DID. But i had to move and go to a different college to do it. Now i am waiting for HUD to see what I can do about an apartment, just incase something happens and i can't go to college. I feel for you. I understand how you feel. I have been there. I hate going to the GYNO too. I evoide it as much as possible. I hope everything goes well. can you move and go somewere else were there is someone who treats it?

I contacted them and they won't do therapy with me because they don't think that it will help me. I have been with them before and they don't understand DID so it isn't going to work.

I'm in a apartment that I am renting from the city. It is for people with low income. The rent is just $365, but when I'm only making $603 a month that doesn't leave much. I have to pay electric and gas as well. I have just moved here a few months ago. I can't move to another place. My T that I have/had treats DID she is great with it and does great work. I just cannot afford to pay her. This is the second agency here in this town and they only want to deal with schizophrenic. I have even tried to get them to change my Klonopin to Xanax, but they won't do it. The Klonopin isn't working now. I have been on it for over 4 years and I think it has just ran out of what it was suppose to do. So I don't know what I am going to do. Just trying to make it through this month.

The sad thing is I have a certificate for Web Page Designs and had a web site for over 2 years and haven't gotten anyone to do a web page for. That degree and field is becoming not such a good profit and is very hard to find people to do jobs for. So I don't know what I am going to do. Just play a waiting game.

I hope you can make it through this rough time. Not having support really put up a flag for me and I wonder if there's some other way to find that.

I'll keep thinking, but I know that I was in a state hospital that did not acknowledge DID and completely messed up my medication while I was there...but I can say I still learned a ton about my system. I hated being there and they did nothing to help me but I found ways to get that help inside. Does that make sense?

It's been over a year now and I wrote about the experience so that others might learn too. Maybe just your post up there has helped you sort things out. Writing does wonders.

Before you lose internet, maybe you can scour the web for local names/addresses of possible help outlets just so that you'll have them during that time.

I'm cheering for you.

OH and I meant to also say that some of the PTSD treatments I had helped just enough to get me through bad days. They are not so bad if you work a bit on your own to find balance.

Some of the medications got me through times that I could not get through alone and now I'm over a year medication free. I hated that I was not treated especially for DID but again, I got what I could and used it to my advantage.

WoundedHearts, can you talk to the T you have/had? They usually have consulting pdocs and maybe one she knows could at least see you once and adjust your meds for you? You could clear it later with your pdoc, tell him you felt you had an emergency and fill him in on how it's working (taking the Xanax instead of the Klonopin) -- your pdoc shouldn't argue with "success" and he'd have another pdoc to confer with, etc. and maybe between them they could find an agency who could help you the way you want to be helped at a price you can afford.

Good luck. I've been on limited money before too and rent controlled housing. It was a little easier in the 70s though, they had more city/county agencies with clinics of their own for "free."

Have you looked into your local community college, universities, libraries and government agencies for jobs doing Web "corrections"/updates/upkeep of their sites? I was thinking about doing that. Have you put your abilities on sites like guru?

http://www.guru.com

http://www.getafreelancer.com/

I want to first thank everyone for their response's.

I have a little bit of an update to give you. Well a big one.

First off I'll go with the good news. After going to group this past Thursday to say my good-byes and they wanting me to still come to group even if I can't pay, 2 annoymous donors have come to my rescue. Even if it is just for one month. I have received money from two people within the group. $100 to help go towards my phone and internet so that won't be turned off and $100 for food since I am not getting my foodstamps anylonger. So that was a big relief.

Friday I posted that I took my power back and really couldn't give much detail. I have found out a great deal of stuff.

This state is one of the worst states for mental illness in the US. Our state is for the rich. They think that they are better than any other state here in the US and want to run their own medicaid system. So they choose not to use medicaid instead they use their own system. When you are on their insurance and because I'm on SSI I don't have a choice but to use them, you have to go to agencies that are provided. All the agencies are run by one big agency. It over sees all the stuff that is going on. You make complaints and what not to them. This is my second agency with them that I have tried to use. I still get no where.

I can only go on the 3 month waiting list for therapy if I was SI or had just came out of the hospital after a SI attemp. If I met that qualifications, since I am DID I have to guarantee that my alters don't come out in therapy. *Whatever!*

My pdoc was in a car wreck. She is the only one that I trust within that agency to do anything. They refuse to leave her a message. To be able to talk to one of the nurses or my pdoc I have to go through my case manager. It is their rules. Well my case manager is so useless. I told her so also. Friday I was so fuming mad that I went off on everyone that I had on the phone.

I was later told that the money that they are getting just is not there to help any of the clients that really need it. That basically their doors are almost to the point of closing. I asked why they stay opened if they can't help anyone. The answer was to make it look good to get money to stay opened. Basically the money that they are bringing in is just enough to cover for their workers. I said well they are just cold and heartless. The comment was yes cold because they don't have the income to help anyone, but not heartless. I said if I was in that type of job and I knew that I was there to help people and I knew that I couldn't do anything to help, then I wouldn't stay there. That would just break my heart with everyone needing help. So to me they are cold and heartless.

I was asked by the main agency that runs them all what I wanted to do. I said, well what type of help can you give me? They said what we have been doing for you. I said so your telling me the only thing you can do is keep giving me medication that doesn't work on me because that is all that you and the insurance will pay for and that is it? They said again that they will continue doing what they have done for me to now. I said well if that is the case then I don't need to be with your agency's. They don't help and are useless.

I was so angry and flying off the wall. I was yelling telling them that the system didn't protect me when I was a child and now the system is failing me again. I said what type of justice is in this world. Only help the rich? She said to me that no one ever said that the world or life was fair. That pissed me off even more. I told them to shut my case down and don't worry about me being with you all anylonger. She said well you know you won't be able to get any type of psych meds from anywhere else and you cannot see any pdoc's unless you pay for them all yourself. I said I know quite well what you are saying. I have been there for the past 4 years.

I'm still in communication with my old T. Well she says she is still my T through October. I'm not sure about after that. To go to the support group, you must have a T to attend. The group as a whole wants me to continue and they said that they will all pay a little extra so that I can continue to go. That was so sweet of them. Due to both of the T's going to be gone for the next two weeks there won't be another group until November 16. So I have a ways to go before I go again.

I still can communicate with T via email. So at least I will have that. I'm sure she will contact me on the phone every so often to see how I am doing.

So things are somewhat better. Thanks everyone for their responses and caring.