So, the realization that I have DID is actually fairly new to me...although it explains SO MUCH about my life, and it makes perfect sense. I am trying to accept it, and not freak out. Although I do have moments of "is there really a "ME"" and that really upsets me a lot when I think about it. Like, who is ME?

Anyhow, I know about some of my parts because they have made themselves known to T and he has shared stuff with me.

This week was really super crazy. T keeps talking about a "teen" part, but that somehow didn't feel "right" to me. And yesterday, after talking through it with T on the phone for a while I realized, in kind of a sickening flash, that I have a protector part that I created when I was little - who IS a teen, but who was created when I was a small child. She's the one who kept me from telling (we were under threats of death if we told) and she's the one who stepped and and took the abuse. I was suddenly SO AWARE of her presence. It actually made me physically sick, although I'm not sure why. I guess because in some ways, I just feel like WHO AM I? And maybe because I don't "need" her in the same way anymore and she still tries to step in and it's sad and hard. I *think* she is the one who cuts -because we tend to cut when we've told "too much"and I think it is sort of a punishment.

ANYHOW, I'm wondering if this experience sounds familiar to anyone. This whole thing is really upsetting me. T says that we will welcome whoever shows up - that they have good information for me, and I have good information for them... but I don't know, this is hard and it's really making me panicky and sad and ashamed and sick.

The other thing is, I don't remember much of high school at all. When I think of high school,I think of me being a mess - crazy, fat, ugly, needy, desperate. But I have reconnected with high school people recently and they have ALL told me (separately from each other) how fun and happy and pretty I was in high school- and how they were all jealous and wished they were me. Did I create a happy, fun person to go to high school? is that why I don't remember it?

I am SO confused. I think it would help me to hear others' experiences...

[multipixie9]

hi treehouse,

i am sorry to hear how sad and confused you feel right now and i remember how hard i fought against accepting my parts inside. i actually had a strong "system" of denial parts and it took me quite a while to stop refusing to believe my alts who carried so much of my past.

another struggle i went through was being mad at myself for being "different" or "weird". i was really angry at my abusers but i was trained to turn the anger inward and hurt myself. i took up being mean to myself where my abusers had left off.

my spouse refuses to believe DID exists and his rejection has made it very hard and painful trying to deal with issues and yet not switch around him - really messed up, but finally i have decided that i believe me and that i appreciate ALL of my alters. each one did something they thought they had to do to keep us alive and safer. i no long reject myself.

i have had many, many alters. the ritual abuse and years of cruelty led me to split over and over and to hide a bunch of my own life from my concious mind. it has taken a long time to feel safe enough to let my T help me. i've had mostly a lot of littles with the pain memories or the anger feelings and many alters with "jobs" or functions they do - protectors, distractors, performers. it's pretty hard to describe it to someone else.

i don't know if this helped you any or not, but just know that each one of us does our alters a bit different and it truly is a creative defense for a small child in terrible pain and fear. i have grown very appreciative of and proud of my inside family. they kept me alive (with God's help i believe) and they kept me from going crazy. in my book my pixies are ALL heroes! gentle hugs if you want them!


leslie

[Miri]

ANYHOW, I'm wondering if this experience sounds familiar to anyone. This whole thing is really upsetting me. T says that we will welcome whoever shows up - that they have good information for me, and I have good information for them... but I don't know, this is hard and it's really making me panicky and sad and ashamed and sick.

Yes, totally familiar. Most of my alters revealed themselves through writing, some directly to T, others actually allowed me to see them in my mind's eye. The may not make any sense, but it was like an inner vision, or flashback, kind of and while they usually didn't speak, they werew animated, or moving. Actually, two of them did speak to me. One answered the question, "What are you doing?" and the other cursed. He didn't realize at first that i could see him and it really surprised him. He blinked out as soon as he saw me looking at him, but swore in shock before he disappeared. It was pretty funny, actually. Some guided me as I thought about them, to create a sketch. It can feel scary and upsetting, but it can also feel comforting if you embrace them, accept them as part of you, parts that need you. It doesn't have to be all frightening. And i don't feel there is a "me" either. you're not alone. take heart from the support here - it helps.

[Hunny]

Hi, Treehouse,

We have to welcome all of ours, even the teens. A new teen recently awoke and one just before that, about two months ago. They are having a pajama party as we speak for a week till next appointment time.

We agree it's upsetting and hard, but better to know than keep them all stuffed away inside wrecking havoc from within and being unpredictable. At least if we are getting to know each other. We can figure stuff out amongst ourselves and compromise and work together (mostly).

The paniky feelings, the sadness and shame can be worked through in therapy. When I have sick feelings T helps relieve the nausea right on the spot. It's an eye movement technique I can even do at home. I can tell you about it if you like. We also insist the quiet time at the end of each appointment is absolutely essential to calming, caring, and respecting selves.

"ANYHOW, I'm wondering if this experience sounds familiar to anyone. This whole thing is really upsetting me. T says that we will welcome whoever shows up - that they have good information for me, and I have good information for them... but I don't know, this is hard and it's really making me panicky and sad and ashamed and sick."

