Hey.

I'm not sure whether this is better placed in the dissociative disorders section or the general therapy section.

I've just started working with a new t. I've seen him for 5 sessions (though the first was a history taking / interview type meeting). I told him about my history with psych services and that I'd been dx'd with DID. He said he would need to assess that himself, but he was happy to work with me and he had an interest in (and some experience with treating) dissociative disorders.

I'm not sure how much experience he has with treating dissociative disorders. He does have a lot of experience with BPD though, and I guess that is similar in the sense of trauma history and the like. I think mostly it was about reassuring me that he is qualified to be doing this, and that is okay, I understand that.

In our last two sessions we have been talking about 'the voices' a lot. Three sessions ago he suggested journalling or attempting to map the voices. He said I didn't have to show him, I could just do it for myself. He also said that I didn't even have to do it for myself, I could just think about it as something to do at some point.

I did a map and gave it to him. The rest of the session was about them. When I found them and what their function is and what they are like. The next session (the last time I saw him) was mostly about that too. He has agreed to not try and summon them. I made it clear that I didn't want him to do that in our first session and he promised that he wouldn't.

My concern is...

I don't want therapy to be about my elaborating on them. Making them bigger. I want therapy to be about my elaborating on me. Making me bigger. I'm not sure that the focus on them is useful to me. I don't want him to meet them. Ever. I don't think that this is due to lack of trust or anything like that... I think it is that my view of getting better is enlarging me. I need to get better at communicating with them. I don't see how their communicating with him is going to help me do that.

Does this make sense?

Maybe it is unconventional... But that is the way I want to do things. Does this make sense to anyone? What do people think?

Hi alexandra_k

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I don't see how their communicating with him is going to help me do that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think that is only a question he can answer. It sounds like you need to slow him down.

Maybe you just need to simply ask him what his treatment plan is... or tell him yours, lol.

Better yet, print this out and let him read it.

Keep us posted,

Petunia

[onlymedid]

I agree with Petunia. I think you should let him know your concerns. You should let him know that you don't want to go there yet.
With my T all I have to say is "stop" and that is our keyword for her to change the subject.
Maybe you could come up with a keyword for him to know when you don't want to talk?!

[kimmydawn]

It makes alot of sense, alexandra.

I agree that slow is better...especially at first with a new therapist.

I felt/feel alot as you do with my main self being the primary focus in therapy. I was afraid to "stir the pot". It turns out that my instinct on that, and the stance I took there, was the right one for me in the long run...if I could only take it so far. However, even though I'd made that choice, I didn't always get what I wanted. My therapist agreed with my wishes, but made it clear that he would hear anything any part of me needed to say. We were able to come to an agreement on moving forward.

Telling my therapist about my desires there, though, helped so much because he understood my wishes and filled me in on anything that I didn't recall which I'd asked him to do.

I had to realize that I only had so much "control" there... That's when I had to work through the trusting of my therapist is handle "whatever" and fill me in to increase my awareness and understanding.

I wish you so well and don't hesitate to PM anytime.

KD

Thank you Petunia. Yeah, I think it might be that things are moving too fast. I'm concerned that he is more interested in them than he is interested in me, and I'm also concerned that he wouldn't have agreed to work with me if it wasn't for them.

I guess that means that things are moving too fast and I do need to slow things down so we can get to know each other.

He did keep asking if it was okay to talk about this and saying that I don't have to answer or talk about anything (at this stage) if I don't want to etc. We really are still getting to know each other in the sense that he can't read my emotions very well to know whether I am okay or not. I'm also so very grateful that he agreed to work with me and I'm concerned to show him that I really do appreciate that and that I really am prepared to work. But... I guess I might have been pushing myself a bit hard.

I will talk to him about this next time.

Thanks very much.

Hey onlymedid. Thanks for your response. I guess I've been worrying about this for a few sessions now, I just haven't found the courage to talk to him about it. But yeah... Time to let him know my concerns. I'm really not sure... That I ever want to go there (with respect to him meeting them). I mean... If it happens spontaneously then can't be helped but I think I have reasonable control over switching in sessions and it is simply something that I'm not prepared to do if at all possible.

What I want... Is that when I get the urge to switch... I ask myself 'why? what do they want to say / do?' If I can figure that out then... I won't need to switch. That is my hope. I want to do things that way. Make me larger so there isn't a role for them.

I guess I was happy to talk about them to start with. Was happy to do the map. Mostly clinician's in the past simply ignored the issue. I was grateful that he kept saying that it was okay if they did want to say something and I was grateful that he took an interest in them.

But... I guess he has established that now.

And now... I just want some time to get to know him myself. I want to feel like it is okay if I want to say something and I want to feel like he takes an interest in me.

Thanks.

