getting better, or just switching?

I keep going through phases where I become super clingy, my six year old is the most dominant of the 'others' and I know I am taxing on my treatment providers.

Then for a few hours or even days if I'm lucky, things will seem fine, I will seem balanced, whole, healing, positive, and won't really be aware of the others.

Then I will get angry and not want to talk to anyone, lean on anyone, acknowledge my issues, and everything triggers me to anger.

I keep thinking I'm growing, learning, healing, and then realize it was only a phase. I hate this. It's like the skills I try to learn when I'm feeling down are only learned by the whole, balanced part, who doesn't need the skills really anyway, and not by the parts who really need one. I'm soooo frustrated!!

I don't know what I'm looking for really. Maybe just someone who gets it.

How do I learn skills so that the parts that need it the most can learn them and use them? I feel like I will never find balance, unless it's by switching alters.

Can I ask if you have bpd or think you have borderline personality disorder? I cannot diagnose but it kind of sounds like it to me. I struggle with the same thoughts and feelings you are experiencing and am wondering if I have bpd too

I've been diagnosed with it in the past, but do not feel that it fits. I barely met the minimum criteria, and all the same issues are part of cptsd and ddnos, which I do have. I kind of feel that the diagnosis didn't do me any good, and actually made things a lot worse for me, as people suddenly treated me as though it were just a behavioural issue, whereas the problem lies in the traumas I've had to deal with. Since dropping the diagnosis I've done much better.

My issues are that different alters take over at different time, causing me to think that I'm either getting much better or much worse.

Can I ask why you thought of bpd while reading that??

Im sorry we cant tell you whether you are getting better or just switching (the title of your post) only your treatment providers can answer that for you.

when I have had similar problems my treatment provider called it many different things depending on other accompanying symptoms.

how to learn the skills...keep working with your treatment providers, they know what treatment plans you are presently on and how to best approach skills like grounding, mindfulness, and addressing your alters needs, with you and your alters.

I know exactly what you mean, you think everything is going well and that you have found balance. That you are healing and then something happens that you do not understand or can not place for yourself. Often when I'm not really aware of the others I go to 'fast'. And than 'out of nowhere' something happens, or i get angry.

My t told me that it is important to also involve the other parts, and that i should check with them how they are doing. Also when I feel that it goes good. You can not pretend you're alone, because you're not. In my case, if i live along the others they 'come back' extremely. to make me aware or their presence. I may think it goes well and learning skills, but that does not mean that the others are at the same 'height', learning the same skills.
It is important to involve the others in your process because some parts are younger and less skilled than you are. My system is so shaped that when in doubt or setback, action must be taken.

Do you know how your system works? and do you know how it goes with everyone? If they learn the same skills as you?

Bloem

Thanks, Bloem!

It helps knowing I'm not the only one who deals with this. There are two alters, both adults where when they come out, I sometimes can't tell I've switched until afterward. They are able to handle adult situations, and very good at going about life without thinking of all the issues and trauma that need to be healed. It's like when they're around all of that never existed. Then I switch back and I'm like, oh yes, there it all is.

My system is set up where there are three of us who can function well as adults, and who have a lot of skills to distract, keep busy, etc. I'm the only adult who can feel the others and feel the painful parts of life as well. I also have another 'adult' ish one who is complete negative everything, and very demoralizing. The rest (3 right now) are children and only have a small capacity to deal with issues. It feels like the more skills I learn, the more distance there is between what I know and what they know.

I know for me, in order to move forward with the healing, I need to start owning their emotions. But after a lifetime of pushing them away it's difficult to let myself feel those emotions, and even harder to process them/deal with them alone, without switching to the other parts to feel them for me.

I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.

Dont be too hard on yourself, it needs time. Emotions of all these years, you can not internalize in a short time. Are it emotions or also memories you have to make your own?

memories don't seem to be an issue. Mostly just emotions. Any emotions (like jealousy, blame, anger AT someone, instead of about something, etc) are all difficult for me to accept, because I want to be happy for other people. I had a horrible moment today where I was going in to see my T and he had a little girl and her mom leaving. I was so jealous that the little girl was getting support, whereas with me I was an adult before anyone stuck up for me. So in my head I denied the feeling, argued against it, explained why I should not be feeling it, etc.

I feel that inside me, in order to be a good person, I can't have negative emotions. Logically I know that most people have negative feelings about other people, they just decide not to make them public, or treat the person badly because of them. But understanding something emotionally and mentally are completely different.

Mentally understand something is the beginning because the emotions are there, the other parts carry those feelings for you. You needed that in the past, so you could survive. You had a 'horrible' moment but also a healthy reaction on a situation that triggered old feelings. When you were younger you needed support, but you didnt get support. Why tell yourself that you can not feel what you felt in this situation? Why not accept these feelings and handle them with compassion? It's not that you feel that, that girl no support deserves. It is about what you had to miss, if you push that away you dont allow yourself and other parts time and space to heal.

I also have trouble with that kind of feelings, I myself had almost no negative feelings and was not allowed to think negatively, which is impossible. There are situations where we are not able to remain always positive. In those situations, i started to switch. Now i work with my parts in therapy, I'm starting to experience other emotions, such as anger, jealousy, blame etc. And I can tell you that I did not like it!! It felt awful, I felt terrible about myself. Even though I knew that it belongs to integration.

My T asked me then the next thing, if I could stand still with my youngest part, her vulnerability, her desire, and by what she needs. She needs what i did not get, she needs support, protection, attention etc. Every time I reject certain emotions or dismiss feelings of jealousy, I deny her, my youngest part. To view it in this way helps me to look 'softer' to myself.

Thanks, that helps. There was a moment this week where I was very upset and jealous, seeing a little girl and her mom going in for therapy. I was so ashamed of feeling anger toward her, but talked it through with my counselor today. She helped me reframe it, which helps. The truth is that seeing the little girl and her mom triggered those feelings in me. The feelings aren't directed to either of them, or even because of either of them. She reminded me of everythign I missed, and brought up the pain of being that age, with no hope or support.

Looking at it that way makes me feel much better, and is very logical. Of course I feel badly about what happened, and of course I would feel that hurt because I am still trying to process it.

You're right about the refection of emotions. It's what people have done my whole life, and I need to be careful about realizing those emotions. Realizing what they're actually about helps, too.

Thanks, Bloem, that really helps!!

IJ