((((( Treehouse ))))))

Ice

[Elysium]

TreeHouse...

I was doing some reading on PTSD, sitting at my computer, and literally, all the voices that have been in my head for so long... the one's I thought were just me being crazy... they just started to introduce themselves to me. Only a handful came out over the course of 24 hours. Some gave me their names and presented themselves as pictures in my head, some would only tell me their roles. I was very scared because I didn't know what was going on, or why my head was actually all of the sudden talking directly to me, instead of just talking over me like they always had before. I really thought I was losing it.

I was so scared about it, I couldn't even bring myself to talk to my T about it because A) I was scared she was going to have me committed, immediately, B) I was kind of embarrassed, and C) I was being told by a couple alters to keep my mouth shut. I ultimately made a short video for her on my computer and asked her to watch it after our session.

It's taken a few months, but I have been able to communicate with most of my alters to a certain degree and I am aware of their names now. I question whether there are more...sometimes my behavior and perceptions change and I can't pin-point which alter is "out" at that time.

It's a process that is different for everyone. Hope this was helpful!!

i know you guys might think i'm nuts but i wish my experience was as clear as yours seem to be. While i've learned the names of some of my parts through writing to them and writing down what they said, they don't seem to exist with "me" absent. i don't have people telling me someone else was out. i feel like a failure even at this. How ridiculous is that? i'm accepting that i just have dd/nos and not DID. i know being conscious of my parts is supposed to be a good thing but i kinda feel like it doesn't count...like maybe it's just one more thing that isn't real among things that maybe aren't real...even though i know better on both counts. ARGH i get so frustrated with all this!

Sorry Treehouse. i really appreciate your post (and everyone's replies) very much and hope you find peace. Embrace all of you as much as possible.

[Hunny]

MeSo, you not nuts and it isn't always clearer, just have to use words to communicate here. Looks simple but not.

I sometimes think that if I'd known in younger years I would have fewer alters. A good reason for early detection. I also have DDNOS and took hours and hours doing a mind map and later painted each one.

Be gentle with self.

Ice

I want to thank everyone for replying - it's really helpful to read about your experiences

[jeNeTeConnaisPas]

I have been aware that I have alters since I was about twelve.

I always became "someone else" when I was little but never thought anything of it. I guess thats the nature of DID. As I got older though, I would be a different alter whenever something bad was happening, which was constant... I have "sets" of alters who are aware of eachother and can hear eachother, but these "sets" have changed throughout my adolecence.

I started actually hearing some of my alters talking to me when I was sixteen, or, at least, me as in Edgar. I was created or "split off" around this time. And I struggled for about three years trying to understand why I had "other personalities" I really thought I was going crazy.

Once I learned that people develop DID as a coping mechanism for avoiding the pain and mental damage abuse and trauma causes children, I felt less "crazy" and I started to accept it.

Then I looked back and realised I didnt just have the three or four alters I had been aware of, but that I had close to, probably over (including littles which Im currently trying to uncovor and understand) thirty alters.

The ones I have been aware of most are my adolecent and adult aged alters.

I always had child alters, I knew that, but didnt really understand it too well. I had one friend who was interested in helping me understand what was happening to me, and whenever I regressed into a child part, she would just call it "Baby".

But I realised I had different child parts, not just one. I was very aware of their separateness as individuals, and soon they had names.

Sacha, is a troublemaker, who pushes everyones buttons. "Edger" is the little version of me, I guess. He was always "I take blame, its my fault" and I had many others, protector child parts, and stuff...

I've always known their names, (though I used to actually deny that I had other parts, and whatever part was out, convinced themself "its only me, just me, that other 'me' is gone, i think this denial was another form of mental protection. To protect the old alters from thinking they had failed at their job.) I've known their preferences and what to expect when they're out, since they all deal with life and its difficulties in very different ways.

Im sad that they had to endure confusion and pain and anger. But I am glad that not one of us had to do it alone.

We all work together and dont deny eachother's being, just because it used to make us feel "crazy". We all understand why we're here and why we do what we do and that makes living much less confusing.

Before I understood DID though, I had absolutely no clue why I was so strange and thought I must be the only person in the world who does this.

I'm glad that isnt the case. I'm glad it means I'm protected. I'm glad it means my brain did what it needed to do to keep me safe in my mind.

I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

-Edgar of TBC

[Miracle1986]

How did I "meet" Little Manda?

Well, let's see... if I really think, I think she came out when I was in the hospital back in late March (or there soon after) my husband began to notice that I was acting... differently... much younger... in a sense. He said he would wake up in the middle of the night to me sucking my thumb, or clinging onto the one stuffed animal that I owned.
So yeah, Basically I thought I was going crazy, something had happened to me in the hospital, etc to make me revert back to my childhood, etc... but then something "a still small voice" if you will, told me to post in DD and see what people's response was to my experience... and well, that was all the clarification we needed.