Hey KD. Yeah, I guess slow is better. I guess I'm starting to realise some of why they keep saying that it is important to go slow and build trust etc. He also has a different theoretical orientation than I'm used to and so communication is a bit harder... Also... We really are still getting to know each other. I guess I just felt like... In the last session in particular... He just wanted to talk to me about them. He seemed interested in them. In what they were like and stuff. Laughed at some of their antics etc.

He didn't take such an interest in me. I tried to talk to him about a friend that I'm concerned about. He answered fairly abruptly and diverted the issue back to them. Maybe I'm... Jealous? I just think that I have many problems... If those are dealt to them maybe this issue will recede... I don't know... I worry that I'm telling / making up stories half the time. I really don't know. I'm worried that elaborating on them makes me worse / makes them stronger / makes them more distinct / encourages them. I don't want to go that way. But then I guess that I feel like I hit a brick wall when clinician's don't want me to talk about them. So maybe... What I need changes. And really... How is he supposed to know what I need if I don't tell him? I guess the problem is that I'm not really so in tune with what I need. And I really have been very concerned to show him that I'm grateful and that I'm trying hard to do the work and to answer his questions and stuff. I think that maybe... He likes their spirit. I don't know. I will talk to him. One more session and then he is off two weeks over Christmas. I'll tell him I don't want to talk about them next week. I think that maybe what he is trying to do... Is that he figures that I trust him fairly much (which I'm trying hard to convey because I want him to want to work with me). I've also told him that they are still sussing him out, however. I think he is trying to earn their trust whereas really... I guess it is mine. I don't know. Confusing I guess...

Thanks KD. PM me if you want to / need to as well.

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alexandra_k said:
I'm really not sure... That I ever want to go there (with respect to him meeting them). I mean... If it happens spontaneously then can't be helped but I think I have reasonable control over switching in sessions and it is simply something that I'm not prepared to do if at all possible.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Hey, I so know what you mean. My T has yet to meet any of mine. Not that I don't trust her, but I have always had to maintain "control". They only come out at home.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

What I want... Is that when I get the urge to switch... I ask myself 'why? what do they want to say / do?' If I can figure that out then... I won't need to switch. That is my hope. I want to do things that way. Make me larger so there isn't a role for them.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
That makes sense. I don't think I have met anyone who didn't want the same. That would be great and maybe someday that will be an option?!
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I guess I was happy to talk about them to start with. Was happy to do the map. Mostly clinician's in the past simply ignored the issue. I was grateful that he kept saying that it was okay if they did want to say something and I was grateful that he took an interest in them.

But... I guess he has established that now.

And now... I just want some time to get to know him myself. I want to feel like it is okay if I want to say something and I want to feel like he takes an interest in me.

Thanks.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Well, you have to remember that they ARE a part of you. It took me a while to realize that.
Those little parts of you hold an immense amount of information. You may not be ready to deal with that yet, and that is fine. You will be ready when you are ready.
I think you are doing a great job here expressing yourself and your concerns and I really hope you are able to discuss them in therapy.
I am sure he is trying to get to know all parts of you, but just too fast.
Let us know how it goes.
BJ

When I first was DX over a yr ago, it seemed like my T was only interested in "them". And I felt jealous somewhat because I had worked with her before the DX--even tho she says that she now realizes others were out.

Anyway, I've come to realize that for me letting insiders talk and working things out with T is in the long run going to make "me" bigger so to speak.
With the info they give T my life is becoming more clear. I am learning how to communicate and listen better to their voices about what they need which in turn lets me know what I need. This is helping switching for me.

I agree that your concerns need to be voiced to your T. Esp. if you feel he is mre interested in "them" and not listening to you. You also have much you need to talk about.

PM anytime.
w_i

[BENNY]

hi all,
i am pretty new at this myself. i'm not sure i know who the core me is. my alters just about run the show. is that bad? i love my alters. they can do things i can't. i just wish they would agree on what they want to do.

i stopped caring about anything a long time ago. even if they're completely different, at least they have a passion for something. it i feel anything it's a deep sadness, and feel like i don't want to be here at all. most think they are the core when they take over. i know them to a point , but still lose time. it is so creepy when i can't remember things they do. they are starting to get to know each other better. so i guess that's improvement. hopefully they won't argue as much.each of them have played an important part of who i am, and still do. you're right, they do hold a lot of information. things i couldn't face. i am remembering when, and why, they started.

i am usually the one talking to the t. it's almost impossible for me to talk about things. i'm so used to having my inside tightly wrapped. mine come out more when i'm at home too. i've always had to have my alone time. or i feel like i'm having a panic attack.

i don't think it makes them more powerful. they've always been there. i t's just easier to stay in denial. i didn't want to have d.i.d.. i am ashamed of my past, and wish it never happened. but not facing it doesn't make it go away. i have got to accept it in order to recover. i don't know where it will take me, but what ever it is, i've been through worse and survived.

how do you know when to slow down? do you have trouble getting things out when you're at the t's? i hope you keep pm it's helped me a lot. it's neat to have someone to relate to. it's less scary.

benny