Now, even if I go my therapist (coming up in a few weeks) and she tells me that Little Manda doesn't exist... WE WILL KNOW!!!

[multipixie9]

we want to add some more to what we said before. meso sounds like she feels she "isn't doing it right", but there is NO right way and NO wrong way to dissociate. there is boundless creativity in the way people defend themselves from horrors no child can handle alone.

this week in counseling we got a more clear view of what is actually going on with different groups of alters inside my mind and i've been trying to deal with DID for 14 years. I found out last year that not only did i have lots of denial alts i also have a huge amount of deliberate confusion in my head to keep various parts away from each other or away from certain facts/feels.

so basically, i've been walking around feeling like an idiot for years and wondering what the h*** was going on with us. my husbands disbelief kept lots of my alts denying their reality to get along with him and frankly its felt like torture to me emotionally. i knew some people who could see all their alts, know their ages and see a home they lived in together and all i knew was that the inside of my mind has the lights turned off and all i could tell was words/emotions from different alters that come at me out of the dark. it has felt just awful to me and my own system has caused us all lots of pain. HOWEVER, they did this because that was how we protected ourselves from some extreme violence and coped with lots of "programming" by abusers.

bottom line, i respect all my alts for what they did no matter if it appears helpful or scary or strange. they did all they did to help me survive a nightmare that didn't end for at least 14 years or more.

the more i accept, love and respect my alters the more peace we achieve together in here and the more likely we are to find a peaceful resolution to the issues that have plagued us our entire life. i have a long way to go in learning how to do internal communication but love for my insiders is helping pave the way for that good outcome.

be kind to yourselves, as best you can, you and your insiders are family.

Leslie and her precious Pixies

[Swan61]

I am upset because i can't get mine to show themselves or to talk to me....I know there are others there, but I only saw one of them many years ago like a picture in my mind and it was a man, but how do you find out their names and make contact with them?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Swan61

I am upset because i can't get mine to show themselves or to talk to me....I know there are others there, but I only saw one of them many years ago like a picture in my mind and it was a man, but how do you find out their names and make contact with them?

my suggestion....dont try to "see" them, most people I know with DID, and most all the treatment providers here in NY that I know say with DID one can not usually usually /literally "see" their alters. its more of a once you know or can imagine what the alter looks like then the mind conjures up the mental image, similar to daydreaming or using your imagination to create a work of art, write, tell stories, plan your day,...you know things like that where your mind can know no boundaries and just imagine what if, lets pretend and other normal every day dissociative skills. if my bipolar and other forms of depression meds were working I could not literally see my alters simply because I knew almost nothing about them so my mind had nothing to conjure up a conscious/willful/wishful image of them. which is why when I did see my alters my treatment providers called it a psychotic symptom rather than a dissociative one.

making contact with alters comes with time and your ability to have co consciousness. thats when a person with DID can hear their voices, know they are there, know what they need, know what ever memories, emotions, their lives that you and the alters want to share with each other.

how do you develop this...you keep working with your treatment providers taking care of you, your present day problems, gaining stability and as you become more able to handle what went on in the past those things will be shared with you.

how do you communicate/find out things about them as co consciousness develops ...well thats an individual choice....since everyone has their own coping skills, traumas, what makes them happy sad angry....how they deal with their emotions and because each DID type alter has their own jobs, purposes, reasons for being.......my point is how you communicate with your alters depends on many different things so its very individualized and most times theres some differences in how to communicate with each alter, even when the method is the same theres going to be slight differences in the communication tones, methods, .....kind of like how you and those around you dont communicate in the same way even if you verbalize the wording, tones, topics, emotions, are different...I certainly would not talk to my mother the way I do my sister, and wouldnt talk to my wife like I do my children, wouldnt talk to my children the way I talk to my wife....each alter depending upon their job, purpose and reason for being created has their own ways they do those things and communicate about those things and their selves....

with me i would hear one of my alters talking when I was out rowing my boat, camping, fishing and other out door activities. Another alter i would hear when I was stressed, another I would hear when I was excited....

keep working with your treatment providers and you and your treatment providers will find the way that works for you.

[Rzay4]

I met Robber, Morgan and Nybor when I was fourteen years old. At first I thought of them as my imaginary sister and brother. Though over time that isn't the case.

In 2013 I was introduced to Racer, Little One and Melody. A total of six different alters including me. I couldn't believe it.

Over time I've just accepted it and right now working through trauma.

Not fun I'll tell you but necessary.

[possum220]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

making contact with alters comes with time and your ability to have co consciousness. thats when a person with DID can hear their voices, know they are there, know what they need, know what ever memories, emotions, their lives that you and the alters want to share with each other.

how do you develop this...you keep working with your treatment providers taking care of you, your present day problems, gaining stability and as you become more able to handle what went on in the past those things will be shared with you.

Its true, just keep working in therapy. It can take some time before some alters will step forward and come out. I had been in therapy for years an thought there were no more to come out. But I had a shift in my thinking. And then two new voices came out. It surprised me. Things change as they need to. You can't force change.